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Tamar Chansky

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How to Prevent Disappointment: 6 Strategies for Getting What You Need

Posted: 07/11/2012 7:40 am

I want it! I need it! I have to have it! If I don't, I'm gonna... Thank goodness people can't hear what we're saying in our heads, because no matter whether the "it" we are waiting for is -- to hear back from a first date, job interview, a store clerk with a price check, or just any mere sign of hope from the universe -- we are going to sound strikingly similar to a child having a tantrum, even if we are dressed in a grown-up Armani suit with matching shoes.

When we say, "It better happen or else I'm gonna" fact is, the thing we're "gonna" do is get frustrated or, over time, even depressed. We create expectations, ultimatums and deals without making sure that the people who could make our dreams come true are actually in on the plan -- whether that's ourselves or someone else. We say things like: I should have gotten that promotion, I was supposed to! Supposed to? Says who? Or, I should have gotten that 20-item to do list done today. Really? That challenge would have been kryptonite to Superman. We are crushed. By what?

The real problem is that there's no handshake between our expectations and reality. We can't make people call us back, or make promotions happen, or get 15 hours of work done in an eight-hour workday. Yet we insist on having the exact outcome we were picturing in our minds. It's kind of like if a wish, a need, and a demand walked into a bar together, had too much to drink, and walked out with each other's identity cards.

You can't always get what you want. The Rolling Stones called it. But these words are as much disregarded as they are immortal. How do we prevent unmet expectations from derailing us? It's up to us to adjust our expectations to fit reality, to make the handshake happen. Reality tends not to make the first move.

Rather than expecting a refund when we are disappointed, we need to clearly distinguish between wants, needs, and demands. If this sounds too complicated, think of how you explain this to your child: "You don't need that new PlayStation 4, iPad 3, etc. You would like to have it. Your life won't be totally better with it, and it won't be totally a disaster without it.

So, the challenge in front of you is to tell those words to your inner child. Here are some strategies for making safer, smarter expectations.

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  • Change Demands Into Preferences

    Substitute the words <em>I would like, I would prefer, or I wish</em> for <em>I have to, I need to, it must, it should</em>. Notice your blood pressure ease. Rather than manufacture disappointment by insisting on something that either your life doesn't really depend on or that is outside of your control because it's up to someone else to come through, do yourself a favor and release rather than clutch.

  • Make Expectations About What You Can Control

    You want a new job, but you can't hire yourself. Instead of saying "I have to get a job next month," say, "I am going to send out 20 resumes, or I am going to follow up on 15 networking contacts, or I am going to spend 10 hours a week on job hunting." This is the part that you can commit to. When you set a goal about something you can't control, you get disappointed and discouraged when it doesn't happen even though the problem isn't with you, it's with your goal

  • Make The Covert, Overt

    I wish my husband would help out more, I wish my friends would initiate plans with me, I wish my kids cleaned up their toys! Like blowing out birthday candles, no one knows about those wishes except for you -- so how can we expect people to come through for us when they really never got the memo? Be proactive: Tell people what you'd like and ask them if they can do it.

  • Patience Is a Virtue: Dream Big* (Work Small)

    Dream big -- that's what we tell our children. But there should be an asterisk after that idea that explains that the way we realize big goals is by small steps. If we hold out and insist that only the big win will do, well, we'll be holding out a long, long time. Shift your expectations from the big picture to the smaller to do list. When we visualize smaller parts, we have options about what part we are ready to work on. If we are stuck on one part of the project, we can put it aside and find the part that we can do -- the moving part. Or, if there is a part that we don't like, we can shift to the part we do.

  • Get The Explanation Straight

    When things don't work out as planned, rather than inventing sweeping conclusions that are off the mark about why, get in the habit of making sure you know the real reason. You think:<em> If she didn't text, she doesn't love me</em>, or <em>If I don't find my toddler adorable all the time, then I'm not a good mother.</em> Your first take at an explanation is going to be extreme and unfounded. Go back for a second try and find the explanation that is newsworthy -- in <em>The New York Times</em>, not <em>The National Enquirer</em>. If you don't know the reason why people don't call back, etc., don't fill in the blank with something horrible just to have an answer. Often the explanation comes late. She didn't text because she was in a meeting. You're not a bad mother; you were totally sleep-deprived.

  • It's OK Even When It's Not: Give More Breathing Room

    Dare to make room for the possibility that things aren't going to work out perfectly. Say to yourself:<em> I'm not going to get everything done on my to do list today, and that's OK. Not everything is going to run smoothly today, and that's OK</em>. Or,<em> I'm probably going to be late today, or not answer all my emails, or someone might not be helpful to me today and that's OK. </em>Notice how you are not jinxing yourself, you are merely making room for expecting what is likely to actually happen. Where's the stress in that? And you might even find that by easing your expectations, you go into your day less stressed and as a result are more productive and efficient.

  • De-Stress Breathing Exercise

    The Energy Guru shows you a breathing exercise to de-stress yourself.

While no one likes disappointment, remember: By clutching very tightly to needing things to go exactly as we imagine, we usually manufacture it ourselves. The good news is that we can create something different, something better. Try these ideas and with more flexibility in your expectations, you just might find in the other immortal words of the Rolling Stones: You get what you need.

For more by Tamar Chansky, click here.

For more on mindfulness, click here.

 

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