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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Small Minds and Giant Jesus.

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When episode 6 of Survivor: Zombie Island got underway, we had arriving on Zombie Island (Which isn't an island. Liars!), blond (in both the hair and the blond-jokes sense) Klumpp, snuggling up with equally blond (also in both senses) Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, the Christian med student. Klumpp had an immediate assessment: "Even with talking with him for the first five minutes I fill [sic] like he had so much more substance than half the people that I was with on my tribe for the last fourteen days."

First off, this sentence (and the ones leading up to it that I haven't quoted) amount to more total verbiage than she's spoken on the air in all the previous episodes combined.

Secondly, she would think that a devout Christian who thinks his god has time to meddle in who wins a TV show competition (It always amazes me how the religious think their imaginary gods have time to micro-manage their lives for them.) has "substance." That substance would be fool's gold.

But then, given that she spent most of that time with Stephanie, aka Squeaky the Manson Girl, and the Dark Lord of Mordor, Russell, she might be right. But the others all had sense enough to vote her and Russell out, clearly all the others on Viva Zapata are more substantial than she is.

The conversation scintillated. Klumpp: "Do you pray a lot?"

Dr. Jesus: "Oh yeah. Man, I've been doing it whenever I can." Whenever he can? What else has he got to do out there all alone on Zombie Island but pray to his Jesus, the most-popular zombie of all time? Does he pencil in prayer after lunch?

Dr. Jesus: "I really think, like, God put me here." Oh yes, a man of substance, as in substantially stupid. Doc, your God is busy teaching Japan a lesson it will never forget for not being a Christian nation, and managing a supernova five galaxies away. It was Palin's Pimp and Boston Rob who put you there.

Back at Viva Zapata, Squeaky sits alone, now openly ostracized from the rest of her tribe, shunned. She's a very strategic player, and has strategically painted herself into a dank corner. Good place for her.

Steve's feelings were hurt because The Manson Girls had voted for him, the only person on the tribe who had wanted to bring them "back in." He's over that foolishness. He spoke to Squeaky, wanting to know why she voted for him.

Squeaky the crazy waitress explained to this professional athlete and 13 year veteran of the NFL that her vote was intended to strengthen the tribe. If so, why didn't she vote for herself?

She told us: "I am gonna, you know, not be too crazy..." Way too late for that! "...'Cause I don't want to get sent to Redemption Island." Fruitcakes, your best hope of not getting sent to Zombie Island is for your tribe to win the Immunity challenge. But she mended fences by telling Steve that she "didn't ask for your opinion." She called that strengthening her position on the tribe. Steve called it: "Basically tightening the rope around her neck." Please allow me to help oil the hinges on the her gallows trap door.

Over on Ete Poem (The word "Ometepe" does nothing for me, so I've scrambled it to sound like real words), the Airhead Twins, Natalie and Ashley-or-Andrea, had a plan for the day's chores: "We should have another beach day." Yes, because they haven't had one since yesterday, and their goal to achieve full melanoma by Day 39 is falling a bit behind.

I could have lived my entire life quite happily without seeing the revolting close-up of Natalie digging with pliers into a zit in Ashley-or-Andrea's armpit. It's Must-Retch TV.

Ashley-or-Andrea mocked the other tribe members for working, but it was okay for her to do that because: "I've worked hard all my life..." She's 25. "...I was a basketball player. I was in pageants. It's not like I'm lazy." Yes dear, your having participated in that hideous, sexist anachronism beauty pageants, and your having played a children's school-recess game, certainly shows your hardscrabble work ethic, as does your lying around tanning and letting Natalie do peculiar things to you with hand tools while all about you, everyone else is actually working. It just looks like you're lazy to the people who will be writing names on ballots next time they go to Tribal Council. Good strategy.

Andrea-or-Ashley wasn't about to be left out of the fun, and asked Natalie to braid her hair for her. Is this Survivor or a 14-year-old's slumber party? At least it got Natalie to stop rooting about in Ashley-or-Andrea's blemishes with finely-made Craftsman handtools. I had begun to think I was seeing a movie about The Spanish Inquisition made by Russ Meyer. (R.I.P. Russ. For a sleaze merchant, you were a lovely, kind man.)

Phillip, aka Special Agent Dumb Ass, aka Big Mouth, aka Agent 00-Zero, asked the girls to check on the fire every half hour or so. Ashley-or-Andrea had already mocked him to us for checking on the fire every half-hour. After all, how could an untended fire go out in a mere half hour?

Agent Dumb Ass: "If I go to Redemption Island before Ashley and Natalie, there's something wrong with the game." I have an alternative theory. If he goes to Zombie Island before the Nicaraguan Tanning Club, it might be because there's something wrong with him. However, he is, for now, protected by Rob's decision to keep him around, so the target's on him instead of on Rob.

Natalie: "I have a headache."

Ashley-or-Andrea: "I have a stomach ache."

Tallulah Morehead: "I have a hangover."

Klumpp received a pink Bible as Treemail, as her "luxury item." Palin's Pimp is now an enabler. Why not just give them regular firewood and toilet paper? It turns out that Klumpp, already known to have the IQ of an exceptionally-stupid amoeba, is another Jesus Freak. I should have expected it. The virus of Christian belief has always found easily-accessed abodes in weak minds. Suddenly the idiot blather started pouring out of her: "My strong relationship with Lord..." No, I didn't omit "the" from before "Lord." She did. Apparently they're on a first-title basis. "... It's strength and guidance you can't find anywhere else." Have you tried looking for strength and guidance anywhere else? Here's some guidance: throw that Bronze Age tripe in the fire, and try reading Richard Dawkins's great book The God Delusion. She had more to say along these lines, but I was getting nauseous.

Oh no! Both competitors in the next Zombie Duel are devout Christian airheads! (Who will show up next? Victoria Jackson?) How will their imaginary god ever decide which of them to make the winner, as they themselves can accomplish nothing on their own, since God decides all, right down to which products get "placed." Why even get out of bed? Poor God, why can't She ever attract any believers with brains? Oh right. I just remembered why.

We were "treated" to listening to the two idiots praying out loud. Hey, Palin's Pimp, if I wanted to go to church, I would. Save it for The 700 Club. I'm serious. If I weren't recapping this for my fans, I'd have switched it off right then. (I hope you readers appreciate the sacrifices I make for you: watching pit zits probed, seeing Agent Dumb Ass's dumb ass through his saggy fuchsia panties, and now enduring praying. I'm not paid enough for this!)

Dr. Jesus: "Both of us have really been struggling with not having a faith community, and other believers to kinda lean on, and talk with about our beliefs." Translation: it's hard to maintain full-strength delusions when surrounded by people who are not brain-slaves to the Dark Ages, instead of the mass of enablers who normally prop up our fantasy world.

Zombie Island Duel for Redemption: The blond are battling the blond. The spectators who showed up were Andrea-or-Ashley, Natalie, Julie, and Mike.

The challenge was not reciting Bible verses, nor naming the Disciples like Tom Sawyer had to do. (I think I can name them. There's 12 right?: Judas, John, Simon, Fred, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Alphonse, Donder, Blitzen, Prancer, and Sayid. Did I miss anyone?) It was familiar elements. They had to use grappling hooks to retrieve three bags of balls. Then they had to run one ball through a tilting table maze. Well then, why do they have to retrieve three balls? Do they just toss the other two out? Retrieving those two excess ball bags is as pointless as their earlier praying.

Klumpp may have an advantage. My guess is she's more experienced at sinking her hooks into bags full of balls than he is. But I could be wrong.

Sure enough, Klumpp retrieved her bags before Dr. Jesus did. Doc Savior was being very gentle with his bags of balls, as you would expect a man to be, whereas Klumpp was tossing her hook and yanking them in quickly.

But God decided that Dr. Jesus would win. Klumpp must have sinned. Well Klumpp, where's your savior now, see? Maybe this will help her lose her faith, and come back to Reality. Of course, if God had meant for women to beat men, Adam would have been made from Eve's rib.

Klumpp proved to be a sore loser, in that, before she left, she gave Dr. Jesus her pink Bible. Talk about a booby prize. Now all the other Jesus Freaks will mock him for having a pink Bible, like one of those fancy-pants Sodomites, and they'll have no choice but to stone him to death. Leviticus is quite clear on that point.

Klumpp: "Matt's a ... a [sic] extremely strong believer, and I think, you know, that might be one of the reasons he's doing so well out there." This is a misuse of the word "think." So the reason Klumpp lost was that Dr. Jesus has stronger delusions than she does? Man oh man, is she a meathead. But she's neat. She folded her buff up all square and tidy before dropping it in the fire.

But Klumpp wasn't finished in her assault on my stomach, in her 15 minute campaign to make me vomit. She had one last blast of nauseating idiocy to level at us, and it hit it's mark: "Matt and I had agreed that, at the end of the duel today, it would be God's will that was done, and it was." Why does your God hate you, Klumpp? Is it Eve's sin? I'd speculate further, but I need to go empty my puke bucket.

Said Dr. Jesus of Klumpp's pink Bible: "That book just breathes life." It does? It has lungs? Man, these two are stupid.

But there was a good side to this. Up to this point, Andrea-or-Ashley was still deep into her showmance with Dr. Jesus, rooting for him to win every challenge and rise from the dead. But seeing Doc Savior being all lovey-dovey, wibbly-Bibly with Klumpp in their shared madness pushed her jealousy button. Heck hath no fury like a 21 year old girl scorned for a dippy Jesus Freak. Suddenly she saw the wisdom of keeping him out of the game, so his Faith made him yet another enemy. God works in mysterious ways, when micro-managing a TV game show.

Sarita got an abscessed tooth. Ow. Julie thought she was just a "drama queen princess." Julie dear, is that your qualified medical diagnosis as a fireman? I had an abscessed tooth last month, and it wasn't a joke; it was agony. (Fun game: see if you can pick out which of these columns I wrote last month while moaning in pain, and stuffed full of Vicodin.)

Apparently Sarita had been cleaning her teeth with sticks, dirty sticks. (Well, has she a way of sterilizing sticks?) This is not a smart thing to do. Why not just rub animal droppings into an open cut? Is she trying to make herself ill?

I've been waiting for some time for David to show us some of his personality, to get a handle on him apart from knowing he's smart, and has a nasty temper. Well he went right to my bad side this week, by offering to Squeaky to ally with her to oust Sarita, for being "high maintenance." David, if you end up saving that crazy, annoying girl, you will be going right into my Hate List. If you want to oust Sarita, okay, but Squeaky first. The last of the Filth of Russell must be washed away.

He recommended to her talking to each tribe member, and not to be "pushy at all." That's impossible for her. He said: "I'm gonna go haul some wood," so I guess he found talking to Squeaky more exciting than I ever could. We watched her lie back to "think how to suck up to people I hate," while she picked her nose on camera. This is about the most revolting episode of Survivor since the days of eating rats.

"Why didn't I learn this in school?" Squeaky asked. Why indeed? That's generally the only thing most people do learn in school. Sucking up to people you hate is how you pass classes from horrible teachers, and how you survive in high school society. It's also how you get your allowance raised. Did she just drop out? (Wouldn't surprise me.)

Over at Ete Poem, Agent Dumb Ass noticed lovely clouds moving about, and decided a storm was coming. I guess he's a former Federal Meteorologist also. So he prudently decided to gather some wood, and politely ordered the three tribe bimbos to gather wood also.

First off, they haven't time. If a storm is coming, they need to get their tanning in before the sun is gone. These melanomas won't just appear spontaneously you know.

But also, they were predictably put off by his ordering them to do it rather than asking them if they'd help. Neither approach would have worked, but doing it politely would have pissed them off less. Either way, they saw no need to help gather wood to keep themselves warm if a cold storm does come. (Despite Agent Dumb Ass saying a storm is coming, nonetheless, a storm could actually be coming.) Why should they help? Daddy never asks them to help heat the house back at home.

Rob and Grant actually live in the real world, and have occasional contact with young, lazy, spoiled, stupid girls. Rob: "They're 19, 20 year old girls. They're not going to do anything."

Grant: "And I'm not going to be the one to force them."

This is why Boston Rob is a reality show star (not just on Survivor); he actually perceives reality, and accepts it, and works with what is. He knows what all these bimbos are only good for, and it's not gathering wood.

Agent Dumb Ass insisted on re-earning his nickname by lecturing the girls on their laziness. This is Social Game Blunder #1. Why gratuitously piss off people?

Big Mouth: "I am tired of being the red stepchild to you two." He meant, of course, "red-headed stepchild," but once more he lost his head, and made it sound like he was sick of being the tribe communist. (Though tribes are, by their very nature, communist.)

Natalie: "Are you still talking?"

Agent Dumb Ass: "Yes I am, You're gonna see a new attitude of me around here." He really can not construct a proper sentence when lecturing off the cuff.

Ashley-or-Andrea: "New Attitude, Phillip? We've seen it before. It's cool." No it's not, but bow ties are cool. Just ask The Doctor.

Agent Dumb Ass: "Well get used to it, beauty queens." This was the lamest attempt at an insult I've heard in years.

Ashley-or-Andrea: "Thank you. That's a compliment." Well, no it's not, but as she actually is an ex-pageant broad, she would certainly take it as such. One problem with people who compete in beauty pageants is they just don't get that everyone else in the world outside of Pageantland views them contemptuously. The Miss America Pageant these days draws a viewership that numbers in the low two-digits.

Ashley actually managed to say something halfway intelligent: "You're not my dad, Phillip, walk away."

Rob, still lingering in the clarity of the real world, saw that this was doomed to fracture an already-half-assed tribe still further, and knew he needed to take steps. He knew that Agent Dumb Ass was right about the girls, and horribly wrong about how to handle it, which Rob knew was to ignore it. He did his best to try and get this across to Dumb Ass. Good luck, Rob, but I think he's sanity-immune.

Over at Viva Zapata, Squeaky began her campaign to try to re-enter the tribe's good graces with Steve, the one she'd offended the day before. Bad luck. "I hate apologizing," she said, revealing the depths of her immaturity. This means she's sufficiently inexperienced at it that she would be unconvincing even in a sincere apology, and here she is very much insincere, as she hates everyone for not worshiping her lord and master, Russell. Why do they hate him? Just because he's Satan, that doesn't make him a bad person.

Steve wasn't sure if she was playing the game, or sincere, though it was plainly obvious how phony it was. People genuinely sorry don't smirk as they apologize. And they aren't called Squeaky. I have a bridge in Brooklyn Steve might want to buy.

Steve: "I always try to believe in people until they absolutely, you know, until I get stomped on." Steve, she joined the Cult of Russell the first day, and is now his High Priestess, and she voted to evict you. What more do you need? For her to tattoo "Steve must die" across her forehead?

Squeaky lied that she had wanted to write down Sarita's name on her ballot, instead of Steve's. Well then why didn't you? Oh yes, because you kept telling Klumpp that Steve was the weakest link, and this isn't even that dead show.

Immunity & Reward Challenge: This was a Dennis the Menace challenge. Players would launch colored balls from giant slingshots. The other players would try to catch them in nets on handles that looked like sprung tennis rackets. No matter whether you caught your tribe's ball or the other's, the catcher scored the point. This is a good, action-filled challenge, without a puzzle.

The winning tribe would also get a picnic in a highly-scenic spot. Frankly, either tribe would enjoy a picnic at this point, even if they had to eat it on the slopes of Mount Doom.

Sarita, all unaware that a movement is afoot to evict her ahead of Squeaky, foolishly volunteered to sit it out. Why not just wear a T-shirt that says: "I'm useless. Vote me out"?

Mike and Grant, Adonises both, were matched up to clash at catching. I'd like to see them matched up, in an all-male erotic movie. There were other people playing too, somewhere or other.

Grant was scoring more than he would if he came to my house. Mike had a great strategy to try and stop him: grabbing his shirt and ripping it. I like it! Go with that. Rip that nasty old shirt off of his magnificent body! And it didn't even faze Grant, who still scored.

Grant's shirt was such a rag by the time the score was 4 to 0, that he wisely discarded it. Now Mike would have to grab him by his abundant chest hair.

Jeff: "Mike and Grant have been going at it hard! Mike unable to score." Oh, if only what that suggests to my filthy mind was actually what was going on, rather than just a vigorous game of Catch. And Mike, you come along to my home with Grant, and I guarantee you'll score.

David: "Keep your eyes open!" Good advice, David. Playing catch blind is not a good idea, although playing with eyes shut is not what your team has been doing wrong. Sarita, you better have some strategy to turn the tide back against Squeaky, because it's looking bad for Viva Zapata.

Ete Poem won, for real this time, with Grant getting MVP, as he scored 4 of the 5 points. Viva Zapata never scored at all.

So Sarita or Squeaky? Sarita sat it out, but then, she didn't contribute to the loss. Squeaky was launching balls, it seemed at times, just to Grant.

Has CBS turned into a religious station? In the first quarter of the show there was more religion than I normally encounter in a decade, and now the winning team was sent on a picnic, really an outdoor feast, on a mountaintop mesa, under a huge crucifix, and what must have been a 100 foot tall statue of that Jesus guy. Was that intended to kill their appetites? Because there was mountains of food, including lobster tails.

Master player Rob almost instantly spotted the Immunity Idol clue lying under the basket of lobster tails. Rob has the idol, the clue is worthless, and he'd have trouble retrieving it unseen, so he decided to ignore it and let someone else find it. This is a long way away from Beelzebimbo last season assaulting a disabled women for a clue to an idol she ended up giving away anyway.

Grant retrieved the clue, and he and Rob went off, oh so casually, up to the statue of Giant Jesus to look at the clue.

But Agent Dumb Ass headed up there also, to tell Giant Jesus that he was a former federal agent, so he could always spot when a Son of God was lying, and Big Mouth saw what the boys were doing, and pushed his way in. Agent Dumb Ass is almost as delusional as Dr. Jesus: "I've been in an alliance with Rob and Grant and myself..." He's in an alliance with himself? Is he certain he can trust himself? In any event, the alliance is just them stringing him along, as they both recognize him for a buffoon. But Big Mouth was just warming up.

Agent Dumb Ass: "In fact, I call ourselves STEALTH 'R' Us..." You see, SPECTRE, THRUSH, and CHAOS were already taken. "...I'm The Specialist..." This will be news to Sylvester Stallone. "...Rob is The Mentalist..." This will be news to Simon Baker. "...And Grant is The Assassin..." News to Lee Harvey Oswald. Actually Rob is The Mastermind, Grant is The Adonis, and Agent Dumb Ass is The Mental Case.

Dumb Ass continues: "And yet today, when Rob and Grant found the clue for an idol, they tried to hide it." Of course they did, you bozo. Just as you would if you weren't such a fool that you can never find a clue, let alone an idol, not even when the clue is literally up your dumb ass, as the first one was. They hid the second clue from you also, and Rob hid the first clue from everyone, until he gave it to Grant, telling him it was the second clue. And further, the idol is in Rob's pocket, and he's not nearly stupid enough to tell you about it.

"Well Hell hath no furry [I know he meant "fury" but listen to the playback. He says "furry".] like a lion and a gorilla when he thinks he's been provoked," added Agent Dumb Ass as he brandished his two childishly ridiculous tattoos. And that singular "he" in his sentence where a plural "they" should go: is he saying there's a creature that's both? A Gorion? A Lioilla? A Raving Moron? What's he going to do? Form an alliance with the three stupid bimbos who can't stand him? He is amazingly stupid. If he actually is a former federal agent, then the fed's intelligence standards are vastly lower than I ever thought, even at the height of my '60s radicalizing. I don't think he could even be a former cub scout. But he is a champ at being full of himself.

He wasn't done: "I'm all about integrity. I served my country for four years [unintelligible word or two] 13 days." Well, he wasn't an agent very long. "...For duty, honor, country. That means something to me." Big Mouth, are you saying duty, honor, and country mean nothing to us? Off your high horse, you must get, as Yoda would say. And what has it to do with Rob and Grant not sharing idol clues with you, oh clueless one? "And when you try to trash on that, me and the United States got something for you when you try that one, baby."

Oh that is so richly insane, not to mention a grammatical mess. How exactly is Rob and Grant not sharing immunity idol clues with you in a game of Survivor "trashing on" the United States? It's game play on a TV show, not high treason against The Constitution. And, Dumb Ass, I wouldn't count on the United States backing you up on your hissy snit. It's got its hands full fighting in Afghanistan, Iraq, and now interfering in a civil war in Libya which is none of our business in the first place. Who does and doesn't share Idol clues on Survivor is item number 23,984,302,594,206,732,963 on our list of national foreign policy concerns. Not what I'd call a high priority.

Was the idiot done making a fool of himself on national TV? Of course not. "I could dwell in a place of negativity based on what I just saw..." You are "dwelling in a place of negativity". "...I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna smile, and when the time comes, I'm gonna kick a little ass around here." Sure you are, sweetheart. You're a big, big boy now. Yes you are. You're a big boy! Time for beddy-bye now, big boy, and someday, if you're very, very good, Santa Clause just might bring you a brain for Christmas. Giant Jesus knows you need one.

What a tool.

Back at Viva Zapata, David wanted Sarita out and to keep Squeaky. Oh David, David, David. Yes, Sarita is little help in challenges, but Squeaky didn't cover herself in glory, shooting your team's balls to the other's team's catchers, and there is the little matter that she's mad as a hatter, and in thrall to the Cult of Russell. Oh, and she hates all of you, and if you still have her at the merge, she'll flip on you faster than a live bullfrog on a sizzling frying pan. You need to finish cleansing your tribe of the Filth of Russell, and that means dispatching the last of his disciples, before you wake up one morning with "Helter Skelter" carved on your forehead.

Mike is more fatalistic: "We just weren't meant to win." Meant to win by whom? What supernatural force does he think controls this TV show? Giant Jesus? Zeus? Jacob from Lost? The Elder Gods of Valinor? Great Cthulhu? Get a grip, like the one you had on Grant's shirt. Maybe if you'd been catching balls yourself, instead of spending the whole challenge trying to disrobe Grant (Laudable as that lofty goal is), you might have found yourself "meant to win."

But then Sarita made me doubt her sanity a bit. She noticed that David and Squeaky were campaigning to oust her instead of Squeaky. Good, now counter it.

Sarita: "I would like to see Stephanie leave, but I'm not really going to go campaigning, because I'm the most loyal person that my tribe will ever see, and they all know that."

Huh?

Did you come to win a million dollars, or just to lie back and be thrown out? What is wrong with you, you stupid woman? I genuinely do not begin to understand her "thinking" here. It's insane.

Squeaky tried working her wiles on Julie. Squeaky offered to show how committed she is. I'll give her this: she should be committed.

Squeaky to us: "If they don't keep me, they are going to lose every single challenge."

1. And if they do keep you, you'll betray them all at the merge.

2. If they lose every single challenge, wouldn't that be bringing down the Revenge of Russell on them as you swore a blood-oath to your Dark Lord to bring about? Therefore, shouldn't you be volunteering to be kicked out, or even to quit, just to serve The Dark Lord Russell? Just asking.

A Squeaky-and-Sarita-less confab was held on the beach. David was ballyhooing to keep Squeaky. Steve saw both Squeaky and Sarita as not good at challenges. Julie rather accurately pointed out that Sarita was weak at challenges, but that they couldn't trust Squeaky. David is a defense lawyer; he's used to working with people you can't trust.

Beautiful Mike: "If Stephanie can prove that we can trust her, I'm not totally opposed to keeping her around." And how can she "prove" you can trust her, particularly since you can't? Pinky oath? Swearing on the Precious? Marry her? It's not possible for her to prove she's trustworthy, and in fact, she's not.

Tribal Council: Jeff asked David if he now felt throwing the challenge to lose Russell was a mistake. David said that if they hadn't, their momentum might be different. Maybe true (Maybe not), but they'd still be stuck with Russell!

Asked about that day's challenge, Mansweater opined that if he had been shooting (with the unsaid "instead of Squeaky"), they'd have done better. That registered with Squeaky.

Sarita was asked about sitting out, and as she started to explain, Squeaky jumped in and interrupted, to begin sliming Sarita, and Sarita let her. Don't let the crazy girl rule, woman. Take back the conch! Now is not the time to be a doormat.

When Jeff Asked Sarita a follow-up question, David interrupted her answer, and again, she allowed it. Does she not know the phrases: "Let me finish my sentence. You can speak when it's your turn!"?

When Sarita did get a sentence of defense out, Squeaky dragged the tone down the level where she lives with the word Bullsh#t!! I use the term everyday, but not on CBS.

When Squeaky told a blatant lie and Sarita finally interrupted her to deny it, Squeaky had no trouble saying "You're interrupting." See how it's done, Sarita?

David laid out the idea that trust can be tabled for now, concentrate on winning. Sounds exactly like a defense lawyer, who needs jurors to ignore that his clients are liars and criminals, while he stays focused on winning, no matter how many murderers he puts back on the streets. Mansweater thought that logic sounded good. Going to the merge with someone who has already told the other tribe she's ready to flip is not a good idea.

No one ever even brought up the idea of a post-merge flipper in their midst, but the idea must have stayed in their heads, because Squeaky got voted out. David was left thinking: "I should have plea-bargained." However, if Sarita is to survive much longer, she needs to step up her game.

They don't show us who voted for whom anymore. I wish they'd return to doing that. I want to know. [Addendum: After writing this column, I found the voting video online at CBS.com. Only David and Squeaky voted for Sarita. Everyone else voted for Squeaky.]

It ended with Squeaky arriving on Zombie Island and snuggling down with Dr. Jesus, who for a devout Christian, will apparently sleep with anyone, and telling him not to ally himself with anyone on her tribe "They're not nice people." I think even he can figure out that a person just voted out might be at odds with the folks who voted them out.

And finally Squeaky told us: "When I win, I'm not going back to them." Well, maybe she can go with the monkeys that will fly out of her butt long before she ever wins.

My flying monkeys are getting restless too, so I better go release them.

One last, perhaps irrelevant item. You all know we lost Elizabeth Taylor yesterday. Many there were who joked about her string of marriages. Many there were who called her names over the more-than-50-years-ago scandal with her, Eddie Fisher, and Debbie Reynolds, though Eddie was a booby prize if ever there was one. Debbie should have thanked her. Liz's two Oscars speak for themselves, and her beauty was the stuff of legend, after me, the most beautiful woman in the world. But above it all was her tireless work fighting AIDS. For that, to me she will always be Saint Elizabeth. May flights of angels sing her to her rest. Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life. Also, you can read Little Dougie's contributions to the newly published book Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well: The TV Horror Hosts of Southern California by James Fetters.