I have always been a loner. Growing up some days it worked well for me other days it was a burden. The burden was on my heart, I was my only friend I had, so I really had no one to talk to. At times like those I had to just deal with issues and problems using my own judgment as I had no one to discuss it with. But when my judgment didn't work or I made mistakes, I ran back into my shell. I believed that I was less of a person; I wondered how I could make such wrong decisions. In my mind I was a total mess and just plain simple dumb. I began the blame game -- with myself. I blamed myself for everything that didn't work for me, which included my shyness, my insecurity and my imagination.
Thinking that I was the problem, I started to believe in other people's opinion of me. I also gave them power to make decisions for me and I became a follower. I followed everyone who that tried to act or behave like they knew everything. I followed:
• Narcissist people who loved themselves so much that they would walk all over others to fulfill their own interests.
• Bullies that saw me as a weak person and decided to bully me through their words and actions
• Pessimists who liked to walk over my optimistic point of view
• Friends who even themselves didn't know they were enemies
Many of these people sucked out the life from me and when I reached a point of being in an emotional coma; I had to do the unthinkable task of looking within. As a human who loved to conceal her pain and let others take the leash of my life, I started the blame game again -- this time blaming others.
Ah the concept of blaming is such a powerful self fulfilling yet destructive game. It allows us to feel like we are better than others, it strokes our ego, putting the other person down because of course it's their fault. We were just a victim of their anger and frustration and we blame them. Personally for myself, I firstly allowed people to take control of my life, make decisions for me and then I blamed and resented them because they did that.
When I look back now it makes me think the people around me were only narcissistic and bullies because I allowed them to treat me that way. I showed them that I wasn't worthy of being respected or of being treated like a human being. I finally realized that is the way the human mind works. When we give someone power over our mind and actions, the majority of people will become narcissistic and egocentric, what then what happens to us is that we become bitter, insecure and angry. It's like when you put a bad seed in the soil it won't grow properly, in the same way if we sow the wrong kind of seeds into a relationship the end result is something incomplete and broken.
Yes many people do deserve to be blamed for their actions however I am talking about the blame game and me. We played hide and seek for years, first the blame game followed me and then I followed it.
After all these years of blaming others and myself, I finally realized that I needed to cut these strings of being followed and to take my life in my own hands. It's the scariest thing- to make difficult decisions and then wait for the consequences but it's the most liberating feeling ever. I have never felt so powerful and peaceful in my life. I am trying to stop blaming myself and others around me and sit in the front seat of my life!
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