"Paranoia Strikes Deep.
Into your heart it will creep."
- Stephen Sills, The Buffalo Springfield.
7:30 PM, PDT: First some words written before I watched the three-hour Survivor finale. With Voldetool gone, the Final Four are Erinn, JT, Taj, and Stephen. Who do I see winning?
If the final 2 are JT and Stephen: JT.
If the Final 2 are JT and Taj: JT
If the Final 2 are JT and Erinn: JT
IF the Final 2 are Stephen and Taj: Stephen
If the Final 2 are Stephen and Erinn: Stephen.
If the Final 2 are Erinn and Taj: Taj.
So the winner will most likely be JT. He is beloved, even by those whom he destroyed. I have no idea why.
Stephen could win against either of the women, against Erinn, because no one likes her or respects her. Against Taj because everyone knows that Taj already is rich. The only way the money would be awarded to someone who is already a millionaire is if she's up against Erinn. Erinn has no friends.
What Seems Like 3 Days Later, 11 PM, PDT: Well, I seem to have nailed that. JT wins both the million and the Viewer's Choice $100,000, although I voted for Rupert. Well, let's try to speed through the rest of this 3 hour broadcast.
For the "Previously On" recap at the top, Jeff Probst just read aloud, unattributed, my previous columns, with the jokes removed, making them even more pointless.
The primary question for the first part was, can Stephen or Taj betray JT? Even they don't know. Can JT betray them? We will learn the specific answer to that before too long..
Immunity Challenge #1: The players must crawl through webbed arms of a giant-tarantula-shaped maze (I hate spiders.) to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces to assemble a puzzle.
Once more, a mixed-bag of a challenge. The crawling through the legs part was okay, but again, watching people assemble puzzles is dull.
I thought they'd have to eat spiders. Whatever became of the eat-disgusting-things challenge? Survivor, in its early days, was defined by the rat-eating challenge. Stephen getting stuck eating chicken hearts hardly compared with wolfing down live cockroaches for immunity.
The best moment was JT slithering over Taj to pass in a narrow spider's leg. Eddie George, are you watching?
JT wins by a hair, blowing a huge maze lead with slow puzzle-solving. The final moments of the challenge (we have no idea how long it actually took them to do the puzzles.) Was made more exciting artificially through editing.
The Hidden Immunity Idols were a fizzle this season. There was all that early intrigue about Taj giving hers to Stephen because he had pockets, but neither were ever in enough danger to need to use it, so Stephen never had to renege on his promise to give it back to Taj if she needed it. Brendan had the other, but stupidly didn't employ it the week Dork Vader sandbagged him. If he had, Brendan might be a million dollars richer now. Taj made a choice fake idol to fool Joe with. It worked perfectly, except that Joe got wounded and had to be medi-lifted out, so it never came into play. The only effect the Hidden Immunity Idols had were to necessitate all those blindsides, a record number. In fact, weren't they all blindsides?
So now Team Mancrush must debate which woman to deep six. JT and one of the girls sending Stephen home didn't seem to occur to either of them. The theme for tonight seemed to be "Bros before emancipated ladies of the 21st Century." (i.e., "hos.")
So the men must choose a female back to stab. Hmm. Which back presents the broader target, skinny little Erinn, or generously over-endowed Taj, who already has more money than either of them have ever seen? And does Taj suspect that she might not go to Final Three? Nope. She thinks men can be trusted. She's spent too long married to a man who loves her. She doesn't know what actual men are like.
JT has forgotten that, back when he first learned how rich Taj was, he was ready to oust her right then, noting that while the money could completely change his life, for her, it would just be yet another million dollars. Ho-hum. He's playing for money. She's playing for her ego, and because one of the ways you become rich is by depriving the poor of money.
Now JT is saying to Stephen, "As long as you and me are solid, I don't give a damn what we do, man." What does he mean by "solid"? Is Team Mancrush finally blossoming into bromance? In any event, JT's education obviously didn't include a stringent study of English grammar.
Evidentially, English grammar isn't taught any better in Manhattan schools than it is in rural Alabama, as Stephen said: "So it's a really difficult decision on both strategic and moral and personal grounds." Both? He either flunked English or math, and we saw back in The Math Challenge that Stephen's a whiz at math. The Jalapeno Trio are checking their backs for knives.
Tribal Council #1: A terrifically dramatic thunderstorm is going on. They should have it every council. The only problem is, the thunder sometimes underlines less-than-dramatic moments. In movies, thunder only peels when God wants to point out how ominous something is: "If any man can show just cause why these two should not be joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his piece." Thunderclap!
Jeff asks how it was possible that Timbirra blew their numerical lead over Jalapeno. Stephen happily takes credit for strategic brilliance, while no one points out what really happened, that The Dragaonlicker's petty hatred for all his female teammates, and for his true rival Brendan (despite his repeated statements that he wanted to bring the strongest with him to the end, which was a lie), caused Timbirra to concentrate on knocking each other out until suddenly they had created their own outnumbering. The Jalapeno Trio just sat back and helped them pick each other off. Idiots. Did that girl's soccer team Dork Vader used to coach before being fired ever win a game? (He was fired for telling them he was having surgery, when he was really taking a month and a half off to do Survivor. That's right. Mr. Honesty & Integrity was fired for lying!)
Team Mancrush turned on Taj, and voted her out. (JT hilariously misspelled Taj's name as "Tag." Spelling must have been part of that English class he slept through.) Bros before emancipated ladies of the 21st Century. If only I could have seen my darling Joe's face as his vengeance was made. Taj vows to vote for Erinn for the million if she's in The Final Two, like that could happen.
As soon as they returned to camp, Erinn began driving the boys nuts, by running her mouth. "We're pretty awesome, guys." Taj "didn't seem upset at all," said that brilliant observer of human behavior Erinn, smugly celebrating, oblivious to how bad the boys felt about betraying Taj. Had she forgotten what made all of Timbirra dislike her? Did she think that the boys offed Taj because they liked Erinn more than their long-time ally? They're not your friends, Erinn. If you want a shot at winning, shut up.
"Erinn is the most annoying person I know in the world, and she will not shut up." said JT, and bear in mind, he knows Voldetool.
The next day Erinn told us: "I already have my decision made if I win. I'm taking Stephen with me." Erinn, remind me again, at how many challenges have you beaten JT? How do you spell that number? Z - E - R- O perhaps? She's counting her chickens before chickens have evolved into being.
"I'm a little afraid of winning today's immunity challenge." said Stephen, overdramatizing his pretend-angst, as usual. Oh shiver with fear, Steve. After all, winning immunity and sending JT to the jury is your only remote hope of winning the million dollars. Stephen, if you're religious, pray to Mark Burnett that the last immunity challenge will hinge on math.
JT reiterates his commitment to Team Mancrush with Stephen, saying, "We're eating breakfast tomorrow...We're in 'Official Agreement'." Official agreement? Is that notarized?
And then it's off to one of Survivor's most boring and pretentious rituals, the Fallen-Player Torch Walk (I prefer Torchwood. John Barrowman, call me), where they "remember" each eliminated player, as though they all died in battle. Stephen happily blathers eulogies over each. It would be like taking ten minutes at the end of an episode of The Weakest Link to blather over everyone Ann Richards had sent packing. They're not dead (in Voldetool's case, sadly), they just lost a game show. Right now, they're all sitting backstage in David Letterman's studio in Manhattan, watching the show on monitors.
On the torchwalk we got this refreshingly honest admission from Stephen:
Erinn: "I love that it's the three of us."
Stephen: "I love that it's me and two other people."
We get clips of each player, giving us a teensy bit of catch-up.
Carolina, she of the hideous nasal voice: "I've learned that maybe I should be a little more patient." Maybe she should be a little more silent. When you have a voice like chalk scrapped on a blackboard, your every word enters ears like daggers. She spoke for 10 seconds and I was grabbing for the "Mute" button.
Candace, the other black woman, you know, the attractive one, said: "Gosh Candace, why couldn't you tolerate the egocentric sexist crap that was coming out of Coach's mouth?" Candace, cut yourself some slack. (And why do you speak to yourself in the third person?) No one could listen to much of Voldetool without wanting to club him into paste. "This whole Social Compatibility crap, it was my downfall."
Jerry voted out for being sick, is all better now.
Sandy, the crazy old woman, is back in the home, hopefully under restraints. Just to make us all ill, they reran footage of her groping 19 year-old Spencer while he was trying to sleep. Did he mention whether he was gay before Sandy started getting all handsy with him? Because her roamin' hands could have turned Warren Beatty gay. Sandy, as per usual, blathered delusionally.
Of Spencer, Stephen said he "was a very strong strategist." Then why did he get sent home fifth? The strong strategists are the three who are still there. And they still don't know he's gay.
Stephen: "Sydney, what a beautiful girl." What else can you say about her? Never was vacuousness hotter? JT adds, with unintended double entendre: "That was one of the first hard votes." No JT, that was the first vote you made while hard.
Joe Adonis has survived. The pegleg looks awesome
Brendan Hot Pecs: "I can win this thing." Nope. He also said, "It's a lot harder than it looks." Well, how hard does it look? Show me.
Of Tyson, the Nude Mormon Stephen said: "Funny guy." No, horrible, revolting guy, repulsive both physically and morally. (And Stephen, that's the proper place to employ "both.") "I was definitely overconfident... I'll keep my awesome personality and fantastic good looks." Where was he keeping those? All I saw was his horrible personality and his repulsive, creepy looks.
Sierra, ahhhhh, she .... ah ....she... Well, she was blonde, and thin, really thin. Most people have three dimensions, but as she was both shallow and bone thin, she had only one dimension. She lacked depth and width.
Erinn: "Little Debbie...She was the hardest vote for sure." Erinn, what are you telling us? Stephen: "She was a super-strong player." Well, she had no math skills, which is bad in a school principal. Debbie thought running a junior high would make it a snap for her to figure everyone out and manipulate people. Turned out adults are more complicated than school kids. And since she allied herself with Dork Vader, she showed incredibly bad judgement about people's character. "But there's not many things that can be thrown at me in life anymore, that I won't know that I can't handle." Huh? What is that? A quadruple negative? Her English syntax is as garbled as her math. Try not-handling this, Debs: "2+2=?" (Hint: ?>3, ?
Of The Dragonlicker, JT said: "Probably one of the most honest people I know." If Dork Vader really is one of the most honest people he knows, expect JT to lose all of that money to the next Bernie Medoff wanna-be by tomorrow. Stephen insanely added: "He got Final Five with never telling a lie, and being purely honest." What? Stephen, you're swallowing his myth. Every word out of his mouth is a lie. Hell, even his name isn't even "Coach." It's Ben Wade. "What a great storyteller too." No! Stephen King is a great storyteller. Dork Vader is a tool. JT: "I gotta lotta respect for Coach." which diminishes my respect for JT. I have no respect for Voldetool. Voting out is too good for him. He needs putting down.
We were treated to one last snippet of Voldetool's insanity: "Nietzsche once said, there's always some madness in love..." Well, certainly someone would have to be insane to be in love with Voldetool, which is why I think Dork Vader is insane, because he's madly in love with himself. "...but there's always some reason in madness." I have no idea if Nietzsche ever actually said that or not, although since Dragonlicker said he did, I'll assume he didn't. But I've known people with severe dementia (including a couple of my husbands), and I can assure you that reason-free madness exists.
But he's not done spewing blather: "How did I leave? Head held high..." this over a clip of him writhing in the mud with his fake "back spasm," "...not defeated.." Actually Dork, you were defeated. Notice how you're voting on the million, not receiving it. That is defeat. He is completely delusional. "Hopefully, like a Greek tragedy, in death, I will give other people a rebirth of ideas." Like a Greek tragedy, his mere presence depresses people. The only idea his death would give me would be, I like Voldetool being dead. Tell you what, Voldy, why don't you go ahead and die, and we'll see what happens. If I feel bad about your being dead later on, I'll publically apologize.
JT: "Taj will be a friend of mine for the rest of my life." Have you spoken to her since you stabbed her in the back for Erinn? You may well find that friendship is over. Taj: "I'm the firestarter now. I can show people how to start fires in seconds." Oh goody, she's acquired the skills of a 10-year-old boy scout. She has a future as an arsonist. She "underestimated JT and Stephen's will to win that million dollars." Yeah, isn't funny how people who aren't already rich are more serious about winning the money than someone to whom it would just be another million dollars gathering dust. Yawn! This is just pushing my taxes up. Don't you just want to slap her?
Last Immunity Challenge: What are those structures? Little ball rollercoasters? Cool. This challenge consisted of putting balls in twisty chutes, and then catching them when they drop out at the bottom, all with one hand tied behind them. (Somewhere, Voldetool is saying "I gold medaled in this event in Barcelona.") It requires not strength, not endurance, not smarts, not math, just extreme focus and concentration.
I loved this challenge. Very visual. More interesting to watch than puzzle-solving or math. I knew JT would win it when I saw how JT was giving his chute his unwavering, focused attention, while Stephen was taking his eyes off of his to see how JT and Erinn were doing. Butterfingers Erinn never had a shot.
Jeff Probst: "Last person to keep all of his balls in play wins" Is Jeff assuming Erinn will lose? (I was.)
Jeff: "Everybody's got two balls in play now." Jeff, such a filthy mouth.
JT won, of course.
So now JT faced a moral question: honor his game-long oath to his bromantic mancrush Stephen, and risk that there might be four jury members who would prefer Stephen? (Who? Name one, let alone four.) Or stab him in the back, and take Erinn, knowing that six out of the seven jury members would vote against her, and lose his honor. Of course, choosing money over honor is would make him a quintessential Republican, but they are out of power now. The irony is that JT would win either way.
Erinn: "If JT wants to win a million dollars, he'll send Stephen home tonight. It's the only thing that makes sense." Please note that, in the final Stephen vs JT vote, JT won unanimously. Erinn's inability to read people remains intact.
Stephen assures JT that, were their positions reversed (a versatile bromance!), he would take JT. Is this true?
Tribal Council 2: The boys didn't recognize Taj washed. I almost expected JT to say, "I had no idea you were black. I thought you were just grimy."
Erinn on potential votes: "I might get this one and this one." And? Who would the second vote be? She'd get votes from Taj, and her mom, and her mom isn't on the jury.
Stephen repeatedly said of himself and JT: "We have basically shared a brain." For dinner? Whose brain? Donovan's? Igor's? Abby Normal's? Does this mean each has half a brain?
Then Stephen branches out into bromance fantasyland, referring to "our long term commitments to each other; what that would mean in the future, for our enduring friendship and relationship." Were they playing Survivor, or did they get gay married? Wait till they get back home, and find that Tyson and his fellow hateful evil Mormon friends have outlawed their marriage.
JT: "I do feel that taking Stephen is a huge risk." JT, the vote with Stephen will be:
JT = 7 votes.
Stephen= 0 votes.
The vote with Erinn would have been:
JT= 6 votes.
Erinn= 1 vote.
You win either way, but you get more votes with Stephen. You have it backwards.
But Stephen feels the need to volunteer this stupid additional reason for him to be saved: "There's also a lot of added reasons why we should go to the end together, not least this breakfast we've talked about having on Day 39 since Day 2." Hmmm. I'm a cowboy from Alabama. I work my ass off in the hot sun everyday. What is more important to me; a million dollars, or breakfast with Stephen? Amazingly lame. Stephen, shut up, before you talk your way onto the jury.
Jeff mocks him, but Stephen responds, "There's more to a relationship than a million dollars." Stephen, he's not married to you! Further, with every stupid word from his mouth, Stephen is bleeding jury votes.
Loyalty, bromance, and Team Mancrush won out. Erinn is on the jury. Coach looks victorious. He finally got her, on the last day, although he's been trying since day 1, and he's been out for days.
Day 39: Stephen: "You and I are going to be friends for life." Is he picking out China patterns? Will he move to Alabama or JT move to Manhattan? (I recommend the latter.) Stephen, the last person I said that to, I haven't heard from or set eyes on since 1975. (You out there, Richard Van Slyke?)
There's food! Lots of food! Time for their million dollar breakfast at Tocantins, as they have nothing else to do but wait for Final Tribal Council that night. "The Warrior and The Wizard, Day 39," said Stephen, who may be turning into Voldetool. Honey, you're the country mouse and the city rat, not Conan the Barbarian and Gandalf.
Final Tribal Council: It's million dollar decision time. Unfortunately, it's also Coach's penultimate shot at the spotlight.
Team Mancrush begin fighting each other for the money. It's a polite love-fest, for a while anyway.
Stephen: "If you were making this decision based on who is the better woodsman..." The Tin Woodsman has a shot?
Stephen: "I'd never been camping before." Not even at the Gay Pride parade? Well give him the money!
JT: "I'm obviously not a Yale graduate..." Judging by our last Yale grad president, JT is too smart to be a Yalie. "...or an English major..." Not even an English minor. But I'll bet he sailed through Animal Husbandry. "...I'm actually the first member of my family to graduate college." He uses language the way he does, and he has a college degree? Pretty lax English standards where ever he went. JT, are you certain it wasn't Yale?
Brendan, looking awesome (Note to Tyson, that is what "looking awesome" is all about), calls Stephen on his lameness. Stephen feels he should be respected for "hiding in the shadows." Let's see how well that logic works for you, Steve.
Erinn calls Stephen on all his many alliances: "The Jalapao Three..." (she means The Jalapeno Trio) "...The Exile Allaince..." (She means the Awesome Foursome) "...and the Warrior Alliance..." She missed out entirely on Team Mancrush, ironic, since that is the alliance that sank her. In an answer to an Erinn question, JT uses the phrase, "...no matter what we done..." A college graduate. What college was this? Clem's L'arnin' Shack? Arizona State? How many years did you done did do?
Debbie starts right our being passive-aggressive. "I haven't decided yet..." JT: My momma done told me, when I was a baby, my momma done told me well. Okay, JT didn't sing The Blues in the Night, but he began prefacing everything he said with "My mamma told me..." Well, I suppose it's better than pretending to quote Nietzsche or Marcus Aurelius.
When Debbie calls him on his waffling, Stephen admits he would probably have taken Erinn to the end. JT's shocked face shows this is news to him. A crack appears in The Bromance wedding party. JT has risked votes to save a man who wouldn't have done the same for him. One truly hopes that, deep in the back of his mind, he's not thinking "Well maybe what Grampy told me about them Jews is true after all."
Unfortunately, Voldetool gets a chance to speak. He is instantly deep into his fantasy world. "Last two remnants of The Power Alliance..." Well first off, it was The Warrior Alliance. No one can stick to an alliance name around here. Secondly, it never existed. It was a lie JT and Stephen told him, to keep the revolting dolt spilling his every strategy to him. They voted him out. "...makes me a little bit proud to see the Wizard and The Warrior up here." Why? It's not his accomplishment. But Dragonlicker has to imagine they were and still are allies, because only then can their victory also be his victory, even though he lost! (And they are not The Warrior and The Wizard. They're the country mouse and the city rat.)
JT to Voldetool: "I know that you would have taken me to the final two..." Really? Because I don't "know" that. "...I thought Stephen would, but I just found out otherwise." Snap! The Bromance honeymoon is over. "...I may be that dumb fool who mixes morals with millions..." Well then he's not a Republican.
Stephen tries to tell Voldetool that JT not voting against him was "The Weasel Way out." JT snaps back. Oh dear. They're having their first fight.
Sierra to JT: "Your choosing Stephen was the right thing, but you lost a lot of my respect..." Sierra, me-ow! Losing Sierra's respect. How can he ever hold his head up again? "...but you could have been sitting here tonight with Tyson." Why would he want to do that? He'd have Sierra's respect, but I would loathe him for never voting out the evil Nude Mormon.
Tyson, never mind your boring questions, did you find your tears as delicious as the ones you'd hoped to see Sierra shed? Did you take the pleasure in the crushing of your own dreams that you wished to relish in others? Just so you know, I relished the crushing of your dreams.
Tyson does, however, manage to get Team Mancrush to openly argue with each other, and Stephen to declare his feelings hurt by JT's statements. Did Tyson and his Mormon hoods outlaw gay divorce along with gay marriage, or are Stephen and JT sealed in
The Temple?
The Revenge of Taj. "Crushed, betrayed, disappointed." She wants to know why JT found it easier to write her name down than Voldetool's. It can't be spelling. JT misspelled "Taj" (college graduate, remember), and I'll bet he can spell "Coach." But Taj, the answer would be staring you in the face, if you were kneeling. Voldetool has a penis. You don't. Bros before emancipated women. Guys have sex with we women, but they only truly bond with each other.
Now the boys are spilling their guts on Stephen's plan to screw over Taj on the never-used idol. Stephen is now looking for a bus to toss JT under. Sadly for him, there's very little bus service in Tocantins. JT: "I just feel like a fool, man." It's their second fight. Even Taj gets bored. Team Mancrush is crumbling. It's turning into Act III of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe. They may get sent to Principal Debbie's office. Time for the final vote.
Live Reunion & Results Show: The contestant's various full names are revealed here. They're in David Letterman's Theater. Stephen Fishbach can walk home after the show, which is just as well, as he may not have cab fare, because JT, now revealed as James Thomas Junior (JTJR?), wins by a unanimous vote, along with getting the viewer's choice award money also. Everyone loves JT. Why? I just don't get it. He's okay. I have nothing against him, the way I loathe Tyson and Voldetool, but everyone who meets JT seems to fall in love with him. I just don't get the appeal. It's a mystery.
Oh, and when he won, JT kissed Stephen. The Mancrush Bromance is back on. JT loves Stephen again, and Stephen loves JT's money.
It was nice though that Jeff listed the top three Viewer's Choice vote-getters, so that Voldetool could see that he wasn't even third. Dork Vader, America hates you. Jeff even says it, "Everywhere, including this whole week when I've been in New York City, people are coming up, going, ah, hate Coach, love JT." Yes, Voldetool has returned to learn that, thanks to the miracle of television and my column, he is now one of the most nationally-reviled people in the country. Ex-President Bush has a higher approval rating than Ex-Coach, and Bush's numbers are negatives.
Jeff tries to weasel out of the Voldetool insult/fact, by saying, "They love to hate Richard Hatch too. You're in good company." First off, I hate hating Voldetool, and secondly, "in good company"? Richard Hatch got out of prison three days ago. How soon can we look forward to Ex-Coach dropping the soap in the showers on Oz?
Then out came all the players, all cleaned up and recovered. How do they look now? JT looks better cleaned up and shaved. Not enough to ever become sexy, but better than he looked in Brazil. Stephen kept his beard. Well, city rats usually have whiskers. Debbie's (Debra Beebe) nose looks a lot better. Did she get a gander at how horrible her botched nose work had looked on TV, and get it redone? Erinn Lobdell has lost her glasses and acquired make-up, both of which improve her. Taj (Tamara Johnson-George) appears to have kept the weight off, and done something to her face, because she now has cheekbones, and certainly looks better.
Tyson Apostal (Apostal? Is that as in "going postal"? A postal? A dangerous Mormon loon?) actually looks ever creepier cleaned up. He's the only person who looks worse in civilization, and he looked horrible in Brazil. Joe, Brendan Synnott, and even Spencer Duhm (Spencer's last name is "Duhm"? Poor, poor boy.) all look spectacular. (So does Sydney Wheeler, but don't tell her I said so. Weren't the Wheelers brutal bad guys in L. Frank Baum's Ozma of Oz?) Spencer has shaved and put on some badly-needed weight. His voice seems to have dropped an octave. Did he hit puberty?
JT makes this admission: "[The people back home] love me! I mean all the way! And I love them, but they are really behind me." If I still understand the meanings of "all the way" and "behind me," Stephen may have cause to be jealous of his newly rich husband.
What was it about Stephen that captured JT's heart, Jeff wants to know. JT tells us "He carried more than his load." Oh, the usual.
Stephen reveals how their plan worked "Tyson would tell his plans to Coach. Coach would tell JT. JT would tell me, and our insurgency would be victorious." Voldetool was Voldefool. The Coach-haters in the live audience (everyone) all laughed mockingly at how Dork Vader's big mouth had sunk him. Heh, heh, heh.
Jeff returned JT's broken tooth to his mom. Aw. JT gets a million dollars. Mom gets a broken tooth. You know, there's a small drawer in my desk containing a bunch of my old teeth. Mom Thomas is welcome to them.
Why do people love Taj? She's a rich woman trying to win the big money over people who need the money. How selfish and ego-driven is that? Plus, she keeps Eddie George off the market. How big a dreamboat is Eddie? Very! (Bear in mind, I had never heard of him before his wife went on Survivor. I don't follow whichever children's game it is he plays for more money than God has.)
Jeff Probst shows a photo of the pop group Taj was a "star" with, so big a star that Jeff identifies the wrong woman in the picture as being Taj. So I'm not the only person to avoid looking at her. Jeff's been averting his eyes as well.
Tyson, in his interview, referred to Joseph Smith as "a great man." Abe Lincoln was a great man. Mahatma Gandhi was a great man. Christopher Reeve was a great man. Joseph Smith was a con man and a loon who left a legacy of evil, and he still owes my great-great-grandfather $250 which, at almost 200 years of compound interest, ought to put the Mormons out of business.
Sierra Reed: "I fought to the death." She's dead? "...I slayed the dragon! I slayed the dragon!" Is Voldefool contagious?
When Dork Vader began spewing his usual crap, Voldy's one friend in the audience cheered. So Jeff had offered him the chance to take a lie detector test. He refused, but then had a friend in Hollywood pretend to be a doctor and phony up lie detector test results to give on the show. I do not believe them for one second.
Coach has a girl friend! Talk about a woman with no self-esteem. I wonder how much he paid her. "Melinda Trettner" said: "Actually, I slay the dragon." Did she say "dragon" or "drag queen"? You'll notice she didn't come to Brazil with the loved ones. No, that was his ex-coaching assistant, who is probably the coach now that Ex-Coach is unemployed.
Candace Smith (Her real name? Sure.), the "Lawyer," like all lawyers, has been getting acting and modeling jobs. Who gave her her law degree, Raymond Burr?
Carolina Eastwood: "I shoulda kept my mouth shut." Yup, but you left out the word "big."
Sally Burgin, back on make-up, and hopefully back on her medication, though she didn't sound like it, said she got a second chance to make a first impression. True, but her second impression was identical to her first.
And for a last jab, JT announced his plan to use some of the money in a business venture with Stephen "Trust Me" Fishbach. The wedding of the country mouse and the city rat is back on!
So that was it. CBS is contracted for two more Survivor seasons, bringing it up to 20 a year from now, but has yet to announce if they'll go beyond that. I can not see why they would. It is so played out. A great last season might be having as many of the previous million dollar winners back as are out of jail and available, and having them see if they can do it again. But please, not a reunion-of-nutcases season. I never want to set orbs on Voldefool again.
Thanks to all readers who waded through my overlong columns on this Starless Trek, and especially to all who left comments. Please leave some more.
Cheers darlings.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to
The Morehead, the Merrier.