The thing I love about double-eviction weeks is that it clearly shows the producers are as sick of these house guests as I am.
Brendon, aka The Neandertal, thinks he's "way more intelligent" than Matt, aka, Mr. Mensa. And was your MENSA membership application accepted, you big dummy? I don't see Matt hooking up with Boobiac. At least Mrs. Mensa's diseases are only imaginary.
Mr. Mensa thinks his use of the Diamond Power of Veto is proof of his being a "Diabolical Supergenius," like he knew there was one, and had worked and planned specifically to get it. Mr. Mensa, flukes are not diabolical supergenius.
Mr. Mensa described Bitchney's pageant picture better than I could: "This bizarre, creepy, nightmarish like prom-pageant picture from when she was 14 years old." That's it all right: Prom Queen of the Damned, taken just before the pig's blood rained down.
Hayden described the, I hope, unflattering picture of her fiancé as: "He looked like the dorky kid in class that I used to try and cheat off of when I was in high school." Who does Haydon cheat off of now that he's in college? In any event, would a really smart guy be engaged to Bitchney?
Enzo, aka Meow Meow, aka Pussy Boy, realizes he shot himself in the foot by revealing to Mr. Mensa he had planned to vote him out, and tried to do damage control. He complained that Mr. Mensa doesn't hang out with him as much as he did at first. Of course not. He knows the moron now. Who would hang out with Pussy Boy after they had the misfortune to get to know him? Besides, not hanging out together was part of the plan to keep the Brigade secret.
Mr. Mensa then suggested to Bitchney that Pussy Boy be the pawn. Heh, heh, heh. Works for me. Let's lose the Jersey Bore.
After watching Pussy Boy hilariously "weightlifting" a bar with no weights on it at all, Lane, aka The Beast, bench-pressed 325 pounds, which apparently he achieves by talking to himself like's schizophrenic. Too bad he hasn't tried developing his brain that way. Sadly, if he tried bench-pressing Hamlet, or Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time, or Dick and Jane Go to the Seashore, we would see him popping brain-hernias left and right. Ask him to define "verisimilitude" or "fractal" and he'd need a skull-truss in no time.
Married Mr. Mensa is succumbing to homosexual panic, what with his gay showmance with Ragan, and his having erotic dreams about Hayden, which isn't easy. (I assume that in Mr. Mensa's dreams, Hayden has lost the power of speech, or I should say, the power of bellowing, as he never speaks when he can shout.) Well, Mensie, everyone else knew you were gay when we saw all your tattoos. You're just the last to know. You'll probably be settling down with Ragan after your wife dies of her imaginary bone disease.
Brendon tried to keep Bitchney from going back on the deal that she never had the slightest intention of honoring anyway. He told her: "I know I'm going to be HOH next week." Brendon, don't count your chickens before the eggs are even laid. You have to get to next week first.
Have/Have-Not Competition: The Beast's description of Bitchney in her H/H-N challenge Alice-in-Wonderland's-hand-me-down dress: "Britney looked absolutely banging. If she was at a bar, I would quickly find her, get to her boy friend, knock him out, and buy her a drink." You see, this is the difference between the third world backwater which is Texas, and the Civilized World to which it does not belong. In the civilized world:
A. Girls don't accept drinks from violent psychopaths who assault their loved ones. Oddly, even in Arkansas, girls don't like that. And...
B. You can't buy a girl a drink from jail.
Remind me again why we didn't allow Texas to leave The Union? In fact, remind me again why we ever acquired this uncivilized pesthole of a state in the first place. Texas, you've been "threatening" to secede ever since we threw out your moronic President Bush, and elected Obama. Please stop teasing us and secede. We don't want or need you. Go, and take The Beast with you. The man has one thing going for him, giant pecs, and he never even takes his flipping shirt off to show them to us, which makes him as useless as the rest of Texas.
Did it ever occur to anyone that Siege of The Alamo was Mexico using double-think to trick us into taking Texas off their hands?
Oh dear. The competition was western-themed, and set in a saloon. Do not give The Beast a gun! He might think the cameras were "things with eyes." It was Lawmen vs Outlaws. In a massive case of miscasting, Pussy Boy was cast as a lawman. At least The Beast was an outlaw, though he should have been a horse.
The Beast thought he was in Paradise: "I see a horse and I think: 'I got this,' you know? Are we gonna saddle it? Are we gonna ride it?" Beast, you dimwit, the "horse" is made of plaster. "After that, I see the saloon. Two things you gonna happen..." (No, I don't understand that nonsense phrase either.) "...You gonna drink, and you might get into a bar fight. Nothin's better than this." I've been going into bars longer than The Beast's been alive, and while I did plenty of drinking, I've yet to be in a bar fight. And as for "nothin's better than this," lots of things are better than that. Sex for one. A nap, a good book, stroking a kitty, smoking marijuana while listening to The Doors, a foot massage. Hell, almost anything is better than a bar fight.
The competition did involve drinking, with one player each round getting some hideously vile concoction, you know, like milk, or strawberry Ensure, but trying to look like it's yummy, you know, keeping an expression on their faces like that one you use when your Aunt Evelyn serves you her cranberry Jell-o, cottage cheese, cream of mushroom soup, BBQ potato chips casserole, while the other team tries to guess who got the crap to drink.
Bitchney was the barmaid. Why is the barmaid dressed like Alice in Wonderland?
Ragan is desperate to win. He's been on slop now since Clinton was President. He complained that he was "down to my birth weight." My, what a large head. His poor mother. All that agony, and all she got out of it was Ragan.
The outlaws, The Beast, Mr. Mensa, and Ragan, had a good strategy. Instead of all trying to look like they got good drinks, they all pretended to have crap drinks.
Said The Pussy: "I'm like a psychic with caller ID..." Huh? "You're not pulling a fast one on the Meow Meow."
The Lawmen decided to lift the Outlaws' strategy, but claim it as The Pussy's invention: "Let's use The Face, one of Meow Meow's signature moves." Given how repulsive his face is naturally, it seemed like a good idea, only it failed to take into account that none of them can act.
Ragan went into over-acting mode. "I'm just channeling my inner Lady Gaga," he said. That might be a good idea except that layered on top of his inner Lady Gaga was his outer Lady Gaga. I've seen subtler acting in silent movies.
The "Saboteur Swill" was carrots, soy milk, and Limburger cheese. Said The Beast: "Are those even words?" That's a Texas education for you. He lives on a ranch, and he's never heard the words "carrots, milk, or cheese."
Hayden on Ragan: "What's new? Ragan, crying again. He's been cryin' for the last two or three weeks. Why stop now?" That's an unusually accurate observation for Hayden. However, his observation as to who got the vile drink was less accurate, and the Outlaws took the lead.
Pussy Boy described one drink as being "like dipping my tongue in the sewer." When and how did he acquire the first-hand knowledge to make that comparison?
Hayden: "How can these guys be beating us?" Because you're hopelessly stupid. And you lost.
Pussy Boy: "I'm a Have-Not for the third term..." He undoubtedly meant "third time," but he's not a master of language, or of anything else. "...If I keep this up, I'm gonna look like Nicole Richie when I get outta here." Well, Nicole Richie after she was in a massive, disfiguring accident, involving slamming into a freight train, being dragged down the tracks for ten miles, having acid thrown in her face, botched reconstructive surgery, and lastly, really bad hair plugs.
Anyway, It's always fun to see Brendon lose something. Now they're sentenced to a week of slop, broccoli and bean dip. Wait a minute. Broccoli and bean dip? I've been known to serve that. That's good. (One of the choices America was offered included artichokes. I adore artichokes!)
Pussy Boy: "I don' know what bean dip is, but I know I don' wan' any part of dat." He doesn't know what bean dip is? Has he never been invited to a party buffet? Come to think of it, probably not. Who would invite this man to a party? The laugh is on him. Bean dip is delicious.
Mr. Mensa advised Bitchney to nominate Brendan and Pussy Boy. The Brigade is splintering. Like Mr. Mensa, I would be fine if Pussy Boy returned to his litter.
Bitchney and Ragan had a screaming panic attack because a large, utterly harmless moth fluttered into their backyard. Good grief, you wusses, butch up! It's not Mothra, it's just a moth, it couldn't hurt you if it wanted to. Grow the hell up. The Beast rightly felt that they acted like there was "guns shooting at us, or a dinosaur." Given how prehistoric all his Texan pastimes are, I suspect that he has had to dodge both of those menaces. So now we know, he is The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms.
The Beast: "It's a moth, people. It's not going to land, turn into the Predator, pull your spine out of your back, clean your skull off, and put it on a Christmas tree." Well of course it won't. The moth is clearly Jewish. And when Ragan freaks out like that, one wonders if he has a spine to pull out.
"He's not looking out for The Brigade right now; he's looking out for himself," said the Meowing One of Mr. Mensa. Gee, do you think that had anything to do with your actually telling him that you were going to vote him out last week? Mr.Mensa is the only member of The Brigade who has ever accomplished any of its goals, so naturally, they turned on him.
Does Pussy Boy actually think that he, who has never won a competition except when dragged along by a team, Hayden, who won the first competition by being last, and one reward challenge by being dragged along by Brendon, and The Beast, who is - well - stupid, though perhaps not as stupid as Hayden, can function at all without Mr. Mensa, the only Brigade member with a brain?
Yes he does.
And could The Beast give his shirt to the Meowster? Having Pussy Boy wandering around shirtless, while the Beast stays fully-dressed is just so, so wrong. Why do they think I watch this zoo?
"I gotta good sense of character sometimes," said The Meowmeister to Bitchney when she asked whom he, Hayden, and The Beast wanted out. Oh please. He might have a good sense of characters. What he's not saying is that he knows Mr. Mensa is smarter than he is, and that scares him. Come to think of it, that moth is smarter than he is. Nominate Mothra.
Bitchney: "I pitched Matt the idea of potentially going up as a pawn this week, and he absolutely did not want to." She thought there was some chance in hell Mr. Mensa would be okay with it? Hello? And she "pitched the idea"? What? Is she proposing a TV series to CBS?
Pussy Boy: "I hope, for Britney's sake, that I don't go on the block." Yes, he doesn't want to go up for her sake, not his own. How noble and unselfish of him. He thinks only of others; never of himself. He thinks of others, and how to screw them over to his advantage. A word of warning to his customers as a real estate agent in Jersey: do not buy a house from this man.
Nomination Ceremony: Poor Bitchney could barely lift, let alone haul around the big nomination key thingee.
Brendan and Pussy Boy were nominated. Works for me. She tried to make it sound like it was only because Pussy Boy had never been on the block "But I absolutely adore you." Yes, like he adores bean dip.
Said Pussy Boy: "I'm gonna get dis veto, and den I'm gonna work my magic to get Matty up on de block."
I'm sure Mr. Mensa is quaking in his boots about the possibility of Pussy Boy winning the Power of Veto. Mothra has a better shot at winning the Veto. And then "work my magic"? What magic? Is he sure he didn't mean his magic marker?
Wednesday: Mr. Mensa: "Enzo and Brendon on the block, exactly how I wanted it, just how I planned, how I orchestrated. Ah, everything should be set, even if Brendon wins Veto, we'll be all good." The elderly phrase: "Famous Last Words" springs to mind. What is deadliest in both Big Brother and Survivor? Overconfidence.
Brendon retreated to the Have-Not room, crawled under the covers, put on a blindfold, and began talking to Boobiac, who isn't even there. The blindfold in bed makes everything clear. That's how he could "fall in love" with the shrill, insane bimbo; he wears a blindfold. If I wore a blindfold, coupled with earplugs and noseplugs, and then I died, I could stand to be around her as well.
"Lying whore," said Brendon to Pussy Boy, though, to my amazement, he wasn't still referring to Boobiac. But, to be fair, she wasn't that much of a liar.
Hayden was now set on backdooring Mr. Mensa. So The Brigade is now eating their own. I'll give them this: They've managed to keep their alliance a secret for it's whole run, but now they are turning on the only effective member of their team. And why? Because he's the only effective member of their team. They don't dare keep someone around who is demonstrably more intelligent, more effective, and scarier than they are, which means both Mr. Mensa, and Mothra.
The Beast was sent to issue The Brigade's orders to Bitchney, as she has a soft spot for him in her skull. Backdoor Mr. Mensa was the order. "Since Brendon's already the outcast in this house," said The Beast, "You can get rid of him anytime." That's a classic error. Brendon keeps winning Vetos. You can not "get rid of him anytime." And those "anytimes" are running out as we speed towards the end. If you can get rid of Brendon, you should.
After all, keeping him in the house is just staying between Boobiac and her man, and we've all heard her say over and over that "Nobody comes between me and my man!" Of course, if Brendon wins the Veto this week, he'll be the one keeping her away from her man. She needs him. If she doesn't pass on some of her bacteria soon, she'll rot on her feet.
(And unbeknownst to all, that double-eviction night awaits on Thursday.)
The Beast: "The game has started now." It started eight weeks ago. The Beast has finally noticed. Soon he will learn of other things that have started while he, mired in Texas, never noticed: indoor plumbing, the 21st Century, Civilization.
Power of Veto Competition: Only one player wasn't playing in the POV challenge, yet they still drew for three, rather than just drawing for who would sit out and host. Why? Anyway, Ragan was sitting out. Well, he's been out a long time.
This was called "The Big Brother Zoo," which is highly redundant, because it is always a zoo at the best of times. But the structure of the challenge seemed new to me. Ragan, as hostess, would offer prizes and punishments. Players would buzz in for them. Accepting a prize lost you points. Accepting a punishment, like say, being "Boobiac's Man," would gain you points. And the prizes were made more tempting by the game keeping secret who took them, so winning a prize wouldn't add to your back's target.
Brendon: "My strategy is to, essentially, take the most-punishment that any human can endure in this house." Ah, so that explains his attraction to Boobiac. It's his masochism. Of course, as a large moth, Mothra is exempt from the "any human" qualification, so it may still beat him. (Yes, I am desperate to find some explanation for his inexplicable devotion to that horrible woman.)
But will he take more punishment that his sentence did, as he brutally severed that poor infinitive by placing "essentially" one word after where it belonged? The man claims to be working for a doctorate. Did he receive no grammatical training at all in achieving his alleged Masters degree?
Back in the very first episode of this season, Hayden told us he that was "the most-competitive person you will ever meet." Of course, he never said he won competitions, merely that he is "the most-competitive person you will ever meet." Now he says: "Nobody can see what we're doing, so I might just nab some of these prizes, and nobody's gonna know about it." So his definition of being "competitive" is to play to lose. To Hayden, winning is for losers. Hayden, Mothra is more competitive than you are. Maybe that's why half the house was terrified of Mothra, but no one is afraid of you.
First punishment: taking a "chum bath" every hour for 24 hours. It turns out that this isn't bathing with a chum, which is how I chum bathe; it's bathing in the stuff Roy Scheider doled out to Bruce the Shark in Jaws. Brendon grabbed it. Well, of course. After sleeping with Boobiac for weeks, a mere chum bath will seem sanitary and pleasant by comparison.
Second punishment was to be handcuffed to another houseguest for 24 hours. Wait a minute. You get to choose to whom you are handcuffed. Is that a punishment? It's more like an old Hitchcock movie. (Actually, several old Hitchcock movies. He reused the gimmick. Hitch was kinky.) I wouldn't mind being paw-cuffed to The Beast for 24 hours. I could be his good right hand in the shower.
The Beast wants Mr. Mensa backdoored, yet he opted for the prize of a phone call from a loved one. Well, he's been curious about these newfangled telephone thingees for a long time now. They keep promising to bring telephone service to Texas, except they know that electricity is Satan's Lure. How surprised he'll be to find it doesn't involve a tin can and a long string.
The next punishment was being a Have-Not for the next three weeks. Wait a minute. What if the person who takes it isn't in the house for three more weeks, or even one more week? Will they continue to be a Have-Not in the Jury House? They better; otherwise, it's a cheat.
The next punishment was sexist. For guys it was to shave their head. But for a girl, aka, Bitchney, it was just to dye their hair pink for the rest of the summer. While being forced to have hair that looks like Boobiac's is a terrible fate, it should be all the same. I'd love to see Bitchney shave her head.
"I'm not shaving the hair; I like it too much," bellowed The Most-Competitive Person You Will Ever Meet. If he likes his hair so much, why doesn't he ever groom it, or treat it, or condition it, or do something with it? Going around 24 hour a day, seven days a week, all summer long, looking like you just got out of a swimming pool, your forehead a forest of ends more split than Brendon's infinitives, is not a good look. He could be a nice looking cro-magnon man if he'd just groom.
Pussy Boy managed to score the punishment of wearing a "penguin suit" for a week. Wait a minute. That's just a tuxedo. He'd look better. And with Pussy Boy as The Penguin, Batman could show up.
The Most-Competitive Person You Will Ever Meet gave up 11 points for an Hawaiian vacation. I'm beginning to see why The Most-Competitive Person You Will Ever Meet has never been in the Olympics. Those athletes compete to win. He's competing to lose. His idea of competing is "I can lose by more points that you can."
No one scored the Have-Not Pass for three weeks prize, although I'm sure emcee Ragan would have liked it.
They held a chalkboard silent auction for $5000. The Most-Competitive Person You Will Ever Meet lived up to his self-title on that one, giving up 25 points for it. He said: "That's more money than I've made in the past two years." So he's also The Most-Unemployed Person You Will Ever Meet. He should have leapt at the free hair cut. (And soon he'll be competing with negative points.)
The last punishment was giving away all their clothes except what they were wearing at that moment, to charity. Isn't that where Hayden acquired his clothes in the first place, given his self-proclaimed poverty?
Brendon "won" being handcuffed to a houseguest for 24 hours. He chose Bitchney. She should have gotten the points; she's the one being punished. This will really set off Boobiac when she learns of it. Plus, Bitchey's HOH, he's a Have-Not. Where will they sleep?
As Brendon sat for his head-shaving, Pussy Boy said: "Go for his throat," which is the first thing he's said to make me laugh all summer.
Pussy Boy also donated all his clothes for points. Well, I figure he originally acquired them when they "fell off a truck" (A Good-Will truck) in the first place.
But Brendon was just faster buzzing in for punishments than Pussy Boy, Bitchney, or Mr. Mensa, who were the only players trying to win at all. Brendon won the POV. Bitchney is Pissedney.
There was a guy's conference in the Have-Not room, where Pussy Boy decided that Mr. Mensa took all the prizes that Hayden actually took. The Beast manned up and confessed to taking the phone call, while Hayden sat there silent. Pussy Boy is forgetting that Mr. Mensa had a real stake in winning the Veto, and thus took no prizes. The Beast was dispatched to spy on Bitchney.
"[Matt] definitely won some s***, and he's sittin' dere lying 'bout it," said Pussy Boy to Hayden, who was sitting there lying about it.
The Beast told Bitchney that Hayden told him he didn't win the Hawaiian vacation. The Beast is actually so stupid, he thinks that means something.
The Beast: "My loyalty is straight with The Brigade." Except for Mr. Mensa. His loyalty is straight with three-quarters of the Brigade, but then, I doubt The Beast can do fractions.
Pandora's Box: Yet again, the HOH was offered a Pandora's Box choice. Uh, oh goodie?
The temptation was an advisory chat with a previous houseguest. Not worth it, Bitchney. Don't do it, Bitchney. Don't ... Doh!
Well, it was Jesse, or "Mr. Pectacular" as he called himself, the overwhelmingly egotistical body-building meatbrain we've had inflicted on us twice before, the man Narcissus called "overly self-involved." In fact, it's no longer called "narcissism." Both Webster's and Oxford's Dictionaries now defines it as "Jesseism."
Further, as an advisor, there is the small problem that he's dumber than a vacuum. You want advice from someone who's won, not some who has lost - twice! Big Brother, stop inflicting Jesse on us! He's not funny. He's not charming. And he needs to get a real job. This time, Pandora's Box unleashed a punishment on we viewers!
Even Bitchney realized she'd been screwed. He wasn't offering her advice on how to win, a subject of which he knows nothing. He was offering her advice on "how to look like me." Why would Bitchney, a petite, pretty blonde girl, want to look like Jesse, unless she's decided on pursuing a career in gay porn? Bad gay porn. The Diamond Power of Veto, he is not.
Does this mean something good will be unleashed on the house? Yes. While Bitchney was locked in a room with Jesse, the other houseguests, Have-Nots included, got an Hawaiian feast, and all got lei'ed. Does Jesse know he was officially categorized as a punishment?
Well, I tried to warn her. You all read that. At least after Jesse, being handcuffed to Brendon will seem like a holiday. He's an idiot, but at least he's in love with someone other than himself.
Plus, since Brendon has to take chum baths every hour, Bitchney gets to be handcuffed to him while he's stinking of rotted fish guts. It will be like being handcuffed to a better-looking version of Boobiac.
Bitchney gave me the best laugh I've had all season during her joint Diary Room session with Brendon. While he went on about how the chum didn't smell all that bad (He had been cuddling with Boobiac all summer, after all), Bitchney was silently mouthing "Help me" to the camera.
The Beast on Brendon's chumbaths: "Witnessing that was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life." He's from Texas. I believe him.
Well, the where-will-they-sleep question was answered; on a lounge outside by the chumtub, being awakened every hour. We've been having triple-digit heat in Studio City this week, so sleeping outside is fine. The temperature is still in the 80s at midnight, but it also means the chum is - ah - cooking.
Mr. Mensa tried throwing his bromantic partner Ragan under the bus as nominee rather than the obvious choice of Hayden (for whom the Hawaiian luau was merely a rehearsal for the ones he'll be having in Hawaii) out of loyalty to The Brigade! Hello? Menster, The Brigade has cut you loose, and is trying to assassinate you. Loyalty is a one-way street here.
I keep seeing comments here, over on EW.com, even on the Big Brother Diary Room Facebook page (Which casually slathers spoilers all over my News Wall every day, so I get zero suspense now, watching the show. Ah, BBDR Facebook pager person, how about "Click here if you want to know?", rather than spoiling the show for me every damn time I open Facebook?) to the effect that "Matt is a snake."Okay, he's made up a story that his wife has an imaginary bone disease. That's pretty low, but he's also still fighting for the very people conspiring to get rid of him. If he were the Diabolical Supergenius he keeps claiming to be, he'd be up there pushing for Hayden's nomination.
Mr. Mensa gave all The Birgade assignments to pressure Bitchney into nominating Ragan, with The Beast as point man. We are now seeing a Diobolical Superpatsy at work: Goldfinger asking James Bond to help him blow up Fort Knox.
Bitchney actually levied a death threat to The Beast if he's just playing her for a fool. Did you hear that, Bitchney's fiancé? "Do you think I have the brain power to do that? I can barely talk to you and lift," replied The Beast, an unrefutable argument.
Hayden and Pussy Boy also took turns pushing for Mr. Mensa's nomination. Pussy's Boy's reasons for nominating Mr. Mensa included: "There's no loyalty, man." Mr. Mensa is being loyal to Pussy Boy, The Beast, and Hayden, while they are all being utterly disloyal to him, and he has the nerve to accuse Mr. Mensa of no loyalty? Again I say to Jersey house-hunters, don't buy a house from Pussy Boy. He can not be trusted. And don't tell him what time you're driving a truckload of easily-fenced merchandise through a deserted neighborhood either.
And who was the one person defending Mr. Mensa? Ragan. Irony is running riot. Even Mothra fluttered by to terrify Bitchney into nominating Mr. Mensa.
Veto Ceremony: Mr. Mensa was nominated to replace Brendon on the block. Diamond Vetos are not forever. He actually marched into the ceremony believing that The Brigade had lobbied to save him. Diabolical Superpatsy.
And Mensie also left the meeting still believing The Brigade had lobbied for him. Bye, bye, Mr. Mensa. I'm imaginarily sorry for your wife's imaginary disease.
(Instantly after the show, there was promo for a fall CBS TV series titled Mike & Molly in which "Mike" said of his dad: "He fell in love with a prostitute." They're putting on a show based on Brendon and Boobiac's future kid?)
Thursday: Double Eviction Night. We're shoveling them out the door! So now it's revealed that Mr. Mensa deliberately threw the HOH competition last week. Okay, now he's moved from Diabolical Superpatsy down to Diabolical Superdope! Overconfidence always means bye, bye!
Mr. Mensa: "I gotta pull another rabbit out of my hat." Well actually, he's wearing a hoodie, and he's the only rodent in it. Mr. Mensa, when you threw the HOH challenge, you blew the game, and the only reason that MENSA isn't revoking your membership is that none of them will admit to watching Big Brother.
In a searing irony, Bitchney saw Mr. Mensa tossing Ragan under the bus (That poor bus. The people on it must be jittery as all hell. It's bad enough riding a bus in this triple-digit heat, without bumping over the bodies of Big Brother houseguests all over Studio City.) as his being untrustworthy and disloyal, whereas it was actually his being loyal to The Brigade, which was busy betraying him. It wasn't Mr. Mensa's being disloyal so much as his not being able to sort his actual friends, Ragan and Bitchney, from his fake friends, The Brigade.
There's no one left I can actually like, but let me rate the remaining Houseguests in the order that I dislike them, starting with the most-despised:
Pussy Boy, now The Penguin: I've disliked this useless, offensive mook from Day One, and my loathing only grows. Although allied, he is the ultimate floater, a male Kathy, never winning anything except the joy of being The Penguin. (I do love how his repulsive face looks perched above that silly huge red bow tie. Bow tie afficionado Ragan must be dying of envy.)
The Neadertal: Despite being the most-decorative chunk of male meat still in the house, his unfathomable passion for Boobiac, coupled with his erratic gameplay (good at physical competitions, lousy at human interactions), and whiny, passive-aggressive personality has lost me as a fan forever. And how does one like or respect someone "in love" with Boobiac?
Hayden: The Queen of Split Ends, the Diary Room shouter (America isn't deaf, you boob), The Most-Competitive Consistent-Loser You Will Ever Meet, with all the loyalty of Peter Lorre in The Maltese Falcon. A parasite, riding on Mr. Mensa's victories.
Bitchney: The spoiled little brat has grown on me, but not much. She can be funny, but she also turns weepy at the slightest personal setback. And she's about as deep as a sheet of tracing paper.
Ragan: He is by turns annoying, sweet, loyal, and yet The Saboteur, and his crying jags make me ill. Not at all as funny as he thinks he is. And he's still lying about what he does for a living.
The Beast: Actually better looking and better built than Brendon, but getting his shirt off of him seems a Herculean task. (Is he afraid if he removes his shirt, he'll forget how to put it back on again?) Why does he think he was cast? He is funny, he's relatively honest, and is usually the least-objectionable player, but whenever he opens his mouth to reveal glimpses of his life and favorite pastimes in Texas, the Mordor of America, he curdles my blood.
Mr. Mensa: How desperate am I when this egotistical little snake, who is still perpetuating the loathsome tactic of claiming his wife has an imaginary bone disease, which has spent all its coin anyway, is the player I dislike least? Up until last week's HOH, he was playing the best game, but he has miscalculated badly now, and we shall quickly be bidding him farewell.
Although Bitchney pretended to have no idea why Ragan wasn't talking to Mr. Mensa, it was clear to Mensie what had happened, She'd betrayed to Ragan his betrayal of Ragan. This is beginning to look like act two of The Lion in Winter; betrayals within betrayals. Mr. Mensa now knows he has no votes left at all. That rabbit in his hoodie is dead, and starting to smell like chum.
Sherlock Ragan finally assembled enough clues to work out the existence of The Brigade, although he doesn't get the bonus points until he works out what it's called, and how long it has been in effect. Well, it only took someone 8 weeks to notice. Kristen had suspected it, but Ragan finally sniffed it out. The irony here being that he's worked it out just as it has begun eating its own. All the straight guys except the Neandertal have excluded him to the girls, and the girls at this point is only Bitchney.
When Ragan told Mr. Mensa that he'd worked out the Brigade's existence, Mr. Mensa's ill-considered tactic was to continue lying to him, pretending it wasn't true. Coming clean to Ragan is his only hope of even one vote, though that is still too little too late.
Instead, Mensie thought The Brigade would keep him to help them defend themselves against Ragan. He actually thinks that The Beast and Hayden will vote out The Penguin and keep him. What our Diabolical Superpatsy is failing to grasp is that Hayden and The Beast, two remarkably stupid people, are far more afraid of Mr. Mensa's brain and playing skill than they are of The Penguin's ineptitude, while Ragan, as a gay man, is not considered a threat by these breeder boys. They should notice that Ragan outlasted all of them in two endurance challenges, and has won more challenges than Hayden, The Beast, and The Penguin combined. He's more of a threat than they realize, and their undervaluing him owing simply to his being gay and unmasculine is a classic error. That rabbit is just bones by now. They'd keep Mothra over Mr. Mensa.
There was a momentary shot of The Penguin eating a whole pickle, stabbed on a fork. Yuck. And this is a man who chose slop over bean dip? I begin to wonder just how terrible his mother's exalted cooking must be, because he has no taste.
Eviction #1: The Penguin began his don't-vote-me-out speech with greetings to "My beautiful wife Joyella." So "Wifey" has a name. He specified his "beautiful wife." Has he another, not so attractive Wifey? He also wasted some of our time wishing love to his baby, who is too young to understand speech. Frankly, if he really loved his daughter, he'd put her up for adoption, and save her from being raised by him.
In his speech, he promised to throw people under busses (I hope it's just a metaphor, but with this meatball, who knows?) and backstab. This is a way to get people to keep you? "Keep me in the house, and I'll get you."
"It is what it is; it's gonna be what it's gonna be. Dat's it." The Penguin can dish out gallons of verbiage without ever actually saying anything. How sad there's not a chance of his being voted out this round. Plus, he hasn't learned how to sit in a skirt. Thank heavens he was wearing boxers, because seated in his Penguin costume, we had a clearer beaver shot than of Britney Spears driving drunk. Fatal Distraction.
Mr. Mensa was dead meat, voted out unanimously, sucked out the jet window like poor old Auric Goldfinger. Thus ever to Diabolical Supergeniuses.
In his exit interview with The Chenbot, we had this amazing moment:
Mr. Mensa: "Britney was a no-show. Britney is an evil succubus. She was having nothing to do with me, no matter what."
The Chenbot: "Try and keep it clean, please."
Mr. Mensa: "No, that's a clean word."
The Chenbot: "Well, debateable."
No it's not. Great galloping unicorns, The Chenbot doesn't know what "succubus" means! The ignorant woman thinks it's a dirty word! Chenbot, get a friggin' education!
And the immense irony there is, a succubus is an evil, unnatural entity that sucks the life out of all around her. The Chenbot is a succubus herself, yet has no idea what the word means. I think this was my favorite moment all season, surpassing even the You Tube clips of The Beast enjoying himself in the shower: The Chenbot revealing an embarrassing hole in her own vocabulary. The CBS censors, on the whole a class of people renowned for their small-minded ignorance, knew better, because "succubus" didn't get bleeped.
What other clean words does The Chenbot think are dirty, I wonder: Fork? Clock? Sheet? Knob? Cocktail Peanuts? Frigate? Mothertrucker? William Shatner? She's a Diabolical Superninny.
Head of Household Competition: In describing the rules of this challenge, which involved finding two cards with the names "Rachel" and "Matt" on them, hidden in a vat of Styrofoam pellets, so luck was a huge factor, The Chenbot said: "Search for the names of these two houseguests in the packing penis at the end of your Lane."
Whoa there, Toilet Tongue! Chenbot, keep it clean! Get your mind off of Lane's well-packed penis. My mind was there first.
And her filthy tirade wasn't done yet. She told them the first person to "cock in the correct answer will be the new HOH, butt..." So all she talks about are "cocks in" and "ho's butts." Where was the bleeper now? First "succubus" is broadcast nationally, and then The Chenbot's ode to anal sex with The Beast. I'm shocked, shocked!
By a sheer lucky fluke, Hayden won. The way this challenge was designed, it was pure luck who would find the answers first, and luck was against Mr. "I know I'm going to be HOH next week" Brendon, his mouth having finally bounced its last check.
A good deal of the players returning to the house was bleeped out, so I can only assume that everyone was repeating "succubus" over and over. "I couldn't find any succubus names in those mother-succubus packing penises. Go succubus yourself."
(I wonder, is the bus they throw each other under the same one Bitchney is sucking?)
Nominations: Brendon thinks he's in The Brigade, only he doesn't know the name. If he doesn't know it's The Brigade, he's not in it. He was scrambling in the minute and a half they had to strategize for nominating Bitchney and Ragan. Heh, heh, heh.
Up went Brendon and Ragan. Hmmm. Which one do the straight boys trust less?
Power of Veto Competition: This was a quiz challenge based on remembering the exact chronology of events in the house, a bit tricky. I've sat here and painstakingly chronicled the whole season, and I got a few of these wrong.
They were outside. It was over 100 degrees outside there when this challenge was held. Why is The Beast still wearing a damn shirt? I'm starting to lose my patience with him.
On the first two, everyone got them right, though seeing them all choose the same answer I could only think how funny it would be it they were all eliminated.
The Penguin was eliminated first. All Gotham City was relieved.
Brendon went out next. He finally choked when he need to win. The instant he was told he was eliminated, the soundtrack blanked out, so I must assume he shouted out "Succubus of a bitch!"
Bitchney went next. Then Hayden and The Beast both blew the same question, and Ragan, on the block, won POV. Once again, he pulled through in the clutch, and saved himself. Once again, the remnants of The Brigade were unable to win a competition.
Veto Ceremony: Bitchney, assuming herself the replacement nominee, a safe assumption, went scurrying around securing votes, going first to The Penguin, whom she had nominated last week. The real test here was, would The Brigade live up to it's Number One Rule: "Bros before hos," or would they finally send The Neandertal off to the Jury Cave? She was fairly certain she had The Beast's vote, and she only needed two.
Ragan took himself off. Up went Bitchney.
Eviction #2:
"Trip no further, pretty sweeting:
Journeys end in lover's meeting."
- William Shakespeare. Twelfth Night, Act II, scene iii.
Bitchney used her speech to hurriedly assure her family and fiancé that she loved them. Brendon said: "What Britney said," so apparently he also loves Bitchney's family and fiancé.
The household knew better by now than to come between Boobiac and her man, and unanimously sent the Neandertal off to his "VIP Cocktail Succubus" in the Jury House. Good riddance, however much I'll miss his pecs.
"Guess who gets to eat now, and sleep in a real bed?" asked Brendon on his way out the door. I doubt anyone envied his departure, given that that bed would have Boobiac befouling it. They've thrown him under the succubus.
"Brains go out the window as soon as you walk through those doors," said Brendon of being in the Big Brother House. The evidence of all season would seem to support that statement.
The Chenbot's filthy mouth was still around for Brendon's exit interview though. "You played a great game. You really pulled it out." Mind out of his pants, Chenster. If Boobiac suspects you're trying to come between her and her man, it could get ugly. Well, uglier. The live audience applauded for Brendon pulling it out. Watch out, live audience. Boobiac may be watching.
Frankly, once the jury starts assembling, the exit interviews become less fun. No farewell messages. No Chenbot wising the evictees up to how they were played, and what lies they'd swallowed. That must wait for the finale reunion show.
Brendon said that Boobiac "didn't try to dance around and pretend to be something she's not." Hello? Along with doing a lot of dancing about, usually on the graves of her victims, she pretended to be intelligent, she pretended to be a "Scientist." She pretended not to be a whore or a succubus.
They ended it here, without even beginning a new Head of Household Challenge. But at last, Brendon is gone, while The Penguin and Mothra remain. I'm rooting for Mothra.
I'll be back on Monday with a recap of The Emmy Awards Show. Until then, Cheers darlings.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.