I used to blog once a week. Whether I was posting to my own blog or to HuffPo, something was sure to go up every single Wednesday. Then, in December, I completely stopped posting. I haven't necessarily had a hard time writing over these past few months. My journal, which I carry everywhere with me, would attest to how much I abuse it with my feelings. Writing publicly, however, is a different story. The thought of blogging has crippled me for months because I haven't been able to tap into my own vulnerability. Typically, I've never really had a hard time sharing my struggles, my feelings, and my failures from behind the safety a computer screen. But this winter was really difficult. I was depressed for (what seemed like) forever, and I eventually realized that bouts of depression and anxiety are typical for me during specific times of year. Aside from the weather and obvious lack of sun, my personal life always seems to fall apart between November and January.
This winter, I lost one of my best friends. Not to death, as the word "lost" might imply, but to some personal differences that were too big for either of us to work through. At the same time, I stopped using wine to numb my problems (clarification: I'll always characterize alcohol under "My Hobbies," but I no longer rely on it to help me cope and I don't drink nearly as much as I used to). The subsequent sadness that I felt led to a few months of hiding, but that eventually transitioned into working out and eating better and volunteering and doing all of the things that people tell you to do to be happier. I also started seeing a therapist, which really forced me to confront a lot of things that I had been avoiding:
- A couple of years ago, I left a lucrative, exciting life in Washington, D.C. to move to Portland, OR for no reason other than I felt the need for a change. Moving to Portland completely changed my outlook on life. I left DC with a lifetime of luck and the attitude that everything would work out for me. It didn't. And Portland gave me the reality check that I needed: The Universe doesn't owe me anything. I learned that personal and professional success depends on constantly carving your own path and trying to maintain some amount of ignorance by not comparing your life to others'. Furthermore, there's no guidebook to handling disappointment besides being grateful for every. single. thing. that you have. Every day. And in every moment.
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If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.