Sunday was a clip show. I heard so many lines I'd already written jokes for, I wondered if I shouldn't just do a clip column. The only new thing I learned was that Kristen eats spiders to maintain her figure, like Renfield in Dracula. It brought a tear to my eye, as I remembered that Renfield had been best man at my third wedding, to Count Vlad Tepes of Transylvania. Let me tell you, Renfield was the worst caterer in history!
So let's skip over the boring clip show and get right to the finale.
On Wednesday night, following the premiere of Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens, we found The Penguin deep into his fantasy world. It's a world so rich, complex, and vivid, I wonder if he's given it a name, like Oz or Middle-Earth. Maybe Nincompoopia.
The Penguin: "Alls I hadda do was win two competitions, and I was gonna win five hundred thousand dollars." He won two competitions. He won that Power of Veto that sent Ragan out, and he was one of the winning team members that won the booby prize of sitting through the movie. I guess those weren't the right two competitions. He should have been more specific about his goals. Maybe if he'd made more of a habit out of winning.
He continued: "I created The Brigade. I made dis ting..." Verily, didst I hew it from the dust of the soil by the labor of mine own brow, and when my mighty labors on it were complete, I looked upon it, and it was awesome. "... And now one of dem are gonna win it, except me. Like I'm de mastermind..." "Masterminds" don't create sentences like: "now one of dem are gonna win it, except me." "... I'm de Godfadder, and it looks like I made a hit on myself." Well, that would make you an idiot! Penguin, I don't know how to break this to you, but you're not Vito Corleone. You're not Michael Corleone. You're not even Sonny Corleone." You are - yes, you are! Face it! - You are Fredo Corleone, only more incompetent.
But it's nice he's so happy for his friends.
The Jury House of HELL!: Ragan is "working on" forgiving Mr. Mensa for having a healthy wife. "It's a process," announced the drama queen who still hasn't told them he was the second saboteur.
Bitchney arrived in the house bursting with the history of the Brigade, even arriving wearing a T-shirt making her a Brigade Alternate, with the word "Brigade" misspelled, so you know it was really made by The Brigade.
Learning that Mr. Mensa had kept yet another secret from him, made Ragan feel still more used, and forced him to saddle up his high horse again.
And has Ragan told Mr. Mensa even yet about being the second Saboteur? Nope. That high horse's saddle is pretty shakily cinched in.
Boobiac: "I didn't even know these boys were smart enough to have an alliance, or even to know what the word 'alliance' meant. So frankly, I'm shocked." You mean these boys who defeated you, voted you and your man out of the house, and kept their alliance secret from you the whole game? Are you referring to these guys who outsmarted and outplayed you? How hollow rings the scorn of Boobiac.
The subject of who was the second saboteur came up, with all convinced it was Mr. Mensa, and Ragan just sat there silent, on his high horse over Mr. Mensa's lies to him. At least Mr. Mensa's lies aren't ongoing!
Boobiac can not accept that she was outfoxed from beginning to end by The Brigade, as it nullified the "I'm The Empress Caligulotta" aspect of her HOH wins. She can not quite get it through her thick skull that she's only smart inside her own head, and that the other players aren't her imaginary admirers, but actual people, and like most actual people, actually smarter than she is.
Bitchney on The Penguin: "Everyone sitting on this jury can sit here and say that, at one time or another, they had a relationship with Enzo in the house." I had no idea he was such a slut! Where's the night-vision footage to back up this scandalous allegation?
Kathy said of Hayden: "I think he's brilliant." Talk about faint praise: next to Kathy, a four-days-dead frog is "brilliant".
Ragan: "This is Big Brother, not Big Clergyman." True. If this were "Big Clergymen," I wouldn't be watching it. But Ragan is talking about The Beast, when he refers to a "Big Clergymen." That's The 8-Second-Man Beast, The get-drunk-and-shoot-anything-with-eyes Beast, The beat-up-guys-in-bars-for-fun Beast. If that's Ragan's idea of a clergyman, I'd like to know what church he attends.
Final Head of Household Competition, Level Three: Oh dear. It's a quiz. This puts The Beast at a serious disadvantage, because he's stupid. Also, he doesn't retain information. Plus, he's stupid.
Fortunately for The Beast, Hayden's an idiot also. They came in a dead tie, giving identical answers, right and wrong, right down the line, two minds with but a single thought, if that. Time for a tie-breaker.
The tie-breaker question was how many times did they get slammed into the walls in the first level of this challenge. It would have been hilarious if one of them had gotten it exactly right.
Their answers were Hayden: "91" and The Beast: "55." The actual answer was 250. Can you imagine being slammed into a wall 250 times, and a mere week later, forgetting over 150 of those slams? I can see being off by twenty or even thirty, but by more than 150?
Anyway, Hayden won HOH, and got to choose whom the other person to go to Final Two with him will be. Looks like it's Hayden's game to lose.
Hey. The Beast's dad is a dead ringer for beloved British Oscar-winning character actor Jim Broadbent.
Hayden evicted The Penguin. At last. I was beginning to fear he could even win for losing. But he's off to Wifey in Jersey. Hayden finally put the cat out.
The Penguin is fresh out of stir, and ready to party: "I can't wait for dis party tonight. I'm dirty dancing wit every one of youse guys who are at dis party tonight." Has he not noticed Wifey sitting in the stands behind him? She may want to limit whom he dirty dances with, while bursting with two and half months worth of horniness.
Final Interrogation: Boobiac's laughter-as-punctuation tendencies were at full steam when she stood up to ask her jury question: "Well - [pointless giggle] Lane.[pointless giggle]" How does anyone talk to her for more than a few minutes without wanting to throttle her?
Mr. Mensa asked The Beast if he'd have taken Bitchney or a Brigade member to Final Two. He tried to dance around it, but The Chenbot persisted, insisting on a name. The Beast broke:
The Beast: "It would be a Brigade member. Duh! I'm 100% loyal to The Brigade."
Mr. Mensa: "Not a hundred." Point made.
Hayden told the jury that he never said anything behind anyone's back that was "too hurtful." I'd love to see his scale of acceptable levels of hurt. Let's say the jury accepts this statement. Might it not count against him with such prize acid-mouths as Boobiac, Bitchney, and Ragan?
The Vote: Yappity-Yap. Both Brendon and Boobiac said they were voting for the person with the best social game. Why? I would think Best Overall Game would be how one should vote. Was it because Boobiac found the social game impossible to play?
In the clips, it was amusing to see Annie, the lesbian Saboteur who was the very first evictee, again smugly cheer: "Man, I'm gooood! Wrong then. Still wrong now. A spectacular failure. Man, she was baaaad!
Boobiac: "I don't think I'm skanky." You keep right on not-thinking that.
We learned, to our speechless shock and awe, that Kristen and her boyfriend broke up when she got home from shagging Hayden on national TV, which, it turns out, is broadcast all over the place. What a big mouth CBS is. And after Kristen had told her friend LaDonna to tell Kristen's mom that Kristen was just spending three months at Peggy Sue's house, because Peggy Sue's mom said it was okay. Gee, if you're going to watch every little thing I do on CBS Prime Time, how can I ever have any privacy? YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!!!
The Beast on Mr. Mensa's Big Lie: "Make up a lie about your dog. Don't make up a lie about your wife." The Beast's dogs were devastated by this cavalier treatment. First, his good dog learns that his death would mean no more to The Beast than if Bitchney was hurtin' real bad, and now this. Make up a lie about your bad dog. Don't make-up lies about your good dog.
When CBS reran for Bitchney The Beast telling how she was his genuine choice to take to Final Two, they edited "It was like one of my good dogs died." Poof! The insult was gone. I guess they didn't think Bitchney would have gotten all teary-eyed and romantic if she'd heard The Beast liken her pain to one of his dogs dying, albeit, one of his good dogs, so he meant it caringly.
I genuinely don't care if Brendon and Boobiac stay a couple after this summer. I never want to see either of these two nauseating morons again as long as I live.
Finally Ragan was revealed as the second Saboteur. Mr. Mensa looked shocked, but he didn't launch into a rendition of Ragan's "How could you lie to me like that? I'm so hurt!" crap. Ragan, plummeted off of his high horse with the announcement: "Suckers! I got $20,000!"
Hayden won. The Penguin's tie-breaker vote decided it. Okay. If anyone "deserved" it, I guess he did. But what a financial loss for the makers of Muscle Milk.
Bitchney won the "America's Favorite" cash prize. She'll need it, as there was apparently a serious fire in the house she shares with her fiancé, What's-His-Name, last night. (He reportedly saved all their pets, so The Beast can relax; her good dog is just fine.) All that matters to me is that Boobiac didn't win it.
That's Big Brother 12: The Saboteur all over. I'll be back here tomorrow with a recap of the opening episode of Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens, and my Survivor columns will, from then on, run here on Thursdays. Until tomorrow: cheers darlings.
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