Oscar Watch 09: a Dark & Stormy Knight

03/05/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Hello darlings. When the Oscar nominations were announced, one thing was clear; The Oscars are trying to lose viewers. Paul Blart: Mall Cop has already grossed more than all 5 Best Picture nominees combined. I understand that The Oscars are not supposed to be a popularity contest. That's why I never won one. But neither is it supposed to be an unpopularity contest. With nominees like these, Huge Jackman will have to host naked to win back viewers. (Huge, I'm serious. Host naked. No really. Do it.)

A little picture called The Drunk Knight was the biggest money-earner of 2009, somehow outgrossing The Love Guru, without being anywhere near as gross. I was surprised, since The Drunk Knight is just another one of those endless make-a-movie-out-of-a-60s-TV-series movies, like Bewitched, and Car 54 Where Are You? Yet, despite great reviews, critical respectability, directoral brilliance, and huge profits, it has not been nominated for Best Picture or Best Director. In fact, so offended are all concerned that the lone actor to have been nominated from it has vowed not to attend the ceremony.

Have you heard about this little batmovie? It got no press at all. It's about a nutty gay shepherd/cowboy trying to break into stand-up comedy by staging street theater comedy pranks ("Hey Gotham City ferry passengers; you've just been punked!"), and simplifying Gotham City's healthcare options, only to be unjustly persecuted by a two-faced D.A. and Zorro, because he accidentally snuffed his boyfriend's sister. It's pretty good for a low-budget indie.

My friend, Little Kent Levine, over on his blog wrote a piece about it, pointing out that in the movie, many of Gotham's residents and gangsters are occasionally mildly inconvenienced by some of the events, and noticing that Gotham only seems to get an hour of daylight every day. From this, he ventured to ask the question: "Why would anyone live in Gotham City?"

I could not let a question so insulting to Gotham City, The Paris of America. (Albeit, the Paris of the 13th Century.), stand unanswered.

"Why would anyone live in Gotham City?"

Well for one thing, for The Theater.

The restaurants are legendary.

The low melanoma rate.

The only sane response to the place is heavy drinking.

It hasn't gotten all cheap, flashy, and corporate, like Metropolis.

"It's Egg-citing!" says Egghead.

Affordable rents.

Many rodents, but some of them fight crime.

Spamlot still open.

Ferry boats not crowded anymore.

New employment opportunities constantly turning up.

You can still find a reliable butler.

Free-range penguins.

That Spiderman dickhead never visits.

Constant urban renewal.

Citizenry very accepting of alternative lifestyles and modes of dress.

It's so unspoiled.

Boys in tights befriended.

Because if you move away, the Joker wins.

No longer "Campy".

The bats there don't drink your blood, although the clowns might.

The Police Commissioner used to be Dracula, yet someone else is called Batman.

District Attorney Dent soft on gambling.

Capes still in fashion.

Apparently impossible to get a speeding ticket.

Disney Company about to open a "Tragic Kingdom."

Big profits to be made investing in bat guano futures.

George Dubya Bush is not the Mayor.

They're still casting Survivor: Gotham City.

Arnold Schwarzenegger moved away.

World-class spelunking.

Lex Luthor and Donald Trump leave it alone.

Nicer than Fresno.

Cheers darlings.

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