Hey, America
My name is Donald Trump. Like every elementary school-aged child trapped in the body of a megalomaniacal man, I use my Social-Emotional Learning Toolbox that gives me the very best tools on the face of the Earth that I need to simulate human emotions. I keep my toolbox in the biggest man-cave of hyperbole that the universe has ever seen (or at least that Miss Universe has ever seen).
As the Republican nominee for President of the United States of Everyone Except Women, Jews, Handicapped People, Blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, Gay People, Overweight People, Transgendered People, Immigrants, and Ugly People, these tools help me to stand on the boat of life and scream "I'm King of the World!" and also to master apathy - I mean empathy. If Handy Manny were white, had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and used 12 social-emotional learning tools to build a beautiful, homogenous, Second Amendment-caring community, that would be me! Let me break it down for you:
1. BREATHING TOOL: I calm myself and check in. Sometimes I check in on the Twitter, sometimes I check at the tanning salon. My breathing technique is this: I suck all the air out of a room and then blow out people's dreams. They call me "Blow Hard" which is a testament to how amazing I am at this tool.
2. QUIET SAFE PLACE TOOL: I remember my quiet, safe place: staring at my reflection in the pool of my penthouse or enjoying the view from the top a huge, divisive wall or judging a beauty pageant while simultaneously pressing a big red button that drops an A-Bomb somewhere.
3. LISTENING TOOL: What? Oh, right. I listen with my beers, fries and heart. Which means you should leave me alone and talk to the campaign intern on lunch break.
4. PERSONAL SPACE TOOL: I have a right to my space and you have a right to yours except if you're in my way or say something I don't like and then my communications director will hammer you in the knee caps.
5. EMPATHY TOOL: I care for a lot of things. Things like real estate, super delegates, Howard Stern, women with 18" waists and DD breasts, and a tiny Chinese Crested dog who goes to the same hairstylist as I do and may or may not be a Chinese spy. More importantly, I care for myself because I'm very rich, my fingers are long and beautiful and so are other parts of my body, I'm extremely intelligent, and I absolutely, unequivocally do not have small hands.
6. USING OUR WORDS TOOL: I always use the right words in the write way, like a meandering stream of vacuous and offensive vocal flatulence. I have been called The Love Canal of Words, which I take as a compliment because I continue to unleash endless amounts of toxicity, contaminate the fabric of our national community, and America still loves me. And when I don't use my Word Tool, I use a gun.
7. GARBAGE CAN TOOL: I let the little things go. Little things are stupid and unimportant. As President, I promise to never bore you with the details about the economy, jobs, terrorism, international relations or health care. Because I don't have any.
8. TAKING TIME TOOL: No one - including my mother - has ever been able to put me in a time-out, but I do take time-ins and time-aways, especially to Turks and Caicos. When it comes to my children, I definitely prefer time away until they reach voting age or marry someone who can appear to diversify (but not really) my voter base. And I always take time to visit the seamstress who hand-stitches the flaxen fluff of hummingbird nests that composes my hair restoration project.
9. PLEASE AND THANK YOU TOOL: I treat others who do as I say with kindness and appreciation by never actually looking at them in the eye, but by nodding curtly, giving them a 0.2% year-end bonus, and not saying "You're fired." Pleases and Thank-Yous are implied. Obviously.
10. APOLOGY AND FORGIVENESS TOOL: As God is my witness, I will never, ever admit my mistakes because I adhere to the teachings of the ancient philosopher Shaggy: WASN'T ME. That tweet with the Star of David image and money raining down on the "most corrupt candidate ever?" That plagiarized speech? Trump University being a massive scam? Wasn't me, baby. I am, however, working on forgiving you for all of your mistakes. Unless you're a member of NATO.
11. PATIENCE TOOL: Because of my voracious appetite and lack of reasoning skills, I am able to sit and wait by the banks of our beautiful country and then swallow it whole. It will take me at least four years to digest all of you.
12. COURAGE TOOL: I have the courage to do the things that the voices in my head tell me are right. Women should be punished for abortions. Mexicans should be punished for being Mexican. Muslims should be punished for being Muslim. Rosie O'Donnell should be punished for being Rosie O'Donnell. We need walls and guns, goddamn it, walls and guns! Some people say I'm a radicalized idiot. I say I'm the courageous man who's going to make America a Quentin Tarantino reality show.