Sorry to be late this week, my darlings. I hope it wasn't too scary for you. I was off to Anaheim, Halloweening at Dilfyland. It wasn't until my adorable neighborhood rugrats came fingering my knockers, shouting "trick or treat," (as always, I gave the kiddies those little airplane-size, miniature bottles of vodka), that I had a chance to sit and view the short, ridiculous reign of Queen Shambles of Galu. What an odd regime that was.
Danger Dave on Shambles: "Even though she's a chick..." Chick? Shambles is probably female. I'm 80% certain she is a woman. She may even, theoretically, have been a "girl" at some time in the dim, distant past, but never was she a "chick." Admittedly, Danger Dave's experience with "chicks" may be, let's say "limited" (Former flight attendant. Has a degree in "Opera." In his mid-30s, yet not married, with no known girl friend.), but his own statements show he has observed her, ah, difference. "Even though she's a chick, [Shambles] doesn't fit in with the other girls, so we have to pull [Shambles] back over to our side, and make sure that [Shambles] is one of the dudes."
Okay, I'll grant them that Shambles is more one of the dudes than she has ever been a "chick," but she doesn't "fit in" with "The Dudes" either. (I'm not 100% certain it was Dave making this silly statement. It sounded like his voice, but it was a whispered phrase, and they didn't label who said it, and they were showing us creepy, flesh-crawling night-vision shots of Shambles herself, which was the scariest thing I saw this Halloween.)
My position remains unchanged: Shambles broke the snorkel, let a chicken escape, has ties of friendship to Tribe Zsa Zsa, and is an idiot. The smartest thing Tribe Galu could do would be to get rid of her before the merge comes, and she betrays all of them. Why don't the people on these shows shot months ago ever take my advice?
Erik, aka "Mr. Class," has an endgame for the Shambles-as-one-of-the-dudes plan: "When we're down to The Final Five, we can burn her, no problem. Bros before hos, period." Erik, two points:
(1) Shambles is no more a "ho" than she is a 'chick."
(2) Bros don't have periods.
Russell (Formerly "Psycho Russell," but now the only Russell, unless you count the "Krumper" - I have no idea what that word means - who's a savant at all styles of dance, over on the current season of So You Think You can Dance. I believe that now all Reality TV shows are required by a new FCC regulation to have a minimum of one "Russell" each in their casts. There is no maximum. An all-Russells cast is fine, even preferable.) has no sense of proportion, relativity nor reality: "Man, I was stoked. Like, ah, we have a shot at this. You know, we got - it's five to eight now? It's pretty damn close." Well, it's closer than the moon is to Tustin, but Zsa Zsa is still way behind, not to mention Zsa Zsa's major handicap: they have Russell the Sock-Burner.
Russell has also relented on shafting Liz. "I'd rather just win three in a row and then get rid of her." And I'd rather be crammed between Gerard Butler and Hugh Jackman in an obscene sandwich than writing this, but I'm stuck in Reality. Russell, try winning one in a row first.
Over at Camp Galu, Erik has had a brilliantly idiotic idea. The guys will elect Shambles as their new leader. Since Shambles was Shambles's choice for leader from day one, this would lead her deep into the illusion that they share her self-image. The problem is that Shambles is highly likely to take the role seriously, and this incompetent boob can't watch a chicken in a cage without losing the chicken, and possibly the cage too, can't go for a leisurely skindive without ruining the snorkel, and can't go to a hairstylist without coming back looking like Billy Ray Cyrus with a bad perm. It would be like electing Curly Howard to be leader of The Three Stooges, letting Levi Johnston run your local chapter of Planned Parenthood, or appointing George W. Bush President of the United States.
A very fast rigged election gave the job to Shambles. Monica or Laura (They're interchangeable and identical) said, "I thought the way to elect the new leader was stupid." Laura or Monica, your sentence had too many words. Try this: "I thought the new leader was stupid." See? Brevity, clarity, and Truth. Laurica added: "We were supposed to be sending [Shambles] home last night. I'm wondering, if there was a vote last night, would I have been one of the people voted for?" Well, let's see. The four guys just elected a blithering idiot Tribe Leader en masse. Yeah, Laurica, you had a narrow escape, whomever you are. (Or was it Moncra who had the narrow escape?)
Shambles's first act as Fake Leader was to make a speech: "I will honestly, honestly, honestly do my due diligence to not be bossy, 'cause you can't really be a sergeant in the United States Marine Corp, and not have an expectation that when you say something, things will happen." Yes, if there's anything Marine Corp sergeants never are, it's "bossy." And when an elected leader uses the word "honestly," you can be certain they are lying. When they use it three times before moving on to another word, you know they can't think of another word. If I were a member of Galu, I'd already be demanding a recount.
Danger Dave has noticed one of the one hundred fifty flaws in their make-Shambles-the-leader plan: "The only strategic drawbacks I can think of is that [Shambles] is just so dim, that she could screw up our plans if we tell her anything." I think Dave is underestimating Shambles. She's perfectly capable of screwing up their plans without having any notion of them whatever. Shambles pretty much announced back in episode one that she wasn't really a planner anyway. She lives in the moment. Sufficient unto the day is the stupidity thereof. Planning is for pussies. Thinking things over is for wimps. Shambles isn't merely dim. She's an intellectual black hole.
Reward Challenge: Jeff Probst, noticing that Shambles is now Galu's leader, asks her if she's surprised, as he tried to conceal that he's flummoxed. Shambles is nothing if not impressed with herself.
Jeff: "Surprised?"
Shambles: "Not so much," Proof right there of how dim she is. "I've had a lifetime a leadership skills, through just the way I was raised, second-generation Marines, so I just gotta keep things in perspective and be calm." So she's already lost all sense of perspective. Now, I am certain that there are many second-generation Marines who are indeed skilled leaders, but just the mere fact of being a second-generation Marine doesn't impart leadership skills, particularly if you're an idiot. And even if Shambles were a 20th generation Marine, she'd still be a dimwit. Laurica and Moncra were biting their cheeks to try, unsuccessfully, to avoid smirking.
The challenge resembled the classic game show Concentration. Each turn a player would uncover two hidden useful tools. If they made a match, the leader could choose to win a point, or keep the tool. The winning team would win a cruise on a sailboat and "a nice lunch." The winning team also would send a spy to the losing tribe.
Now obviously, a smart and pragmatic leader, in other words, not the departed Black Russell, would realize that the long-term benefits of the tools far outweighed the pleasure of a cruise and the "nice lunch," and would take all matched tools, and let the other team take have the lunch, although this would probably win him or it the ire of the less pragmatic tribe members, the ones who are ladies who lunch.
Shambles's leadership skills were instantly put to the test. Since Galu outnumbers Zsa Zsa, she had to chose three members to sit out the challenge. First off, she chose herself. Hello? I choose me to kick back and watch. I'm a leader. But this meant she had to delegate leadership to someone else to choose points or tools. So her first act as leader was to abdicate leadership. Hmm. Maybe this was a good decision.
And we quickly saw her decisiveness. Asked whom she chose to make decisions for the team in the challenge, she replied without a moment's thought (thinking is for pussies.), "Erik."
Danger Dave: "No, no, Brett, Brett, Brett." (Who?)
Shambles: "I stand corrected. Brett." Who is leader here, Shambles, you or "Dick Cheney" Dave, or whoever is loudest in your ear? (Since Brett has had less than a full minute of screen time so far this season, and has spoken, I think, a total of 17 words on screen, I haven't a clue as to why Dave felt it necessary to chose Brett over Erik. But then Shambles hasn't a clue about anything.)
It was a slow-starting challenge. Jeff got to say "no match," a lot, but he never got to add "and the board goes back."
Laurica made the first match, a firestarter kit (a flint and wood, not a pissed-off Drew Barrymore.), and Brett proved he had some stones by keeping the kit rather than the point. "Thank God," Shambles piped in from the sidelines, expressing a remarkably high opinion of Brett. He's not even a god, let alone "God."
Then Jeff got surprisingly personal, announcing, "Liz, with her first time out on the course, would love to 'get lucky'." Jeff, Liz's romantic desires are irrelevant to the challenge, and none of your business. Isn't that sexual harassment?
When Liz uncovered a cleaver ("Good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver.") whose match had been previously uncovered, and had to concentrate on remembering where the other cleaver was, Moncra - or was it Laurica? - on the other team, began unconsciously pointing towards it. Erik had to actually say to her, "Don't point."
Laurica's idiot response was "I'm not pointing. I'm just pointing out the rows." Are you pointing, Moncra, or are you not pointing? Which is it? (She was pointing.) We can all see the rows for ourselves. Whichever woman she is, she's terribly stupid. But not as stupid as Liz, who failed to remember where the cleaver was, instead uncovering the match for mosquito netting. Brett, apparently not a fool (it's literally the first time we've seen him do anything!) marched right out decisively, and matched the netting, and then opted for the point this time.
Now out marched blonde and vacant Natalie. All she had to do was uncover the two cleavers. She uncovered a hammock and a pot. As nice as some pot would be, the woman is truly a shapely waste of flesh.
At this point, the show's film editor grew bored with the game, apparently never a fan of Concentration. Convinced that we would grow as bored as he did while playing along at home, he started editing to high points instead of letting us watch and play along. Nothing like having a competition edited by someone with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Rocket Scientist John, possessor of an unfair advantage, he's smart, matched the cleavers. Apparently not feeling the need to dismember anyone, Galu took the points.
Now the editor was really bored. Jeff's play-by-play was played back overlapping, and points were awarded bing, bing, bing, without our seeing or hearing what was uncovered, what was chosen, and whether Russell was any good at the challenge. Jeepers. If the producers hated the challenge so much, why bother to show it at all? Why not just announce the outcome and skip it altogether? I wanted to watch it (I used to love Concentration. I was hoping they'd uncover a rebus to solve.), but all viewing pleasure the challenge might have held was destroyed by, basically, editing the game out of the game. The production team was making poorer decisions than Shambles. That takes work.
We did get to see Galu find a new snorkel, but then Brett, forgetting that his Fearless Leader had ruined the snorkel they had, and oblivious to the fact that they held a substantial lead over perennial losers Zsa Zsa, took the point. Bad choice, Brett.
Only after the challenge was over (Galu won, of course. I knew that without even tuning in. Tribe Zsa Zsa are losers.), did we learn that at some never-shown point in the challenge, Galu had matched a canvas tarp, and having learned at least one lesson from the mistakes of their pathetic fallen leader, had taken the tarp over the point. They still had won 7 to 3.
Asked to choose the spy to visit Zsa Zsa who would miss out on the cruise and the lunch, Shambles, not about to send herself, sent Laurica, or was it Moncra, to "keep our guys strong."
Some blonde bimbo named Kelly, who can be told apart from Natalie only by virtue of the fact that she's on Galu rather than Zsa Zsa, made this stunningly weird observation about Shambles choice to send Laurica to Zsa Zsa : "Now that [Shamble]'s chief, it's like she was raised in a trailer park, married a rich guy [Shambles married? To a man yet? No, that's not what it's like], now she's driving around in a Jagwire [Kelly probably meant "Jaguar," but that is not what she said.], treating everyone like crap, you know. [That's so unfair. She was just treating Laurica like crap.] She sent [Laurica] over to the other tribe, and [Laurica]'s one of our strongest females. [Shambles is the closest Galu has got to a strong female, and she's an idiot.] I don't know if she has strategy. I don't know if she's just pulling this out of the inside of her ass. I don't know." While there's plenty of storage space in Shambles's ample rear, she did state her strategy, to keep the men strong for challenges, although the Concentration challenge required brains rather than brawn, and held no gender advantage.
Zsa Zsa left with no cruise, no lunch, not even any tools won. All they won was Laurica or Moncra, and they were going to have to give her back the next day. Yes Russell, you really do "have a shot now," at the title of Lamest Survivor Tribe Ever.
Laurica, falling for the same bull Shambles did, thought every one at Zsa Zsa was so "friendly." You see, they spoke to her politely, and didn't spit on her. Russell may even have been a little too friendly!
Russell to Moncra: "Wanna come with me, and find some crabs?" Ew. Too much information, Russell.
Whoever-She-Is started asking about Russell's family. We learned he has twin daughters (poor kids), and that his dad was a "preacher." Clearly Russell learned no morals or ethics from his dad (or from anyone else.), showing once again, the "value" of a religious upbringing. Of course, southern preachers are not exactly known for honesty or integrity anyway. So Russell is Elmer Gantry Jr.? That makes a sick sort of sense. And then again, since it was Russell saying it, there's every chance his father was an oil man, or even more likely, a regiment just in his mother's town for the night.
Laurica, granted substantial screen time for the first time, managed quickly to pass from being someone who was a cipher, to someone loathsome. Please. I hate having to side with Shambles. But we learned Laurica studied "theology," (Like it's an actual science, instead of a con game), with a degree in "Women's Ministry," (not to be confused with physics or history, or any real subject) and said, "I don't want to be a pastor of men. " (Good) "I don't believe that that's a woman's role." What? What century did they import her from? Religious, sexist, and accepting herself as inferior to men? She's hit the Ignorance Trifecta!
Russell, listening to Laurica's babble and realizing that here was a woman who could believe anything, immediately began his usual line of telling his patsies what they most want to hear, and proposing the latest of his 87 different alliances. He knew just the soft soap to use on her, the same brand her brain has already been washed with: "I can spot a 'Good Christian' anytime. It's easy..." So can I, They're the dead ones. Of course, the primary reason to spot them is in order to avoid them, but that's not where Russell was going with this, "... So I really like you now." Of course he does. Russell just loves stupid women who will believe any line of bull he feeds them, and Moncra might as well have had "Gullible Moron" tattooed on her forehead.
And true to form for a "Theology Student," Laurica bought Russell's sincere act all the way. As they walked off down the beach, Russell told her to throw away her Hidden Immunity Idol Clue. "There's no Immunity Idol here." he said of the idol in his pocket as he walked beside her, "Ben found it and didn't play it." Barnum said there was a fool born every minute. Laurica was the designated fool for the minute in which she was born.
Jeff said the winning team's cruise would be on a "sailboat." Yes, and the Queen Mary is a dinghy. The "sailboat" turned out to be a three-masted ship. It looked like Clark Gable had just set Charles Laughton adrift from it. (Okay, Mel Gibson had just set Anthony Hopkins adrift. Please, younger readers, turn on Turner Classic Movies sometime.)
This is how Erik, mastermind behind the Shambles Leadership, described approaching this ship: "We're on this rowboat, headed towards a pirate ship in the middle of the island of Samoa." No, Erik, you're at sea, and if it were a pirate ship, you'd have been well-advised to avoid it. They called them cutthroats because they'd cut your throat. This is a schooner, neither owned nor operated by "Pirates."
However, the adolescent pirate ship imagery was stuck in all of Galu's minds. Moncra or Laurica, whichever one wasn't at Zsa Zsa, was at the wheel yelling "Ahoy matey!" Even more embarrassing was Danger Dave, blithering, "I feel like the captain of a pirate ship, ready to go rob some booty." Oh please. First off, one doesn't "rob booty." Booty is a term for the spoils of robbing innocent victims. Get a clue. Secondly, if you guys really felt like pirates, why weren't you raping the "wenches" on board, murdering your hosts, and stealing their ship? Don't they get that pirates weren't Fun Guys who loved harmless mischief? They were degenerate, usually maimed, thugs who murdered, raped and pillaged. They were the scum of the earth. It's one thing for a ten year old boy whose only knowledge of pirates came from Peter Pan and Robert Louis Stevenson to romanticize pirates, but not for educated grown ups. Go tell the people of Somalia how "fun" pirates are.
For their "nice lunch" (something you wouldn't get from pirates), they had stew, bread, and "scones." Yes, Captain Kidd and Bluebeard were always serving their "guests" scones, though they were hard to swallow with your throat slit open.
Over at Zsa Zsa, while trying to make fire to cook that tribe's not-nice lunch (No scones!), Liz was becoming understandably irritated as, behind her, Laurica was running her mouth to Natalie about her and her husband riding their Harley's down to Starbuck's for coffee, with neither Natalie nor Laurica helping Liz make lunch in any way. "We ride our Harley's a lot. We have a good group, our pastor and his wife and a bunch of their friends have them. We're not like these really badass people." Well, duh. They're the Goodass Bikers. Heaven's Demons. Didn't Brando do a film about them? The Mild Ones? Then Laurica and Natalie held their book club, discussing with which puerile, "inspirational" books they had befouled their minds. (Natalie knew she had read one, she just couldn't remember what it was. But she was positive it was about being positive.) I sympathized with Liz. Being subjected to conversations like that would have ruined my appetite too. Just hearing it on TV was almost putting me off my vodka.
But Liz went and complained about it to Russell, whom she has not yet absorbed is her enemy. "Liz is so stupid," said Russell with some accuracy, "I don't even see how she can walk without falling down. ... I have to keep Natalie for my little toy..." Okay, now Russell is beginning to sound like a southern Lionel Atwill in full libertine mode. "...She has to be there so I can manipulate her little mind, and do what I want her to do." By the way, is it just me, or is Russell gaining weight while playing Survivor? How is that even possible?
Oh, and far be it from me to complain, but my future ex-husband Jaison is getting far too little screen time lately, especially shirtless. I've seen more than enough of Russell's bug bitten flab, and way too much of Shambles's mullet. Where's the eye candy?
Immunity Challenge: This one involved rowing out into the sea to fish for pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, to then take back and assemble. Oh joy. The Concentration game, which would have been fun to watch and play along with, was skimmed over, but now we get assembling a jigsaw puzzle, one of the all-time least-riveting spectator sports. They had to eliminate Assembling Jigsaw Puzzles from the Olympics because of an international incident when, during the 1924 finals, two of the judges, along with most of the crowd, actually died of boredom. One concessionaire went broke selling T-shirts that said "Find the edge pieces!"
When asked to select tribemates to sit out, Shambles had difficulty remembering Rocket scientist John's name. Well I don't imagine they've talked much, his IQ being hers squared and all. And really, why would you want a rocket scientist for the brains-required puzzle-solving part of a challenge, anyway? Laurica and Moncra were also benched, which at least made some sense.
Tribe Zsa Zsa, realizing that "Go out there and lose one for the gipper" wasn't really a working strategy for them, had come up with a new stratagem to turn things around. They'd left MickMoron's leadership necklace back at camp, because it was "Bad Luck." Good plan, idiots. Nice to see how Laurica's irrational beliefs had had a positive effect. Over on Galu, you'd get Shambles's leadership necklace away from her only when you pry it from her cold, dead neck.
Zsa Zsa started off well. Since the water was only waist deep, and Jaison is very tall, they didn't bother with rowing much, and Jaison just pushed their boat out. Galu finally noticed how this was working for them, and hopped out to do the same, but Zsa Zsa had gotten an early lead.
Danger Dave, fishing for puzzle pieces, was being distracted and annoyed by Shambles's constant cheerleading and backseat instructions. "[Shambles], can you be quiet? That's be great." She ignored him, and kept yapping, which was clearly fraying his nerves. Dave, you made her leader, and a leader must lead, especially when she doesn't know her role was just a blind to win her loyalty. They put the "Sham" in Shambles.
They continued thusly. Dave: "I'm Concentrating. I need silence, if you please."
Shambles: "You can do it, Dave."
Dave: "Be quiet!"
Shambles: "Come on, baby. I gotcha. I gotcha."
Zsa Zsa arrived back with the puzzle pieces slightly ahead of Galu, but Jaison was now exhausted from pushing the boat through the water, which is much harder work than just paddling.
Then Jeff started suggesting aloud that the puzzle might have gaps in it as part of its pattern. It did, and his telling them that constituted helping them. "If you've got a pattern, then follow it." Why not just solve it for them, big mouth? Jeff, in the words of Danger Dave: Be Quiet! They have to do it for themselves.
Not that it really mattered. Galu, of course, won. Seems the answer to Zsa Zsa's endless lameness wasn't The Curse of the Leadership Necklace. Go figure.
Russell was quick to point the finger of responsibility away from himself, though if he contributed in any way to Zsa Zsa's challenge efforts, I missed it. He didn't work on the puzzle, he didn't fish for puzzle pieces, he didn't push the boat. He did a bit of paddling.
But he pontificated thusly: "These idiots are probably going to cost me a million dollars..." But Russell, you said back in episode one that you just were there to show how easy it was to win Survivor. Are you saying that it isn't easy? That you were running your mouth on empty? Your loss will be their fault, not yours? "... I was planning on having a lot of fun with the money. A lot of fun!" Okay, I thought you said you didn't need the money. That you were already rich. Has Russell been lying to us as well as them? Probably. "Maybe we need to get rid of Jaison." Okay Russell, you were funny up to a point, but hands off my future ex-husband, slimeball!
"It's amazing to me," said Russell of Jaison, "That he can't get these puzzles down..." I haven't seen you solve any puzzles, cracker boy. "... He sure ain't gonna be my attorney." Well who says he intends to go into criminal law? Whoever Russell gets to defend him whenever his cons finally catch up to him (a man who advances himself through deceit on TV will do so in real life as well, as everyone from Richard Hatch to Adam Jasinski has repeatedly proved.), I hope it's someone highly incompetent.
Russell to MickMoron, "Jaison went to friggin' Oxford, Stamford? Jeeze!" I don't know what they taught at whatever community college Russell flunked out of (or, more likely, was expelled from for cheating. Actually, there's nothing in his official CBS bio to indicate he ever went to any college at all.), but I doubt solving jigsaw puzzles is part of the curriculum at Oxford.
Jaison stupidly began blabbing to Liz about how he felt he'd been dead weight at the puzzle and that, for all he knew, they were voting him out that night. Why don't you just ask her to campaign against you? She knew she'd been dead meat at the last council, and here you are, offering yourself up to be a target. Shut up! Liz was in Russell's ear, deflecting the target from herself to Jaison, at light-speed. She couldn't have been happier about it.
Russell, pondering the "merits" of voting out Liz versus voting out Jaison: "The thing with Jaison, I still think I can trust the guy, but, you know, we still gotta think about winning in challenges. We're losing with the team we have. We're gotta find some way to win. Something has to give." Thinking about winning is pretty much all they can do now. I have an idea. How about voting out a certain fat little viper from Texas? Jaison didn't help much with the puzzle, but he helped more than Russell did.
Tribal Council: "Well there's no use going over the dismal facts," said, Jeff, less than a breath before doing exactly that, "losing eight out of ten challenges, or the fact that, after tonight, you'll be down to four members, while Galu holds strong at eight, one of the worst overall performances out of any tribe in the history of the game." It may not have been any use, but that sure didn't stop him.
Russell admitted that he was just hoping for the merge now, "Because one thing I can promise you. Them kids over there, there's no way in hell that they can outwit me." You're not in hell, Russell. Hell is where you left your family to come to Samoa. Hell is that area between Oklahoma and Mexico.
Liz, always quick to dispel the Asian stereotype of intelligence, announced, "I absolutely trust each and every one of these people up here with me." I guess sometimes idiocy is bliss.
MickMoron also earned my nickname for him by stating that trust was at the "absolute core" of Zsa Zsa's survival. Hasn't he noticed that Tribe Zsa Zsa isn't surviving?
Russell, wanting to sound just as stupid as his tribemates to keep all that misplaced trust in place, said, "If we can just keep [this] four together, then you'll see, you'll see. Then the whole thing's going to change." Yes, whatever four is left are going to then start whittling down the tribe that outnumbers them two to one and has beaten them eight out of ten times. And then, pixies will fly out of Russell's butt, and turn mud into chocolate.
Jaison decided to take a different path to showing his brainlessness as part of the Zsa Zsa tribe. (So brainless is Tribe Zsa Zsa, that the name I gave them back in episode one now seems appropriate in ways I never imagined.) Jaison's demonstration of sustained idiocy was to sit there at Tribal Council just before an elimination vote, and point out all the inadequacies of his own challenge performances, as though begging to be voted out. I wanted to slap his face, but I didn't have a box to stand on. Shut up, my lanky darling.
Fortunately, it was Liz who found herself unanimously voted out by these people she absolutely trusted. Jeff couldn't resist pointing out the tribe's one skill: "Well you haven't been very successful at challenges, but you're getting really good at blindsides."
In the preview of next week, surprise, surprise, the merge comes, and Russell's fantasy of the four members of Zsa Zsa now turning the tide and eroding away at Galu's double-size are gone. Galu has missed their chance to be rid of Shambles before her Zsa Zsa friends ride in to aid her, and Galu, instead of pressing their advantage, will be trying to win Zsa Zsa votes against Moncra, Laurica, Shambles, and even Erik. I don't need to see Russell to know how smug he'll be. The one good thing? How short Shambles's "leadership" of Galu was.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.