"This power that we're supposed to have, we're just calling it 'The Wizard,' just because, you know, wizards have magical powers."
-Jordan. (We have now found the one thing that Jordan does know!)
When my column last week, The Empire Strikes Out, had to be several days late, I received many comments and emails from you readers, expressing how you missed it, and were hoping it would be forthcoming, and when it arrived, expressing gladness that it was here. Thank you. At the risk of being sincere for one sentence, that meant a lot to me.
Also, before we get down to business, I wanted to point out that in the comments for two weeks ago's column, No Joy in Mudville, a comment was left by evicted houseguest Casey himself, fortunately expressing how hilarious he found my write-up, rather than fuming over my harmless japes. It does tickle me to learn that some of my subjects are also among my readers, though I don't expect any compliments from the Emperor Palpatwit anytime soon. Glad to have you here, Casey.
Now to business. This week was a trilogy of fantasy worthy of J.R.R. Tolkien himself, and so shall it be.
Book One: Sunday: Jeremy Piven and the Deathly Bores.
Jessie is so clueless (and doomed) he actually misses Palpatwit. Said Jessie of The Dork Lord: "We lost a wingman, and a very good wingman he was." Jessie, Palpie was the whole turkey.
Pointless Wizard Speculation #1: Kevin to Chima: "I thought sure you had the mystery power." Why?
Chima about winning HOH: "Most importantly, it means that Natalie, Jessie, and I are safe this week... Sweet Revenge, baby." Somewhere (outside in the pool), a secret wizard is chortling quietly.
Russell tried kissing Chima's butt to stay off the block. He had to hug her. Poor Russell. My skin hasn't crawled so far since Palpatwit appeared shirtless. Plus, it was already a lost cause.
Jordan, watching a spider spin a web (Which Jeff thinks the tiny spider will use to catch birds! I'd like to see a half-inch spider trying to eat a robin, snared in its steel web.): "What do they make their webs out of?"
Jeff: "Web." (Well, it's not like he's wrong, but it's still an utterly stupid answer.)
Jordan: "Yeah, but where does it come from? Or does it shoot out of their butt?"
Jeff: "I don't know where it comes out of. They're wrists!"
Spiders have wrists? Even Jordan wasn't stupid enough to buy that one. And when you're dumber than Jordan, you are truly an ignoramus. I'm afraid this wizard flunked out of Hogwarts. I hereby rename Jeff henceforth to be called The Wizard Gandoofus. He's not a dark wizard; he's just a dim wizard, The Dim Lord.
Chima told the houseguests the tale of her rape and beating by a serial killer. It's a horrifying, true story, and her evidence sent the killer (He'd already killed two women he'd raped) to death row and his execution. Chima said: "I want to do something, maybe go talk to young girls or something. Something that's empowering." It happened ten years ago. What has she been waiting for?
Pointless Wizard Speulation #2: Jordan: "I think Michele has the mystery power. I really do... Michele has the mystery power." Why Jordan is certain of this I don't know; but then, I don't know why she can't tell time, nor divide 60 by 4, nor know where that far-away mythical land "Iowa" is.
Jeremy Piven visited the Big Brother House. Poor Jeremy. And now the houseguests are all in danger of getting mercury poisoning.
Gandoofus: "If any celebrity can come in the house, Jeremy Piven is definitely up there. I would say - I'm not even going to say top ten. Maybe top eight." I'm dying to know who the seven celebrities Gandoofus would put ahead of Jeremy are. (I would put about 22,784 celebrities ahead of Piven.) My guesses for Gandoofus's Top Seven:
7. Jessica Simpson. (For her bitchin' brain.)
6. Jon Gosselin.
5. Sanjaya Malakar.
4.The Sham-Wow Guy.
2. Kendra Wilkinson.
1. Professor Stephen Hawking.
So if Gandoofus loves Jeremy Piven so much, why didn't he warn him about that spider web? What if Piven got eaten by that ferocious spider? If Gandoofus loves Jeremy Piven so much, why doesn't he marry him?
Natalie told Piven that Gandoofus and Jordan have been "hooking up." Great! Now thanks to Loose Lips Natalie, Gandoofus can never achieve his dream of becoming Mrs. Jeremy Piven. Way to go, loudmouth.
It was a "luxury" challenge. The losing team had to see Jeremy's new movie. (Paramount Vantage hasn't payed me for Product Placement to mention its title, so I'm not going to.) The winning team got to eat slop for a week. One loser (Russell) also got $10,000, which would be my minimum fee to sit through this execrable movie. I saw the trailer for it in a theater a couple weeks back, and not only did it leave me wanting never to see it, but I wanted to unsee the trailer, which includes an anti-Asian Hate Crime presented as a "funny gag."
Let me put it this way; the ad mentions that it's from the people who made Stepbrothers, a wretchedly dreadful movie of last year. That's the sort of connection you hide, not trumpet. I'd tell you what grade Entertainment Weekly gave it, but they haven't reviewed it yet [Addendum. They have reviewed it now. It got a C+], luckily for its opening weekend. However, on Rotten Tomatoes.com, out of 55 reviews, 40 were pans to only 15 mildly positive ones.
While in the house, Piven made The Biggest Mistake of His Life, even bigger than appearing in Very Bad Things, or eating plates of fish that can tell you the temperature. He said to Jessie, "Good to see you, my friend." You see, Jessie took this meaningless polite noise at face value. Jessie now thinks that Jeremy Piven is now his actual friend!
As Jeremy was trying to escape, I mean leave, we heard this exchange:
Jeremy: "I'll see you guys on the other side."
Jessie: "How are we going to be able to take you up on that?"
Jeremy (A look of panic and terror flashing across his face): "On the other side? Don't you worry."
Jessie: "Oh, you'll find us?" (Jessie's been handed this dodge before, once by his parents.)
Jeremy (sprinting for the exit): "I'm gonna find you. Yeah. It's easy to find. I know how to find you guys."
Then, Jessie in the Diary Room: "He's a celebrity, and we actually get to say that now we've met him. You know, I was like, all right. Cool. If you wanna chill outside the house, that's awesome." Jessie, Jeremy Piven is not your friend, and he does not want to "chill outside the house." I see a restraining order in Jessie's future.
Jeremy Piven in the Diary Room: "They seemed like a bunch of really nice kids," so we know he hasn't been watching!
Jessie made the mistake of not fleeing when Lydia spoke to him, and Natalie flew into a jealous rage. If he were anyone in the world but Jessie, I'd feel sorry for him. That poor guy needs steady hands when shaving his armpits.
To no one's surprise, Chima nominated Russell and Lydia, and it didn't matter, because The Wizard was still lurking shirtless in the background, with the real power.
Book 2: Tuesday: The Treachery of Gollum.
I looked at the houseguest page on CBS.com, and there people can elect to be a "fan" of their favorite houseguests, just as you can elect to be my fan here. (My thanks to all 83 of you) Interestingly, Gandoofus has the most fans, at 6580. Chima has the fewest (Yea!), at 399, actually below Palpatwit's 468. Braden has 1126 fans, and he was evicted the first week! Russell has 2193 fans, oddly enough, all gay bottoms.
Pointless Wizard Speculation #3: Jessie to Natalie: "[Gandoofus] has the power." Okay, that's actually a correct guess, but it was based solely on The Dim Lord getting summoned to the Diary Room. They all get Diary Room summonses! It means nothing. Yet Jessie then went around to his alliance announcing that Gandoofus has the power. These people will soon be on a jury, and they don't begin to grasp the concept of "evidence."
Pointless Wizard Speculation #4: Chima to Jessie: "I've been thinking it was [Gandoofus] from the beginning." On what evidence?
Pointless Wizard Speculation #5: Natalie to Jessie and Chima: "[Gandoofus] doesn't have the power. I don't think he would use it if he's not on the block anyway... He's not dumb like that." That's three wrong guesses in thirty seconds. He is The Wizard, he will use it, and he is that dumb!
Russell does not have a future in diplomacy. "I'm on the block, so I'm going to try to mend some fences, particularly with Michele," said Russell before going out and starting an argument with The Doctor that rapidly escalated into a full-scale screaming match. Russell could get Mahatma Gandhi to mass-murder orphans. I bet that this once happened in a shopping mall, some long-ago December:
Santa Claus to Little Russell sitting on his knee: "So little Russ, what would you like for Christmas, you tremendously hunky six-year-old? Ho, ho, ho."
Forty-five seconds later...
Santa Claus to Little Russell: "Get off my lap, you vicious little bastard! I hate your mother-f*#king guts, you evil monster! I hope you die slowly in pain! I hope your Christmas tree burns down your house! I'm bringing you cholera for Christmas!!!"
Russell gets people screaming so loudly that I can still hear them after I turn off my TV.
To play for her in the Power of Veto competition, Lydia chose Kevin, now renamed by me Gollum, because he's creepy, fawning, and untrustworthy (there's also a physical resemblance; no offense, Movie Gollum). Admittedly, the movie Gollum is a bit butcher. Okay, more than "a bit."
Lydia did this because her buddy Gollum assured her he would use it to take her off the block. Lydia, a word of advice; don't loan Gollum any of your jewelry.
This competition required the contestants to wear chicken suits. CBS, we tune into Big Brother each summer for the flesh. Quit dressing them up, and let them compete as nude as they're willing to get. It involved stealing eggs through chicken wire. Why weren't they dressed as foxes, or still better, weasels?
Gollum complained in the Diary Room: "I'm thinking 'I'm screwed,' because I have tiny Asian hands." This is the first time I've heard a member of an ethnic minority use a racial slur against himself. Besides, his tiny hands were actually an advantage, as they could more easily slip through the chicken wire than the others. He took an early lead which he never lost, and won the Power of Veto, though Russell only lost by a single second.
Lydia was jubilant. Gollum had won! She was safe! Oh yeah?
You see, Gollum is a cowardly little weasel. He immediately began worrying that if he kept his word to Lydia, whom he repeatedly told, "I've got your back," he'd make an enemy of Chima and others.
Realizing that he was now vulnerable to the power of the lurking Wizard, Jessie began working on Gandoofus to try and turn him against Russell, using the straightforward tactic of telling Gandoofus blatant lies, recounting how Russell had been telling everyone that The Dim Lord "needs to go," which Russell never said. Gandoofus may be dim (may be!), but he's not that dim!
Jessie then laid this same line of bull on Jordan, who can believe anything (I'm fairly certain that by Thursday, she was expecting a real wizard to show up), but even she wasn't buying it.
Pointless Wizard Speculations #6, 7, and 8: Jordan to Jessie: "I think it's Michele, or [Gollum], or hopefully [Gandoofus] has it and is just playing dumb right now." Basically Jordan's guess boiled down to "It's someone who isn't me." And Jordan, Gandoofus isn't playing dumb, any more than you are.
Now I would like to award a couple achievements:
Most Pointless Speculation Imaginable: Jordan asked Gandoofus: "If I get HOH next week, who should I put up?" The correct answer would be, "Ask the pigs that fly out of your butt when you win a competition."
Most Honest and Accurate Statement of Fact This Week: Russell: "Chima is a complete bitch. She's the most arrogant, self-centered person I've ever met." And he knows Jessie!
Chima, whom I'm starting to loathe as much as I loathed Palpatwit, said to Russell, "You should have been on America's Top Terrorists." (Will Paula Abdul be judging that now?) Yes Chima, Russell disliking you, the only sane response anyone could have to meeting you, makes him the equal of people who fly hijacked airliners into skyscrapers, murdering thousands in seconds. Real sense of perspective and good taste there.
Russell took this as a racial insult to him. Is he of Arabic heritage? I'm really asking, as I have no idea. [Next Day Addendum: I have learned that Russell is Lebanese. In fact his family is quite prominent in Lebanon. He not Islamic, but is a Catholic. I'd have to agree that Chima's terrorist remarks are racist. -TM] Anyway, as he protested that this was a racist remark, Chima's mature, adult response was to stick her fingers in her ears (hopefully managing to avoid piercing her eardrums with her razor-sharp talons), and loudly chanting "La, la, la, la, la, la, la." Chima Symone, the 21st Century Oscar Wilde. President Obama doesn't hold a monopoly on brilliant, reasoned oratorical powers and calm, intelligent discourse skills. Chima should be - ah - "discussing" healthcare at a town hall gathering. Remember, this is the woman who last week said: "America, you suck." and then laughed that scrapping-chalk laugh of hers, because it's funny to hate America, especially for petty reasons.
The producers backed up Chima's offensive (to victims of actual terrorists) slur with a montage of clips of Russell's 'roid rages throughout the show's run so far. It was entertaining, but no one seemed to be in terror. They were just annoyed. Russell doesn't terrorize. Not even once has he killed a random group of innocent strangers. How I wish I could still say that about myself. What Russell does is harassment. Frankly, if he'll keep doing it shirtless, he can come over and "terrorize" me all night. I'll leave my door unlocked. Don't tell Lydia.
"You can't take it because a woman is sending you home!" Chima screeched at Russ. Chima, don't count your chickens until The Wizard lets them go. "I DON'T CARE!" Chima shrieked like a banshee so loudly she was blowing out my speakers, which to me says she does care. "Grow a pair," was her parting shot. Chima, I've seen a live-feed screencap of Russell coming out of the shower, and he has a pair. Oh boy, does he.
Then the Luxury Challenge losers were locked in a room and forced to watch the Jeremy Piven movie. I believe this violates the Geneva Conventions. They were supplied with plenty of beer, in the producers' hopes that if they got drunk enough, they'd like the movie. How bad is this flick? Well, Russell and Jessie were laughing at it, Chima thought it was "good," and Jordan could almost follow it.
In the Diary Room, Lydia was wearing bright red lipstick and a red head scarf that made her look like a punk Lucy Ricardo.
After Lydia told Russell she was sure Gollum was going to betray her, Gollum got all whiny with her for betraying his plan to betray her. How dare you betray me when I'm betraying you? Gollum got so peeved that he threatened to use the POV to take her off the block. That's right, he threatened her with being saved from eviction. He hasn't really gotten the hang of this menacing thing quite yet.
Gollum: "As soon as I won the Power of Veto, I realized crap!" Well then why didn't you just lose the competition, you boob?
Russell: "I'd love to the veto to be used on me, but I think there's a better chance of me getting struck by lightening inside the Big Brother House than the veto being used on me." Russ, Gollum is gay, and you are a gorgeous young man. I think I know a way you could influence Gollum to save you. Just ask yourself, how badly do I want to be saved? The way to Gollum's heart is not through his stomach.
In the end (the way to Gollum's heart), Gollum chickened out, and refused to use his precious to save anyone. You could see in Lydia's pout that she was tattooing a target on Gollum's forehead. The first step in her hideous revenge was to change her nickname for Gollum from "Sugar Bear" to "Poopy Bear." She's so "street," so "punk," so "edgy," so pre-school.
Book Three: Thursday: The Wizard of Ah-Hahs.
Our lovely Chenbot was wearing a black & white polka-dotted outfit so full in the rear that in profile, she looked like she's carrying the baby in her "trunk."
At the eviction ceremony, Russell looked both cool and hot in his Sinatra hat. Very sharp.
Lydia is bitter, in addition to her usual sour, about Gollum not taking her off the block. "[Gollum] didn't use the Power of Veto on me, which is totally bogus. You could have saved your best friend from the block." Lydia, you've known him for a month. You are not his "Best Friend." At most, you're his "Best Acquaintance."
Russell on trying to save himself: "I'm not going to roll over and play dead." I knew he was a top!
Thank Heaven for the punishing heat wave we've been having here. (Remember, I live nearby the Big Brother House.) Thanks to the heat, Russell and Gandoofus are almost permanently shirtless.
Pointless Wizard Speculations #7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12: Jessie: "Someone has it [sharp deduction, Sherlock], and it's not Lydia, more than likely."
Jordan: "Russell is up to something..."
Dr. Michele: "Or he has the mystery power."
Chima to Dr. Michele, Gollum, and Jessie: "I still think one of you all have the power."
Gollum: "It's totally [Gandoofus]."
Natalie (in Diary Room): "Jessie and I have come to the conclusion that the mystery power either lies between [Gandoofus] or Jordan." Half right, but again, they have nothing to base this on but personal paranoia, though to be on the safe side, the two of them spent an afternoon buttering up Jordan and The Dim Lord. Natalie employed the "Playing Badminton Ineptly" tactic often favored by Julius Caesar during his campaigns in Gaul.
Jordan: "There's something scandalous going on, and I will figure it out - eventually." She should have it worked out by the second term of the Sarah Palin Presidential Administration.
"Ah, that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations, has very little relation to the actual facts of real life as we know them."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest.
Chima was pre-gloating, hoping for a unanimous vote against Russell so she could smirk at him. "Loathsome" is too nice a term for Chima. "I have orchestrated his demise," she said, laughing her revolting laugh over her imaginary victory, "I look forward to dancing on his grave." Chima darling, when you die, they will hold a grand debutante ball on your grave. Please make it soon. My gown is going out of style.
Julie Chenbot: "Chima is not afraid to speak her mind." You can always tell when Chima is speaking her mind; it's when she's silent.
Pointless Wizard Speculation #13: Chima: "I'm not 100% sure that [Gandoofus] has the power, but I'm like 99.9% sure." Braying laugh. Later on: "I'm pretty much being myself." Braying laugh. Her sense of humor is "If I say any random phrase, it's hilarious!"
Biggest Lie of the Week (in fact, of the whole season so far): Chima: "I am so not a diva."
We had a segment showing the grandmother who raised Chima watching her on TV. She ought to be too ashamed to show her face in public. She spoiled this horrible woman so severely that she's acquired a monstrous sense of entitlement and ego, coupled with imperiousness, and a solid belief that the sun shines out of her butt, that has made her unbearable to be anywhere near. If ever there was a case of too much self-esteem, Chima is it. Jessie has a massive ego also, but he is miles behind her in the obnoxiousness sweepstakes.
They had a montage of Chima's imperious, whining, spoiled-diva behavior. It should be released as a horror movie: The Blair Bitch Project.
Chima's "friend" Kimberly: "Chima thinks men look down on women." No, they just look down on Chima. "She comes off very strong." No, she comes off as a raging harridan.
"I'm very proud of her." said the grandmother who spoiled a pretty little girl so horribly that she grew up into this monster.
Chima: "When I argue, I prefer to stick to the issues." So Russell's alleged "cauliflower ears" are an "issue"? If cauliflower looked like Russell, I'd eat a lot more of it.
Back in my first Big Brother recap, I said I'd be looking for people shouting "I knew it!" at the revelation of something they did not know. When Gandoofus stood up and revealed his secret identity as The Dim Lord, Gollum yelled out, "I knew it!" No he didn't. No matter who had stood up and revealed they had the power, Gollum would have yelled "I knew it!" Unless Gollum himself had the power (assuming the voting was done not by America, but by Mordor); that would have surprised him. "Oh my God, it's me! Who knew?"
So Gandoofus did just what I wanted him to: he used the Coup D'etat. He broke up the imaginary romance of Jessie & Natalie, by replacing Russell and Lydia on the block with them. Tragically, he was prohibited from putting up Gollum or Chima. If only he'd said, "Luke, you don't know the power of The Dim Side of the Force."
When nominated, Jessie stripped off one shirt, revealing another one underneath with a picture of him shirtless on it (Think about that; he was wearing a shirt showing him shirtless. Why not just be shirtless?), and with the words "The Man, the Myth, the Legend..." on the front, and "Take it all in!!!" on the back. I suspect that I could take Jessie's all in and still have room for a friend.
Jessie babbled meaninglessly, and said he hoped the vote would be a tie, despite the odd number of voters. He must have learned math from Jordan.
And so once again, as last year, Jessie was evicted. Jeremy Piven, I strongly recommend you change your name, move, get plastic surgery, and maybe even a sex change. Jessie is expecting to "chill" with you. The thought chills me.
When Gollum tried to hug Jessie as he exited, Jessie dodged him, and said, "Hey no. Hey. It's all right buddy. Get out of here." You know Jessie, if you had hugged Gollum a few times, he might have voted to keep you, and you wouldn't be leaving.
Jessie took out his anger by beating up random audience members on his way to the Chenbot.
America, hide! Jessie is blaming you! Jessie and Julie had a flex-off. Be careful, Jessie; hers are made of metal.
Hell hath no fury like a Chima foiled. She was steaming. (Heh, heh.) Chima: "Did he [Russell] just say he [Gandoofus] kept his word? Oh, that means he knew about the mystery power." No it doesn't, but as Stephen Stills so wisely wrote, "Paranoia strikes deep, into your heart it will creep." Chima added, "Looks like me and the producers need to have a little bit of a talk." Those poor producers. (Go ahead and quit, Chima. Please quit! Walk out that door.)
Dr. Michele won HOH, so the big question next week is will she go with "Sisters before Misters"? Please Doctor. I've been nice to you here so far. Please nominate Chima.
Waiting to get back in the house at the end, we heard Chima saying, with ominous, quiet fury: "If you don't want me to cuss, let me into the house." She's pure class, that one. "They're testing my paaaaa-tience." Chima insanely thinks the producers work for her, rather than vice versa. Did Chima's granny teach her that she rules the universe? Granny Chima, you spoiled that girl rotten. You should be ashamed.
Next week, a double eviction. I so hope one of them is Chima.
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