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Tallulah Morehead

Tallulah Morehead

Posted: November 18, 2010 06:46 PM

"The time to hesitate is through.

No time to wallow in the mire.

Try now, we can only lose,

And our love become a funeral pyre.

Come on baby, light my fire.

Come on baby, light my fire.

Try to set the night on fire."

- The Doors, Light My Fire.

First things first. Sarah Palin's repugnant new "Reality" show, produced by Survivor's own Mark "Palin's Pimp" Burnett, premiered over the weekend to huge ratings. Did you watch it? If so: SHAME! SHAME! Do not watch it again! This show must fail! I am proud to say I did not watch it. It exists to further the political ambitions of the putrid, evil, and vile Sarah Palin. There is only one reason to look at it: to make a list of its sponsors, so they can be boycotted.

Now, to Survivor. After a couple rather dull episodes, things heated up a bit this week. Treachery, stupidity, and rampant egotism competed for our attention, lit by the flickering flames of a campfire, I mean, a camp on fire.

But we started out with hubris and smug overconfidence. Brenda, after Tribal Council, was bragging to us: "Benry, Fabio and Dan now see that Sash and I aren't on their side. We took out their little leader Marty, and now, it's only a matter of time before they go." Where have I heard talk like that before? Oh yes, Marty a few weeks back, just before the tribal shuffle, telling us that he could see two or three Tribal Councils ahead, and ticking off his list of targets, most of whom are still there, while Marty is gone. What Brenda doesn't realize is she's actually saying: "Now Benry, Fabio, and Dan realize that Sash and I have to go." But she thinks she's running the game. Whenever someone thinks they're running the game, they are setting themselves up to learn otherwise, unless their name is Russell Hantz that is.

Brenda also said of her co-ruler: "I think Sash and I being in control does look like a king and queen situation, but Sash is more of a queen, and I'm more of a king, the way I look at it." I thought we settled all this "Is Sash gay?" stuff weeks ago. If he were gay, he wouldn't be called "Sash"; he'd be wearing a sash. But Brenda admitting her own trans-gender tendencies was refreshing. So does this mean Chase is gay?

However, Brenda needs to read up on The French Revolution before she gets too smug about the rest of her tribe seeing them as King Brenda and Queen Sash. Heads may roll, and soon.

Sure enough, Madame DeFarge and The Vengeance, i.e. Jane the Crone and Crazy Holly, were already holding secret revolutionary meetings, though they didn't call each other "Jacques". After all, with Marty gone, Madame DeFarge (Jane. Keep up.) needs a new enemy to give her life meaning. Shoe Thief Holly told us: "Brenda is basically calling all the shots. So, we are totally going to make a power move before next Tribal. I mean seriously, what do I have to lose?" Well, Survivor 21 for starters.

Famous Last Words: Fabio: "Do we wanna scoot the fire over closer to the shelter at all, if it's gonna be like a rainy day?"

Never take fire safety tips from an idiot, no matter how likeable he is. However, the tribe seemed to be all idiots, since they not only took his advice, but they did so by shoving the wooden chests that held all their tools and food right up against the fire, then laying bamboo and large chunks of wood over the fire, as a rain shelter! Too bad they didn't have any gasoline to soak all that wood with, so it would be too damp to catch fire, or at least tether Mrs. O'Leary's cow to the fire pit. Is stupidity contagious?

Crazy Holly and Madame DeFarge, photographed in scary close-ups, conferred more. Holly was now convinced she could "go all the way". SLUT! Anyway, they set off to recruit members for their revolutionary committee. Holly took on Benry, who felt (rightly) that Sash stabbed his male friends in the back at council by telling them he was voting one way when he fully intended right from the start to vote with the women against Marty. Holly said: "Everyone's listening to Brenda, including me." Did she just tell Benry that Brenda is controlling her also? So, did Brenda send Holly to Benry to tell him to vote against Brenda? I'm confused.

Just to keep things colorful, Holly added: "Kelly Purple crawls up Brenda's ass." They should have shown that! I'd love to see it, and it would give Kelly Still-Here some much-needed screen-time, as Kelly's total, combined screen-time so far this season, 10 episodes in, comes to less time than a commercial break. I half expected Benry to ask: "Who?" Or is that why we never see or hear from Kelly Still-Here? She's always tucked away inside Brenda's butt? Do they need one of those tiny cameras used in colonoscopies to get a shot of Kelly?

Anyway, Benry was onboard with the revolution, which is the smartest thing he's done in weeks.

Madame DeFarge talked to NaOnka, or as we know her, Satan's Bride, to rope her into the revolution, since a little help from Lucifer can always swing a vote (just ask the teabaggers), although you do need to give him your soul in return. Madame DeFarge said this: "I don't like to associate myself with villains, not in real life, not in this game." Then why are you associating yourself with Satan's Bride? Let's see, we have a woman who bashes the disabled, both verbal abuse and full-on physical assault, and who is a known thief of the whole tribe's food, and well as being just bat-crap crazy. How is she not a villain?

Anyway, true-to-form, Satan's Bride was all for backstabbing her "best friend." I've had bigger shocks.

Crazy Holly must be blind, as how else could she not know that Chase is smitten by Brenda? Mind you, Brenda regards him as she would her brother's pet; she's nice to him as long as it suits her, but she holds no love nor respect for him. However, Holly is unaware of that, and went and "recruited" him next. If Holly were part of a plot to assassinate Hitler, she'd try to get Eva Braun to help. Maybe she could talk Brenda into voting out Brenda too.

"I think we're all in a consensus that Brenda has to go first." Holly said to Chase, who is not of that opinion. Chase held a conference with his genitals, and they were all in a consensus that Brenda should stay, fall in love with Chase, and have hot sex with him, day and night. His Crotch Alliance (the one alliance no man will ever betray) was of the opinion that Benry should go next, for not voting against Marty, and being a physical threat, all of which is crotch-speak for: "He's kind of attractive, and I don't want Brenda going for him instead of me." Sadly for Chase, he and his genitals still only have one vote between them.

Holly: "I'm keeping my eye on Chase, just because Chase, I feel I can trust him, but at this point in the game, he makes me just a little nervous." We'll see how well she keeps her eye on Chase, and how well-placed her trust in him is.

Reward Challenge: Okay, this challenge looked, well, impossible. I know they test them extensively, so they can be done, but this one was incredibly difficult. Divided into two teams, using only four barrels, two planks, and ten feet of rope, they had to traverse a quite long area, without any member of the team ever touching the ground. Should any team member touch the ground, the whole team has to go back to the start and begin again. I'll bet this one took hours to do.

Clearly, this was a challenge that would be decided, as last week's Reward Challenge was, by the team selection. Last week, a random divide put all the men on one team, and all the women on the other, for an intensely physical challenge the women hadn't a prayer of winning. This one was even simpler; whichever team got stuck with Twice-Shoeless Dan would lose. Period. The man can barely walk on the ground, let alone walk on planks above the ground, and crawling on the planks is hardly an option given that his knees are more defective than the Republicans' plan to "help" the economy by extending the Bush tax breaks, instead of extending unemployment.

The "reward" was to go "Volcano Boarding," that is, sliding on a board down the side of what Jeff described as "one of the most-active volcanos in he world." The survivors, if any, of this "treat" would then get pizza, sodas, and chocolate.

What people should do at "one of the most-active volcanos in the world" is run the other way as fast as you can!!! Cave men were smarter than that. What will next week's reward be? High diving into a lava flow? Tsunami surfing? Bungee Jumping without a bungee cord? I would so be raising my hand and asking: "Can I just skip the surfing down Mount Doom, and get right to the pizza and chocolate?"

The Yellow Team drew Dan. The Blue Team was doomed - to die on a volcano.

As the challenge began, Jeff said: "You have four barrels, two planks, and ten feet of rope. What you do with it will determine who wins this challenge." No Jeff, who got Dan would determine who won that challenge.

The Blue Team decided they only needed three of their barrels, and left one behind. If their plan was to lose to the Yellow Team, and thus avoid death on the volcano, they would have to do better than that. They'd have to leave all their barrels behind to have a prayer of losing.

([Sniff] Do you smell something burning? Never mind. Back to the challenge.)

Jeff, as he observed Benry walking on a loose barrel: "Little Cirque Du Soleil going on with Benry." Really? Because as far as I could see or hear, he wasn't wearing fluorescent leotards, a big fake nose, and prancing about like the Sugar Plum Fairy to weird, French music.

(Off the subject, but the mention of Cirque Du Soleil brought it to mind. If you haven't been watching the 3-part, 6-hour documentary Circus currently running on PBS, check it out. It's fascinating! Though it does feature a male clown named "Grandma". I think men who pretend to be women just to amuse people are sick! And so does Little Dougie!)

Not only did the Yellow Team all fall off their planks, but in the process, Twice-Shoeless Dan managed to smash one of his hands. So now, in addition to two, count 'em, two bum knees, he adds a useless hand. What an asset he is - to the Blue Team.

(What's that pillar of smoke in the direction of their camp? Oh, it must be the Smoke Monster. Good thing everyone is here at the challenge, because where there's smoke, there's a Man in Black.) (Okay, I miss Lost. Sue me.)

Fabio to Chase: "Here, put it - Aaah! - between my legs." That got my attention fast. An obliging Chase slipped the wood between Fabio's legs, or would have if he hadn't been placing one of their planks there instead. Poor, disappointed Fabio. Who knew he was a bottom? Hands?

Jeff: "Yellow Team has made very little progress in this challenge. If this were life or death, you'd be dead." The prize is sliding down "one of the most-active volcanos in the world". It is life or death, only it's the winners who will die.

Oh, why am I bothering to describe the challenge? The Blue Team won, as it had the moment the Yellows got stuck with Dan. Chase, Fabio, Kelly Still-Here, Satan's Bride, and Madame DeFarge would be heading off to Mount Doom. There's a good aspect to that: they could throw Satan's Bride into the fires of Mount Doom, in which she was originally forged by the Dark Lord Himself, while they are there, and save Middle-Earth. It would mean more pizza and chocolate for the others.

(Speaking of the fires of Mount Doom, what's that flickering orange glow in the direction of their camp? Oh, probably just the camera crew setting up lighting.)

So what was the ten feet of rope for? Chase wore his team's rope as an ascot, and Brenda wore her team's as a necklace. At no point did either team ever use their rope for anything. What was it supposed to be for? Did they think that if they gave the players enough rope, they'd all hang themselves? No such luck. Maybe Madame DeFarge could knit something with the ropes.

When the helicopter arrived to take the Blue Team to Mount Doom, Madame DeFarge said: "I've never been on a helicopter." I'm not surprised. Has she ever been in a car, or as she calls them: "one of them newfangled horseless carriages"? I thought she traveled exclusively by horse drawn tumbrils.

Satan's Bride has also never been in a helicopter, and never expected that she ever would be. She probably figured her most-likely mode of transport would be a prison bus.

Fabio described the volcano as "awesome." Now Fabio would describe a new pair of underpants as awesome, or a well-cooked Lima bean. (No such thing as a well-cooked Lima Bean. Lima beans are hideous.) This may be the first time ever that Fabio has called something awesome that actually is awesome, in its real meaning of awe-inspiring. The volcano was magnificent, starkly beautiful, and completely safe - for me, seeing it on TV, but you'd have to be nuts to go sliding down "one of the most-active volcanos in the world." If you make Volcano God mad, Volcano God will show you what happened to Atlantis the hard way.

Ah Madame DeFarge. She's so loveably idiotic. She said of walking across the coal-black rim of Mount Doom: "It was almost like you were walking on the moon." Does she mean she felt like she only weighed one-sixth of what she weighs on earth (which would make her weigh 3 pounds), could not breathe, had the side of her facing the sun boil while the side facing away from the sun froze, and that shortly she would explode? Did she mean it was like walking backwards to 80s pop music? When did she walk on the moon before, to know what it's like anyway? I thought only men had been to the moon, like a huge, celestial gay bar.

Also said Madame DeFarge: "You can just feel the heat coming up between you and the ground." What? "You can just feel the heat coming up between you and the ground"? Is she floating in mid-air?

1. If there's nothing between you and the ground, you're not walking; you're plummeting to Certain Death.

2. If you can actually feel the heat coming up at you from the ground when you're on top of "one of the most-active volcanos in the world," (a place you should never be in the first place) - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Fabio said of Volcano Surfing: "I'd never even heard of that before." Nor has anyone else, except adrenaline junkies with death wishes. But if you must Volcano surf, don't do it on "one of the most-active volcanos in the world"! That's what extinct volcanos are for. (Well, no it's not "what extinct volcanos are for," but trust me, stay away from any mountain called "one of the most-active volcanos in the world".)

Frankly, careening down the side of an enormous mountain (They looked to be sliding down some 2000 or 3000 feet.), seated on a board, riding over rocks and bumps, quite apart from looking like Certain Death, also looks like pure, unadulterated, butt-torture. Why not just stand still and let someone repeatedly kick you in the rear? That should have roughly the same effect with considerably less danger.

Fabio "wiped out," and found himself rolling down the side of the mountain, as his family began wondering what the financial settlement they'd get from CBS to avoid a wrongful death suit would amount to. "That was crazy!" Fabio yelled as his body came to a stop. No, you were crazy to do it.

I'm sorry adrenaline junkies out there, but getting thrown down the side of "one of the most-active volcanos in the world," on a small wooden board, to end up tumbling over rocks and grit towards probable death is not my idea of a good time. Getting roaring drunk and shagging Hugh Jackman is my idea of a thrilling reward. Like it or not, even the Pompeii Olympics didn't include this insane event, and the Pompeii Olympics (Which had competitive feeding of Christians to lions as a popular sport) were a total disaster. There were no survivors.

And to top it all off, Satan's Bride survived it also. Drat! The one good thing this insanely reckless and dangerous pastime could have done for humanity didn't get done.

And Madame DeFarge, who probably has bones more brittle than glass, didn't have sense enough to say: "See ya at the pizza and chocolate," but went tearing down the mountain also. I assume there was a medical team waiting at the bottom, with a replacement hip on hand, just in case.

As they walked off from Mount Doom, we heard this exchange:

Fabio: "What do you guys think's going down at camp?"

Chase: "I don't care."

He will care, and soon, because what was going down at camp was a blazing inferno, as their campfire set the bamboo, the wood, and the chests on fire, and built into a raging conflagration that was spreading to the shelter, as observed by the camera crew filming it for our enjoyment, but doing absolutely nothing to put it out. Not their jobs, man. They're union.

And then the Yellow Team arrived back at the ashes of their camp, to contemplate the inevitable and totally foreseeable results of their collective idiocy. Their fire, ironically enough, was out. Their chests were ashes. Their glass jars were melted. Almost all of their food was ashes. Their tools were burned up or melted. Their machetes were just heat-damaged blades. Their tarp was partially melted.

Brenda: "How did that happen?" You mean how did all that wood you stacked against, and over, your fire catch fire? I have no idea. It's a head-scratcher - if you're a blithering moron!

Back at the pizza feast, which the Blue Team was happily eating not knowing that that was all they'd have to eat for some time to come, talk naturally turned to strategy. Satan's Bride took Fabio aside subtly, which is impossible when you're five people eating together alone at the base of Mount Doom. A passing stranger asked: "Why did Nay take him aside?" It was obvious why. To talk without the others hearing, which would never raise any suspicions in the others.

Oh wait. That was not a passing stranger. It was Kelly Still-Here. No wonder I had no idea who it was. Wow. She spoke an entire sentence.

"You never talk really," said Chase to Kelly. Is he watching the show on TV? Or is the reason they never show her saying anything on the air because she actually never says anything? I thought it was just because she never says anything interesting.

Satan's Bride was telling Fabio to vote out her "best friend" Brenda. I'm going to assume that Satan's Bride actually has a real best friend back in South Central L.A., since even Hitler and Charles Manson still had friends. So, Satan's Bride's Real Best Friend, pay attention to what she's doing here, because she'll do the same to you if there's a buck in it for her.

Now remember, Fabio and Satan's Bride are archenemies. Right off, back in the early days, Satan's Bride stole his socks, and then cursed him out at the top of her lungs for daring to notice it. Mind you, he didn't actually say "Hey, you stole my socks, bitch!" He just looked at her while she was wearing them, and she went off on him. She's verbally attacked and berated him again and again for noticing that she was an evil thief. When Sherlock Fabio solved the Great Nicaraguan Food Robbery with a "Ja'cuse Satan's Bride!" (Well, it was more of a "NaOnka stole our food," but I'm trying to inject a little style here.), she clearly began plans for his imminent demise.

So they seem to be strange bedfellows here, but Fabio could see the sense in voting out Brenda, and he could also see what Satan's Bride could not: that they had to keep it a secret from Chase, though that horse is not only out of the bran, but lost in the distance. Satan's Bride had not noticed that Chase has major hots for Brenda, and is her slave, because neither Chase nor Brenda are her, and she's about as self-involved a narcissist as you will find not named "Palin." She just figured that Chase is too scatterbrained to tell Brenda the plan. That's the Black Hole of Calcutta calling a snow bank black.

"The more you keep making these power moves," Satan's Bride told us, "Everything's going to fall in line." Oh Satan's Bride, have you forgotten that the reason you're gunning for Brenda is that she's made a series of successful power moves? You keep making power moves, what you're really doing is painting a target on yourself. I'd be glad to just give you a target to hang on yourself, No need to paint yourself one.

Understand, a single, well-chosen power move can indeed help you big time in the game, but a series of them will just make people afraid of you, and those are the people who blindside you.

When the Blue Team got back to camp, did we get to see them react to finding their camp in ashes? No. Because Chase could not wait one more minute to tell Brenda that she was being targeted. And he wore his nicest no-shirt for the occasion, in the vain hope she would notice how pretty his pecs are, and fall for him. (His have not deflated from lack of food as severely as Benry's have and Marty's did.) At least it made his betrayal of Holly and Benry visually appealing.

He even made a gloriously revealing Freudian slip talking to us about it, by saying: "For whatever reason, I trust Brenda..." [We know what the "reason" is, Chase. But, as Bottom says in Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night's Dream (a role Little Dougie has played): "to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days."] "...That's all it comes down to: I trust her, and I put my game plan in her." So he calls his "My Game Plan"? But he hasn't actually put it in her, he just wants to. She, on the other hand, considers him a useful tool, but has no real interest in using his tool.

He continued to Brenda: "There's no reason for me to turn at this point and backstab you..." [Yes there is. The same reasons Satan's Bride has for backstabbing her. But Satan's Bride wants to win, which she never will, while Chase has gotten sidetracked into his pants.] "...That would just make me look like an ass." And how do you think betraying half a dozen people because you're smitten by a beauty queen you have no shot at makes you look? And also, some asses are among the most breathtaking and gorgeous sights on earth. In fact, Chase's ass is probably a fine sight.

But you can't help some people. Filled with hubris, choked with self-love, and blinded by supreme overconfidence, Brenda told us: "I still think that I don't have to do anything crazy to beat them. Like I'm not even that impressed." So math is not her "talent" in her beauty pageants. Well, maybe she can't count to six, but Jeff Probst can when he's tabulating ballots. I don't recommend doing anything "crazy" either. That's Holly and Satan's Bride's act, but she might want to do something to keep herself off the jury.

Chase was having a busy morning though. He was off to try and talk Satan's Bride into voting out Benry, who is attractive also, and therefore competition for Brenda, who interests Benry not at all. Of course, that wasn't the reason he gave Satan's Bride, but she was not to be swayed anyway.

Chase explained how this whole Put-Brenda-where-Chase-can't-flirt-with-her-anymore plan was hatched by Holly and Benry. Actually, it was hatched by Holly and Madame DeFarge, but since Madame DeFarge is from North Carolina like he is, it's not possible for him to consider that she might be behind putting his dream date out of his reach. Man, he's stupid.

So Satan's Bride went scurrying off to tell Benry he can't trust Chase. This was news to Benry, who did trust Chase, until informed that Chase was campaigning to evict him. The betrayals are coming so thick and fast now I can barely keep track of them. Satan's Bride's new, revised hit list is now Brenda, then Sash, then Chase. I suppose I can't blame her for leaving herself off that list, though she's high on mine. She should be on everyone's list except Schindler's.

Benry thinks he has Chase's problem figured out, though his prescription is faulty: "Chase is crazy. He's been playing with his heart..." [That's not his heart. It's what his heart is sending all his blood to.] "...and his emotions this entire game, since Day Two. He is being played by Brenda. Hopefully Chase will grow a pair, and realize what's good for him." Actually, if Chase lost the pair he has, that would cause him to lose his obsession with Brenda, so Benry has the solution backwards.

Satan's Bride, now assuming the role of Nicaraguan Town Crier, ran off to tattle on Chase to Madame DeFarge. Madame DeFarge grasped the situation firmly: "I originally trusted Chase, but Chase is sucking up to Brenda like he wants to get in her pants or something." There's no "or something" about it. He wants into her pants.

Satan's Bride had more rounds to make. Next up was Crazy Holly to be informed of Chase's betrayal of their betrayal of Brenda. "I knew it!" Holly lied. If Holly knew Chase would betray them, why did she tell him the "consensus" in the first place?

Crazy Holly: "What the [Farthingale] is wrong with Chase?" Holly, it's only an hour show. That question could take years to answer fully, but the short reply is: he answers only to his Crotch Alliance. As my friend, conductor and composer David Snyder says: "I no longer think with my penis, but it's still one of my top advisors."

Immunity Challenge: A fairly straight-forward endurance challenge. This was a variation of one they'd done in Heroes vs Villains: leaning progressively farther back while holding onto a knotted rope, having to go back knots at set intervals until you lose your grip or your stance, and fall over. Last time, it involved a leaning pole. This time the pole was gone, but it was done over a pool, in case Fabio felt the call of nature during the challenge again. Anything that involves the players falling into water or mud is gold, and I want to see Fabio try to write his name in the pool. I bet he misspells it.

In this order, Not-Gay Sash, Kelley Still-Here, Crazy Holly, and Brenda all fell off before Twice-Shoeless Dan. They should be deeply embarrassed. The man's knees are so bad, he can barely stand normally, let alone while leaning way back, grasping a rope.

And Brenda really, seriously, needed to win Immunity. As Jeff always says, endurance challenges are all about who wants it the most. Determination is the vital factor. (As this challenge's winner will prove. This race went not to the swiftest nor the strongest.) Brenda clearly wasn't taking her peril seriously. She doesn't really need Immunity; she and Sash are running this game, and it's not like the winner will get to go skinny dipping in magma, followed by peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. No, it's just for worthless old Immunity.

But pulling on that rope did make Chase's pecs bulge out gorgeously, so it was not a dull challenge to watch.

Fabio "went" next, followed by Satan's Bride. Unfortunately, the pool was not filled with Holy Water, so she didn't scream and dissolve. Drat! Fabio did not announce that he'd relieved himself once he hit the water this time, but I assume that was only because the others hadn't taken it well when he announced it last time. But I'd like to think he left a bonus fluid in which Satan's Bride shortly baptized herself.

So now it was Chase, Benry and Madame DeFarge left. Benry fell next. I'm sure it was because of that shirt he was wearing. It must have added critical grams to his weight. Chase, gloriously shirtless, was hanging on just fine.

Madame DeFarge almost let Chase talk her into giving up and letting him win, but Jeff overheard and was having none of it, and hectored the batty old lady into fighting on, so lo and behold, Chase fell off, and Madame DeFarge, fighting from sheer determination, won Immunity. Every surviving fetus should be embarrassed. Benry was.

So Sash finally entered into the who-should-we-vote-out debate that had been going on since the episode began. He signed on to Chase's Crotch Alliance's get-Benry plan right away, stating that Benry was the biggest threat. Guys, Madame DeFarge has won two endurance challenges now, and is the "brains," well, the cunning, behind the plan to evict Brenda, just as last week, she sent Marty home. That sounds like a bigger threat than Benry.

"I've been trying to play this game with people I trust," said Chase, who had tattled the get-Brenda plan he was told in confidence to Brenda just as fast as he could. You have to be trustworthy to find trust. Chase trusts the judgement of his Crotch Alliance. Guys, nothing will give you away faster than your groin sausage.

Satan's Bride complained to Sash about Chase, saying he: "pissed me off to the highest point of pisstivity." Remember, she teaches in a high school, albeit P.E., which is what illiterates with a teaching credential always teach. Satan's Bride is Pissive-Aggressive. Come to think of it, so is Fabio, but only in the pool.

But when she told Sash that Brenda was the target, he was not pleased, and highly surprised. But he did work out that he was vulnerable for the exact same reasons Brenda was, so better her than he.

Chase was off to recruit Fabio to his Crotch Alliance to "Get Benry," but Crazy Holly intruded, and Chase got his eyes opened to what a losing battle he had to keep Brenda near his pants. "She's got everybody on a list," said Holly, making Brenda sound like Jacob on Lost.

Chase: "I've been playing this game with my heart, and not my head a lot of the time." I think he said: "my heart," but "my hard" would be more accurate.

Chase tried wising up Brenda to her peril, but she's a hard ego to crack. When he told her that Satan's Bride was working the crowd to get votes against her, Brenda said flat out: "Nay's not gonna vote for me." Yes, because selfish, sociopathic thieves are always so trustworthy.

Brenda had no intention of "scrambling" to stay in the game. That would be undignified, and she prefers over-easy anyway. Said she of the Get Brenda plan: "I'm pretty annoyed about it." That's right plotters, she is not amused, so shape up and follow orders. Otherwise, she may go from "annoyed" to "miffed." I was just waiting for her to say "Let them eat cake."

Here is Brenda's articulated plan to save herself: "I think all I can do is stay cool. The last thing I want to do is start scrambling. It just shows that you're desperate." [You should be desperate. You're hanging on a thread.] "So, If I show confidence, my friends show confidence in me, it shows that, yeah, I kinda wanna stick with Brenda." Darling, "Kinda wanna" isn't going to cut it against votes from Holly, Madame DeFarge, Benry, Satan's Bride, Fabio, and Dan. That's six votes out of ten right there.

Brenda did come up with a good save-herself plan, or semi-good. It was for Sash to give her his Immunity Idol, let her play it, and blindside Satan's Bride. I like this plan, because it gets rid of Satan's Bride, but it depends on Sash being as stupid as Marty was when he gave it to Sash. Sash, on the other hand, can do some math himself, and he sees that, if Brenda is the target now, he's probably next on Jacob's List, and he might need that idol himself next week. Still, he considered it.

Brenda is a true Narcissist, which is not unusual in beauty pageant contestants, in fact, I think it's a requirement. (Sarah Palin: beauty pageant contestant, giant narcissist.) Not only does she think Sash should give her his Immunity Idol (Why didn't you try winning one for yourself this afternoon, lady? Because I can get what I want from any man by smiling and winking. Sarah Palin: a major winker. Something of a wanker too.), but she had this to say about Satan's Bride's betrayal of her: "I'm just furious that NaOnka would make such a dumb move." But you see, Brenda, it isn't a dumb move for Satan's Bride. It's a smart move. And have you been paying attention to what a horrible person Satan's Bride is? Did you think her nasty selfishness would never be turned on you? Satan's Bride is a born Objectivist. She'd love the works of Ayn Rand if she ever learns to read.

So, the question now is: Is Sash stupid enough to give Brenda his Immunity Idol? Chase would do it in a second, and then Brenda would cheerfully vote him out.

Tribal Council: Marty's hair is darker than it was three days earlier. How did that happen? Is he getting younger?

Brenda said that voting out Marty was not something she wanted to do, but that she did it to prove to her alliance that they could trust her. [snicker] Who wanted Marty out the most? Madame DeFarge, the woman who hatched the Get-Brenda scheme. Looks like someone young, pretty, and conceited got royally played by someone old, scary-looking, and crafty.

Brenda accused Satan's Bride of hatching the plot against her. It was hatched by Crazy Holly and Madame DeFarge, though Satan's Bride has been working overtime to implement it.

Satan's Bride batted the ball into Chase's lap, or neck stump: "Chase was running around yesterday with his head cut off. It's something that Chase does..." [He removes his head somehow, and runs around? I'd like to see that. How did he blab to Brenda about the plot without a head to speak out of?] "...He didn't know what to do. He was paranoid."

Jeff: "Purple Kelly, weigh in on this. Give us 20 years of wisdom." Wow! That is the first time we've seen Jeff ask Kelly Still-Here a question at Tribal. I was expecting to find her over on the side, reading a book, or playing with a Gameboy. But for 20 years of wisdom from her, he'll have to wait another 20 years, maybe 40 years.

Kelly's answer was so disjointed and devoid of meaning or content that I got too lost and bored to type it up. It clearly left the others, and the jury, amusedly befuddled by her inarticulate sentence fragments, full of sound and fuzzy, but definitely signifying nothing, though it certainly removed any remaining mystery as to why they never bother to give her any airtime. Anyway, somewhere within all her go-nowhere, disjointed random phrases came the idea that she felt "out of the loop."

Brenda now reasoned that neither Sash nor Chase could be behind the plot against her, therefore it had to be Satan's Bride. Never mind those other suspects, like Crazy Holly and Madame DeFarge. How could old people harm SuperBrenda?

Brenda's deductions included this: "Why would Chase let me in on it the day before? He didn't have to tell me." Why? Because he "likes" you. M - O - U - S - E.

Asked if she "scrambled this afternoon," Brenda said she did "little things." Scrambling would indicate she was in actual danger from these insects. Puh-leaze. Are they beauty pageant winners? No. They have no power over The Great Me!

Jeff: "What is it about the word scrambling? Are you too proud for that word?" Nailed it, Probst!

Jeff: "So scrambling is beneath you?"

Brenda: "It's just not my style."

Alina (on the jury): "She's so irritating." Nailed it, Alina!

Time to vote. Crazy Holly, as she voted for Brenda: "You should have scrambled." Brenda like poached.

Jeff: "If anybody has a Hidden Immunity Idol and they'd like to play it, now would be the time to do so." Brenda looked over at Sash, and smiled to indicate she was ready to receive his gift of an idol now. Chase and his Crotch Alliance looked over and made a "do it now" look. Sash suddenly found the night sky fascinating, and wholly forgot to give his idol to Brenda. Sash's Crotch Alliance is working for Sash, not Brenda. Maybe he is gay. Or just not stupid, although gay seems likelier.

Brenda was so voted out. "Ouch" said Brenda as her torch was snuffed. Turned out she needed to scramble after all. Just winking, and counting on horny guys to carry her through, didn't work here. Everyone but Chase wanted a million dollars more than they wanted into Brenda's pants. After all, with a million dollars, you can buy 200 Brendas. Just ask Hugh Hefner, who regularly buys beauty pageant girls like her only blond by the truckload.

We heard Brenda stating that she was still in shock over being outplayed "by the person I trusted the most," referring to Satan's Bride, as we saw the person she actually trusted the most, Sash, holding up the ballot on which he had written the name "Brenda." Even Chase voted to oust her, his Crotch Alliance being overruled in favor of not following Brenda down the rabbit hole onto the jury.

And even if Sash had played the idol for her, it wouldn't have effectively blindsided Satan's Bride, because Kelly Still-Here voted for Benry, being so out of the loop that she was unaware that that plan had been abandoned. Benry and Satan's Bride would have tied, and in the revote, it's most-likely Benry would have gone.

Drat! The previews of next week showed everyone angry and disgusted over some new horror committed by Satan's Bride, and proclaiming she must go. You can be sure of one thing on Survivor: when the previews make it look like Person A is certain to get ousted next week, that is the one person you can be sure will not be voted out.

Cheers darlings. And remember, Only you can prevent rain forest fires.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.