Imagine this: One night, after a few margaritas, you drift into a blissful dream on the sofa. It's your wedding day, you're standing in front of all your favorite people in the world holding hands with your beloved (who's completely naked, but who cares. It's your dream and *you* look amazing!) The officiant speaks those timeless words, "Is there anyone present who sees a reason why these two should not be joined..." and you wonder why they even bother to ask -- get to the kissing part already! All of a sudden, you hear a loud SLAM. You flick your head around just in time to see your Ex burst through the doors in a frenzied state and scream, "I DOOOOOooooooo."
Crap. Your Ex has just dream-crashed your wedding.
You wake in a cold sweat and think to yourself, "Yeah, that could totally happen to me. After all, if Selena and the Beebs could crash a wedding, why couldn't my Ex crash mine?" You begin lying awake night after night worrying that this nightmare could actually become a reality.
If you're truly concerned that your unwanted Ex (or your unwanted Ex's mother, who never quite recovered from the breakup) will crash your wedding, here are a few tips to consider:
Protect your wedding websiteThe easiest way to prevent your Ex from crashing your wedding is to prevent him or her from knowing exactly when and where it will take place. While both paper and paperless wedding invitations are sent to specific individuals, your wedding website can be an open book if not properly protected. You should:
- Ensure your website is password protected or that all important details, like date, location, travel information, etc. are on password-protected pages. Note: Using your Ex's name as the password is not advised. If each guest has a personal login and password, the protection will be much stronger.
- Do not include the date or location of your celebration in the website title, as this information can be displayed at the top of the browser
- Do not include the date or location in a part of the website design (like a background image) that is visible without entering a password
Alert key friends and family members
Now I'm not suggesting you include the line: "no Ex's allowed, see other side for details" at the bottom of your wedding invitation with a full list of names on the back (after all, 3 ft. scroll invites are *so* 2011... ) However, the last thing you want is to spend time and energy building Fort Knox security around your website only to have your second cousin, three times removed go blabbing about the location or, worse, bring your Ex as their date. Um, awk-ward.
If you have friends in common with your Ex, it's worth discreetly sharing your concerns and asking them to keep the details private. You can also ask them to give you a heads-up if your Ex makes any off-handed comments about Vince and Owen bro-mances or moms making meatloaf.
Be blunt with your Ex
If your Ex has exhibited stalker behavior in the past, this might be a good time for a serious "it's not me, it's you" heart-to-heart chat. The important thing is to be straightforward and honest. Explain, in no uncertain terms, that your Ex did not make the A-list and the B-list odds just aren't looking good. If you already have a restraining order in place, it might be best to send one of your burly friends or family members to deliver the message for you.
Get married out of town
Hosting a destination wedding is extremely fun, and it means that your Ex will need to put in some extra effort to reach you. Plus, it's likely that someone will learn of your Ex's travel plans and can alert you about suspicious location or travel behavior. (NOW you'll be glad for your Ex's Foursquare obsession and endless TripIt updates.)
Send your Ex out of town
Better than getting married out of town, let you Ex THINK you're getting married out of town ... in an exciting destination like, say, Barrow, Alaska. (Yeah, yeah, Barrowians -- don't get your knickers in a twist. We all know you fantasize about destination weddings in Cancun. Woot woot -- foam party!)
Nothing like a few tweets or Facebook postings about how you're SO EXCITED!!!!! to be packing your down parka, six pairs of wooly mittens and toe warmers in your wedding trousseau to send your Ex off track.
Assign lookouts and bouncers
If your celebration approaches and you're still having those nightmares, don't feel shy about selecting a few guests to be official lookouts and bouncers. Choose your most trustworthy guests to keep an eye on the door, bar and gift table and others who can remove your Ex (or would-have-been-mother-in-law) if the unthinkable happens. Remember, protective grandmas and nagging aunts can perform miracles when armed with a taser* and pepper spray.
If everyone on your guest list is too petit or lush-prone to field that responsibility, bring a photo of your Ex to share with venue staff and ask them to stay alert. Venues are very quick to remove unwanted intruders.**
At the end of the day, preventing your Ex from stalking your wedding comes down to protecting the details and preparing for a "what if?" scenario. Don't be afraid to ask for help! And don't let the worry consume you to the point where you can't enjoy preparing for or participating in your celebration. Most important, don't let your crasher-Ex believe anything the tabloids wrote about your breakup. You're definitely NOT "staying really good friends" and that includes your Ex keeping well away from your wedding. Snap.
*Except in CT, HI, IL, MA, MI, NJ, NY and RI, where tasers are prohibited or only allowed inside the home. Sorry.
**Research conducted on "Cops," "Lockup Raw," and "Jersey Shore."