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Survivor Tocantins: Sandy Wastes

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Taj Fat Butt must die!

I'll explain why she has suddenly passed Ex-Coach Full-of-Himself on my Hate List at the end of this column, but she has crossed a line. I'm not normally a vengeful person, unless you cross me in some trivial manner, but Taj must die. Of course, her husband has a "Heisman Trophy," that award they give to murderers, so hopefully, he will earn his award and take her out. She is Evil. You'll learn why.

My job of recapping Survivor: Tocantins has become a more important duty this week, because this evening Survivor was on opposite American Idol, which means I was the only person in America watching it. Even the survivors themselves, and their families and friends, were watching AI. So I had to view the show for all of the Survivor fans, both of them (Hello darlings), who passed on it for the joy of seeing Tatiana rejected again, and gazing in horror at Paula doing her impression of a drunken mosh-pit floozy in a leopard-print dress that made her look like Norma Desmond playing a whore. Not that I watched American Idol. No, no. I was stuck - I mean happy to be - watching Survivor. I just intuited that Paula would be dressed like Tarzan-the-Streetwalker through my mighty psychic powers. I was watching Survivor. Honest.

But first an interesting bit of news that reached me this week about Coach. It turns out that this misogynistic creep, a dues-paying member of "Spanky McFarland's Wimmin-Haters Klub," coaches women's soccer! Yikes! And now the good news. Since shooting Survivor, he's been fired! He's now an ex-coach. And thus, henceforth he shall be known here as Ex-Coach Full-of-Himself. If anyone knows why he was fired (I can't think of more than 20 or 30 reasons), please share it with all of us in the comments below. (And thank you, dear readers and people who have this read aloud to them, for all the kind comments and emails.)

We began with Timbira dragging themselves back to camp after their second consecutive Tribal Council, having just shown America that Timbira does not support our troops, by voting out Jerry Army Guy, veteran of a year in Afghanistan, where he risked his life everyday to make America a little safer, when they could have voted out Ex-Coach Full-of-Himself. I'd say they had a special place in Hell awaiting them, except that they seem to be spending 39 days there right now.

"Well, it's a dark, sultry, sulky night" said Ex-Coach. What is a "Sulky Night"? A night that pouts when it doesn't get its way, like Ex-Coach? Even Snoopy wasn't so illiterate that he wrote "It was a dark and sulky night," and he's just a dog.

Ex-Coach was having a sulky night, pissed because Erinn said Brendan Hot Pecs would make a better leader than he would, which is true, although Jerry was the one who first suggested Brendan. (And only a fool wants to be a Tribe Leader, as it always gets you targeted for eviction) However, Ex-Coach still has a blinding, unmotivated hatred of Erinn, who is a female after all. Once again he described her as "the cancer of the tribe." Well that's a malignant tumor calling a blemish melanoma.

Next morning, Brendan, who is nobody's fool, called a pow-wow in which he immediately suggested Ex-Coach or Tyson the Nude Mormon for Tribe leader. He knew better than to take the job himself. Tyson told us "So I guess Brendan or [Ex] Coach is the leader? I don't know. It's - ah - I wasn't paying attention. I don't really care." The discussion wasn't about him, so Tyson got bored and his mind drifted. I assume visions of himself in man tiaras were dancing in his head.

Ex-Coach told us, "If Brendan got voted off and I was the leader, I think this tribe would be better ..." Ex-Coach's opinion of himself knows no bounds, nor reality. "... but I don't want to vote Brendan off, because that's my M.O." It's more like his H.O.M.O. He went on, "If you look at me, you look at Brendan, who looks stronger? I do!" Why would I want to look at Ex-Coach, in his faux-Steven Seagal hair, when I could look at Brendan? "... and I think the difference is, I've been here, and they haven't." They've been right beside him the whole time. Ex-Coach is insane.

Over at Jalapeno, Taj Evil Bitch must seduce Stephen into "The Exile Alliance," her plot with Brendan Hot Pecs to make a secret cross-tribe alliance with Sierra Walking Skeleton and Stephen City Nerd. She lured Stephen off and told him, "This is going to change your life..." Is she going to convert him, or chop off one of his limbs? "... Do you want to be a part of the biggest upset on Survivor History?" I believe that was several seasons back. The woman is given to overstating. Maybe she isn't a "Pop Star," but just a "Pop Supporting Player."

As Stephen eloquently put it, "So I might have just stumbled ass-backwards into a huge alliance." Well, it's only four people, so it's not all that huge. Of course, he was talking about Taj; so maybe he meant to say, "I might have just stumbled backwards into her huge ass."

Of course, the plan hinges on Taj recruiting Stephen, who was all for it, and Brendan recruiting Sierra, both before the next challenge, and oops, recruiting Sierra slipped Brendan's mind. But then, Brendan's faulty memory is a good news/bad news sort of thing, since he also forgot to wear a shirt to the challenge. Brendan's nipples turned out to be all that kept me from switching over to listen to Paula Abdul saying "You're beautiful. You know who you are. I like grapes."

Reward Challenge: The challenge involved two men and one woman from each team holding poles across their shoulders, while the other team loaded sandbags onto them. Last team with a pole-holder still standing wins. Since it only required five members of each team to play, the others just sat out, and we got to watch people stand still, holding poles. Yawn! Mark Burnett, must I remind you that I only have to press this one little button on my remote, and I'll be watching American Idol. This is your idea of how to compete with the number one show on TV? People standing still, holding poles? I could be watching Simon Cowell insult teenagers.

And the reward? The winning team gets to burglarize the losing team's camp, and steal stuff. So now criminal behavior is a "Reward". Again I remind you that this show's first season winner is in prison.

For Jalapeno, the pole holders were Joe Adonis, JT Hick, and Taj Evil Bitch. Joe stupidly wore a shirt. It will be his downfall, as we shall soon see. For Timbira, we had Brendan Hot Pecs, sensibly shirtless, and Debbie Bad Nose job. Also Tyson the Nude Mormon is a pole holder. Oh boy, is he. Tyson, only hold your own pole please!

They put the ten pound sandbags on, two at a time, on one person's pole each round. After the first couple bags (In Taj's case we had bags being held by a bag), we suddenly leapt way ahead in time, as though Mark Burnett had given the Time Wheel a shove, and then woken up in Tunesia. A wise decision, because people just standing there holding stuff is boring, and it only takes the tiniest bit of pressure on this button to replace it with hearing Randy Jackson tell some kid, "I wasn't really feelin' it, dawg. It just wasn't the right song for you for me for you for me. Know what I mean?" (No, Randy. I never know what you mean. Do you?)

Brendan collapsed first, when holding 220 pounds. As it happens my ghost writer, Little Dougie, who is typing this up while I enjoy a cocktail and dictate it, weighs 220 himself, so should Dougie's dreams of Brendan come true, Brendan will have to be on top.

Tyson the Very Skinny Nude Mormon dropped at 140 pounds. Wimp! That man tiara better be weightless. Put a good-sized diamond on it and his neck will snap like a twig. (I'd like to see that.)

JT Hick makes it to 220 before dropping his load, so to speak.

Why are the men dropping out before the women? Because they're not bothering to load the women up until the men are out. I don't know why. I can not see how it would make any difference at all. Jeff Probst called it "strategy," but wouldn't Tyson have collapsed at 140 even if he'd gotten that much sand after the women collapsed instead of before? There is no "strategy" to this challenge. It's just strength, of which Tyson has none.

And notice that Ex-Coach wasn't even holding a pole. He is such an asset - to the other tribe!

Joe Adonis dropped out at 140 also. Good heavens, what a hunky weakling. I could do better than that! But then, I've had to carry a lot of dead weight co-stars over the years, for entire feature films. You try carrying Joan Crawford for two hours! Joe's problem was his shirt. All that extra fabric weighed him down and finished him off. If he'd just had sense enough to compete half, or better still, totally naked, he'd have lasted longer.

So now it was down to Taj and Debbie. Well Taj had a clear advantage, since she's used to carrying her impressively gigantic boobs and her gi-normous butt around 24 hours a day. Sure enough, She won, when Debbie fell under a mere 100 pounds. Taj holds up more than that just sleeping on her stomach. This was Timbira's fourth consecutive loss.

Sierra got sent to Exile Dune with Taj, with Taj thinking she's in an alliance with Sierra that Sierra knows nothing about. Could be disastrous! Suspense! I notice that Sierra Walking Skeleton was wearing horizontal stripes, in an effort to create the illusion of her having width. That girl is so skinny, she only has two spatial dimensions.

Timbira was worried that the Jalapeno camp raiders would steal both of their bean bags, leaving them with nothing to sit on.

Joe Adonis and JT Hick arrived to raid Timbira. Tyson could not resist immediately hugging Joe, the hottest man on the show. How tasteful of him not to be fully naked for the occasion. Brendan asked "Can I get you a cocktail?" I knew I loved that man! (But which of them was he hoping to get drunk? A Joe/Brendan hook-up would certainly boost this show's appeal for me through the roof! My suggestion of it has just made it difficult for Dougie to reach his keyboard!)

Tyson, whom you may recall last week rhapsodized over his love of seeing people cry when he crushed their dreams, further cemented his place as a role model for Good Mormons everywhere with this tidbit of Martha Stewart-style hospitality: "You want to be on good terms with them 'cause you're pro'a'ly going to be living with them in the future, but in the back of your mind you're like, I wanna punch these guys in the head." Lovely. Just this morning I read where the Mormon church, the taste of blood still fresh in their mouths from helping pass California's discriminatory, unconstitutional Proposition 8, is now encouraging its members to actively oppose gay civil unions in Illinois, as they continue to campaign against equal rights, writing their own bigotries into the law books of states across the country. Tyson's small-minded viciousness is in microcosm what his church is in the macrocosm.

Bearing in mind that they could end up merging, or suffering a surprise tribal switch, JT and Joe decided to take only one of Timbira's two meager bags of food. This was smart. Arriving back in camp, Sandy Crazy Old Lady was furious at their leaving the other team any food at all. She was in favor of just letting Timbira starve. Sandy would make a good Mormon too.

Sandy is nothing if not classy, by which I mean, she's nothing. She announced of the food haul: "They are fartin' beans." She'd know, as she is the tribe's resident old fart, to coin a phrase.

And thus began the Mutual No-Admiration Society of Sandy Old Fart and Sydney Barbie Doll. I haven't mentioned Sydney much in these columns so far, as she has had minimal screen time, which means, she's never said or done anything interesting enough to make the edit of the show. She's exceptionally pretty for a girl with a man's name. She says she's a model, and she's just pretty enough and vacuous enough for it to be true.

Sydney fired the first shot, announcing to us how annoying she finds Sandy. Can't blame her for that. Sandy is tremendously annoying. Sydney's complaints about Sandy's meaningless babbling was illustrated with a funny clip of Sandy blathering on about nothing at all, without ever managing to finish a sentence or complete a thought before launching an attempt at another sentence, all the while letting her leathery octopus hands roam and slither all over Spencer Jail Bait, who at 19, is roughly 35 years younger than she is. Ew. You may recall her cuddling and groping the poor boy as he slept in last week's episode. If Spencer were just a year and a half younger, Chris Hanson would be showing up at camp saying, "What are you doing here, Sandy? I have your inappropriate treemails to Spencer. The police are waiting for you just outside the lean-to."

Sandy for her part, heard Joe Adonis call Sydney the "hottest Survivor Chick this season," (She is, but Joe, when you come up to see me sometime, and please do, perhaps it's best if you don't speak.) and decided that she wants Sydney gone. I guess she sees her as her competition for the men, although her real rival is Death. Sandy's complaints about Sydney included: "She runs around in her boxers and then, you know, doesn't sleep in a bra at night ..." (Who does?) "... and she is like up against the boys 24/7. Trust me; she is playing this game hard. And oh, it's working. Oh, they love her to death." Sounds to me like it's the boys who are playing hard, so to speak. And you'll notice that everything she's accusing Sydney of is stuff Sandy is doing too.

In any event, the boys aren't complaining, whereas we heard Spencer threaten to "Smack" Sandy when she was getting handsy with him. Apparently Sandy's real complaint is that these men in their youthful prime prefer being flirted with and caressed by a beautiful girl their own age, rather than by a crazy leathery bat old enough to be their grandmother. I have the same problem. Fortunately, I'm rich enough to be able to afford to rent.

Sandy has a plan though: "If I can't outwit her with a body, I'll outwit her with a brain." Whose? Because Sandy has no brain whatever.

Exile Dune: Taj gets the Hidden Immunity Idol Clue this time, which basically announces to her that it's in the tree-mail statue. Taj then said "I knew it was tree mail... It's exactly where I thought it would be." She knew? Then why didn't she find it herself last week? Brendan found the one at his camp last week.

And now the suspense; would Taj thinking Sierra was in the alliance when Brendan hadn't bothered to mention it to her yet result in Sierra getting spooked, and betraying it? Nope. Nothing came of it. Taj invited her to join the alliance, and Sierra, desperate for a friend, was delighted. Another drama fizzle.

As any reality competition fan knows, the secret to a successful alliance, is picking the right name for it. Over the course of this episode, this alliance was called The Exile Alliance, The Awesome Foursome, and Team Secret. Pick an alliance name and stick to it! You're confusing the hell out of the internet message boards. I vote for The Awesome Foursome. Or maybe The Don't-Watch Men.

Normally I don't comment on the B-roll footage of assorted local fauna slithering about, but here they had a shot of a crocodile snapping up a fish that looked cool except that the large fish it attacked was lying on the sand beside the river, apparently sunbathing. This struck me as odd fish behavior. It was almost as though the crew had put the fish there themselves, just to get the shot. This is supposedly reality TV. Such blatantly faked shots just reminds you how fake the whole thing is. Next time, how about a croc attacking Ex-Coach? Or would that constitute cruelty to crocodiles?

For no reasons beyond bad taste and wild narcissism, Tyson the Nude Mormon decided to live up to his name, and strode into camp wearing only a microscopic, homemade loincloth which left little to the imagination, and nothing to the stomach, bragging about the tan he was going to get on his butt cheeks. The shots of his dancing around in it nearly turned me lesbian (again). Ex-Coach Woman-Hater said, "You are the man. This is hilarious." Well, they have no food. What do they need with an appetite?

Erinn is recovering from a romantic break-up and riding The Self-Pity Express. Is she trying to help Ex-Coach drum up votes against her? Compassionate Tyson, fresh from turning my stomach, said of Erinn, "I think she'll be really, really upset when she gets voted off, and I'd like to see a - a freak-out at Tribal. I think that'll be fun." What a fine human being he is. Somewhere in Hell, Brigham Young and the 26 wives he was "Traditionally Married" to are beaming with pride.

Immunity Challenge: Well this was an improvement over the dull holding-heavy-poles challenge. This one had the teams running around in triple-digit heat, on a crisscross path clearly intended to cause collisions that never happened, then untying knots to retrieve poles with puzzle pieces, to then assemble a word puzzle with. Running around while Jeff yells taunts at them? Good TV. Untying knots? Exciting only if you're a boy scout. Solving word puzzles? Who's singing on American Idol? Suddenly we're in the same league as a televised game of Scrabble. Puzzle-solving is not much of a spectator sport, though they tart it up with exciting music. What's next? Spectator math?

Right off Joe, who actually is athletic, outran Ex-Coach by a mile. Ex-Coach is all mouth, no game. He brags to us endlessly about his strength and physical prowess, but I was reminded of the Olympic track-and-field gold medal winner in the last Survivor, who was a total disaster in all the challenges. One suspected she had gold medaled in the Sitting Around Talking Smack event.

Tyson made very fast work of his knots. It was probably due to his experience with bondage.

Sydney Barbie Doll blew Jalapeno's big lead by being unable to untie a simple, loose knot. JT made up the lost time with his speed running, but Timbira got the puzzle done first and won their first challenge in five tries, Jalapeno would finally be sending someone home again. Erinn was so relieved, she was hugging the idol.

Time to start the plotting and backstabbing, as they choose whom to send home. Joe had the funniest line of the night when he told Sydney he was glad to be getting rid of someone in particular: "Her name rhymes with Andy." Joe should have worked on the Enigma Code. Over at American Idol, Randy Jackson was insulted.

Taj joined Sandy in campaigning to get rid of Sydney, the unattractive women plotting against the hot girl. Welcome back to high school. Try not to be too shocked, but the guys all wanted to keep Sydney. However, Sydney did herself no favors by mentioning how she enjoyed that in Survivor, she was free to be "sneaky." Why not just announce "Vote me out."? Well, at least it gave the show editors some footage to use to try and make some pretend suspense about who would be voted out at...

Tribal Council: Jeff Probst to Sandy Whack-Job: "Here we are on Day 12, you're still sitting pretty." Well, she's still sitting anyway.

"I fit in with this gang quite well," said Sandy, showing herself to be utterly delusional, not that that is news.

Jeff asked Sandy a long question that basically boiled down to: Sandy, how does it feel to be an ugly old bag hanging around with a lot of much younger people, who are vastly more attractive than you ever were on the best day of your life? Jeff is aware that Sandy is too insane to be insulted.

Jeff to JT: "She [Sydney] wearing your boxers?"

JT: "Yeah Jeff, she's wearing my boxers." At least she wasn't wearing them while JT was also wearing them, but the point was made; Sydney has gotten into JT's pants.

Jeff to Stephen: "If you're a young beautiful woman, why not try to use it to influence the guys?"

Stephen, secure in his membership in The Awesome Foursome, doesn't point out that he is not a woman, but rather tattles that the real flirting is between Sydney and Joe. What's the matter, Steve? Isn't she flirting with you?

Sydney: "I have a flirtatious personality. I flirt with - women." She would be digging her grave with her mouth (Which tastes awful, by the way.), except the men outnumber the other women on this tribe by 2 to 1.

Taj, quizzed about Sydney's flirting (Jeff is apparently obsessed with Sydney's flirting), says, "That's okay, because I'll make my way through the game regardless."

Jeff is not fooled by Taj's bullcrap: "I don't buy that for a second."

Sydney tries to say how she deals with people always discussing how hot she is, but she gets lost in her sentence, or loses interest, or her little brain just switches off after nine consecutive words: I'm a model, but I'm not - oh, look at the fire. Pretty colors.

Best moment: Jeff to Sandy: "How will this tribe be different tomorrow?"

Sandy: "I think there might be a person or two upset, ah, 'pending on the outcome. I imagine there'll be a couple real upset. So tomorrow will tell the story." Then she smirked smugly, and winked conspiratorially at Jeff! The crazy woman actually thought she was about to blindside Sydney, to the upset of all the men. She lacks, among other things, math skills. There are four men. Sydney will be voting for Sandy. That means that Sandy can count on, at most, two votes.

Math is a science, like Christian Science only real. Sandy was voted out, of course.

But there was one SHOCKING vote!

There was one vote for Joe!

Taj voted against Joe, beautiful, hunky, hairy-chested Joe! My future ex-husband Joe!! What? Taj is now my blood enemy! Taj must die! She joins Ex-Coach on the Must Be Eliminated List! I'm sorry Taj (not really), but you brought this on yourself.

They can keep vacuous, pretty Sydney, but I must also keep gorgeous Joe. I don't know why Taj voted for Joe, but retribution shall be mine! Or my name isn't Tallulah Morehead.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to
The Morehead the Merrier.