First Vienna and Jake ended, then it was Ed and Jillian. It's a good thing I am completely 100% confident that Ali will find true and ever lasting love this season. Still, this week in Lisbon, she did a particularly bad job of both finding love and choosing outfits. Then we had to watch Jake and Vienna desperately try to cling to their 15 minutes for just a little longer.
One on One with Roberto
Even though Ali is clearly all about Roberto, we had to pretend there was some kind of conflict with him, so Ali said they had "great passionate chemistry" but needed to find out if they had "that fun aspect". On their date, they took silly pictures of each other and Ali emitted a lot of forced laughter, to reassure us that the "fun aspect" was indeed there. They danced and kissed in the street and Ali realized "that life may not be a fairy tale but love can be."
Then they went to drink wine of the roof of a castle. Ali got all flustered and stumbled over her words, landing on, "I need to figure you out". She followed with (surprise, surprise) a lot of giggling and told him he amazed her. Roberto told Ali he appreciated her and had never dated a woman like her "like ever".
Two on One: Ty and Frank
Frank got disproportionately upset about going on a two on one with Ty even though there was no rose, which meant no one was going home that night. The date began with a helicopter ride and a walk around a historic castle. Frank keenly observed, "three's a crowd". Ty realized that, "it really pisses you off to have to share."
After an awkward dinner, Ali took Ty aside to talk. She again expressed concerns about how traditional he was, and whether his mom would be okay with Ali being a "worker". Ty did his usual 'just keep talking and maybe she won't actually try to make sense of what you're saying' thing. My favorite quote of the date was when he said, "I want somebody to want something." I'm sure he does.
During Frank-time (and I feel compelled to note that Ali has never once had a chat with Frank without wine glass in hand) he tried to really sell his family, and how awesome it was. Then he finally told Ali that after he "lived in Europe for a while" (ie: went on a month long vacay) he moved back home with his parents. Ali thought it was cute and then they made out in a tree. She told Frank ,"You're everything that I said I wanted but everything that I fear" and then they kept vaguely discussing their fears and I was confused.
One on One with Kirk
After an awkward conversation at a café, Kirk and Ali took a ride in a horse drawn carriage - with wine glasses in hand, of course. Ali was stressed out and couldn't focus. She observed that "It's funny cuz I thought I was like super in tune with my emotions before I came here and then now I'm starting to think like: maybe I'm not?" (If she asked me, which she didn't, I would have told her that cooling it on the booze might have helped.)
She and Kirk had dinner on yet another castle rooftop and Ali wore a white blazer, paired with crazy-bad corporate hair. (Again, I believe not being drunk all the time would help with all of Ali's decision making.) Kirk kept saying sweet, open things and eventually Ali paid attention.
She told him she was afraid he would lose interest and he told her "I'm not falling in love with the idea of you" or with "the concept of love...it's because I genuinely care about you." He broke into a speech about his terminal illness and happiness, culminating with the openness of his heart. Then they walked over to listen to musicians playing on the steps (wine still in hand) and kissed.
One on One with Chris L.
With Chris L., who is another obvious front-runner, Ali worried that while she was "digging him as a friend" the romance wasn't moving forward fast enough. (What does she want? They've made out in a hot tub like 12 times!)
They started out the date riding a scooter and Chris L. drove first, but he was too slow, so then Ali got in the driver's seat and drove fast. It was like a metaphor for their relationship, get it? Chris L. realized it was time to open up to Ali. They hung out at a winery (Ali observed that it was the perfect place to "let loose and continue to explore our relationship. NOT IT'S NOT! PUT THE DRINK DOWN!) He told her more about his mom and gave Ali a bracelet. She felt like that symbolized a "huge step" in their relationship and then they lay in the grass and cuddled.
Rose Ceremony
Ali wore a white dress, with colored stripes that seemed like it almost could have worked, but it didn't. I just can't discuss her drunk dressing anymore; it depresses me. Chris L. got the first rose and it came down to Kirk and Ty at the end.
Booted: Ty. She cried, he thanked her, she stood in the incredibly light rain that everyone nonetheless made a big deal about. The episode ended with a dramatic shot of damp hair Ali looking in on the remaining men from a window outside.
The Jake Vienna Break-Up Special
We lost forty good minutes of Ali true-love time for this train wreck of an event, which Chris Harrison justified as a "hopeful attempt to find closure". Jake and Vienna bickered and talked about all the things they've been talking about; he didn't show her affection, she was mean and they're both fame whores and liars.
Vienna got really emotional about her sick dog who "was in the hospital with IVs in her". Jake pointed out that he'd flown the dog across the country to visit Vienna. They argued about whether the dog was potty-trained and it went on until Chris cut in and said, "Okay we don't really care about the dog." I cared about the dog.
Jake accused her of cheating, she denied it and then asked for a polygraph test from Jake. She said they'd had multiple break ups, Jake called them temper tantrums. She kept boasting about how she'd finally gotten a "marketing" job because Jake told her to get one.
The car GPS was a touchy subject, as was an incident with a drawer and measuring tape. Jake and Vienna kept interrupting each other and eventually she broke down and stormed off, shaky camera in tow.
Chris asked Jake if he'd even find love again. And then he further clarified, with "find a woman" putting to rest, or rather flaming the fires, of those gay rumors.
In the end, I'm giving the win to Jake. They're both idiots, but he annoyed me less than Vienna. According to Vienna she was completely helpless and Jake ruined her life. She said things like, "You moved me out to LA. I have no money. I have no car. I have nothing out here" and "he brought me to LA and stuck me in an apartment". Was she trapped there? Did he throw away the key? Could she not climb out the window using her long flowing locks? Jake chalked it down to failed communication and how "somehow we lost each other along the way." And by along the way, he meant week three of their four-week relationship. Maybe they should have drank more.