iOS app Android app More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Tallulah Morehead

Tallulah Morehead

Posted: August 13, 2010 06:43 PM

Sunday: I opened last week with Percy B. Shelley's Ozymandias, a poem about Louis B. Mayer, to try and get across the point that Rachel's, or Boobiac's, megalomaniacal power-crazedness last week was short-sighted, as her queendom would not endure. She didn't listen, and this week, the pendulum swung back out of her pit, and she beheld the devastation of her domain. I present: The Sorrows of Boobiac. This is a no-hankie, tear-dryer.

Head of Household Competition: We rejoin our competition, already in progress, the houseguests clinging to a spinning giant paint can while being splattered with gaily-colored effluvia, and bitch-slapped by a paint brush the size of my second husband. First one off is the only Have-Not for the week. This ensures that Bitchney will not drop off first. Last one off is the new HOH. This ensures that Bitchney will not drop off last.

Poor Bitchney. It's like all Big Brother ever thinks about is finding new ways to make her uncomfortable. "Oooooow!" she whined when struck by the giant foam paint brush. And then we had: "This paint was disgusting. It shot directly into my mouth. My whole face is covered, but there's this huge blob right over my mouth. It's sick!" Except for the word "paint," this is, word-for-word, exactly how she described her after-the-prom experience to her best girl bud the next day.

Kathy drives a hard bargain. Twelve minutes in, she loudly announced to the world: "I'm gonna take the Have-Not for everybody, okay?" Okay what? Did she think someone else would say, "No, no. I want to eat slop and sleep with the maggots." As she left the field she said: "We gotta deal. I will be the starver for the week." And...? A deal usually has two sides. I will be the Have-Not if you will not vote me out. A deal. Hers was, I will jump off and eat crap, and you can just let me. Ha! Outfoxed you again!

And she's still spinning her chronic challenge lameness as "strategy."

Lane, aka The Beast, with his huge, muscular body, was once again a lox at a physical challenge. He has big lovely muscles, but they don't seem to operate. "This is one hell of a bicep," he said, displaying a bicep that is, indeed, larger than my head.

Boobiac's tired-sounding, energy-free shout-outs to Brendan were starting to amuse me: "You got it Brendan, You're the best ever," because I realized that these were not just the exact same words she must say to him during sex, but the exact same, by rote, tone of voice she uses in bed as well.

Most of the houseguests had mocking versions of it for us. I liked The Beast's best: "You got it Brendan. You're way better than the rest of this scum up there with you." I imagine him saying just exactly that in bed to me, although I do not know why he's calling me Brendan.

The Meow Meow (I'm sorry, but continuing to call Enzo "The Pussy" would just cause confusion with Brendan, who is a pussy.) is the male Bitchney, only less funny. He bailed on a competition yet again. He doesn't need to win it. The Brigade will win it. He sees his alliance as his staff, or mob, there to do all the work while he does the ... um ... well, Mr.Mensa and Haydon do the "thinking." Just what is the Meow Meow's contribution to his alliance besides his vote? Oh, of course. He comes up with the nicknames! In that case, go ahead and jump off second. Your work is done.

Brendan's Empty Promises: "I'm gonna win HOH, and we'll be safe." Brendan's Empty Promises.

At 36 minutes in, Brendan's athleticism deserted him, and he fell off, while Ragan and Bitchney and Mr. Mensa, not remotely athletes, still rode on. At that moment, the game was over for one side of Brachel. The suspense would only be which one, and how would it play out.

Boobiac knew to move along: "Make sure you win POV," she snapped out, as his punishment assignment for losing HOH.

Brendan, shirtless and looking spectacular (his pecs have become much more defined since moving into the house. But who notices?) (me), whined back: "Don't say that." If, when he's coaching his high school swim team, one of his best swimmers lost a race, and he told him: "Never mind that now. Go win the next race," how would he react to his athlete whining back: "Don't say that"? Do his students call him "Coach Pussy" behind his back? In front of his back?

40 minutes in, Kathy yelled up to the people still competing: "This is when it gets hard." Thank you for that pointless, stupid observation. This started hard, and only gets harder.

Do The Beast's muscles function, or are they like the facade of Disneyland's Matterhorn, covering over, not a mountain of solid granite, but a hollow confection of steel, plaster, open air, and robot Yetis? When he plopped off the paint can, Bitchney was still up there. Bitchney! How can a man that built be less effective at a physical endurance contest than Bitchney? I'm not even sure she eats.

Bitchney did drop next, but still. Beast, when will your body start cashing the checks it writes?

Hayden got clumsy and fell off, and once again skinny little Ragan and Mr. Mensa were the last two in an endurance challenge. When Ragan finally went off after an hour and ten minutes, it was actually abandoning, as he realized that he'd rather Mr. Mensa handle the dirty work this week anyway. I think this was solid strategy. Boobiac was highly disappointed that Ragan lost, feeling, utterly without any sound reason, that Ragan wouldn't nominate her.

Oops. Turns out the reign of The Empress Caligulotta had term limits, they being "until Thursday." Brendan had tried and tried to get across to her that she'd be out of power one day, and all the people she'd been horrible to last week would want to get her. Now suddenly, she noticed it has happened.

"Heh, heh, heh," as the Crypt-Keeper says.

In The World of Boobiac, anything that happens is all about Boobiac, and any misfortune she suffers is worse than all the accumulated horrors of history. If you and she, side-by-side, suffered an identical misfortune, her suffering will be so much greater, and more profound than yours, that you would really just be like being tot'ly immachure if you so much as breathed that you weren't happy about what happened to you. Your feelings are like the lives of flies compared to the Giant Sequoia that are Boobiac's great passions.

All of which is to say that she's amazingly self-involved, over dramatic, and terminally insensitive.

Boobiac's first reaction to realizing that they were both going to go on the block was to shut down. Brendan was going up too, but his trouble is trivial next to hers: "Brendan just doesn't understand that by him not winning, it puts a bigger target on my back. It's not always all about him." When is it ever about him? It is always all about Boobiac.

Everyone was now so sick of the hollow let's-go-see-my-HOH-Room ritual, that all were parodying it as they did it, giving silly, over the top, Boobiac reactions, that were kind of funny, especially since Boobiac still can't see that it's not an affectionate lampooning.

Pandora's Box: Ah Pandora, such an exhibitionist. The Big Brother version of Pandora's Box always ("Always". This is the second time they've used this gimmick.) releases something good and something bad. No. In the original myth, only Evil came out of Pandora's box. But BB gives the HOH a bribe to tempt him, and then unleashes whatever they're unleashing on the rest of the house.

In this case, Mr. Mensa got "The Diamond Power of Veto," which essentially makes him next week's stealth HOH. The house gets a new saboteur, since the first worked out so well.

The nasty part is that Mr. Mensa can not tell anyone about the DPOV or it will lose its power. He'll have to come up with a lie. Last year, the odious Natalie, or Skankalie as she was known in this column, lied her way out of this predicament really poorly.

Mr. Mensa knew to get in front of the oncoming storm, but his lie, that he was offered a mystery prize which turned out to be the dollar card he'd already won, was so lame that even The Beast was doubting it.

When Brendan asked Boobiac if she thought Mr. Mensa had really won just one dollar, she said: "Yeah. Why would he lie about it?" Hello? This from a girl who wanted to avoid winning $5000 because of the target factor. (Though her fate this week was not due to that prize.)

Ragan decided that maybe the bad thing that was coming involved bringing someone back. This depressed Kathy and Hayden. These people are so bored, they're sitting around pointlessly inventing reasons to be scared or depressed gratuitously.

But it was something good for Ragan. He was offered to be the new saboteur for two weeks, for $20,000, but he's such a wishy-washy, scardy-cat, that he debated tiresomely on camera before finally yielding to the temptation. Yawn.

When Boobiac went to talk to Mr. Mensa about not getting nominated, Ragan was there. She told him to stay, and then called him Mr. Mensa's partner, which quickly grew into a gratuitous argument with Boobiac that was, for her, in all ways, counter-productive. "Have I been rude to you in any way?" she screamed at him rudely. She not only doesn't remember what she does to people after she does it, she doesn't notice it as she does it.

Soon the whole house was listening, as Brendan joined Boobiac to accuse Ragan and Mr.Mensa of being the new showmance. Mr. Mensa's description of it later in the Diary Room doesn't sound to me like the way to fight the charge of a married man in gay showmance: "I just kind of chilled there, with my hand down my pants." Most males learn by age five not to "chill" with their hands down their pants in company.

Well, the Saboteur, aka Ragan, pretending to be the villain in a Saw movie (I'm guessing. I've never subjected myself to one of those. I've seen the entire film works of Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald. That's all the torture porn one woman can stand.), popped up to bore, I mean terrify, everyone, first by letting them all know that it was back because Mr. Mensa had opened the box. Blabberlips!

Nominations: No suspense for Boobiac. She knew who was going up. So did everyone, even people who don't know what the show is. "Rachel and Brendan! Why? Because it's the easy thing to do. Matt's too much of a pansy to piss anyone off in the house. It's really, you know, getting old." Pansy? Is that word really coming back? And still with her belief in an all-male showmance.

In any event, they weren't nominated because it was "easy." They were nominated because they've systematically made everyone in the house hate them. I see in my mind's eye, casting all the way back to Rome in 41 AD, the Emperor Caligula being stabbed to death under the arena by his own guards, and with his dying breath saying: "Oh sure, assassinate Caligula, because that's the easy thing to do. You're all such pansies."

Boobiac sent us on our way with a particularly loony display of self-pity, delivered while sobbing: "I've fought for 35 days in a row..." like everyone else there, "...I feel like a lost puppy..." You look like a drowned slattern. Puppies are cute. "...I've fought so hard that I have to get another injection of Botox, because I have so many wrinkles right now," she said from within her unlined, granite face.

She has to get Botox injections! Has to. It's a medical necessity. Without it, she'll imagine she looks her real age. I remember how my great-great grandmother, when she crossed the prairie in a covered wagon 200 years ago, trying to raise 7 scrappy young'uns, she would get so stressed out, her face would turn to parchment. One year, the Botox shipment was attacked and carried off by beautiful, unlined, stress-free-appearing Sioux warriors. That winter, the Great Blizzard of 1816 left her terminally stressed-out, what with the starvation, the pellagra, and the cholera and all, and owing to that theft by them smooth pesky red varmits, Great-Great-Grandmammy never got her Botox, and died of a wrinkle. Great-Great-Grandpappy had spotted it, and said, "Yer turnin' right ugly there, Hezabeth Morehead. Tis the Lord's own Truth." and he shot her dead. A man could do that back then, especially if they didn't catch him.

Wednesday: Boobiac's grief at her nomination knew lamentations without bounds, or sense. Through racking sobs, she said: "How did I become the bad guy? There's six guys that live in this house, and I'm the bad guy?" No, you're the insufferable woman. You know, there were six guys living in that house last week also, yet somehow you decided Kristen, a simpleton who couldn't win a competition if they just named her the winner, was The Bad Guy. Boobiac, the fact is, you're horrible.

Brendan decided to cheer Boobiac up by going into the kitchen and trash-talking everyone. None of this campaign to stay in and charm their way into people's hearts for these two. Brendan, who allegedly has a master's degree, came up with this charming slam for Mr. Mensa: "Hope you like step-stools, midget." I don't even know what he means by that. Is he planning on visiting the Builder's Emporium in Munchkinland?

Boobiac attacked and murdered a salad, using the Norman Bates Cookbook. Bitchney decided to take Boobiac off, away from the cutlery, and talk her back down to this planet, before she did something that would make Mr. Mensa's widow a rich woman.

Boobiac: "For some reason, everybody in this house, from Day One, has wanted us to go home." For some reason. She is truly oblivious to how she comes across to other people, to how she treats people, and to the fact that only she is living in her private mind world, though Brendan is trying to get in for no explicable reason. She got all whiny and weepy, and ruined a perfectly good salad.

Then, in the Diary Room, during a full-on weeping and wailing crying jag, she loudly sobbed out: "I've wanted this so bad. And all I've wanted was to be here, and all I do everyday is to fight to stay." She must have seen the show before "wanting this so bad," so why didn't she notice that it consists not of a paid vacation, but of a grueling and stressful game that grinds you down from sheer boredom, quite apart from the non-stop social gameplay? It's like going on Survivor, and then complaining about the food and the accommodations.

And besides, how is her time in the house any different from everyone else's in there? Well, she at least has a hot guy poking her; that's more than the others have. Heck, not even Kristen has that, having gone home to the closed arms of the guy she betrayed behind.

The next challenge involved bowling, and the show set up a practice bowling alley in the yard. You may recall that it was a not dissimilar practice arrangement last summer that precipitated Chima's now-legendary melt-down. When it came time for Boobiac to take a turn, she ran off for another crying jag, for the sole purpose of getting attention and sympathy. Brendan dutifully padded along behind to cajole her back outside to practice, so she could make a real try at saving herself the next day. "I just don't have it in me any more," she blubbered to Brendan, though we knew that. They were both fully dressed. Having gotten the attention she craved, she went out and she and Brendan literally bowled all night long. Did it do any good?

Power of Veto Competition: Weird, frightening things can happen in a bowling alley. For example, Little Dougie's parents first met in a bowling alley. Let that be a warning to all!

Brendan's Empty Promises: Brendan to Meow Meow just before the POV competition began: "I mean you want to go through the charade? Hand the medal over right now." Brendan's Empty Promises.

Boobiac's Empty Cranium: "Like this is my house, and I want to stay in it." Boobster, if it was your house, you could. Boobiac's Empty Cranium.

So many houseguests were playing that they would have saved time by just picking who wasn't playing. Meow Meow got picked on Houseguest's Choice because of what a lame competitor he is. Plus Kathy was already picked.

The doorbell rang, and in came last season's Jeff & Jordumb. To their credit, CBS did heavily promote that they were going to be on, so you had plenty of warning to switch channels. Jeff still hasn't wised up. No one asked Jordumb the only question of interest to me: does she still have even a penny left of the prize money, or did it all go for those magic beans? Or, at the very least, has she learned to tell time yet? Well, perhaps with a few months of intense tutoring.

Everyone was very excited. Again, they must be so sick of each other by now that they'd be excited to see Osama Bin Ladin (He could color his beard day-glo orange, and claim to be Boobiac's twin brother.), but even so, it's just hard to imagine being excited to see Jordumb and Dumber. Remember. She can't tell time. She can't do simple arithmetic. She makes Sarah Palin sound educated.

Meow Meow was all set to give Jeff an official Brigade nickname. He came up with "Pretty Boy." He's a genius!

Jordumb suggested that the "news" that they're still a couple should make everybody cheer. Why? Unless she's been sterilized, it will still only mean another generation of excruciatingly stupid people. How is that cause for cheering?

Brendan's Awkwardly-Phrased, Qualifier-Heavy, Empty Promises: Brendan on the bowling challenge: "If ever there were a time that we might be able to do this, I think it might be now." Brendan's Awkwardly-Phrased, Qualifier-Heavy, Empty Promises.

Boobiac's Empty Cranium: Boobiac on the bowling challenge: "Right now, it's five against two. There is seven people playing in this veto today. This is the obstacle of a lifetime." Boobiac's Empty Cranium.

Boobiac went first. From how it was edited, she looked to have benefitted from her night of bowling, which is more than I can say about Little Dougie's mother, and knocked out 6 of 10 pins in her allotted 45 seconds. Then she chose Kathy to challenge, as I would, or you would, as she is the lamest competitor in the house. But she's a law person from Arkansas. What do you suppose she does in her spare time? It certainly isn't reading. No, it's apparently bowling.

At first Kathy performed as expected. She knocked down two, and then seemed to have trouble even finding the alley, let alone hit a pin. This went on for a while, but then she got her groove back, and ended up eliminating Boobiac by one, letting out a whoop of victory as she won the round.

Remember, on Boob World, everything is always about Boobiac! This could be nothing less than a despicable rubbing of The Great Tragedy of Boobiac's Loss, the Most Tragic Loss in History, exceeding even the burning of the library at Alexandria, in Boobiac's face. It in no way resembled Boobiac's ecstatic, I'm Queen of the World, over-celebrations of her victories, particularly the notorious "Floaters, better grab a life-vest." Those were the justified exhalations of Woman Victorious Over Evil, and all in good fun. Whereas, Kathy was clearly deliberately being viciously mean to Boobiac.

That, or maybe Boobiac's just a raving paranoid narcissist.

Here's Boobiac's version of her case: "Talk about play with integrity, and play with character and morals, and then you're gonna do that, when you knock me out when I'm at my lowest point against someone on the block that I love?" You mean like just exactly how you treated Kristen all last week? Just asking.

Brendan's Empty Promises: Brendan, Mighty Brendan, as he stepped up to the plate: "Now I have to win. There's like no question. I just don't want to let the pressure get to me." Brendan's Empty Promises:

As Brendan's time ran out with his only having knocked out three pins, which is truly pathetic - even if he'd never bowled before in his life, he ought to do better than that. It's not a terribly difficult game - Brendan let the pressure get to him, and he finally hurled a ball overhand that missed the alley by rather a lot, and only missed Jeff and Jordumb by a little. That ball could have hit and killed Jordumb, and those balls aren't free, you know. Is this the sort of good sportsmanship he teaches his young charges? Because he seems less like a high school teacher, and more like a high school pupil, at a "continuation" high school.

Boobiac was all compassion for her man: "First of all, why did you only get three? I don't understand how that even happened."

But Bitchney had the best line to describe the debacle: "He has the worst sportsmanship I have ever seen in my entire life, and I've played fifth grade basketball."

Brendan challenged Bitchney, thinking she'd be lame at the challenge. Whoops. She beat Brendan five to three, and all knew this meant the nominations would not change, no matter who won. The rest of the game was pretty much just for fun and bragging rights, and the players had fun, whooping it up, and enjoying both the game, and the knowledge that one of the lovers was going home, while Boobiac and Brendan sat and watched from deep within a modern tragedy that makes Medea look like a Neal Simon play, and I mean one of his early, funny ones.

How rude of other humans on the planet not to be wallowing in Brendan's and Boobiac's grief! Well, at least Boobiac's. Brendan's isn't as important because he's not her. Every bit of glee or fun the others were having was an insult aimed straight at their blameless hearts.

But we were entering Backwards World. Brendan was carrying on like any spoiled five year old would if his emotional development had been arrested at age one, and Boobiac was being the Voice of Reason and Class, trying to get him to stop being an jerk. "Just take it like a man," she said to him, oddly enough, just what Little Dougie imagines Brendan saying to him.

I expected Meow Meow finally to have found a challenge where he could excel. He's from Jersey. What else do they do there? Grand larceny, murder, and bowling. But while he scored an impressive 8, Bitchney pulled it out for a 9.

Ragan's excuse for doing lousy was "I was kind of blinded by the hotness of Jeff and Jordan." I was kind of blinded at that point by the fountain of projectile vomit that statement provoked from me. It came down to Bitchney vs Mr. Mensa. I'd have thought Bitchney might throw it, as then the onus for keeping Brachel on the block would fall on him not her, and she wouldn't have had to put up with Boobiac trying to wheedle her into taking her off the block. But Bitchney couldn't resist, and in the final round, bowled the challenge's only perfect 10.

Brendan weighed in from Camp Bitterness: "Everybody was having a grand old time. Laughing. Enjoying the game. For them to be so insensitive as to be so jovial and cajoling; it's kind like adding salt to the wound." Thus making it taste better. And whatever he thinks he means by "cajoling" in that sentence, it's not what the word means.

Under what they are doing now, Jeff told us of Jordumb: "She's finishing up school." So, she's finally getting that G.E.D., that 8th Grade G.E.D., I mean.

Having lost the POV, Boobiac's Plan B was now utterly insane. There is no reason whatever to do this. It can only increase the hatred of her in the house: "Even though I might have just lost the veto..." You did just lose the veto! There's no "might have" to it. "...I am definitely planning on confronting Kathy for disrespecting me during the competition. Why doesn't she just spit in my face while I'm down at my lowest point while she's at it?" Good question! Kathy, go spit on her.

So once back in the house, Boobiac was assaulting Kathy's ears with how her enjoying winning over Boobiac was insensitive, classless, rude, fattening, and probably Socialism. Kathy did a take up to the camera that would have done Jack Benny proud. As Boobiac raved over a minuscule imagined slight, Kathy refused to engage, and just walked out of the room. Ah, but Boobiac is not to be so easily discouraged, not when she hasn't even gotten to the part about how it was an attempt by Kathy to come between her and her man. She followed along behind her, letting the berating of Kathy follow her all over the house.

"I'm not going to apologize. And I beat you. End of story." You know, I'm no fan of Kathy, but good for her sticking to her, well guns isn't the right word, given how she's a cop, but to her refusal to apologize for beating Boobiac and enjoying it. No one is allowed to enjoy themselves while the Empress Caligulotta is unhappy! Off with their heads - Slowly!

"Way to have integrity and morals" Boobiac called senselessly after Kathy's back as she walked off again. I fail to see how integrity or morals are even involved, but in any event, this is still The Black Hole at the center of the Universe calling President Obama black.

Hayden tried pointing out that Boobiac had celebrated her wins, and had meanly and loudly rubbed everyone's noses in it the week before. Boobiac was having none of it. Boobiac winning is the Universe's Master Plan. Someone beating her is a tragedy that must provoke keening and lamentation. And the only thing Boobiac has a harder time doing than absorbing how clueless she herself is, is accepting that she herself has ever erred.

Ragan was offered some extremely lame prank suggestions by "America," in this case "America" apparently consisting entirely of 8 year olds. One suggested stealing Boobiac's hair extensions, another suggesting hiding "Stinky cheese" under Boobiac's bed. Did I say 8 year olds? I meant 5 year olds. And where are they going to find cheese that stinks worse than Boobiac?

At least he had the snap to select something that might impact the game, trying to turn Boobiac and Brendan against each other. As The Saboteur, he fibbed that Brendan was throwing competitions to advance past her in the game. Okay, they're stupid, but not that stupid. No one could have seen his tantrum after the POV competition and believed he was throwing contests. More lame "sabotage."

Uh-oh. The Saboteur is trying to come between her and her man, and nobody comes between her and her man!

But it had an unintended effect. Several people took it to mean that Boobiac was the Saboteur, and this was her trying to get Brendan evicted instead of her. "Good job, Britney," said Mr. Mensa of Bitchney's utterly inaccurate deduction.

But now came Boobiac's attempt to sway Bitchney to use the POV. And she had a powerful persuader, that $5000 she won the week before. She's allowed to use it as barter within the house, so she offered Bitchney $5000 to use the veto. It's a measure of how much Bitchney loathes Brachel that she'd pass up $5000 to keep one of them in, though she would also be aware of how deeply that would piss the other houseguests off. They would be annoyed if she took either of them off; if they found out she did so for a huge bribe, she would be toast.

In any event, cling to that $5000 Boobs. It's all you're gonna get.

Boobiac had a replacement nominee suggestion, a familiar one: "Kathy! And she needs to go." I believe the bathroom's free. Bitchney told Boobiac a hard fact, that Kathy would win the vote over either her or Brendan. Boobiac couldn't believe the whole house didn't want Kathy out. They all saw her disrespect Boobiac by enjoying herself. Way to have morals and integrity, whole house! The problem is, even if Kathy had "disrespected" Boobiac, no one would care. No one there respects her as it is.

But it is time for someone to go:

Now it's time to say goodbye,
To all our company.
R-A-C,
See you never again.
H-E-L,
Hell? It's where we're sending you!"

Brendan's Empty Promises: I really am going to try to keep you here. Brendan's Empty Promises.

Brendan wants to do something chivalrous, make himself look like a total, obnoxious jerk to save the skank he loves. I believe he can make himself look like a total, obnoxious jerk. That's easily within his range. But can he become dreadful enough to save Boobiac from a house full of people who are sick to death of her? Brendan's plan was simple, pull an "Andrew" at the Veto meeting.

Power of Veto Ceremony: In her speech, Boobiac asked Britney to use the POV on either her or Brendan, just use it, and she'll give her the $5000. Bitchney would be unwise to accept this offer in secret. To do it publically would be game suicide. They'd vote her out over the Saboteur.

But this was to be Brendan's moment, and he inhaled, and then tried to charm the Veto from Bitchney by insulting her as hard and as fast as he could. "You are a spoiled brat, and you are selfish." She didn't use the power of veto on him. Go figure.

That Brendan was throwing himself on his sword for Boobiac was so painfully obvious, I was shocked that it fooled everyone.

Thursday: Bitchney can not see through Brendan's obvious self-sacrifice. She's begun to show that she's a bit sharp, but once it gets personal, all she can focus on is that she was attacked. "Brendan. He's just a disgusting human being. He's a pansy. He is an idiot. Freakin' Spawn of Satan." You see Bitchness dear, if her were a "pansy" ("Pansy"? Really? What is this? 1930?), he wouldn't be in love, or whatever it is he's in, with Boobiac. He's not a pansy. He's a pussy. Keep it clear. I'll concede that he's an idiot, but I think Satan's Spawn would have bigger fish to fry than just embarrassing you on national TV.

Brendan: "If giving up half a million dollars for somebody you love makes you an idiot, then I guess I'm an idiot." Darling, it depends on whom it is you're loving. We're talking about Boobiac. Let me relieve you of your guesswork. You're an idiot. Not so much for abandoning the game. You're not giving up half a million dollars; you're giving up at most, two more weeks in the house. No way you'd make it to the end. And if you did, no one would vote you the money.

No, you're an idiot because you actually believe you're in love with Boobiac! Wake up! She's insane! She's wildly narcissistic. She's utterly paranoid. She's profoundly obnoxious and irritating. She has mood swings that could cause earthquakes. Thirty years from now she'll be kicking those giant boobs as she walks, the way I do with mine. And she would completely dominate you and control you for the rest of your life. If you get voted out that door, -- run!

Consider this, Brendan: is she sacrificing herself for you? Did that thought even flit across her mind? No. She was instantly on board with Brendan falling on his sword for her. "Okay, want me to hold it while you run at it?" That's how much she loves you Brendan; she's willing to allow you to sacrifice yourself for her.

Who else can't see through Brendan's obvious ploy? The Meow Meow. He had words to say about it, but The Beast had finally taken his shirt off, and I couldn't hear a word that was spoken.

Ragan announced to Mr. Mensa that "Brendan just dug his own grave," even though we finished with that overused metaphor two weeks back. What none of the housemates seem to be able to work out is that if they allow Brendan to goad them into voting him out:

1. Brendan will still be controlling what they've done, not themselves. And...

2. Boobiac will still be in the house with them next week.

Boobiac truly lives in her own world. As Ragan tried to explain to her basically what a pain in the ass she is to live with, she said: "I haven't attacked anyone." You know when she says stuff like that, just from another world, with no relationship to Reality at all, she's not actually lying. I think she believes in her imaginary recreations of history, and is genuinely puzzled when people insist on remembering the events they personally witnessed instead of remembering her made-up world. As Chico Marx said: "Who ya gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?" She's the only witch in a house full of muggles who can't see her magic world.

Brendan does seem to be leaving this world for Boobiac's also. He marched over all manly to cuss Ragan out for saying something to Boobiac that upset her, though he had no idea what was said. It was hard to follow at first, as more words were bleeped out than left in, but eventually we heard "You went from being her best friend to stabbing her in the back."

"How did I stab her in the back?" asked Ragan reasonably, since he has done no such thing, but I was more puzzled as to when he was ever her best friend, or her friend. Brendan, however, is convinced that the new power-couple showmance in the house is Ragan and Mr. Mensa. Ragan and Matt = Ratt! And since he suspects they are allies, they are. His inability to realize that the alliances he imagines are not real is exceeded only by his inability to see the alliance that is there, conniving at his imminent destruction: The Brigade. I wish we could see footage of him watching the shows after his expulsion, and seeing how spectacularly wrong he was about practically everything.

Great Lines: Ragan: "You're a neanderthal."

Brendan: "First of all, it's pronounced neandertal."

I am reminded of this classic old exchange:

Sir Noel Coward: "Zsa Zsa, come out here, you old whore."

Zsa Zsa Gabor: "Darling, I am not old!"

(Get well, Zsa Zsa darling. Oh, and I looked it up, both "neanderthal" and "neandertal" are acceptable pronunciations and variant spellings. You say "neanderthal," and I say "neandertal." Let's call the whole thing off.)

Up in Brigade Headquarters (I think a sign, hand-lettered by Spanky McFarland, reading Bregayed Head Quarterz hangs on the door.), double think was happening. Hayden, unsurprisingly, wants Boobiac gone. Brendan is making himself so hated, and his inabilty to win HOH so notorious, that he'd make an easy target next week, plus they'd be rid of Boobiac. Brendan's big sacrifice could fail not because people saw through it, but because they didn't.

The Saboteur was up at bat again. Will this "twist" ever amount to anything? The Saboteur hinted that a twist might be lurking where the expelled houseguest this week might not leave or might return. I can't see that this accomplishes much, but it at least stirred the pot a bit more than hiding a stinky bit of cheese under a bed would.

Well right off, it had one good effect. Boobiac bought it, and it cheered her all up, in a cruel fashion that will make the dashing of her dreams all the more bitter. Nice. "These houseguests tried to get between me and my man, and you don't get between me and my man." Darling, at this point, no one, not even I, wants to get between you and Brendan. You want each other? That's two other people who have just had narrow escapes they'll never even know of.

Oh they were evil over at CBS this week. They rounded up Brendan's bitter ex-fiancee and her family, all of whom had lived with him, to watch his showmance, and make catty comments. Who doesn't have an ex willing to go on TV and trash them? I am so grateful that all of my exes are dead. (Not by my hand. Well, not all by my hand, so far as I can remember. Why are you looking at me that way?) It was cruel, exploitative, petty, mean, -- and great TV.

And during it, as we watched Brendan and Boobiac argue over whether to live in Las Vegas, as she does, or near UCLA, while Brendan studies for his Doctorate in Pussiness, Boobiac reached down, found her core, and announced her true identity: "I am Vegas!" Well, hear me roar! And you know something else? She's right!

Brendan's ex-fiancee, and her identical-twin mother, may have Brendan figured out, but they're oblivious as to who Boobiac is. Ex-Fiancee said: "It's going to be all about him, so she has to be prepared to be emotionally drained."

Except that, with Boobiac, it's always all about her. She'll never notice his wants. He exists in her mind to serve her. He is pretty much identical in his attitude towards her. They won't last a month together in the real world.

And Boobiac is emotionally drained two to three times a day.

Ladies, look at the Brendan-Boobiac exchange that ended this segment:

Brendan: "I'm the luckiest guy on the planet."

This is her cue to say: "I'm even luckier. I got you," or some twaddle along those lines. But she replied: "I never get sick of hearing that." Well, it's an honest reply. And when he stops saying it, she'll take it up. "May I remind you that you are the luckiest guy on the planet. You got me, Buster."

"Rachel honey, have you seen my gun anywhere?"

Eviction Ceremony: Although Brendan's bitter, kick-me-out speech was not nearly as entertaining as Captain Kosher's was, it contained this gem: "I found out what it must have been like to have been a witch back in Salem during the 1600s, to be persecuted for really, just being who you are."

So the people executed as witches back in Salem (Brendan, you do know that witches aren't real, don't you? Don't you? Brendan, look at me. Don't you?), were being persecuted for really, just being who they were? They were hanged as witches. They were not witches. There are no witches. They were persecuted for being whom they weren't. They were persecuted for being something that isn't.

Over the last two weeks we've watched Bitchney cuddle with Boobiac, comfort Boobiac, sympathize with Boobiac, even take a bubble bath with Boobiac, while they discussed what a skank they thought Kristen was. So Bitchney's vote tonight, even after she seemed only to want Brendan's head on a platter, was, well, colorful: "I vote to evict Tequila vomit hundred dollar bills, Rachel." I don't even know how to punctuate that. Commas? Hyphens? Therapy?

The Brigade stuck to its Prime Directive: "Bros before Hos," and saved the guy. Boobiac was evicted in an unanimous vote. Brendan was tremendously beastly in the house the last few days, but it was too little, too late. Boobiac's extended reigns-of-terror-and-insanity were still worse, and fresh in memory. The Empress Caligulotta had to be assassinated. If Charles Dickens had written the scene in A tale of Two Boobies, she'd have been found with a dagger stuck through her cleavage, a note pierced by the blade, on which would be written in letters of blood: "Drive her fast to Vegas - Jacques."

Boobiac blamed her eviction on the house being scared of her as a competitor. It's true that the house had come to respect her as a competitor, but they kicked her out because they couldn't stand to stay in the same room with the Godawful, obnoxious woman a moment longer.

Chenbot, please watch where you place your overlong, what-do-I-say-next, pauses. You were asking Boobiac: "Why do you think Brendan's..." and you paused. Just as my brain finished the question as "...so stupidly infatuated with you when you're such an utterly charmless monstrosity?" you went and added the far-less-pertinent or fun finish: "...plan didn't work?" Okay, maybe that is a good question, if she's able to work out that the answer was: "They still hated me more."

She did actually pretty much come up with Hayden's rationale for keeping her, and then added that she was probably coming to Los Angeles. (Oh no! I may have to move. Los Angeles is too small a place to escape her braying laughter!) I was Vegas!

Mr. Mensa managed to let a sexist crack slip in his goodbye message: "Got a little bitchey and moody at times. I don't know if that's a female thing." Isn't he married? She must be so proud.

Bitchney got to do her Boobiac impression again, and this time, viewed less euphorically, Boobiac could see the mean-spiritedness of it.

Brendan told her that she was something that only comes along "once in ten million lifetimes." I hope so, because I'm only on my two million, five hundred thousand, seventy-fifth lifetime, so I have a long time to go now before I have to cringe at the sight, and worse, sound, of that woman again. Brendan, hide! She's going to find someone else long before you get out of the House anyway, even if you're kicked out next week.

Brendan added: "It's going to be harder for me now, because.." Never mind, Brendan. We know why it will be harder now. You have no one there to relieve its - ah - stress, although if you apologized to Ragan, he might be willing, but you may have burned that bridge too thoroughly.

Brendan's Empty Promises: He wasn't done, unfortunately: "Everyone that was mean to you, and targeted us for falling in love, I will take revenge upon, and I will get out of this game. I promise." Brendan's Empty Promises.

Actually, the last part: "I will get out of this game. I promise," that promise will get kept, probably quite soon.

Head of Household Competition: This was a very Survivor-esque challenge, untangling themselves through a complex rope maze. It looked like it could take hours, and they had only 8 minutes of show left. On Survivor they can cut to highlights, and speed it along, but this is a live show, and how long is people untangling ropes while feathers pointlessly drop on them going to be entertaining, and how can they be sure it will end in time?

They couldn't. It wasn't. How annoying. As we left, Brendan looked to be trying damned hard to win it, although I wouldn't be surprised if Ragan slipped through it in time. Remember, Ragan came in next to last at both of the endurance challenges.

But it's irrelevant. Let's say Brendan wins. So what? The Power of Diamond Veto would make his reign almost powerless. Matt is, if he so desires, the true HOH this week. It's like what they pulled on Chima last year, and we all remember what happened then. They're still cleaning up the blood. The dead are still unnumbered.

Thus endeth The Sorrows of Boobiac. Cheers darlings. And remember, no spoilers in the comments.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.