This week's episode was billed as "The most emotional season finale in Bachelorette history." But unless bikinis make you teary, it was pretty tame. Though Jillian had "doubts" about the two remaining men, the conflict felt pretty contrived. Was the passion there with Ed after it fell flaccid -- sorry, flat in the fantasy suite? Was Kiptyn really ready to make a long-term commitment? Who did she choose: cuddly commitment or sexy passion? Read on to find out. (Or just scroll to the bottom)
Family Dates
First up was Ed and the date began with some cuddling on an outdoor couch. Ed wanted to reassure Jillian about his passion, and showed a healthy dose of chest hair for emphasis. Then he met Jillian's family and told them all about how he ditched Jillian and left the show. Why? To add conflict to the next fifteen minutes. But, of course he won them with his emotional sincerity or whatever.
Jillian's mom had prepared sixty six questions, which revealed important things about Ed -- like how he'd like to retire in Hawaii. Mom saw how Jilly was glowing and thought it meant she had strong feelings for Ed. (I think it meant she had a good time with Kiptyn in the Fantasy Suite the night before.) Then Ed moved on to Jillian's dad, to get permission to propose. Well, he asked what her dad's opinion would be if he proposed. Close enough. Dad said he'd be happy and Ed expressed his love for Jillian for the millionth time. Then, to show us that he had a lighter side, Ed donned on a hula skirt and danced around for a bit.
Next up was Kiptyn. His date also began with making out on an outdoor couch (but a different couch). Jillian's mom asked Kiptyn her questions and we learned that in forty years he sees himself on a patio somewhere drinking coffee. When J's dad asked if he was in love, Kiptyn said "I'm getting there a lot quicker than I could". Quick enough?
Jillian's mom was into Kiptyn's energy (slash steaminess), but Jillian's dad was into Ed's depth. When her dad told her Ed wanted to propose, Jillian giggled. A lot. Then she pulled her cousin aside for "girl talk" and shared her "concerns" about Ed and their fantasy-less suite. Cousin kept emphasizing the importance of passion in a relationship.
Last Date with Ed
Ed's date began with a helicopter ride, which was exciting because there'd been a shortage the past few weeks. They flew over volcanoes and Jillian got excited because apparently Ed was excited. Then there was making out. Lots of it, to the soundtrack of Ed talking about how sexy it all was. They went swimming by a waterfall (which got Ed even more excited) and there was more bikini/ mankini making out. But Jillian kept wondering: would the same passion be there in the bedroom? Off to the bedroom they went, where Ed yet again confessed his love. Then they turned out the light --thankfully it stayed out-- and we cut to.... Volcanoes erupting!
Kiptyn's Last Date
Now that she knew Ed could swing it in the bedroom, Jillian had to find out if Kiptyn was "in it for the long run." Enter new character: Kiptyn's abs! Kiptyn has a very pretty set of abdominal muscles that he keeps nicely oiled and shiny. Would this surprise twist factor into Jillian's decision? After a healthy dose of ab close-shots, Kiptyn told the camera he saw a future with Jillian , which included a proposal, marriage and kids. He would incessantly repeat this sentence throughout the rest of the episode.
The date began with Jillian straddling Kiptyn on a boogied board and engaging in some serious bikini-clad making out as they floated around. I think they had a picnic on a deserted island, but we mostly saw footage of the hot and heavy boogie board ride back to Kiptyn's hotel. There, he told Jillian he wanted a future, marriage, etcetera. Jillian said that was exactly what she wanted to hear. Then it was time for some serious making out in bed -- Kiptyn holding a glass of wine in one hand all the while.
Decision Time!
With only an hour left in the episode, it was time for Jillian to deliberate. Even though she clearly had already made her choice. Meanwhile, Kiptyn and his abs went for a run on the beach and Ed sat in a tree contemplating. They both bought rings and put on their fancy suits (but not before we got to see Kiptyn and his abs walking around in a towel).
The Runner Up
Jillian, wearing a puffy, white, very bridal dress, waited at the end of what looked a lot like a long plank. Symbolism? As the first limo pulled up, Jillian said she was crazy about this guy, and he was perfect -- just not for her. And out came ... Kiptyn and his abs! Surprise. Kiptyn told Jillian he loved her (but it was too late, because Ed had already said it 8 million times) and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. When she rejected him, Kiptyn was surprisingly cool and said he just wanted her to be happy. Now that is some impressive Possible Future Bachelor diplomacy! In fact, I think Kiptyn was much more into that possibility than Jillian, because he never even pulled out the ring.
In his limo ride to the airport, Kiptyn stared at the ring and did his best to muster half a tear. This was, after all, the first time he'd had his "heart broken." After he left, Jillian said "I've never had to let somebody go that I'm crazy about. (Except Reid, about whom she said the exact same thing the week before.)
And The One Left Standing Is...
We watched Ed approach in his white limo while Jillian got all excited and then... suddenly a red minivan pulled up! Out stepped Reid, wearing some very sexy white sneakers, jeans and a jacket.
It's Down To Two Again!
The first thing Reid told Jillian was how many "strings he pulled" to get there. Uh ... like your telephone cord, when the producers called asking you to come back? Jillian was shocked! She told Reid letting him go was the hardest thing she had to do date. (Wait, what about letting go of Kiptyn and his abs two minutes ago?) It should be noted that throughout the conversation, the two stayed in a very tight embrace.
Reid told Jillian he'd been an idiot for never telling her he loved her. He explained that he'd had an Ed-ly experience when he left and he realized how much he cared about her. He then dropped the L-bomb and proposed. At first Jillian was all smiles, but then she got serious and went inside to figure things out. As Reid waited outside, we saw Ed still approaching in the limo. Inside, some serious RomCom fairytale ending music played while Jill spoke to Chris. And with some helpful prompting from him, she realized Ed was The One.
Jillian went back out, said no thank you to Reid and hugged him some more. As Reid left, she put her hands on her hips and said "Ed better not f-bleep-ing disappoint me" (Ed, who had ostensibly been riding around Hawaii in a white limo for three hours at this point) And suddenly, after all the crying and hugging with Reid, Jillian knew she was "100 percent madly in love with Ed."
And The Winner Really Is...
Ed finally showed and told Jillian she'd changed him as a man (in eight short weeks- actually six, for him - wow!). Jillian told Ed she loved him madly and then there was smooching. Ed got down on one knee, pulled out the ring (which, for the product placement aficionados out there, was Neil Land) and asked Jillian to give him a hard time when she was eighty years old. Oh, that was the proposal. Jillian squealed "absolutely" and jumped into his arms. Cue: cheesy slowmo montage of Jillian and Ed throughout the season, with country music ballad underscore. Then she gave Ed the last rose, jumped on his back and rode off into the sunset. The End.
But wait! There's more! Tune in to After The Final Rose tonight to see how Jillian and Ed are doing, what our old friend Melissa Rycroft is up to and most importantly: who the next Bachelor Pick will be. Is it Kiptyn and his washboard abs? Or Jake and his perfection? Oh, the emotion of it all.
Tonight's Drinking Game: Oh just drink. You'll need to.
**Update: After the Final Rose in Brief
- Jillian and Ed showed so much affection for one another, it almost seemed fake.
- Kiptyn said he didn't have hard feelings, while Reid was clearly not over it.
- I'm pretty sure Melissa Rycroft had a nose job.
- There was no Bachelor announcement for next season. But, you can nominate someone here. I say we all vote for foot fetishist Tanner F, so this show can finally have some diversity.