Hello darlings. Tonight was the 66th annual Golden Glob Awards, the night all Hollywood is showered with Golden Globs. 66 is, of course, most of 666, so beware; the devil was at work. This will be remembered as the night Mickey Rourke kept mentioning balls, and Kate Winslett acquired a pair of Golden ones. You go - ah - girl?
The show is broadcast in Hi-Def, but my eyes no longer receive in Hi-Def. I compensated by watching while high and somewhat deaf.
Back in the 1970s, I used to love going to The Golden Globs. Lucille Ball and I would get wildly drunk together, and Lucy would heckle the winners, while I fondled their Globs. Those were the days. Fortunately, perhaps in anticipation of it being only nine days away from the end of the repressive Bush Administration, this evening the booze was flowing, and folks were cutting loose. No sticks were permitted in butts at tonight's Golden Globs.
After The Emmy Awards a few months ago were a disaster with too many hosts, the Globs went the other way, and had no hosts at all, just little Rumor Willis as the Gossip Girl.
Jennifer Lopez who, in the evening's first official joke, was introduced as an "actress," simply came out and handed Kate Winslett the first of her many awards. Kate won for playing a Nazi death camp employee who commits statutory rape. Odd things to encourage with an award. Kate said she had "A habit of not winning things." She thoroughly broke that habit tonight. She also thanked her make up people "for making me look so old." In fact, she honored them still further by wearing her old age make up to the show. Kate looked older than Meryl Streep, which is more than Meryl did. Damn you, Hi-Def!
Continuing the joke intros, Sting was introduced as a "Social Activist." Well, he is active socially. And he looked great! He could sting me anytime! Sting was introducing Best Song. The Golden Globs don't make us listen to the entire Best Song nominees; only about sixteen bars each. Please Oscar Awards, adopt this policy!
People needing to go outdoors were asking Entourage nominee Jeremy Piven to step outside for a moment first. Then they'd check how high his Mercury had risen to see if they needed a coat.
Simon Baker, star of The Mentalist, the closest thing to a new hit show this season, was trying to predict what Eva Longoria was going to say by watching her breasts very closely. Talk about coveted globes! When announcing the winner for Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series, Movie, Circus, Scholastic Sex Education Film, or Pageant, Baker said "Laura Dern. Recount!" Which I thought was very rude. Did he think she was lousy, or had he mistaken her for Al Franken?
Here's tomorrow's headlines on Access Hollywood: "Zac Efron's bangs are gone!" You see Zac? With your hair out of your face, you're a nice looking little boy. You'll be a heartbreaker when you grow up.
I'm sorry; Jonathon Rhys-Meyers is only big enough to be about half of Henry VIII. He should be playing Henry IV. (It has a much better script anyway.)
So the evil Skyler from Heroes is the new Mr. Spock? Oh dear. Does he do the Vulcan mind-melds by taking off the top of people's skulls and fondling their brains? Has Chris Pine learned to give Bill Shatner's affected line readings? Chris, let me hear you say "Mad cow." By the way Chris and Zack, if you ever do gay porn together, I will buy it in a second, because you two make a smoking-hot male couple.
The Golden Globs showed their commitment to only the highest quality work by giving a Glob to Anna Paquin for playing, in their own words, "a mind-reading barmaid in love with a vampire." Darlings, change "maid" to "patron," and that's my autobiography!
As he proved at The Emmys, once again Ricky Gervais showed why he should host every award show. He is, as always, the funniest man in the room, Tina Fey with a penis, and he made his hilarious remarks with drink in hand. Sadly, he had to introduce the clip from something called Happy Go Lucky, and the clip couldn't follow Ricky. After the clip I didn't want to see the movie or want Sally Hawkins to win. I did, however, want Ricky to stay.
When the Jonas Brothers came out there was no screaming. They must have been disoriented. Since it was a room full of increasingly drunken adults, no one there knew who The Jonas Brothers are, except maybe Anna Paquin, and she was in the press room, flaunting her Glob. (The Jonas Brother in the middle was kind of cute. Middle Jonas, are you over 18? Do you have I.D.? If so, call me.)
The Glob the Jonases spewed was for Best Animated Movie. It went to Wall-E, a movie about a robot made by a computer. Remember when humans won awards?
Johnny Depp darling, one tiny bit of advice: grooming Johnny, grooming.
When Johnny Depp mistakenly handed Sally Hawkins one of Kate Winslett's awards, she said of her Glob, "I have to put this down. - You call yourself an award? I've seen better globes at the Flat-Earth Society"
Why do people keep pretending that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is profound? It's a movie about a person doing what no one ever does. It's not "A fable for our time." It's a ridiculous, creepy fantasy. It has all the profundity of The Adventures of Superman. Just in Hollywood, where people desperately cling to the fantasy that they can get younger if they spend enough on plastic surgery, only to end up looking like Burt Reynolds, can this silly, overlong trifle be considered profound.
Right after the Benjamin Button clip, out came proof of what I just said: Jessica Lange's face lifts and Botox has turned her forehead into stone, and ravaged her beauty. Jessica has become yet another formerly-beautiful woman who has deliberately destroyed her once-gorgeous face by refusing to age naturally.
Let me get this straight: Tom Hanks won a Glob for playing Paul Giamatti playing John Adams? Tom introduced a "Gary Getsman." Is that his name, or is he gay and bragging?
Heath Ledger didn't even bother to show up to accept his Glob for Best Supporting Actor in an Actual Movie. What a joker. Probably just as well. The bitter losers could have killed him. In the clip, Heath said to Zorro, "You complete me." Didn't he say the same thing to Jake Gyllenhall in Brokeback Mountain?
The reason Frost/Nixon didn't win anything was that the voters were afraid it might actually be Defrost Nixon, and no one wants him back. In the clip, Nixon joined in the general foul-mouthed tone of the evening by asking David Frost if he's done any "fornicating" the night before. So inaccurate. Nixon always called it "Slap-and-Tickle."
They had my future ex-husband Colin Farrell give out Best Foreign Language Film. Darlings, an Irish dialect is not a foreign language. Colin complained that his sniffles weren't due to cocaine use. Poor dear. In a stunning mix-up, the award went to Waltz With Bashir, which was supposed to win Best Animated Feature. The director, Ari Folman, dedicated the award to eight babies he said were "born in our tiny studio in Tel Aviv during the making of Waltz With Bashir." What a slave driver! He won't even give his employees time off to go have their babies in a hospital. Whoever heard of an animation studio with a maternity wing?
Shirley MacLaine looked like Brad Pitt in the opening reels of Benjamin Button in drag. She needs youthenizing.
Laura Linney won Best Actress in a Movie, Mini-Series, Infomercial or You Tube Clip, for pretending she would ever marry Paul Giamatti.
Why was Gerard Butler wearing clothes? That should be illegal!
Seth Rogan complained that if he'd gotten to present in the 1980s, he could have done cocaine with Mickey Rourke. (There were better people to do coke with back then than Mickey, Seth.) He might have mentioned that, if he'd presented in the 1780s, he could have done snuff with John Adams.
In accepting Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy Series (What scripted musical TV series are there? Name one!), Alec Baldwin gave "My love to my daughter Ireland, who makes me laugh when I'm at home." That's sweet. She makes him good and mad over the telephone.
Renee Zellwiger, wearing a black chiffon potato sack, presented a soft-core pornography clip from The Reader, in which Kate Winslett tried reading a very clean, naked, underage boy via Braille. I was expecting Chris Hanson to walk in saying, "What are you doing here, Kate? He may be a reader, but I've been reading your emails to him. 'I want to bathe you and [bleep] you while you read to me. From HornyFrau21' Isn't that a bit inappropriate, Kate?" Frankly, I think we were lucky we weren't all arrested. Apparently The Reader is kiddie pron!
Pierce Brosnan called himself fortunate to have been in Momma Mia. I guess they didn't make him listen to his own "singing."
When Sean "Bo Diddley" Combs came out, all I could think is, at least he isn't Kanye West. Both Sean and Kanye are seriously full of themselves, but Kanye is borderline insane.
I was delayed getting this typed up because my ghost writer and amanuensis, Little Dougie, was trying to get Mary Louise Parker from Weeds on the phone. Apparently she wouldn't make some delivery he was waiting for until after her category was announced.
When Tina Fey, who is a goddess I worship, won Best Actress in a Comedy Series, Traveling Tent Revival, or Flea Circus, she singled out all the Haters on the Internet who had dissed her, and told them they could "Suck it." (The exact same thing that Greer Garson said to Louis B. Mayer in her acceptance speech when she won her Oscar for Mrs. Miniver.) Tina darling, I adore you, but I also love to suck it. May I?
They gave the Cecil Blunt DeMille Award to little Stevie Spielberg, whom I confess, shows a lot of promise, if he can ever get a really big project green-lit. They showed a montage of clips from Stevie's little films. You know, without The Color Purple, which starred Whoopi and Oprah, we'd have no daytime TV talk shows. I missed the clip from Surgarland Express. His montage ended with the greatest film he ever had a hand in, perhaps The Greatest Movie Ever Made: Transformers.
Does a standing ovation mean anything if everyone standing wants you to give them work? Stevie said that DeMille's The Greatest Show on Earth was the first movie he ever saw. How fortunate, since it meant that every movie he ever saw afterwards would be better. Talk about starting at the bottom! And it inspired him to join The Gomez Addams School of Model Railroading.
Who Wants to be a Slumdog Millionaire? swept the serious film awards.. Apparently these were the Bollywood Golden Globs. This is what happens when you let a lot of foreigners into the Hollywood Foreign Press.
There were major awards to Revolutionary Road and Mad Men. Just as the Baby Boomers hit their 60s, all the awards start going to recreations of the 1950s, with the Boomers using their kids to portray their parents as miserable monsters.
As for Revolutionary Road, who wants to spend $10 to watch a couple have loud, bitter arguments in the suburbs, when you can stay home and live it for free? So you can see it done in 1950s fashions and hairstyles?
In his acceptance speech, my future-ex-husband Colin Farrell gave thanks to "Catholic Guilt" and "Delightful Remorse." Okay. I'd have gone with "Vodka" and "Orgasmic Response" myself.
Selama Hayak's eyebrows called Vicky Cristina Barcelona "the best comedy in years," proving that she doesn't see many comedies. All right, Woody Allen replaced himself in the cast with dreamy Javier Bardem, thus for the first time making a romantic comedy where you can actually believe the drop dead gorgeous women in it would actually sleep with the leading man, but is that enough? I think the Hollywood Foreign Press just liked it because the hot women in it all slept with a foreigner.
Sasha Baron Cohen came out and was every bit as funny as Ricky Gervais. Please consider Sasha to host The Oscars next time.
On accepting her fourth or fifth Glob, Kate Winslett thanked the writer of the novel Revolutionary Road. He's dead, Kate; he won't be writing you any more roles. And the sordid truth is, Kate got that role the old fashioned way; she slept with the director.
Mickey Rourke took his annual shower for the occasion, but skipped the hair conditioner, and completely forgot to wash out his dirty mouth. He mentioned "Balls" more often than Joan Crawford at a fraternity stag party. He got bleeped repeatedly, and they had to black out the screen when his film's director flipped him The Finger. (Thank God America was saved from the sight of a man's middle finger!) Mickey has made an amazing comeback but -- do we want him back? Has anyone missed him? Mickey thanked his dogs, at which point he became the first person all evening to be played off, even after Kate Winslett had spoken for the better part of an hour. Ah Mickey Rourke. You can dress him up, but you can't take him anywhere. They certainly weren't watering his drinks.
Why was that almost-life-size Tom Cruise even there? He wasn't nominated for anything. And it's not like he makes a party. (All right. it turns oout he was a nominee after all. I stand corrected. He may be standing too. It's hard to tell with Tom.)
Like this column, the awards ran overlong, so the poor little producer of Who Wants to be a Slumdog Millionaire?, Christian Colson, got cut off right after he got "Oh shit!" bleeped out (Simply everyone was quoting potty-mouthed old Greer Garson this evening.) and thanked "my girlfriend, for only dumping me once." Let's hope she takes the hint, and dumps him again.
Until The Screen Actors Guild Awards, this is Tallulah Morehead saying Cheers darlings.