04/03/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Lost Found! [SPOILER ALERT] How Lost Will End

Darlings, the worm from my tequila bottle got away before I could swallow it, and escaped. It burrowed into my carpet, creating a wormhole, and out of that wormhole fell the closely-guarded script for the final episode of Lost.

As everyone knows, ABC announced three years ago that Lost would conclude at the end of its sixth season (beginning Tuesday Night on ABC, like anyone doesn't know). For three years, fan speculation has been rife on how it will end: Will the hydrogen bomb reset Reality? Will Jacob be reincarnated as Baby Aaron? Is The Island actually a spaceship and/or Tardis which time-crashed on earth 4000 years ago? Will prolonged exposure to the Smoke Monster cause emphysema? What lies in the shadow of the statue? (Richard's answer, in Latin, translates to: "Dick Cheney when he's east of the Statue of Liberty at sunset"). Is Locke dead, or just dead-ish? Will Myles become Jin's father? Will Kate and Juliette wake up in a new Reality as lesbian lovers? Will Jack grow his chest hair back? Will Sawyer ever notice me? (Josh, call me. Your wife needn't know). Will Richard Alpert give me the name of his plastic surgeon? Will Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking reunite and live happily ever after? Are the Daleks behind it all?

Well here's what will happen: In the final episode, Lost will announce it doesn't want to go after all. The last season ratings will have sky-rocketed by then, and Disney will want to keep it. ABC will buy off Jimmy Kimmel's contract and fire him, and give Late Night to Lost five nights a week, starting in September. Lost will go on Oprah to explain that its getting Jimmy fired was ABC's fault, Jimmy's Kimmel's fault, Flash Forward's fault, Jacob's fault, Walt Disney's fault, my fault, everyone's fault but its, because Lost is a swell, easy-going, jovial, get-along kind of show that is just trying to make everyone happy, and that when it hid in a closet and overheard ABC picking up V and Flash Forward, it was just looking for Nikki & Paulo.

And then next year, Lost will crash-dive in the ratings, and get canceled three months after everyone that works on it has moved their families from Hawaii to Hollywood, where it will be doing its new, five nights stripped, seventh season at a brand-new studio ABC will spend $20 million to build. There will be no ending, and we'll never learn just what the heck Jacob is.

Or not.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.