05/26/2011 06:37 pm ET Updated Jul 26, 2011

The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap

Ashley #2 is back! I've lost count of what number she is in the long line of brokenhearted rejects back to humiliate themselves for a second time. But, like all those before her, she began the episode discussing the mistakes she made on the Bachelor (See: Fear, Not letting yourself love, Not trusting that some loves you, Blah, Blah and Blah).

There were the usual shots of Ashley living her normal life: walking along a beach, dramatically dancing on an empty stage and checking on a dental "patient" (who I'm fairly convinced was an actor). She's ready to put her heart on the line! She feels like the luckiest person in the world! She's trying to bring back the belly shirt?

Ashley sat down for her first heart to heart with love sage, Chris Harrison and again went over how she failed the last time. "I looked like a fool for trying not to be a fool," she wisely explained. But this time, she wouldn't let her fears stop her from following her heart. And it's true! She already has a new hairdo (with bangs!) and wore a very sparkly dress.

*DRAMA UPDATE* Apparently, one of the women from Brad's season told Ashley one of the guys (Bentley from Utah -- so I 'm guessing the tattler was Michelle Money) was there for the wrong reasons. Chris thought that was the craziest thing! Except he didn't even pretend to be surprised. Obviously someone has to be there for the wrong reasons, and since everyone knows it's coming, why not just plant that from the beginning, right? (Cut to: the previews at the end of the episode that already show Bentley is there for the wrong reason and breaks Ashley's heart.)

Then it was time for her to meet the guys. Ashley was picked up, spun around, had her picture taken (by a self-identified Bachelor fan. Hello: wrong reasons!) and hugged many many times. She received gifts of: wine, a broken compass, an unwanted (and avoided) kiss, ballet tickets in New York (For when? She's in LA filming? Zero sense!) a secret handshake shared by one guy and his uncle, a super lame rap, a super lame poem and dental floss.

At the party, the first guy to grab her was Ryan. He told her he was intelligent, active, had 600 employees at the solar energy company he started, cared about saving the world and was serious. Ashley later gave him the first impression rose because he was "modest."

Matt put his mom on speakerphone who gave Ashley some Fantasy Suite advice. (Remember your moms are watching and use protection.) Ben C. held up signs in a window to get her attention (See: Love Actually). J.P., an overly suave/ admittedly sexy/ completely untrustworthy New Yorker told Ashley the only gifts he brought were "myself and my smile."

Among the mélange of crew cuts, she met three long-haired, soulful eyed Keanu Reeves types who I can't quite tell apart. Stephen is a California hairstylist, Constantine tied dental floss around her finger and Ben is a Sonoma winemaker. I think he's one of my favorites; he seems like a (relatively -- RELATIVELY) sweet guy. But he isn't as chiseled as the crew cuts, so he has no chance in the long run.

William is a generally unlucky dude and the guy girls date right before they meet The One (See: Good Luck Chuck). He told Ashley he was a "30 year old boy" and wanted to live life-like he was "a little kid." That's supposed to be attractive? Still, Bad Luck Willy is cute and will be there for comedic relief, so I like him too.

Jeff from St. Louis, wore a mask so Ashley could judge him based on what's inside. (Hilarious!) Last season we had a vampire, this season its the Phantom of the Opera. Ashley bought it . The other guys, not so much. Especially Tim, a liquor distributor from Queens who seemed very scared of Jeff. Tim seemed scared of everything, including Ashley. He was also very drunk. He eventually fell asleep and Ashley sent him home early, with the help of her valiant suitors (who were more than happy to escort him to the limo and knock off some competition early).

Bad News Bentley told Ashley he was there for the right reasons and would tell her "if there as ever a question mark." This left Ashely confused because he seemed so "genuine." But if someone wasn't genuine, wouldn't they pretend to be genuine? Oh silly Ashley. Of course, Bentley told the camera he was "not overly attracted to her" but was "very competitive." *WRONG REASONS ALERT*

Then, there are the guys who won't be around for long. Nick is a personal trainer from Florida, with the worst kind of Matthew McConaughey hair, a soul patch and terrible rhyming skills. Frank, the Southern gentleman who tried a little too hard with hand kissing, picking Ashley up, spinning her around, tangoing and dipping her. Just pick one, dude. Mickey is the chef whose attempted kiss Ashley recoiled from. Chris M. (always so many Chrises?) is a Canadian with an accent too ridiculous to take him seriously. Michael is the nerdy funny guy who is too quirky to love. Ames is a New York finance guy who has an arsenal of Ivy League degrees in place of a personality.

Rose Ceremony
Masked Jeff got the first rose, the long-haired Keanu types were all top picks and the last rose went to ... you guessed it: Bad News Bentley.

Drunk Tim had already left and the rest of rejects were equally unsurprising.
Anthony (a butcher who looked like a Jersey Shore cast member at a 10 year reunion), Rob (markedly less cute than the other guys -- clearly never a contender) and Jon (both he and his and his family were way too into Ash from watching her on tv).

Next Week's Drinking Game

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