07/16/2010 11:41 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Big Brother 12 : (Mala)Props to the Houseguests.

"I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning. ... She should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts, and as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries. But above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not misspell and mispronounce words so shamefully as girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; and I don't think there is a superstitious article in it."
- Mrs. Malaprop, The Rivals, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan, 1775.

Mrs. Malaprop was born in Sheridan's immortal classic comedy. It turns out that she, and her unique approach to learning and language, lives on now, 235 years later, in the Big Brother House, in Rachel, aka "Boobiac" ("Braniac" + "Boobs" = "Boobiac." It's an equation. See, my little not-pretty, I can do "science" too!), the most highly-educated cocktail waitress/showgirl/"Chemist" in all of Las Vegas, whose hair is a color not found in nature. But we have a lot of ground to cover, not unlike Rachel's ginormous boobs, so let's get busy.

Sunday: Picking up where Thursday's show ended, with the saboteur locking away all the food and booze except for slop during a blackout, Boobiac, nobody's fool - excuse me, I meant everybody's fool, said: "Someone has to be in here, that did it." That tortured syntax comes from a woman who claims to have a college degree.

On the monitor, The Saboteur said: "Thanks for making this sabotage so easy." As Boobiac so succinctly put it, "Someone has to be in here, that did it." Therefore, the message about making it so easy had to have been pre-recorded, in which case, how did the Saoboteur or Sabotrix know before hand that it would be "so easy"? Time travel?

Kathy, the claims-to-be-40-years-old cop from Mayberry, or someplace like that, demonstrated her masterful grasp of deductive logic that has kept master criminals away from Mayberry for decades (well that, and the fact that there's nothing worth stealing), by saying: "Somebody put that lock on, in this house. End of story." Astounding Holmes! How do you do it? Can you see her investigating a murder?

Kathy: "One of you killed Mr. Boddy, in the library, with the lead pipe. End of story."

Suspects: "Aren't you going to tell us who did it?"

Kathy: "What part of 'end of story' don't you understand?"

We learned more of her meticulous investigative methods when, while speculating on whom might be The Saboteur, Hayden, the boy from the desert whose hair always looks like he just got out of the pool and just let it hang and dry in the sun (He has the worst frizzies I've ever seen, Justin Beiber without any "product." Doesn't he own a hairbrush?), said: "My first instinct was Andrew."

Kathy: "Yeah. You have to go on your gut." Yes, none of this investigating, and making deductions based on evidence for this cop. Her "gut" is all the evidence she needs. My gut tells me she's an imbecile. Although I cheated. I also used evidence, specifically, her own statements.

Out on the hammock, Brandon, the swim coach who brushes his teeth in the dark, Annie, the bisexual bartendress, and Boobiac, had a discussion, in which Brendon modestly proclaimed: "I honestly think that you, the three of us, are the most-intelligent players in this game." Has he noticed he's speaking with Boobiac?

He told them he has a master's degree in applied physics, like so many high school swimming coaches. And he's starting on his doctorate in Bio-Medical Physics at UCLA. Won't he be missing a lot of classes while locked in the Big Brother House? Well, not if he's evicted soon.

Oh, but still better, his master's thesis was on "Physical Chemistry." (Is there such a thing as "Ethereal Chemistry"?) Well, this got "Chemist" Boobiac's juices gushing in much the same way as "I'm single, 120 years-old, and a billionaire," used to excite the late Anna Nichole Smith.

Boobiac told us: "I have, you know, obviously, my chemistry degree from Western Carolina University." Obviously? Actually, she hides her education so well, I'd doubt her if she told me she had a mail-order GED. Is "Western Carolina University" accredited? Does it have an actual campus? Come to think of it, I know of North Carolina and South Carolina (home of some of America's most-embarrassing politicians), but I'm not familiar with "Western Carolina."

Boobiac, whose ambition in Life is to be the "Miss March" centerfold in Scientific American, told us: "When Brendon told me he was a physicist, I literally wanted to just like jump his bones." Literally? That would mean she wanted to remove his skeleton from his body and jump on it. I suspect she just wanted to screw him. I wouldn't mind doing that myself. However Boobiac, he's not a physicist; he's a high school swimming coach. Besides, Boobiac, how can you cheat on Stephen Hawking like that?

This was working for Brendon as well: "To talk to a hot girl, you know, about something intelligent, is a huge turn-on for me." What "hot girl"? He's talking to Boobiac. Are her massive mammary glands so distracting that he never even looks at her face at all, not to mention at her hilarious hair? (Talk about chemistry: what toxic chemicals turn Boobiac's hair that color?) You know, as "scientists," they should both know about gravity, and the fact that, in 40 years, Boobiac's colossal breasts will be getting little bruises on their undersides, from her unintentionally kicking them as she walks. But I doubt Brendon plans to hang around her for 40 years.

Annie was bored out of her mind by Brendon and Boobiac discussing science, instead of, I don't now, The Twilight Saga? Never mind chemical compounds; are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? She had a tasteful way of expressing it: "I felt very awkward, like I was watching my parents have sex. I mean, it's something I don't want to be a part of." Do her parents often expect her to "be a part of" their having sex? And without science, not unlike without her parents having sex, she wouldn't exist. But it's refreshing to see someone announce on prime-time network TV that intelligent conversations bore her.

A conference was held in the HOH room on "The Saboteur." Kathy, the Sherlock Holmes of Mayberry, announced "I seriously think it's a girl, and it's going to be a very likeable girl." Well, that exonerates everyone in the House, as I've yet to detect a "likeable" girl in this mob. Her evidence for these deductions has been returned to the place deep up Kathy's butt, from whence she pulled it out in the first place.

Annie told us, but not the houseguests, in the opening show that she's "bi-sexual." She's in the closet. How 1950 of her. Since Ragan had announced he was gay (well, to be fair, everything about Ragan announced he was gay), Annie took him aside to confide her secret, that she's bisexual, and has had a steady girlfriend now for a year and a half. (A year and a half is what you call a "Lesbian First Date.") Oh, so she's a Lesbian, but calling herself "bisexual." How 1975 of her. She said of her secret: "I felt like it was eating me inside." Yup. That's Lesbian sex in a nutshell.

Annie: "I shared it with Ragan because he's so strong and open and amazing." Well, he's open about being gay. He's lying to everyone there about his job though, telling them all he's a student when he's actually a professor. When I was in college, I had many professors who were open about being professors, but in the closet about being gay. (Theater Major. All of my professors were gay.) Ragan is just the reverse. Just as well. If Annie knew he had a doctorate, and could speak intelligently, well, there would go her parents having sex in front of her again! (Is it because her parents have straight sex that she feels so repulsed by their sex lives?)

The Big Brother chapter of MENSA, sans Matt, who actually is a member of MENSA, met in their club house, aka, the hot tub, where Boobiac could loll in a bikini (She will never drown! She's a living flotation device.), and Brendon could soak in his Speedo, while discussing how smart they are. Hayden, a born jock who distrusts people who can use multi-syllabic words in compound sentences, not that Boobiac can, was disturbed by this. He knows a showmance when he sees one.

Enzo is already my least-favorite houseguest. The man seems to aspire to live The Sopranos, which is an unfortunate choice of role models. But then, Enzo's last name is "Palumbo," so maybe that Mafia blather is more than just an annoying, charmless pose. He told Hayden: "You're just like me." What do they have in common? Both are male. Both are not-too-bright. That's pretty much it.

Said Enzo of Hayden: "He's definitely legit. I know that." Enzo must have studied rules of evidence under Kathy. And what does he mean by "legit"? That Hayden's parents were married, and never made Annie watch them have sex? That he's not really an entirely different person with a different name, only pretending to be "Hayden." That he's in a non-criminal business? What does he mean?

Enzo and Hayden were forming an alliance, but I guess Hayden figures it's okay when he does it. Enzo was summing up his candidates for their alliance: "Matty is legit." Again with that "legit" crap. What does that mean? "Lane loves me; I love Lane." A Showmance! I love Lane too, whose pecs are every bit as big as Boobiac's.

So Enzo decided they were now an alliance: himself, Hayden, Matt, and Lane. All-male. Hmmm. Gay, or are the women just supposed to cook the pasta while the men plot in dark rooms? "So the next thing ya gotta do, is have some brains in this operation." Well, they have a MENSA member in it, but I'm afraid Enzo means himself.

Matt hopped on board: "I'm going to venture to say we're in the strongest alliance in Big Brother history." This 5 seconds after an idiot mook drafts him into joining with two other meatheads, and before they've proved their worth in any way whatever. He's going to break a leg jumping to conclusions like that. But he had a "gut feeling" about them, and as Kathy has taught us, that's irrefutable evidence that - ah - that your guts have feelings. (Which they don't.)

Enzo has his priorities in line: "I wanna nickname the team. I want nicknames for everybody." Yes, never mind strategies; get some nicknames. Enzo, take the day off, coming up with nicknames for youse guys is my job.

Enzo: "Every Mafia needs some type of a muscle." He's making a "Mafia"? Oh joy. What will the nickname for their alliance be: Murder Incorporated? Enzo and I have different heroes. Of Lane: "He's like the size of a tree, this guy." How big a tree? A sapling? A Sequoia? Trees aren't "One Size Fits All."

"Pretty much I'm the mastermind," said Enzo, unaware that Matt is vastly more intelligent than he is. But he'd applied his mastermind to their most-pressing business: nicknames. He decided Lane was "The Beast," without considering for a second that Lane might find that insulting, as his stricken face suggested. Hayden was "The Animal." Hayden also looked a bit unhappy with his name, which is, let's face it, not much different from Lane's. Matt got "The Brains," which was generous coming from The Mastermind. Ah but his own butch nickname is "Meow Meow." Why not just go directly for "The Pussy"? Matt's the only human in this Mafia, which is now "The Brigade." "We're like The A-Team," The Pussy added, in case he hadn't insulted his team mates enough already. Next up: name tags!

Lane: "I have no clue what a brigade is." Gorgeous, no brain, but his shoulders are as big as Boobiac's boobs, "It came out of Enzo's brain, and, you know, he's from Philly or Jersey. I don't know where he's from." So he's not a regular viewer of Jersey Shore. That's another thing in his favor.

Hayden, ignoring nicknames and who is "The Brains," had his own agenda: he needed to figure out whom to nominate, and he went right for Brendon and Boobiac. This is actually fairly good strategy, and certainly a better use of time than coming up with inane nicknames, I half-expected The Pussy to interrupt with "What nicknames do we give them?"

Food Competition: They were divided into 3 teams. The losing team would be on slop for a week, and sleeping in the Have-Not bedroom, which is full of jars of smelly bugs. Last week, I asked in jest if they would have Kosher Slop for Andrew. Turns out, they don't, which is rather discriminatory. Doesn't it depend on how the slop is killed? What about vegan slop? Diet slop? Heart-Smart, low-Sodium Slop? There are lots of people with different dietary requirements. They should have slop of all varieties for them. I would need 90-proof slop. I have been a sloppy drunk for decades.

A large trough of caramel and a huge tub of popcorn greeted the houseguests in the yard. The Pussy described it as looking like Orville Redenbacker's backyard. Has he ever been to Orville's home? Well, maybe when Orville wasn't home.

The players had to crawl through the caramel to dig through the popcorn to find "teeth," until they had eight, which meant everyone had to go twice. Crawling through caramel is like crawling through glue, as I recall. (It's been a long time since last I crawled through caramel.)

Brendon's shorts were pulled off by the caramel. Thank you, caramel. "And how cute is his butt?" asked Boobiac. I don't know. They blurred it out. What a gyp!

When Kathy went through, she crawled through the muck, gluing herself into the trough. Even once in the popcorn, Kathy showed a singular lack of urgency. I imagine her chasing "perps": "Stop or I'll pout!"

The blue team, Kathy, Ragan, Boobiac, and Matt, were doomed, because Kathy just lay down in the caramel, and was utterly unable to move. "I'm literally dying here," said Kathy, though if that were true, she'd be too dead to tell us about it. It took five people to pull the idiot woman out of the muck after the contest ended.

When she saw (and smelt) the jars of maggots in the Have-Not bedroom, Kathy shrieked, and again carried on like an annoying 12 year-old. How desperate for police is Mayberry since Don Knotts died anyway? Does she behave like this at crime scenes?

Kathy then lectured Britney on her poor challenge performance. Britney smoked Kathy in the challenge, who lay down in the muck and just gave up. This is the Black Hole at the Center of the Universe calling an orange black.

The Saboteur put duct tape over the pictures of Kathy and Britney during the night. Oooh. What terrible sabotage. What's next? Short-sheeting someone's bed?

Nominations: Hayden went ahead and nominated Brendon and Boobiac, although Britney tried to get Kathy nominated. When it was shown that Kristen was safe, I was momentarily disoriented. It was pretty much the first shot of her in the whole episode, and we didn't see her again until the eliminations on Thrusday's show, and even then, she never said nor did anything. Did she spend the first few days in the bathroom, or is she just so boring, they could get no usable footage with her at all?

Hayden said he'd nominated Boobiac because: "I feel like you haven't tried to connect with me at all." This made it sound like he was punishing her for not trying to get into his pants, when it was really punishment for trying to get into Brendon's pants. One feels that Haydon didn't like the fact that "The Ladies" preferred Brendon to him. It was a shock to Arizona Boy to learn that hotter men were grown in California.

Wednesday: "The Brigade is runnin' things right now," said The Pussy, full of misplaced confidence. "By puttin' up Brendon, we probably put up The Saboteur too, so..." he added, without a shred of evidence, or an end to his sentence.

Hayden felt that Brendon is "mentally unbelievable. The guy's really smart." Well, compared to Hayden, yes he is.

Brendon referred to himself and Boobiac as "a couple-like deal." Commitment-phobic men all across America were writing that one down.

When Brendon, Boobiac, Annie the Semi-Lesbian, and The Beast were commiserating, in came The Pussy to snoop. His excuse? He wanted to get a sweater. I live about three miles from the BB House. It's been hot as blazes all week, even hot at night. The last thing anyone would want or need was a sweater.

Said college athlete Hayden: "That could not have worked out any perfecter." Perfecter. I take it that, as an athlete, he's not required to attend any actual classes. The Pussy, after saying that Brendon was "so salty," (Did he taste him?) Stated as a fact that Brendon, Boobiac, and Annie the Part-Time Lesbian were in an alliance they are not actually in to the members of his actual, formal alliance. They were shocked, shocked to hear that someone had the nerve to do what they themselves had done. And since The Pussy had said it aloud, it had to be true, even though it isn't.

When Annie came out, I mean out of the house, as she hasn't "come out," The Pussy shushed his allies with "Fuggedabodit!", which the CBS captions writer misspelt as "forget about it."

"It's hard for me to deal with ignorant people," said Brendon, "It's throwing me off." Had he ever watched Big Brother before going on the show? The house is always packed with ignoramuses. And how does that work for him when coaching high school athletics, where he'd be coaching a bunch of Haydons-in-utero, younger and dumber?

And then Brendon teared up! Maybe I've nicknamed the wrong player The Pussy.

So then, since the targets on them weren't big enough already, Brendon and Boobiac got under a blanket in the hammock and began, well let's say making out, since we couldn't see just how far they were going, in full view of the rest of the house. At least Boobiac can't speak with her mouth full.

Annie actually spit up all over the kitchen table when she saw what they were doing in the hammock. Yeah, she's bisexual, not simply a Lesbian, even though straight sex makes her puke publically. She probably felt like she was watching her parents make out in a hammock.

Could the reason Hayden was so angry about Brendon and Boobiac be that he wasn't the one with his mouth full of giant boobs in the hammock? Brendon went to talk to him in the HOH room, and Haydon told him it wasn't personal, which is the biggest lie anyone's told on this show so far this season. Brendon told Hayden that if Hayden pulled him off the block with POV, he'd become his ally, but if he didn't, and Brendon survived the week, he'd be coming after Hayden.

Hayden: "Brendon's on the block. He comes up and threatens me? Is this guy nuts?" No, just honest, offering you a straight-forward deal. Make me your friend or make me your enemy, your choice.

Brendon also spoke of Annie as "legit." Hello? What does that mean? Of course, Hayden took this as proof of the non-existent Annie-Brendon-Boobiac Alliance. (And, as it turned out, he was wrong. Annie was so not "legit.")

Power of Veto Comeptition: Playing along with Brendon, Boobiac, and Hayden, were The Pussy, Andrew, and Monet.

(If only we could get, just once, this exchange:

Anyone: "Mo-net?"

Monet [sighs]: "It's Mo-nay!")

The yard for this competition was festooned with pinatas and Mexican party decorations. Boobiac, you know, the waitress-showgirl-chemist with a "college degree" who had earlier informed us that Andrew wore a "Yom Kippur" on his head at all times, now told us: "We walked outside and I saw this crazy, like, Pinata Siesta." I guess all the pinatas were napping. Apparently neither English nor Spanish are requirements for that chemistry degree. The thing is, my father was a professional chemist, for real. Not a waiter, not a showboy, a chemist, and he never in his life called a Yarmulka a "Yom Kippur," nor a fiesta a "siesta." But then, my father didn't have immense boobs either, at least until quite late in life.

The pinatas were full of mayonnaise and plastic cards with letters on them. The idea was to smash open the pinatas, splattering mayonnaise all over, and retrieving letters, which they would then use to spell out any word. The longest correctly-spelt word would win. Oh dear. I hate when there's spelling involved, but fortunately for Boobiac, she only had to spell the word. She didn't have to know its meaning.

Andrew informed us his eating mayonnaise was fine. Mayonnaise is Kosher. News to me. My closest Jewish friend refuses to eat mayonnaise on anything, calling it "Goy Food." But he's not doing it for religious reasons, he just hates how it tastes. But in any event, mayonnaise that has been sitting outside in pinatas, in southern California July heat all day, would be very, very rancid. Eating it would do something that just eating non-Kosher food won't: kill you.

However, since it involved pounding stuff with baseball bats, The Pussy was in his element: violence. It was like Leg-Breaking For Dollars. But he took to telling us this, and other stuff, in shirtless confessionals. Enzo, wear a shirt! Brendon, The Beast, or even Hayden, you are not! Even Andrew looks better shirtless than The Pussy.

The Beast amused me. He was sitting there watching, wearing goggles. He told us: "I do not appreciate getting hit in the face with dairy." So is he saying he wouldn't want Boobiac to slap his face about with her titanic flesh pillows? Because all the other guys there except Ragan would gladly pay her to do so. He added: "On a farm, I have never seen mayo come out of a pony. It just ain't right." To quote Addison DeWitt in All About Eve: "You have a point, an idiotic one, but a point."

Boobiac: "I am not good with any bats." So she must be Team Jacob. She certainly must be experienced with handling wolves.

The Pussy: "You gotta go 'street' on the pinata." You know, I find him more revolting, on every possible level, every time he opens his mouth.

Brendon showed us that his understanding of game strategy extended beyond athletics and being "street." He used - gasp! - his brain. He knew to spell a word which could have suffixes added to it, to extend. I bet he doesn't just swim, or, in The Pussy's case, kneecap. Brendon sounds like a Scrabble player.

Said Boobiac: "Oh my God, I could spell 'chemistry,' and that's my go-to word, and I know how to spell it." The relief in her voice told us that the number of words college-graduate Boobiac knows how to spell is pretty much limited to "chemistry" and her name - maybe her name.

Results, in order of word-length:

The Pussy: "Factory." ("It fell off a truck, honest.")

Hayden: "Possible." (As in, it's possible he'll lose.)

Monet: "Cheaters." (Bitter recent break-up, Monet?)

Boobiac: "Chemistry."

Andrew: "Pastuerized" (Misspelled, by a doctor no less. Afterwards, he claimed to us that he misspelled it intentionally. Sure you did, Captain.)

Brendon: "Understanding." (As in: his understanding of how to win this challenge.)

Hayden: "Thirteen letters? Are you kidding me? My last hope is down to Captain Kosher." Hayden didn't know there were any 13 letter words in the Amurrican language. He may not have known there are that many letters in the alphabet. I doubt he spends much time reading. But I liked "Captain Kosher," and will start using it, particularly since Andrew seems to have embraced the name, and was using it on himself as well.

So Brendon won, and suddenly Haydon found himself with an enemy. Oops. Maybe you should have tried writing a longer word than "possible." "Impossibilities" would have won.

"I say we backdoor Annie," said The Pussy, referring to whom should replace Brendon on the block, I hope.

The Pussy was angry: "They just slapped us in the face. Brendon took us down, made us look like shit out there, bro." Actually, they made themselves look bad out there, by spelling out short, lame words. How dare Berndon not get with the program to oust himself? The nerve!

Are they over-air-conditionng the BB House? They're walking around wrapped in blankets. We're having "Excessive Heat Warnings" on the news out here. It's 4:15 AM when I'm writing this, and I'm naked, because it's still hot.

The Beast told Haydon that if Kathy left the house, it wouldn't be "dramatizing," so it's not just Boobiac dropping malapropisms now.

The Saboteur appeared to announce that two of the houseguests, pretending to be strangers, are really lifelong friends. I understand this is to foment more paranoia, but it's not too exciting. What was interesting was that the houseguests all took it as true. Someone said it, so it must be true. It didn't occur to anyone but Brendon and Matt that it might just be a lie, told to promote more distrust. There's no rule that The Saboteur can only speak Truth. And some of these folks probably vote.

Captain Kosher decided that Ragan and Matt were secretly gay lovers. Well, we saw Matt's wife in the first episode, so I'm pretty sure The Captain is right, although Matt could do better than Ragan, and Matt's no prize. His own evidence that he himself was not one of the "friends" was that no one there was his friend, because "nobody knows anything about Judaism, except maybe him," with "him" referring to Ragan. Well, I'll grant that Boobiac knows nothing about Judaism, beyond that they all wear "Yom Kippurs" on their heads, and I doubt that Hayden, living in racist "show us your papers!" Arizona, has ever met a Jew before, but beyond that, he's nuts. Brendon and Matt have educations and brains, however odd Brendon's dental hygiene habits are. Judaism isn't some bizarre, obscure cult. It's just The Captain's way of being morally superior to everyone.

Hayden announced "Kathy could be Britney's mom." You know, he's right. She could be. Both are from nowheresvilles in Arkansas (where they are also unlikely to meet many Jews), both are blonde. Neither is too smart. The age difference is right. They both have the same nose, though that could just be that they used the same surgeon. (How many cosmetic surgeons can there be in Arkansas?) And the way Kathy dressed down Britney for screwing up in the caramel challenge when it was Kathy who had been the train wreck, was exactly like a real mother-daughter relationship. Also, Britney, while not terribly smart, is still noticeably smarter, and certainly more emotionally mature, than Kathy, as I was smarter and more mature than my mother. Hmmm.

Power of Veto Ceremony: Said Annie of Britney: "I wouldn't trust that girl with a ten-foot pole." What does she think Britney would do with a ten-foot pole? Poke her with it? Steal it? Use it for a toothpick? Use it for a dildo? It's bad enough these people pepper their speech with cliches, but she's just tossing them in at random, regardless of whether they even make sense.

Brendon took himself off the block, and Hayden put up Annie. Annie was upset.

Thursday: Said Hayden of replacement nominee Annie: "Annie, grab your gun, and you're out of here." Okay, Hayden is definitely not gay. A gay man would know it's Annie Get Your Gun. Or, given my hatred of the show Annie (I hate shrill singing kids.), it could be: "Annie? -- Get my gun."

Annie: "I lashed out at Brendon because Brendon was the closest person in the house to me..." So much for her bonding with Ragan. "...and I felt he was protecting Rachel and not me, and it really hurt my feelings, because I felt betrayed." Gee, Brendon, who is in no position to "protect" either of them, is more into saving the girl he's making out with than the closet Lesbian, excuse me, bisexual, who isn't going to be getting him off anytime soon. How like a man. How utterly insane of Annie.

Anyway, as a tactic to fight to stay in, lashing out at people who liked you up until then is a poor strategy, not to mention that it leaves the episode with little suspense.

Annie has no real understanding of how to apologize either:

Brendon: "I was just kinda hurt by what you said in the kitchen."

Annie: "That was sarcastic." This is her idea of apologizing? We knew it was sarcastic. That makes it more hurtful, not less.

Boobiac got Brendon alone on a bed, climbed on top of him, pulled the blanket over them, and started doing that thing they do, and Brendon started talking about how sad Annie was. Boobiac found this behavior utterly bizarre. Frankly, so did I. I suppose she should consider herself lucky he didn't start brushing his teeth. It's dark under that blanket.

Boobiac: "Why are you getting upset about some girl?" Good question.

1. When making out with a woman, you don't begin talking about some other woman.

2. You don't go on about how bad someone feels about being on the block to someone who is also on the block! Boobiac is not too bright, but I was with her on this.

So then he whines about how Boobiac is too concerned about how she feels rather than how he feels.

1. He's off the block now; she's not. Poor him. And...

2. She's a woman, and one he's only known for 13 days. Of course she's more concerned with her own feelings than his.

Online, "America" voted on whom they felt was the Saboteur, and they voted for Kathy, I assume because they thought no 40 year-old deputy sheriff could really be that stupid and immature. Clearly "America" hasn't met many rural southern cops.

And they were wrong. It's Annie, and as she's about to be voted out the very first week, she made one lousy job of it. She would get $50,000 if she just lasted halfway through the game. Whoops. The season's big twist ruined after a single week. Kathy had said it would be a likeable female. She was half-right.

One of Annie's fiendish acts of sabotage was to leave beeping or cricket noise thingees in the bedrooms, to annoy people. Wow! What a terrorist she is. She interrupted Captain Kosher at prayer, and spoiled a few naps. What a huge impact on the game that had! Well, at least we got to hear The Pussy say: "The Meow Meow has to sleep for at least nine hours." I don't know what's more pathetic: a grown man who considers himself a tough guy calling himself "The Meow Meow," or his need for nine hours of sleep every night. Most people manage on 8, millions on even less. I'm writing this on six.

"Man, I'm good!" gloated Annie, who has failed in her saboteur role as completely as she possibly could. Man, she's lame.

"I escaped the block this week" the Saboteur lied to the houseguests. A rather hollow taunt that, all things considered. And again, they all believed it. "We all know for sure that whoever stays isn't the saboteur." said Ragan. Someone said it out loud, so it must be true. This moron has a doctorate.

Annie went about speading rumors about Brendon, and everyone just believed every word she said. This is the most-gullible group of dolts I've seen since the last time I was dragged into a church. She's desperate to stay in the house, and would say anything to further that goal. Doesn't that cross anyone's mind?


The Chenbot asked Brendon of Boobiac: "What is it about her that attracts you?" Well Julie, there are two rather obvious answers to that question, but he lied instead.

Pleading her case, Annie the Lesbian Saboteur said of Boobiac: "I'm not going to say anything negative about her, except..." Here I had to rewind, because my laughter at that "except" drowned out the rest of her sentence, which was: "... for the fact that she has one ingredient that I don't have..." Math is not Annie's strong suit. Boobiac has two ingredients that Annie doesn't have. Well, Annie does have a pair of her own, but both of Annie's added together are still less by cubic volume, than just one of Boobiac's.

Annie was unanimously evicted. Good riddance.

Hearing the live audience applaud and cheer Annie was strange. Could she have done a worse job? I don't see how.

Asked why she was voted out unanimously, Annie said: "They're not smart," although I think the vote shows the opposite. They were smart enough to recognize a viper when she showed her true colors at the last.

The goodbye messages were rich: Hayden pointed out that her nasty temper got her bounced. Unusually perceptive for Hayden. Britney cattily criticized her shoes and her hair "as a friend." Ragan the Fool called her "Annie-Banannie," for which he should be slapped. (And only our Casey from last year is a "banannie") "You get along with people," said Ragan of the woman who was just tossed out for her nasty temper, but at least he realized she could really be the Sabaeur, so he gets a 50%. Brendon was gracious and nice to her, genuinely sorry to see her leave. Of course, he recorded this before she tried to throw him to the wolves. And Boobiac accused her of "trying to come in between me and my man." Did she and Brendon get married sometime in the last 13 days?

So Annie called Brendon "my sloppy seconds." Hello? By her own admission, she turned him down. (assuming her claim that he came onto her first is even remotely true.) That would make him her reject, not a sloppy second. To be a sloppy second, he'd have had to have had sex with her. Those are the rules. Even a "bi-sexual" knows that. Annie clearly felt she was mopping up the floor with her snark, but actually, she was just reinforcing her image as a nasty piece of work with a vicious temper. If she and her girlfriend are living together, I pity their neighbors, or as they will one day be called at the trial: "The Collateral Damage."

"I'm not gone yet," said Annie, now fully delusional. Annie, once you stepped through that door, you were gone, regardless of whatever last prank you've left behind.

Head of Household Competition: This was an opinion quiz where the point was to vote with the majority, without knowing what the majority was voting. Asked whether hers or The Pussy's life story would make more money as a movie, Kathy answered herself, getting herself eliminated for the stupid hubris of thinking someone, somewhere, would find her life interesting at all, let alone over the life of someone trying his damndest to be one of the Sopranos.

One question was about which houseguest would you trust to pack your parachute for you. Every skydiver still alive knows you always and only pack your own.

How quickly fortunes can change on this show. At the top of the hour, Boobiac was in danger of going home. At the end, she was Head of Household, and without even one question on chemistry. Brendon won't be going home next week, and I get at least two more weeks of boob jokes. It's the Breasts of Both Worlds.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.