There are two reasons why you loathe dating: You've been out of the game too long, or you've been in it too long.
When you've been out of the game, you're wary and wily and nervous as hell, because you think there are new rules, and you don't know them.
If you've been IN the game too long, you think you've seen it all, and you haven't had any luck (maybe because you're relying on luck?), and either everyone else sucks, or you do.
Talk about a lose-lose situation. Because you can't win: Either you're not good enough, or no one's good enough for you. And if you want to believe one of those things, or maybe even both, then you will be stuck, forever and ever, in that tidy little prison you've created for yourself.
Fact: The world is teeming with people. Single people. And many more become single every day.
Fact: Most of them are not psychopathic crazies who will stalk and kill you.
Fact: You are lovable, deserving of love, and yet you also do things that keep other people from getting close to you.
I know a woman I'll call Agnes who is tough, sassy, and sexy. She has no problem finding men who are interested in her, and yet she's never really had a boyfriend. She's been "seeing" this one guy we'll call Mike for a few months. Though you wouldn't know it, because NO ONE in her life has met him. She doesn't invite him out in a group, but stops by "later"—and until very recently, had never stayed the night. They're basically stuck in booty call city. And she is the mayor.
She asked me recently about a situation in which he was vague with his texts and she thought he was being "weird."
"He's being weird? YOU are being weird!"
I couldn't help myself. But it was true! And she knew it. She had been treating him like a hookup and then wondering why he wasn't exhibiting relationship behavior.
Um, because he didn't know they were in a relationship, maybe? She hasn't given him an inkling that she cares for him, wants people to know him, wants to, I don't know, be seen in public with him? I told her, "You have trained him to not expect much from you. So why should he give you anything?"
So instead of doing the guy pile-on, I came down pretty hard on her. Because while she may come off tough and sexy, I see right through that, because I've worn that tough-girl facade before. (Read: How Feminism F'd Up My Love Life)
And, by the way, I wasn't giving her a hard time because what she's doing is "wrong" or that she should want or be something different. I came down on her because her actions aren't getting her what she wants.
You want more from him? I said. Start treating him differently. You can't treat him like a whore and wonder why he's not acting like a boyfriend.
My point is this: It's easy to think guys are the problem. But guys are pretty simple. The reality is that what you do, for myriad reasons, has often more to do with what you're trying to protect than what you want. Often, because you're afraid of what you want. Or more to the point, you're afraid of being rejected, of being hurt, and all the things we spend our lives trying to avoid.
The catch-22 here is that the more you try to protect yourself, the less able you are to have what you want. Because loving requires risk.
Visit territrespicio.com for more content like this + to learn about my online workshop "Stop Hating. Start Dating!" and to sign up for my newsletter and receive a free copy of my e-book "Take the WORK Out of Networking," about how to make better connections in business and in life (it totally works for dating, too).
Photo courtesy of Ambro / freedigitalphotos.net
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.