With apologies to the immortal Casey Kasem, here's America's top tunes on the summer 2015 campaign hit parade.
This Number One hit goes out on request to Hillary in Chappaqua (or was it D.C., Brooklyn, or Illinois someplace): a fresh take on The Beach Boys' all-timer, this one called "Server Girl."
Little server, private one,
My campaign's come all undone,
Lazy, crazy;
Now I'm Server Girl (Server Girl? My god, I'm Server Girl).
Sent my e-mails near and far.
Kept in my own cookie jar.
Now it's broken
Open; Server Girl.
Some will say I've breached their trust;
But I just did what I must.
No retrieval:
Evil? Surfer Girl. (ooh ooh wee--ee--ooh)
We might ride this out forever,
If we can keep our cool.
Bill said hit "Delete" together:
(I must be a fool!)
Now it's with the FBI;
My excuses didn't fly.
China's spying,
Crying--Server Girl.
The next request goes out to "The Donald" - "You're so Vain"
You walked into our Party
Like you're the best thing we ever got;
Your hat strategically placed to hide your hair,
Your spray-tan was apricot.
You had both eyes on the cameras
As you trashed the other guys--
They dreamed that they'd be your VP, they'd be your VP, and
You're so vain
I bet you think the Party will pick you
You're so vain,
I bet you think the Party will pick you. (Don't you, don't you?)
Well you had me several years ago,
When you were still Democrat.
Now you say you've evolved just like Reagan did,
But who knows just where you're at?
You're on the cable all the time,
And when you're not, you're hiring Latinos, hiring Latinos, and
You're so vain,
You probably think you've got this one sewn up.
You're so vain,
Don't you know we need someone who's grown up! (Don't we, don't we?)
You said you'll muscle Mexico
To pay for your precious Wall;
Then you flew your new jet
To a Scottish golf match:
That's really no plan at all.
You promise jobs will come right back:
But you don't say they'll pay Chinese wages, pay Chinese wages, oh
You're so vain,
I bet you think you've got this thing wired;
You're so vain,
Can't wait till FoxNews says "You're Fired"... Fired ...
Summer song number 3 goes out to Joe Biden: He's just "Bidin' His Time."
I'm bidin' my time
'Cause that's the kind of guy I'm!
I might be running,
Damn, it's cunning,
Just bidin' my time.
I'm right more than wrong,
Let's put it in song:
Iraq, gay marriage,
You can't disparage
Me bidin' my time.
I'm set for the journey
If she can't handle Bernie.
I'm not like Cuomo,
I've got more FOMO
Just bidin' my time.
Who else knows the score?
Not O'Malley or Gore!
The Party likes me;
(Just don't mike me)
While I'm bidin' my time.
On the same theme, here's #4 for Elizabeth Warren: "It Could Have Been Me."
I'm surely not Right, but I'm never wrong;
I could make a case in this race, it's where I belong.
It should have been me, I'm Lefter than he;
Why Sanders not me, did I miss my time?
I want to win, not merely compete,
Why did I pass this easy chance
To take on the Street?
It's got to be me, not Bernie or she,
If not Hillary, then it should be me.
That ultimate prize, that POTUS success,
Was waiting for me if I took the call;
But I turned it down, I settled for less,
But maybe now there's still a chance I can have it all.
Can't go it alone, that way is a flop;
I can't let down the folks who cheered
When I was on top.
It's got to be me, just not HRC
Itching to try, I can't tell a lie,
It's gonna be me!
Let's dedicate this fifth number to Jeb Bush: "Stuck with the Clowns"
Isn't he rich?
I'm full of fear.
Just when I finally got ready
For MY OWN career!
I'm running with clowns,
Who sent in the clowns?
A dozen plus four,
Have taken my floor,
I'm smarter and nicer
(but also, a bore)
I fidget and frown,
I've let Mother down,
I'm running with clowns.
Cruz, Christie and Paul,
Are jokes in disguise,
So's Huckabee, Walker and Carson,
Heck, all of those guys.
Stating my case with my usual flair:
Make a point here; make a point there.
I've got the best name;
I'd better get Game--
I'm losing to clowns.
Thought it was George
I'd have to disown;
Turns out I'm losing this contest
All on my own.
Send in the clowns?
There ought to be clowns?
Don't bother, they're here!
Song number 6 is dedicated to the newest star on the summer circuit, "I, Carly" Fiorina to the tune of "That's Amore."
When...the...girl smacks a guy
With a punch in the eye:
Fiorina!
When she takes on the Trump
He comes off like a chump:
Fiorina!
Some will say she may fade far away
But you best
keep your distance.
She plays rough, strong and tough,
Just enough
To break down your resistance.
She.... broke...out of the pack,
So you'd best watch your back:
Fiorina!
So she fired 30K in one day,
That's her way
To show love.
If you vote GOP
And want a fresh she
In t'arena
That takes on HRC,
With both passion and glee:
Fiorina!
And finally, last but certainly not least in at number 7, it's John (just in) Kasich; although he's from Ohio, it's Simon & Garfunkel's "59th Street Bridge Song"--aka "Feelin' Groovy"
So what, I got in last,
I can build momentum fast.
Just counting my elect'ral votes,
Lookin' for love and feelin' groovy.
Hey New Hampshire
How's it goin'?
Heard that Christie's
Mojo's slowin'
Thanks for makin'
Time for me.
Just a good guy:
Always groovin'.
I've got nothing to lose,
No promises to make,
I'm shakin' and bakin'--
LeBron on a break.
Let the radio talk shows
Keep dishing on me;
Boy, I love it,
I'm so groovy!
Bush falls, I'll be right there;
Need Ohio--own that chair.
Popular as I can be;
Medicaid is
Always groovy!
Nice guys can finish first;
Take New Hampshire, start the burst;
That will move the polls to me:
Squeeze out Walker;
That's so groovy!
Tweak Trump;
But use a smile.
Easy manner goes a mile, but
Got to keep
My temper cool.
I can win if
I stay groovy!
Stay tuned for more from Ted Cruz ("I'll Always Walk Alone"); Rand Paul ("Hey, You, Get Off'a My Phone"); and of course Mike Huckabee ("I Got Trouble, Right Here in River City...").