iOS app Android app More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Tallulah Morehead

Tallulah Morehead

Posted: July 23, 2010 07:38 AM

Big Brother 12: Waiting For Monet

What's Your Reaction:
Hyṕo`crite n. 1. One who plays a part; especially, one who, for the purpose of winning approbation of favor, puts on a fair outside seeming; one who feigns to be other and better than (s)he is.

2. Monet, a reality-show contestant and loser.

Sunday: When the show began Sunday, the houseguests had still not been told that they had accidentally evicted the Saboteur the first week. Enzo, aka "The Meow Meow," aka The Pussy, is still sexistly assuming the saboteur is male: "I guess de saboteur is back to his wack tactics. I don't know... We gotta find out who dis little rat is, so we can send him home."

Annie's last prank was to leave behind a stink bomb. All her sabotage seems to have been dreamed up by 7 year old boys.

Brendon fessed up about his education. Ragan and Andrew, aka "Captain Kosher" (a nickname he has embraced), are still smug about remaining in the closet about their own educations. When did being educated become a shameful secret in America? Oh right. During the Bush Administration.

The Pussy is totally intimidated by Brendon having an education: "He's like Superman with a PhD this guy, ya know? So I want him out." It's a measure of what a jerk The Pussy is that he's considers a man with a PhD to be Superman, and a threat. One wonders if he graduated from reform school, or just dropped out.

Captain Kosher was so excited by Rachel's, a.k.a. Boobiac's, win for some reason, that he hopped about so hard his "Yom Kippur" flew off. Hayden gave us a taste of what a college education for an athlete in Arizona achieves: "Andrew looked like a kid on Christmas -- or Hanukkah. Whatever." Classy all the way, Hayden.

I've noticed something about Britney's personality. She's a -- well -- let's just say it rhymes with "bitch." "We were so freakin' close, and we let some idiot, who wasn't even smart enough to put on pants before the competition, win." It wasn't a Pants-Wearing competition, and she put on her butt-blur.

They're captioning Monet as a "model." She's a student. I might add that she also rhymes with "Britney."

The Pussy hates that Boobiac won HOH, which is one of the good aspects of it. "The brigade just got hit wit' a grenade right now, and we're de ones that gives out de grenades, and we got hit with a big grenade today." Tough. Notice how all of The Pussy's imagery is crime and violence related? He's as ugly inside as he is on the outside.

I looked up The Pussy's bio on CBS.com. Asked for three words that describe him, he said: "Funny, likeable and obnoxious." Well, one out of three isn't bad. He's not remotely funny, and "likeable" and "obnoxious" are mutually-exclusive terms. You can't be both. (And would someone please tell that to Howie Mandel?)

"Britney and Monet were just so fake," said Brendon to the girl with giant bags of silicone in her bra and florescent hair.

"I get to call the shots," said Boobiac, although I think she believes that means "Jello-shots."

"Brendon, Rachel, and Andrew are in an alliance," announced The Pussy. As with Annie last week, if someone appears to like someone he doesn't, then they are in an alliance, and having jumped to this conclusion, he takes it as fact. Fact-checking isn't something he bothers with.

Matt had a funny, honest line when Boobiac started screeching "Who wants to see my HOH room?" "Oh, HOH time, my favorite! That's the time I get to act like I care about things that I don't care about." He's just defined "dating" for every straight man on earth.

In her room was a sash that proclaimed her "Ms Planet Beach Nevada." If I'd known she was a former Ms Planet Beach Nevada, I'd have been more impressed with her. It's the most-coveted title in all of Planet Beach, Nevada.

Monet is cattier than a pride of lions: "Rachel had this boa in her room that she said was from her showgirl days, a. k., in my words, probably stripper days." The wrong player is calling themself: "Meow Meow." Monet was too glottally lazy to actually say "a.k.a.," and only said "a. k." Monet is listed as a "model," a.k.a., in my words, probably "whore."

Britney is now in a pitched battle with Monet for who could be the bigger rhymes-with-bitch: "Her room was stupid. And then she holds up her bottle of Tequila, like she just won the half million dollar grand prize." Jealous? Darling, it's a bottle of Tequila! It's worth more than the prize! If I know anything (and there is debate on that point), it's that Tequila will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no Tequila!

On Britney's web-bio, she said her strategy for winning was "pretending to be nice." I see she's already abandoned that plan. Asked what types of people would she not choose to live with in the house, she answered: "Egomaniacs and old people." Speaking as an elderly egomaniac myself: Britney, F- You! What types of people would I not choose to live with me in the house? Bleached blond bitches.

Britney also said online: "I'm a good mix of Chelsea Handler and Martha Stewart." Chelsea should sue her.

Lane, a.k.a. "The Beast," on Boobiac: "All she has are a key and pictures. That's all she got." Pay closer attention; she also got Tequila!

Wait! Did a housebreaker manage to get in? Oh no. It's Kristen, who hasn't had any screen time since the opening show. But she wandered onscreen long enough for Hayden to notice her birthmark, and for her to say of birthmarks: "It's a place where you were stabbed in your previous life." Maybe it's just as well if she's not given airtime, if that's the level of airhead she is. Suddenly Boobiac seems like a genius.

Hayden finds Kristen hot. He's attracted to women who are dumber than he is, and there's not many of those in the world. He called her "mysterious." Apparently she gets no airtime in the house itself either.

Kristen thinks she's "complicated." She's about as complicated as the plot of an episode of Sesame Street.

There's a second "Brigade" alliance in the house: Monet and Britney are The Bitch Brigade. They decided to rag on Captain Kosher. Said Britney: "I feel like, for somebody who has a lackluster physique, he goes around showing his a lot."

A. She goes around showing her lackluster physique a lot too.

B. There's nothing wrong with The Captain's physique. In fact, it's rather nice, not as showy as Brendon's, or as huge as The Beast's, but a billion times hotter than The Pussy, or Matt. I'm beginning to suspect that Bitchney has a policy of "No shirt, no foreskin, no service."

Chimed in Monet: "I think I might have better abs than he has." Monet darling,...

A. Just because you're hung larger, doesn't make your abs better, and...

B. No, you don't.

"I think we make an awesome pair," said Bitchney of The Bitch Brigade, as she complained about everyone in the house who isn't her. Five more minutes of Bitchney, and I'll want Chima back.

Hayden remembered to play the game. He was up in the HOH room, kissing Boobiac's butt, which must be a nice change for her. Fortunately Boobiac was plotting against the Bitch Brigade, and Hayden was more than ready to throw Bitchney under a bus. Come to think of it, I'd like to throw Bitchney under a bus myself, and I don't mean that metaphorically.

Boobiac offered to pull Hayden into an alliance with her, Brendon, and Kristen, and he turned her down, unwittingly undoing all his butt-kissing work.

While working Boobiac, and trying to aim her at Captain Kosher, Matt, the self-proclaimed MENSA member, said: "It paranoided me out." Paranoided? How did he get into MENSA with English like that? Matt's attempts, like Hayden's, backfired. Instead of making her antsy about The Captain, it got her all paranoided out about Matt.

Maybe Monet is right about Boobiac having been a stripper, because the way this cocktail waitress serves Tequila to Brendon is with a lap dance.

Food Comeptition: This contest was "hood" themed, a choice in rather questionable taste, given that there are no black or Hispanic people in the house this year, so it appears like these 12 white people are mocking minorities. "Diversity" this year is a Jewish guy, a gay guy, and an aspiring Mafia don. In fact, calling the competition "hood-themed" ran the danger of The Pussy thinking they meant "hoods," and he was probably hoping to hijack a truck.

Boobiac is so "ghetto." Observing the fake graffiti all over the contest paraphernalia, she said: "I felt like I was in the middle of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." Yes, Bel-Air is just covered in graffiti, and Will Smith is so "Gangsta."

Not that Kathy is any hipper, but she's older, so her inane comment was: "This is like Sanford and Son." I strongly suspect she was the only person there who knew what the hell she was talking about. Most of these people were born after Redd Foxx died.

The competition was for each of three teams to bind a team member to a wall with duct tape. Then the wall would rise, and the team whose member stayed on the wall longest would win, and in a twist that could make losers of the winners, the winning team would choose who the have-nots for the week would be, thus making more enemies. They would get to spray "paint" (colored slime) at their opponents, to wash them off the wall.

Clearly the green team had an advantage, because The Pussy undoubtedly has experience tying people to stuff. Logic demanded that the lightest person on each team should be the one tied up. The orange team knew to use Kathy since, after her wretched performances in the earlier competitions, this was the surest way to prevent her from screwing this one up too.

Kathy was worried about "the heith and everything." I have no idea what "heith" is. Sadly, when the green team taped up Bitchney, they didn't cover her nose and mouth.

Taped to the wall, Ragan said: "This is just a Saturday night to me, guys." On behalf of the Gay Community, thanks for the image boost, Ragan. He was so poorly taped up that he fell first, without anyone even trying to spray him down. "Good Job, Ragan," Boobiac shouted at the first to lose. No, that was a lousy job. A good job would be the winner.

Bitchney, of course, bitched about the fact that people were spraying her. "Shooting at my face is personal." No, it's them trying to win. Now shooting at her face with a gun would be personal, and a darn good idea. "It pissed me off." Does anything not piss her off? Anyway, Bitchney had a snit, and started yelling that she couldn't breathe, although...

A. Then she wouldn't be able to yell, would she? And...

B. The downside to her not being able to breathe would be...?

So Kathy, perpetual screw-up, won. It may have been The Pussy's fault. He's not used to tying people up intending them to survive.

The winning team chose Brendon, The Pussy and the Bitch Brigade to be Have-Nots. Of course, Bitchney had to bitch about it: "Are you serious? I'm a Have-Not? I just hung on a wall, strapped to it, for a freakin' hour, choking to death [If only!], water sprayed in my face non-stop, and then, when I finally get down, I'm a Have-Not?" Yes dear. If you wanted to win it, you should have stayed up there and won it! Ragan fell off because his team did a lousy job taping him up, but she lost because she demanded to be taken down.

At least she won't be eating slop. America chose fruitcake and fish sticks for the Have-Not menu for the week. Fruitcake is one of the worst foods in existence. Does anyone on earth like fruitcake? Why do people relentlessly give them as Christmas gifts? They're an anti-gift. I've lost count of how many gift fruitcakes I've tossed, unsampled, into the garbage each December over the years. However, I like fish sticks. So does The Pussy. Who hates them, and referred to the menu as "Vomit my face off"? Yes, it was charming, loveable Bitchney.

Annie appeared on the screen to reveal her identity as the Lame-oteur, I mean Saboteur. As she was saying how shocked they must be, the houseguests were all cheering that she was gone. Okay, The Beast looked shocked, but I get the feeling that he gets shocked when the sun sets in the west every single day. ("Why doesn't it set in the north once in a while?")

The Pussy can retrofit Reality at an amazing pace: "Me being from Jersey, I sniffed out de trick inside dis girl. I knew it. She couldn't get past de Meow Meow." He's forgotten that, at the top of the show, after Annie had left, he had said: "I guess de saboteur is back to his wack tactics. I don't know... We gotta find out who dis little rat is, so we can send him home." He thought The Saboteur was still there, and male. His utterly-unjustified ego and Truth are unacquainted. (And I've been to New Jersey, which is to say, I've smelt New Jersey, and living 32 years in that stench would leave one unable to sniff out anything.)

As nominations approached, the butt-kissing began in earnest. First up was Bitchney. Said Boobiac to Bitchney: "I think you're a nice girl," thus proving that she is no judge of character. Bitchney lied that, had she won HOH, she would never have put up Brendon and Boobiac, then told us she was lying, like we didn't already know that. She was speaking, after all. Bitchney was trying to aim Boobiac at Captain Kosher.

Then the second member of the Bitch Brigade, Monet, arrived for some high-powered lies and hypocrisy. Monet again tried aiming her at The Captain. Boobiac was starting to buy it, as well as growing in her distrust of Matt.

Brendon participated in the conference with Hayden, trying still to form an alliance, completely oblivious to the existence of The Brigade, which had, and was still, targeting them.

Nominations: Everyone concealed their shock rather well when Brendon was revealed to be safe from nomination. When The Captain was revealed as safe, he thanked Boobiac in Hebrew. Culturally-sensitive Monet rolled her eyes. God, more of his stupid Jew stuff, you could hear her thinking, if "thinking" is the right word for what goes on in Monet's head. If she has a socially-redeeming characteristic, it hasn't shown itself yet.

To my utter delight, the Bitch Brigade was nominated. Boobiac may not be as dumb as she sounds after all.

Bitchney, after spewing nasty venom and spoiled entitlement at everyone but Monet for the whole show, now got all weepy. Her tears were like fine wine to me. I so hope she goes, although Monet's win of $10,000 in the very first competition paints a larger target on her. Bitchney may have to try to fake liking people for a week, and she has no experience at it. "I'm pre-menstrual," she overshared with us, grabbing always for excuses.

Wednesday: After nominations, the Bitch Brigade went off to have a crying-and-self-pity wallow. They just hate when other people treat them the way they treat other people. Their tears were like jewels to me. Oh boo-hoo, you two.

Monet has a barely-repressed violent streak. She expressed a desire to punch Boobiac in the face (that would take really long arms to get past her boobs), and then to slap her. Sweet Louie B. Mayer, these two women are insufferable. Is there any way both could get voted out this week? No? Rats!

Bitchney: "It was hard because I felt like I was nice to her." How does sitting around with Monet making snide, snarky insults about her constitute "being nice"? She hasn't stabbed her (yet); that's the full extent of her being "nice." Monet, equally delusional and amnesiacal, said: "I have never said one bad thing about her." So "Rachel had this boa in her room that she said was from her showgirl days, a. k., in my words, probably stripper days" was a compliment?

"She's a stupid hooker," added Monet, laying on the praise. You see, Monet thinks she herself is a smart hooker.

Boobiac must have led a sheltered life. She said, as she listened to Bitchney blubber with self-pity (the only emotion that could ever provoke Bitchney's tears): "It's the worst feeling ever, knowing that you made that person cry." Actually, having your face slowly burned off your head with a blowtorch is the worst feeling ever. And losing an Oscar to Greer Garson is no picnic either.

Denying her being in an alliance (except that she is allied with Monet), Bitchney said: "I literally have not went to a single person." I might add that she literally has not went to school, either. She added, "I swear that on my engagement." Well, then it must be true. I wonder who the poor sap is whom she's going to have went to the alter with. (In Bitchney's illiterate honor, I've ended that sentence in a preposition.)

Blonde, probably Aryan, Bitchney, took a page from the Third Reich playbook, and began campaigning to get Boobiac to toss out Captain Kosher. Himmler Rule Number 1: "When goats must be scaped, get the Jew!"

After Bitchney left, to go warm up the ovens, Boobiac now began blubbering to Brendon about how bad it made her feel to make Bitchney cry. Brendon tried cheering her up by lying on top of her and making out with her. Hey Brendon, I'm crying into my beer right now. Come cheer me up! Then Brendon said: "This is hard." Well given how he was lying on her, Boobiac could probably feel that for herself.

Boobiac can be guilted out pretty darn easily. Man up girl. "This is why I like you," said Brendon. Well yes, this, and her boobs.

The Bitch Brigade, sans tears, met outside to say "nice" things about Boobiac. Bitchney: "Rachel is like so jealous of you that it's sickening." Something there is sickening, but Boobiac is hardly jealous of Monet. Oh, how I wish I were a skinny, mean bitch that the men all avoid has not been her refrain.

But Monet has reasoned it out: "She's jealous of me because I don't look like a skanky-ass, bimbo stripper." I'm glad that Monet never says any "bad things about her." Monet is proud of her straight-forwardness. "I'm the type of person, I don't like you, I will tell you straight to your face, 'I don't like you'," said Monet behind Boobiac's back, keeping her voice down so she couldn't be overheard. So Monet, get up off your skinny, bimbo skanky-butt and go tell Boobiac to her face that you don't like her. Put your money where your mouth is. We're waiting... Anytime now... Still waiting.... Gidot has been here and gone again, and we're still waiting for Monet to actually behave the way she says she does.

"I don't usually just hang out with whores, like, for fun," added Bitchney, laying on the charm with a trowel. So why do you hang out with whores, Bitchney? Medical research? No one else will associate with you? "Every time she wears a skirt, I feel like STDs have gone airborne." Well then, Bitchney, they wouldn't be STDs, would they? The "ST" stands for "sexually-transmitted." If they can go airborne, they're not being sexually transmitted, and thus are not STDs. Apparently she never has went to biology class, as well as English.

Monet re-insisted that Boobiac is a stripper (and hopes she loses her job. Such charm.), while Bitchney told her Boobiac's a chemist. Actually, she's a waitress. These two will make terrible mothers when the day finally comes that they both have their first litters of puppies.

Matt took a page from Johnny Fairplay's playbook, he who told everyone on Survivor that his grandmother had just died, when Granny was home, alive and well, and cutting him out of the will. Matt's strategy was to tell people that his wife has a rare bone disease. Would anyone wonder why you would spend three months sequestered in the Big Brother House when your wife is seriously ill? Would Captain Kosher notice Matt was grinning smugly as he described his wife's hideous imaginary ailment, which is not generally how men with wives who are gravely ill behave (unless they hate them, that is.)? Short of telling everyone you have a dying child, this is about as vile a tactic as you can pull. Once again, Mr. Mensa is out to make America hate him.

Anyway, Matt assured us his wife has no diseases at all. Maybe not, but she has terminally bad taste in men.

As he described how his wife's options basically consist of die or amputate her legs, he was still grinning, and repressing giggles. Does it occur to Mr. Mensa that if he were telling the truth, this would upset him, and he'd show some sad emotions, not smugness? It didn't occur to Bitchney, but then Bitchney would never understand someone caring about someone other than themself at all. Ragan bought the lie, lock stock, and amputation. What a fool.

"Andrew's a shoe salesman; he's not a doctor, so I think I can probably outsmart a shoe salesman," said Mr. Mensa of Captain Kosher the doctor. It hasn't occurred to Mr. Mensa that he's not the only one in the house who is lying. Captain Kosher sniffed out the lie, which means the "shoe salesman" just outsmarted Mr. Mensa.

Power of Veto Competition: Playing with Boobiac, Bitchney, and Monet, were Brendon, The Beast, and The Pussy. The competition was Wall Street-themed, appropriate given how Congress has just passed some Wall Street reforms that the Republicans would have us all believe were written by Chairman Mao. It was built around stocks, both stocks as in bonds, and stocks as in pillories. They were to lock themselves in pillories painted like big dollar bills.

The contest was about timing. They could release themselves at any time, but the one who stayed in closest to a whole hour, without going over an hour, would win. I'm not sure any of these contestants, except perhaps Brendon, can even tell time. Good competition idea, however irrelevant the theming was.

Monet displayed her amazing ability to do math in her head: "Okay, 60 times 60. 1200." Ah, 60 x 60 = 3600. While Bitchney wasn't wenting to English and biology classes, Monet wasn't wenting to math.

And there was a sublime extra twist. A small device was turned on that constantly slapped their faces with fake dollar bills; not enough to hurt them - unfortunately -- but enough to annoy them, play hell with their concentration, and slowly affect them like Chinese water torture. Plus, it meant that I got to watch the Bitch Brigade spend an hour being bitch-slapped. That's entertainment. I want to personally thank whichever staffer came up with that twist. He or she should get an Emmy.

"I would never wipe my face with a real dollar bill," said Bitchney, as though it was a common practice among other people, you know, them, "most of those, let's face it, come out of stripper's G-strings." While this would actually be an incentive to a lot of men to rub them all over their faces, still, so debased is Bitchney's perverted world-view, she actually thinks that the entire supply of United States currency passes through the undies of strippers, when really, only money paid to Republican members of Congress does. And the tips are usually more than a single dollar -- so I'm told, that is.

And then the slapping stopped. No, no. Keep it going. In fact, keep it going until the show ends in September.

It was a blazing hot day, and The Pussy was getting a nasty sunburn under his sparse hair plugs. The man needs to mix sunblock in with his haircream.

We got quite a glimpse into The Beast's life when he told us: "There has been times, it's been fuzzy, back in college, where I have woken up with one hand tied, but, I don't know how long I was tied for." So it might have been a week? A month? Since he was 4 years old? I can top that. I once woke up and found I myself tied, in matrimony, to Boris Karloff! But I was shocked by The Beast's confession. He went to college? I'd have bet the house that he didn't even have a GED.

Bitchney dropped out first, because it was "a billion degrees out." Wow! It's only about 10,000 degrees on the surface of the Sun. So, in Studio City, just five miles from my home, a few days ago, it was 100,000 times hotter than the sun! That would have vaporized the earth. No wonder Bitchney gave up.

The Pussy lived up to his name, and went next. Then The Beast went out. Brendon dropped out at what he calculated was 55 minutes, hoping it would keep Monet in until after the hour passed.

"Rachel's a bitch" said Monet the bitch, "I really wanted to throw my briefcase at her face." Monet has more violent impulses than The Pussy, and he idolizes the Mafia. She was annoyed that Boobiac was playing to win. When Monet dropped out, Boobiac went out one second later.

The laugh was on Monet. She dropped out 15 minutes overtime. She'd spent a pointless quarter of an hour in the stocks, in billion degree heat. Love it.

Brendon also went overtime, but only by 6 minutes.

The Beast went over, but only by a minute and a half. Somewhere under his clothes, that gorgeous man must have a huge clock. I said clock, with an "L".

But disaster fell. Ruination. The Pussy had dropped out 14 seconds overtime! If he'd only pussied out 15 seconds earlier, he'd have won. Instead, Bitchney won power of veto, and there is no way that evil little poison pill is going home this week. Drat! I hate when Evil triumphs.

I did like The Pussy's manner of measuring time. "14 seconds man, I came so close. Dat's like one quickie with de wifie." I was deeply moved by this expression of his romantic passion for the mother of his child. And I was impressed. I wouldn't have thought he could sustain sex to the five second mark. He probably thinks about baseball players to last for a superhuman 14 seconds.

Bitchney smiling, grinning, overwhelmingly smug. No, no! I vastly prefer to see her sobbing in misery, the way I now am.

"The Brigade truck just blew another tire. We're out of gas right now," said The Beast, showing by his ill-chosen metaphor that he still doesn't know what "brigade" means. But wow, blew a tire and they're out of gas? Bitchney winning must be too terrible for just one automotive inconvenience. And I'll bet he hasn't got his AAA card with him either.

Bitchney lied to Monet, telling her she "felt like crap" (smells like it also) for winning and saving herself. Not even Monet was stupid enough to think Bitchney was anything but jubilant.

To save Monet, Bitchney returned to her default Final Solution: Get the Jew. She was going to try to get Boobiac to nominate Captain Kosher, in her sure and certain belief that the whole house would automatically get the Jew. After all, back home in Arkansas, where Bitchney hails from, they'd scared off or lynched all them fancy Jews years ago. Heavens, what is the KKK for, if not to ensure that the Confederacy remains racially pure, and 100% Christian?

Monet went scurrying up to the HOH room, like a rat up a rhododendron. Was this to finally make good on her boast that she tells people to their faces that she doesn't like them? No. We're still waiting for that. It was to express to Boobiac her bewilderment at why this woman she considers a "skanky-ass bimbo stripper" wants her out, and to try to convince her to get the Jew instead. Never mind that Captain Kosher is pleasant, friendly, smart, and attractive, while Monet is a nasty, vicious piece of work, who never ceases calling Boobiac names behind her back.

There is, in fact, for Boobiac, no motivation for nominating The Captain strategically, and Boobiac lacks The Bitch Brigade's knee-jerk, default anti-Semitism. Sadly for the bitches, Boobiac isn't a bigot.

Monet told Boobiac that if she nominated The Captain, she and Bitchney would not come after her. "And I can say that with confidence." That would be confidence as in "Confidence Grifter," because it's a conscious lie.

Monet: "I feel like, if you put Andrew up, no one would be pissed off."

Boobiac: "Except Andrew."

Monet, giggling in her ugly, nasty manner: "But he doesn't matter. He he he."

Springtime for Hitler in Studio City.

Boobiac to us: "If I put up Andrew, it's a win-win. If Andrew stays the house, then Britney can't be mad at me because I did what she asked. If Andrew leaves, then I have Britney and Monet's trust, so they're not going to come straight after me." Is Boobiac truly stupid enough to believe this? Yes.

So Boobiac tried floating to Mr. Mensa and Ragan, the idea of putting up The Captain, but getting them to pledge to vote out Monet. Boobiac thinks that promises from other players are worth something. Mr. Mensa and Ragan are both lying to everyone, Mr. M about his wife's imaginary illness, and Ragan pretending he's a student instead of a professor. Their promises are valueless.

Did MENSA vet Mr. Mensa's application carefully? He volunteered to go on the block! He told us it was a win-win situation (Lot of them floating about, although they all sound like lose-lose situations to me), because he'd get the loyalty of Boobiac and Brendon, and would be, he thinks, the "Hero of The Brigade." Okay.

So Mr. Mensa wants to go up. The Brigade thinks it's a good idea. Brendon is all for it. Any opposed? Yes. Boobiac still wants to put up Captain Kosher. Why? Because she's convinced, wholly inaccurately, that she'd get the loyalty of the Bitch Brigade, who hate her, and consider her a skanky-ass bimbo, stripper-whore.

Brendon finally grew exasperated with trying to penetrate Boobiac's thick skull (along with certain other anatomical features) with the facts that Captain Kosher is an ally, and that the Bitch Brigade are not, and never will be, allies, and that they should take Mr. Mensa up on his insane offer. Is she impervious to reason? Or will she nominate Mr. Mensa rather than risk losing Brendon, who went off to sulk? She sobbed under her lonely blanket.

Veto Meeting: "I genuinely like everyone in this room," said Boobiac, causing Monet to roll her eyes. Charming, classy woman, that Monet, if you like bitchy, hypocritical skanks.

The power of Brendon's penis triumphed. Boobiac nominated Mr. Mensa, rather than risk losing her man. Make no mistake, it wasn't that the truth of what lying, vicious harpies the Bitch Brigade are that convinced her; it was Brendon walking out on her. Sex saves the day once again. I almost expected Bitchney to leap to her feet, sputtering, "But you're letting the Jew get away! He killed Jesus!"

Mr. Mensa told us that his volunteering to go on the block is because: "I'm a diabolical supergenius." Well, it either is a brilliant move, or stupidity on a grand scale, but as I calculate the votes, he should be safe.

Bitchney told us that she was "Absolutely coming after Rachel" for not nominating The Captain. But you see Bitchney, you told us you were absolutely coming after her anyway!

Monet was back to her default reaction: violence fantasies: "Right now I -- I just want to kick someone's ass, and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm not giving up until I get the votes to stay in this house, and it's going to be sweet revenge when I see the look on Rachel's face."

Well let's see: as I calculate it, Monet will get eviction votes from Hayden, The Beast, The Pussy, Brendon, Captain Kosher, and Ragan. That's six votes, more than enough. Monet has Bitchney's vote tied up. Although we never set eyes on them, Kristen and Kathy are actually still in the house, and will be voting, but even if they go all sisterhood, and vote to save Monet, their three votes won't do it. No sweet revenge for Monet. What allies has she made besides Bitchney? None. But then, if she believes that 60 x 60 = 1200, she should have no problem believing that 3 > 6.

Thursday: "Like, if she thinks she can run the house, she is sadly mistaken," said Monet of the woman running her out of the house.

Mr. Mensa is smug about "sitting pretty." Uh-oh. We've seen it over and over on Big Brother and Survivor, when players get overconfident, players get blindsided, and while I have no love for Mr. Mensa, I want Monet out almost as much as Boobiac does.

"Rachel and I have been butting heads recently," said Brendon. Yes, the point of contact being the lips. More Bitch Brigade crying scenes, now over sarcastic cello music, which means the production team is enjoying their self-pity wallows as much as I am. How terrible for Bitchney, that she might not have anyone to lie around with while saying horrible things about everyone. Monet is still her repressed-violent self: "She's lucky she didn't get my fist upside her head."

Monet: "She needs to go back to her stripper job in Vegas."

Bitchney: "She's a scientist, Monet."

Monet: "Yeah. She's making science trashy." Well, actually she's a waitress, but "The Trashy Scientists of Vegas" sounds like a hell of a new cable-reality series to me. Monet, register that idea now.

Mr. Mensa joined in the self-pity party, pretending to be upset when he's actually delighted and smug. He was only doing it to mock them for his own amusement. Hey, Mr. Mensa, that's my gig.

Hayden and Kristen (Kristen is a girl on the show. She doesn't do much.) are having a showmance on the downlow that, in Hayden's words: "resembles a third or fourth grade crush." Does he mean they run up to each other on the playground, scream "I hate you! Girls have cooties!", hit each other in the shoulder, and then run off? Actually, prior to puberty, boys usually hate girls. Come to think of it, they still hate them after puberty as well, it's just that now they desire them also. Eventually, this inner conflict turns boys into Mel Gibson. In any event, elementary school-level crushes don't usually involve sneaking into bed together after Lights Out. This relationship is beyond boring, but it must be noted, as it may well end up figuring into events in the weeks to come.

Neither of these geniuses would make very good spies. They were carrying on their top secret dry (or, at best, damp) humps in the same room with Captain Kosher, apparently thinking he's unaware of them. As The Captain pithily put it: "It's like trying to fall asleep, listening to a dirty movie."

I might add that Captain Kosher was wearing a white "Yom Kippur" with a white shirt, instead of his usual black one. I did not know that orthodox Jews were allowed to color co-ordinate their yarmulkes with their outfits. I like it. Look soon for America's Top Hasidic Fashion Model.

Campaigning to get Monet evicted (not knowing that the Brigade's votes are already locked down against her), Boobiac said: "I really want to see where Kristen's head is at." It has been missing for most of the week. Anyway, it's on her neck, when it isn't down Hayden's pants. Boobiac lied to Hayden and Kristen, saying that Bitchney had said that the Bitch Brigade had Hayden's and Kristen's votes locked in. Good strategy, but unnecessary. Hayden has to vote to keep his alliance member, and Kristen is most likely to vote how he tells her to.

But Kristen went right to the Bitch Brigade and asked them if they'd said that. Next thing you know, Boobiac and Brendon are out re-justifying their nominations to all and sundry, with Boobiac assuring them it wasn't personal, this to Monet, who takes everything personally, even the weather.

"I don't call girls bitches," said Boobiac, "because I don't use that derogatory term." I do.

"Rachel's going to get my fist in her face if she says anything else to me," said Monet, since it had been seven minutes since she had last fantasized out loud about committing an act of violence.

"With a pawn on the block, anything's possible," the Chenbot told us, in a desperate-but-vain attempt to create some suspense about the upcoming vote.

Bitchney went and sobbed some bull to Boobiac, just in case Brendon wins HOH: "I haven't lied to you," she lied.

Boobiac is not good at keeping secrets. Let's hope she never knows about any secret chemical weapons, because she'd blab it to the Taliban in a heartbeat, if they turned on the waterworks. She told Bitchney that Mr. Mensa had volunteered to go on the block. Shut up, Boobiac.

Bitchney, who knows an opportunity when it screams in her face, told Boobiac that Mr. Mensa was pretending to be pissed at her for putting him up. This shocked Boobiac, though of course he is. How else can he maintain the fiction that he didn't volunteer?

Boobiac was now blubbering. "I was like, Brendon, he's going to act like he's our friend," said Boobiac to the evil bitch pretending to be her friend. So Boobiac called a house meeting, which excluded Captain Kosher, who was off praying. There Boobiac outed Mr. Mensa's volunteering to be a pawn. The Brigade already knew this. Is this the way to treat a man whose wife has an imaginary bone disease?

Mr. Mensa backpedaled, and tried to claim that Brendon and Boobiac had "strong-armed" him into being the pawn. "You went on a power trip this week," he said to Boobiac, who had won the power for this week. Every HOH goes on a power trip.

"He'll lie to all of you," said the lair Monet, who still hasn't told Boobiac she hates her, despite her claim that she tells people to their faces when she hates them. (We're still waiting, Monet.) Meanwhile, the liars filling the house considered whether or not to vote against the man exposed for doing what they are all doing.

Mr. Mensa had called himself a "Diabolical Supergenius," and now he's made the same basic error the Diabolical Supergeniuses always make in the James Bond films: running his mouth too much.

Asked by The Chenbot which she would pick, Brendon or the half million dollars, Boobiac replied: "I think Brendon's a once-in-a-lifetime." Boobsie darling, for you, a half million dollars is once in a lifetime, if that. Brendons are like busses; they come along every twenty minutes, are hot but crowded, and smell bad from behind. Go for the money. (Like she has a prayer of still being there at the end.)

Eviction: The deciding vote was Ragan's. He said: "I vote to evict the beautiful and kind Monet." Wait a moment. Wasn't he supposed to vote for the Monet who is in the house? Anyway, Hallelujah, Monet was evicted. Good riddance to dreadful rubbish. So much for her "sweet revenge."

Showing all the warmth we've come to love her for, Monet was out the door without hugging anyone, not even Bitchney. "You're a great person, Monet," the Pussy lied to her as she went out the door.

Bitchney's goodbye message to Monet was hilarious. She was in full blubbering mode, awash in more tears than Mo'Nique at the Golden Globes. She sounded like Judy Garland weeping out: "I'm going to miss you most of all, Scarecrow," as she sobbed out: "I am so going to miss sitting in the back yard and talking with you about how high-waisted Kristen's pants are, and how skanky Rachel's dressing every day, and how annoying her laugh is, and all of the things we could do with her hair extentions." What put the icing on the cake here was that Bitchney was speaking without a trace of comic irony. These are the pleasures of her small, evil little life.

Boobiac, on the other hand, said the same thing she said to Annie last week, that Monet had "tried to break up me and my man." Hello? Neither woman showed any interest whatever in luring Brendon away from Boobiac. Does she just assume all women are out to steal Brendon from her? Will she go accuse The Chenbot next?

Head of Household Competition: A surfing-themed endurance competition, but with a Have-Not twist tossed in. The first five to fall off the surfboards they were standing on would be the Haves for the week. So, to really play to be HOH, you had to risk being a Have-Not. Nice, but I hate HOH competitions that aren't decided when the broadcast ends. Of course they were pouring water on them, and jiggling their surfboards to make it harder and more unpleasant, although seeing The Beast in a soaking-wet T-shirt works for me.

So we won't know until Sunday who won, unless you want to go online and find out, as I will, but not now. And please, don't post who wins below. No spoilers for the readers who want some suspense until the Sunday show. Until next week, Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.