I had a dream last night that I was trying to explain my Paganism to my father. He was patient, and open, and he behaved in the ideal ways that only a dream-father behaves. As I explained to him what Druid meant in a modern context, our relationship exploded into something more meaningful and transparent. It was a lovely dream.
When the phone rang this morning with his number on the screen, I thought that maybe -- just maybe -- I was a prophet. But, he hadn't called to learn about the hidden secrets of druid magic, or to pick my brain about how I envision the Gods. No, he wanted to know if it was possible to download videos from YouTube.
My father, it turns out, is a latent internet pirate.
This is not the first time that I've felt slighted by one of my parent's lack of interest in the mystical. I may be the only member of my family who would rather talk about religion than football. Our holidays, even the religious ones, are uncomfortably secular to me. I'd almost prefer my family to be fundamentalist Christians, if for no other reason than they might be willing to talk about theology as though it really meant something.
Theology, or Polytheology, or Process Theology -- these subjects are rich soil to me; good dirt for planting, and worth tending to. I'm pretty sure that my parents have different ideas about deity than I do, but I don't know that because we've never actually had a conversation about it. I've done more heart-to-heart'ing about religion on my blog, Bishop In The Grove, with my readership of relative strangers than I ever have over dinner with my family.
You just don't talk about those sorts of things.
My family is mostly Catholic, although there is a small contingency of Born Agains (as my grandma calls them), a few lapsed Episcopalians (which from the perspective of the Catholics is a double-lapse), and a good many agnostics. The Catholics present their beliefs more as assumptions about the world than as ideas to be examined, the lapsed Episcopalians know, logically, they shouldn't feel guilty for not going to church, but they still do, and the Born Agains? Well, they say things like:
"Perhaps she wouldn't have gotten sick if she'd have been more committed to the Lord."
Lovely stuff, right there.
I'm the silent Pagan in the bunch. I'm the candle burning, incense igniting, ritual doing, tarot card reading Pagan, who would be perfectly happy to discuss why they choose pray to Jesus over someone else, or what prayer really is, or whether their worship of a transcendent God ever feels lonely, or what they think death might be like. I think about these things, but I don't know how to bring them up without starting an argument.
Perhaps this is why interfaith dialogue is so difficult, too. If we don't know how to begin a conversation about faith and practice with our own families, how are we supposed to talk across the greater religious divide? It's much easier to remain silent, to avoid the awkward moments, to shore up our defenses in the event of a possible attack.
I get disappointed, though, when we avoid these conversations, because I have this deep desire to be known by the people in my life. When they don't seek to understand me, when they don't try to figure out what I mean when I say Pagan, or Druid, or any number of other tradition-specific terminology, I feel whitewashed into being simply The Son, or The Brother. I revert back to being all of the things I was by default, and none of the parts I chose for myself are brought into the light to be seen.
Perhaps this is the plight of any religious convert. We leave behind the tradition of our youth, and in doing so we alienate the people who first gave us a God, who first taught us to pray, who first told us the stories of an ancient people in a far-away desert. I wonder if the responsibility falls on our shoulders to educate our families, or if it would be more right for them to seek out a deeper understanding of who we've become.
When you take on a new religious tradition, a new spiritual name, a new title, or when you develop a new set of ritual practices, how do you go about communicating that to the people who knew you as something different? How do you open up a dialogue about transition and change with someone who finds it more comfortable to remain where they are, where they have always been? How do you testify about your own, individual truth, and can you do so without making your loved ones feel inferior, or judged?
If you've had experiences that answer any of these questions, or if you're working through a transition from one faith tradition to another and would like to testify about how that feels, please do so in the comment section. This can be a safe, constructive space to unpack our ideas, and I look forward to the dialogue.
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I appreciate your courage and expression. I'm glad you're writing here.
Neither Homer nor Moses wrote the truth as we understand scientific/historical truth, but wrote insightful poetry - something even we atheists can appreciate. Either party being doctrinal (and that can include some atheists) is what makes these "coming out" conversations difficult.
I, personally, feel drawn more to polytheists as they are generally (though I generally hate to generalize) less doctrinal than monotheists.
My mom (raised Baptist, self-identifies as a Deist now) spent a goodly number of years thinking that the whole Paganism thing was just a "phase." Since then, my (Mesoamerican Pagan) sister married a Druid, my brother converted to Judaism, and I married a Catholic-- he's not really religious, but members of his family are. I've been involved in interfaith dialogue in my local community, given talks on Paganism, and publicly supporting our local Muslim population as they still struggle to build their new masjid.
Mom has mellowed quite a bit and considers the interfaith work something to be proud of. I feel very fortunate in this and I realize it's not anywhere near that easy for a lot of people.
It's a lot easier if you just set the religious and mystic aspect aside for a while and remember the old polytheistic traditions. There has always been a rich intercultural exchange in pagan Europe and the Mediterranean. People literally imported, exported and exchanged their beliefs. All those different cultures impregnated each others. That's the real treasure of paganism: the religious pluralism is in the first instance a cultural pluralism.
If you perceive yourself different in your belief and your belief limited by your family's belief, you are creating difference, therefore alienation.
Why should it be necessary to make one big step when you can make several little steps?
I told my family here and there that I was celebrating Samhain or Beltain, that I visited the Externsteine in Germany or some remnants of Celtic circular ramparts, an old pagan sanctuary, Stonehenge, Glastonbury. Sometimes I talked about old cultures or religions, about old pagan roots in Christian beliefs, that I visited the Pergamon Altar and the Ishtar Gate in Berlin's Pergamon Museum. And one day they found an altar in my living room with a hodgepodge of the deities, symbols and artifacts from different cultures and religions we had talked about.
That's how I introduced my spirituality to my family step after step. I showed them bit by bit, illustrating each step with a dialogue. In the end, there was no big surprise.
Blessings to you.
I feel like modern paganism and alternative spirituality is the home of the majority of modern mystics in America, simply because in most locations and cultures, to convert to a disenfranchised minority religion requires a type of commitment and zeal just to persevere in the face of the ridicule, persecution, and labeling from all sides...both the majority Christians and the secular atheists.
There's a way in which by writing this piece, and by exposing just one small aspect of my experience with family, I'm attempting to open up a wider conversation about the *idea* of openness and transparency about our religious expression with family. I agree with you that more introspection may be necessary, but I would assert that *we all* might engage in deeper introspection, regardless of our motivations (which are complicated and personal). That's why I write these pieces, really.
Again, thank you for your comment.
Peace to you.
It's true that a lot of families aren't going to sit down to discuss cosmology and theogony, or whatnot, and that's the wrong way to approach a family estrangement, anyway, but that doesn't mean that it's not worth looking at, or that it isn't a real experience, or certainly that it's not something one might productively-post about on an interfaith forum?
One thing Teo's good for is asking questions rather like this, sometimes perhaps attaching too much importance to them in terms of *Pagan* religion, but they're also very often unattended details or undercurrents in our lives as modern people in this world.
Some things Teo says, I think a lot of Pagans will say to ourselves, 'Oh, the Christians would think that meant 'blood in the water right there,' (As much as most of the Christianity I've ever seen was about Christians trying to drive away 'doubt' like one of their 'sins', they really do think any Pagan accepting uncertainty on any point or questioning must mean 'Aha, your faith is weak, my dogmatic book-quoting will smash you.' (Laughable, but unproductive, and certainly no good for family holidays, ..but notice how quickly contemplation goes to 'conflict' even at the thought of ...non-Pagans in the room.) ...but maybe that's why for all this Internet, we don't talk too much about some things in some ways.
Minorities always have to be worried about how we 'represent.' This article is representing an interfaith issue, though. If like most threads about minority religions, it wasn't full of atheists trying to find an angle to say, 'You shouldn't exist!' ...someone might even learn something about us out there. :)
A hadith refers to that verse:
The Noble Prophet (sa) asked Abu Hurairah: “How do you contemplate?”
“As stated by Allah in the Qur'an: '(Men of understanding) reflect on the creation of the heavens and the earth.' I too reflect upon the wonders of the heavens and the earth,” he replied.
The Noble Prophet (sa) remarked, “One hour of your contemplation is better than one year of worship.”
I think Pagans and Muslims can discuss a lot of common areas like contemplation of nature and animal rights (there are many many hadith on animal rights; Muhammad was very much an animal rights advocate).
The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams:
http://youtu.be/t_KiHRHwaAs
Peace be with all creation.
But, yeah, interfaithwise between Muslims and we Pagans, you guys definitely ought to send the Sufis. Just ease up on the Koran-salesmanship: we do love books but 'quoting 'Scripture' to 'justify' things does tend to make us glaze over. Especially if it's to 'sell' the 'authority' of the rest of such a book/book-God. You should see what we deal with here in America. :)
But there's a reason Rumi is so respected here, as a poet and mystic and all.
Probably goes both ways. World religions should be sending our mystics, seers, and storytellers to greet each other, (as it once was,) not armies, politicians, bankers, and dogmatarians.
We might just be able to accomplish something there. Or at least we usually have a lot better conversations than in political forums. *wink.* :)
I can see how those of us who are particularly inclined to intellectually-explore and explain things and communicate can miss that fact. If you just *be* the Pagans in the family, let them see for themselves who you are, and then if your folks have any questions they might come from real interest in knowing something about your life and all.
We're Pagans. With no need to convert anyone, religion doesn't have to be an *argument.* :)
More recently, I left the UMC and joined my local Unitarian-Universalist congregation. My parents were very supportive and since moving out to Arkansas to be near me, have also joined. Once again, there are extended family members who don't understand our decision. This largely has to do with the fact that they have a terminal case of tunnel vision from a lifetime in the extremely conservative Assembly of God culture.