You just nibbled through an entire bar of dark chocolate. Your divorce papers are finally signed. You are 55, single and thinking about dating. The last time you had a first date, you wore jackets with shoulder pads and permed your hair. You are "out there" again, and the dating world has changed a lot since the eighties.
I'm divorced too and can empathize. Put down the chocolate; it really isn't so bad out there. According to a recent article on Match.com, single boomers over fifty years old are enjoying the benefits of their new status. Seventy-five percent of women and 81 percent of men say that they are experiencing dating success. My advice is to get out there, but avoid these common mistakes I see women make after divorce.
Dating too soon after the divorce: I learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend, and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? Me! I was a dating disaster since I wasn't truly ready. Starting to date again can be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be successful in dating. Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional -- someone who sees issues objectively -- is a better choice. A coach will tell you the truth about your readiness to date. A well-meaning friend may not be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself. In this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate bar with a girlfriend!
Being afraid to go solo: Solo is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date. Although we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you're feeling confident, have dinner at the bar. If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce himself. If he doesn't, count it as practice. A woman alone is approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to women who are independent and fun -- women who have interesting lives of their own.
Being someone other than your "genuine self" on a first date: Talking about work may feel safe, but it's not a good first date conversation. If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive, approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I leave my past in the past. If you don't have time to go home prior, dress for work in something "dateable" like a wrap dress, a pencil skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty. Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming appearance enhancer.
Breaking plans to date: It's a mistake to break plans with girlfriends or alter your schedule if dating conflicts occur. Men don't change their schedules and you shouldn't either. Do keep doing what you enjoy and incorporate new experiences into a broadening social scene. I attend movie classes alone and add new classes each year to my schedule, no matter what is going on in my life. Men are attracted to women who have a vibrant life and who take care of themselves outside and inside. They will only like you more. Always nurture your spirit and do things that give yourself pleasure.
Burning bridges if you don't feel "sparks": Chemistry is elusive as you date. Be patient. Recently I went on a date and had a great evening, but there were no sparks. So what? I decided to accept a second date because we had fun together. Unfortunately, there is still no chemistry. My advice to my "dating self" was to make my date into my friend. The suggestion may offend some men, but take the opportunity to be good company. I know from experience that some men are happy with this idea. Men enjoy the companionship of a woman. There is no pressure; just friendship. Try it. You may be surprised with the results. What can start out as a friendship may even turn into romance. Sparks can disappear, but friendship is forever.
Remember, this is your time. Learn from the mistakes others have made and travel smoothly as you begin dating after divorce.
It seems there are not that many good guys around and that when women find someone they want to reel them in right away maybe against some kind of fear of being alone? I don't know. But the dates that I have had (5 years post divorce) are all this way, in that the woman starts to talk relationship on one case even after the first date. Even friends are trying to push me into a relationship so much so that I have stopped dating altogether.
I think it takes a long time, to get back out there. I think women should take it slow. Be a little assertive in letting a guy know that they are interested. Then let the guy make the move, if he doesn't, like me, then you can move on.
And, I disagree with her give it a second chance rule. If there's no spark on the first date that's a sign that it is just not going to be there.
This is a mistake made by women, albeit with
the easy cooperation of men.
Although I've never known a man to turn it down
did it ever occur to a woman that a man wants to
take it slow ?
Maybe he wants to enjoy your personality, your wit,
your foolishness, your eyes, your everything before
going to the promised land. It's GREAT (thanx Tony)
when you get there but the trip, the anticipation, the
imagination running loose ........ oh, never mind.
Tomario
Women try and try and try - but BOTH parties have to be invested.
When a man tries most women give back in response of sheer adoration for their awesome, invested, caring, respectful, amazing partners.
So stop the "whining" and do something guys.
If a woman becomes lackluster look in the mirror. All her efforts have gone all for naught and she's drained.
1. Stop trying to change us. If you don't like how we are at the start, don't expect your the one that can mold us into something you want. If it didn't work in your last relationship, it won't work in this one. If your thinking... "well he's alright if I could just get him to do "... just move on immediately and save everyone the aggravation.
2. Don't be clingy. Men don't want someone latching on from day one.
3. Give men space. Allow us the same "man time" with our friends you expect to have with your girlfriends.
4. Don't talk about your failed relationships. In fact, most men don't want to know anything about it other than relevant information about kids, obligations, etc... We don't want to listen to you explain what the last guy did wrong and why it all failed. Call your mother for that.
5. Don't put up walls". Be yourself from the start or we'll just move on. We are not going to spend weeks and months trying to get to know the real you that you are hiding. If you aren't ready to be genuine, real, and yourself from the start, wait until you are before getting back into the dating game.
Actually, these could apply to any phase of dating a man, not just post divorce. So there you go. And all for free.
No one should set out to make major changes in a potential partner, but relationships do require compromise and change. Both partners need to make those changes, not just one or the other.
Many of the young people are mixed up. You first marry one you are phyisicaly atractred to. He is your prince and you the princess, not knowing their personality. Look at the girls friends family and if they are screwed up, in time your girl friend will devert back to families bad habits. I believe in shot gun marriges. If she gets pregnet she is yours, so think before you climb into the sack. Is this the person you want to spend your life with or an accident on a bad trip
Have a good day pilgram Darryl Ehlers
Are we that short-termed memory?