In the opening moments of Survivor this week, we heard Russell again described by Rob as "the hobbit on crack," (Rob also described Tyson the Mormon Moron as having been "as dumb as a bag of rocks," although I think this was unnecessarily insulting to bags of rocks. I've never yet met a bag of rocks that was a Mormon.), and by Courtney's skeleton as "a bandy-legged little troll, who, you know, sort of like, scampers around with his tooth missing, and, you know, is in-and-out of the bushes, and never washes." Mmmm. Who wouldn't want some of that?
Courtney's skeleton, who is given to cluttering its sentences with needless, meaningless, word debris, but whose powers of observation are, nonetheless, pretty sharp for an eyeless skull, also said of Parvati: "She has, like, no problem flirting with, clearly, anything that walks." Judging from how she throws herself at unwashed Russell, aka Bulbous Baggins, the Filthy Hobbit, she also has no trouble flirting with anything that slithers through slime either. Jessie James, she's playing your song.
Bulbous has amassed himself a small harem, which is rare in married men, and almost unheard of in men that don't wash. Maybe some of Tyson's Mormoness rubbed off on Bulbous, although even Mormon polygamists wash themselves, some of them once an hour. (And yet they're still dirty, dirty, dirty!) Along with Parvati, Danielle has been bagged by Baggins, and he has his eye on Jerri, consort to Voldepussy, though I know from hard experience that it can be very difficult to break up lesbians. Like pigeons, they mate for life.
In any event, they have Rob worried. "I was born at night, but not last night," Rob said, though I'd have guessed that on my own, since Rob's mother isn't on the island. Myself, I was born in a drunk in the Princess Theater, and it wasn't even last century.
Jerri said of the wooing attempts made to her by Parvati and Bulbous, "it hurts my brain." Jerri, you can't hurt what doesn't exist. Whatever it is on you that is aching, it isn't a brain.
Parvati has worked out that Jerri and Voldepussy are not as other women: "Coach and Jerri, right in the middle. You know. They don't know the way to go." Upwind of Bulbous Baggins would be the way to go.
Parvati, who sees the world solely in terms of sexuality, in other words, a realist, thinks jealousy will lure Jerri into The Baggins Cult: "She saw what Russell did for me..." (Cuddle his big, unwashed-for-weeks butt all over you last night, leaving you with a scent that is unlikely even to attract Jerri? Oh, you meant his giving you his idol. I need to move my TV upwind.) "... and I think Jerri's a little bit jealous..." (How low have you sunk if you're jealous of someone for having won the heart of a filthy hobbit? That's how much worse it must be to be the Main Squeeze of Voldepussy.) "... that a man hasn't done that for her." Well first off, she hasn't needed a man to save her yet, because she's not universally despised on her tribe, the way Parvati is. Secondly, Jealousy more quickly makes an enemy of a woman, than an ally. Believe me, I know!
Over at the Pathetics, I mean "Heroes," Camp: "It's put up or shut up time for Colby," said Colby, who has buckled under the stress, and is now referring to himself in the third person, as though to say, "Hey, I'm not that loser Colby. I'm a different guy, a guy you like. Not Colby." In any event, it was Put Up or Shut Up Time 15 days earlier.
Reward Challenge: This challenge, coming just after March Madness, was sort of April Foolery: Full-Contact, Tackle Basketball, played in waist deep water. It's basically the same challenge my beautiful fallen warrior James was injured playing, only with water substituted for mud. Who cares? Without James, it's all meaningless!
The reward is a picnic by a waterfall. Why is it never a night in a high-end local brothel? Just asking. Jeff announced that for the first round: "We will start three men on three men." Coincidentally, Three Men on Three Men is the title of a Chi Chi LaRue DVD Little Dougie just bought. What are the odds?
After making two bum shots, Colby managed to score the first point for the Pathetics, but not until after Voldepussy had made two spectacularly lame shots herself. As Jeff described the second one: "Coach with a rebound, and an opportunity to score, but [she] blows it." (no surprise to me) Why is Voldepussy even playing? It was supposed to be three men on three men. If Chi Chi had stuck Voldepussy into Three Men on Three Men, Little Dougie would have demanded his money back.
The second round was four women on two men. Little Dougie's attention wandered, but in Washington, Bill Clinton suddenly began viewing avidly.
Courtney's skeleton, watching from the sidelines (Courtney's skeleton has sat out every competition it could. The only physical competition it's any good at is scimitar fighting with Sinbad, and he was eliminated.) hollered out: "Coach is a chick!" There. The truth has been uttered aloud. Even Candice's skeleton noticed that Voldepussy is a little girl, with tattoos. At best she's Powder Puff, the Magic Dragonslayer.
Although playing in this round were both Voldepussy, who can't get the ball into the same time-zone as a basket, and Colby, who was body-slamming girls, and Jerri, out of his way like Godzilla playing Bowling for Skyscrapers in downtown Tokyo, nonetheless it was Candice who scored the second point for the Pathetics.
The third round was back to three men on three men, a proven crowd pleaser, at least in Little Dougie's crowd. Bulbous Baggins was aggressively wrestling Rupert, and the entire Insufferable Tribe were praying that the violent agitation underwater was doing some much-needed crust-dissolving on Bulbous's unbathed nether-regions.
Rupert wrestled Bulbous's head-buff off though, leaving Gollum's bald pate exposed. Bulbous was so mad that even after Colby scored the winning point for the Pathetics, he and Rupert were still shoving each other. It was like watching a recess playground-altercation played out by ill-tempered, naked garden gnomes.
"We dropped the hammer on the villains," said Colby, either mired in cliches, or else bragging about how butterfingered they were with their tool belt.
Okay, the waterfall was spectacular. The meal quickly turned on a hair from five bedraggled winners stuffing their happy mouths full of beef and chicken, to silent game players in suspicion mode, once Candice stumbled across a clue to another hidden immunity idol, and instead of keeping it to herself, where she could do herself a little good with it, announced its existence to all.
The idol was in a shallow grave, which is also where the players voted off so far are located, Survivor having finally decided to take its name seriously. JT declared a group idol hunt so that all could share it against the Insufferables. Sure. That'll happen, until the next time the Pathetics find themselves at Tribal Council, and only one of them actually has the idol in his or her or its pocket.
While the Pathetics dined in visual splendor, Bulbous was wooing the Brangelina of the Insufferables, the lesbian couple known as Voldejerri. Mr. Baggins offered to take them with him to be the Final Three, the exact same promise he has made to Danielle, and he's promised Parvati to take her with him to Final Two. Would Voldepussy consent to join Bulbous's harem? Is polygamy legal in Samoa? It's not Utah.
Voldepussy is conflicted. Not being comatose, she doesn't trust Bulbous, but Jerri wants to join The Hobbit Harem. However, she won't unless Voldy will. Did Powder Puff the Magic Dragonslayer assert herself, and refuse Team Bulbous's sulphur-scented offer? Well, as Voldepussy herself put it: "Jerri and I are honor bound to play this game together ..." Have they exchanged Friendship Tattoos? "... But if Jerri says I am in this wholeheartedly with Russell, I really have no choice." There we have it. Voldepussy whipped. She caves. "The waters are so muddied now, and Jerry has muddied them." Jerri has done what to the waters? Are you sure it hadn't just been waded in by Bulbous?
Jerri had been transfixed at Tribal Council by a sight CBS certainly didn't broadcast, though they did air Jerri's vivid description of it. "Honestly, what Russell pulled off last night at Tribal Council, it took huge balls!" I'm very glad I missed seeing that!
Voldepussy and Jerri had a heart-to-heart on the beach, during which Vodlepussy explored how deeply hurt he was by Jerri's hanging out with the cool smelly boy, instead of her, and suddenly I was watching a tween, afterschool soap opera. We had two middle-aged people playing a scene in which they should both have been hugging notebooks, with pictures of The Jonas Brothers or Justin Beiber, laminated on them. I feared Vodlepussy would give Jerri her varsity pin back.
In her litany of rebukes, she bitched to Jerri: "You want to lump me and Russell together," an image so revolting, it even turned off Voldepussy. Jerri's face played a variety of small reactions: "Will she go along with me? Is she insane? What is this mad woman ranting about? Can I distract her with a shiny object?"
Vodlepussy shared a gloriously sexual image with Jerri: "I just can't believe you just threw all of your eggs under Russell's basket." How vivid. But what low aim. One generally tries to get the eggs into the basket, not under it.
"Well, I wouldn't say all my eggs," said Jerri, revealing that she always keeps an ovum or two in reserve.
Jerri now seems to be considering abandoning Voldepussy, because Voldy always wants to be The Good Guy, and you can't win Survivor, Jerri feels, by playing The Good Guy, especially if, like Vodlepussy, and Jerri herself, you're not a guy at all.
Immunity Challenge: I remember this one. Players have to footrace across Annette, which is an unfeeling and rude way to treat a Beloved American Icon. Then they must climb a rope web to retrieve bags of jigsaw puzzle pieces, which the players who haven't trampled America's Favorite Mouseketeer will then have to assemble, once the running players have stampeded back over Annette, carrying their bags. This is the worst role in a beach party movie Annette has ever had.
This is a classic Pathetics Lose scenario: a physical first part where the Pathetics will take a large early lead, and then the soporific viewing of puzzle-solving, where Rob will lead his tribe to another come-from-behind victory. Let's see if History re-repeats itself.
Did the Insufferables even try to take the early part? They had Courtney's skeleton running across Annette. Courtney's skeleton can barely stand erect. It's only held together by dreams. "Courtney lost a ton of time for the Villains," yelled Jeff, as Courtney's skeleton nearly snapped in half, falling and bouncing on Annette.
Sure enough, The Pathetics have the lead when the puzzle-solving commences, and I toddle from the room to freshen my drinks.
Well howdy doo? When I got back to my recliner with a tray full of martinis, JT and Amanda had smoked Rob and Sandra at the puzzle-assembling, and The Pathetics had won Immunity. Somehow, there were no severe injuries suffered by any player during the assembling of the puzzles.
The battle royal between Rob and Bulbous Baggins was back on. Vodlepussy immediately began hustling to get Courtney's skeleton kicked off, which would further weaken Rob's failing alliance, something she should want to keep strong. Also, she played just as poorly and awkwardly as it did.
Rob, Bulbous, Sandra and Courtney's skeleton sat around in a circle, as Rob asked Bulbous who they should vote off, and he pointed at Sandra and Courtney's skeleton one and two feet away from him, and indicated it should be one of those two. Rob was amazed at the ferocious rudeness of it.
"That's not a way to gather friends, I don't think," said Rob, unable to stop laughing at the sheer gall of it. Of course, Bilbous isn't there to win friends. "How do you two feel about that?" asked Rob, who at least isn't acting like they're not sitting there with them.
Sandra's response is predictable: "I don't like it." But Courtney's skeleton realizes that you gain allies with agreement, and says, "Oh no, I think, I think he's right."
Rob consults with Voldepussy, who wants to lose that bitch Courtney's skeleton. Rob of course, needs to keep her, and plays the honor card with Voldepussy, her Achilles Schlemiel. Rob, although not opposed to losing Parvati, thinks getting rid of Russell now would be better than later. He is right. However, Voldepussy is immune to logic.
Voldepussy then goes deal shopping-with-honor, by sitting in on Bulbous as he spins his case for blindsiding Rob. Courtney's skeleton has bypassed the abattoir this week. "Me and Coach," says Bulbous, "We can beat any two guys they can pair up." Excuse me? Both of them played against Colby and Rupert in the Reward Challenge the day before, and got their unwashed behinds handed to them.
Voldepussy still campaigns for Courtney's skeleton, but Bulbous has set his heart on Rob. Danielle asks: "What's the positive to keeping Rob, besides keeping the tribe strong?" Isn't that enough? May I remind her that her tribe just lost two challenges in a row?
"I'm with you guys one hundred percent," said Voldepussy two minutes after shaking hands with Rob, swearing to vote with him against Bulbous. Which honorable vow will the Maid of Honor betray? Vodlepussy agonized, by which I mean whined, over it. I had a martini, and set my footrest to "Vibrate." I gagged just a bit when Voldepussy said how he'd promised to vote with Bulbous against his blood bud Rob: "because Russell crammed it down our throats." Ew. I hope he washed it first.
Jerri lamented, by which I mean whined, "I've aged like five years in one day," severely underestimating the years as usual, as she debated whether to betray Bulbous, or Rob and Voldepussy, or whether she could still swing her life-partner's vote to the Dark Side. Oh the suspense. Oh, this vibrating footrest is heaven. I didn't get this much pleasure from my first or second husbands.
Jerri's summation was: "I'm just not a good villain." What is "a Good Villain"?
Tribal Council: Jeff made the severe mistake of asking Powder Puff the Magic Dragonslayer a simple question, "Is that indicative of a tribe in trouble?" for which he received a simple-minded non-response: "I think that at the dawn of every morning, hope springs eternal." Voldepussy's ability to staple together random cliches, in ways that rob them of what little meaning they ever held, is awesome.
I think that at the heart of every dream, a pencil must be lead.
Vodlepussy waxed nonsensically nostalgic for fallen Tyson: "Not only a great competitor, but also somebody that kind of bridged the gap."
"Where's The Gap?" asked Jeff, who apparently had a sudden craving to buy himself a fresh denim jungle outfit.
Voldepussy then began to define the Gap, by listing a series of gaps between the Insufferables' alliance divisions. I know where the gap is. It's between Voldepussy and Reality, and Tyson didn't so much bridge it, as live on the far side of his own gap.
Bulbous wasn't buying it. He felt losing Tyson "solidified a stronger group of people." Notice the careful way he did not say "unify the tribe."
The conflict/size-comparing of Rob and Bulbous broke out in verbal tribal warfare, admired by Voldepussy, who was mostly concerned with giving camera-love to the feather that had returned to his ear, now that Tyson and his advice were gone.
"My idea of trust and loyalty is different from Russell's." announced Rob. Anyone's idea of the meaning of "Trust" and "Loyalty" will differ from Bulbous's.
Bulbous shot back with: "I put my butt on the line for my people." Well now I know to stay clear of "The Line," unless someone's hosed it off. And he's starting to sound a bit like Moses when he speaks of "My People."
Let's vote!
Russell might have gone home, if Vodlepussy hadn't turned Ultimate Pussy, and threw his vote away on Courtney's skeleton. Even though Rob knew Voldepussy's wussing out on his "Loyalty" had sent him home, Voldy nonetheless reached for a goodbye hug, Rob held her off and slipped away, saying: "You're a little man," to her as he did. I suppose his being upset was responsible for getting the noun gender wrong.
The previews assured us that next week we have major mud-wallowing to savor, while the Insufferables, formerly united by Rob's leadership, go to pieces. Oh goodie.
Cheers darlings.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.