06/22/2010 04:05 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

DC Damsel's Adaptation of a Twelve Step Program

Note: Some scenarios have been changed to protect the identity of individuals involved. Other scenarios have been completely fabricated to make me sound like more fun than I really am.

The Twelve-Step Program originally created in 1955 in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous has helped countless individuals around the globe recover from any number of addictive behaviors, ranging from alcohol abuse to sex addiction. Personally, I have yet to reach the level of alcoholism (I'm still functioning on a fairly high level), overeating (I ordered my extra large Thai chicken salad with the dressing on the side and a Diet Coke this evening), or sexual promiscuity (I only fuck on Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays), that requires a twelve-step program. But I feel the basic principals that these programs preach can be applied to anyone's life in a fairly constructive, if not completely hilarious and embarrassing, fashion. So without further adieu and in the spirit of all things recovery-related I give you the original twelve steps juxtaposed with my own personally amended affirmations.

Original: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Damsel's Adaptation: I admitted I was powerless over most distilled grain-based beverages -- my nightlife becoming sloppy (I kept leaving my brassieres in strange mens' apartments) and my hangovers becoming harder to manage at work the next day (I kept leaving my ass print on the copy machine). Because of this I've made the conscious decision to stick mainly to berry flavored wine coolers and New Zealand Sauvignon Blancs.

Original: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Damsel's Adaptation: Began to understand when the bartender yelled last call it really was for my own good and that all the decent fun was to be had at the after-parties anyway.

Original: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Damsel's Adaptation: Made a decision to turn my will and wallet over to the care of the snooty floor clerks at Neiman Marcus as only I could understand their bitchy guidance and monthly commission goals.

Original: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Damsel's Adaptation: Made a searching and fear-filled moral inventory of myself and decided it was far more fun and comforting to live in denial with a cocktail in hand and a plump dick at the ready.

Original: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Damsel's Adaptation: Admitted to God (while she was on a smoke break), myself (while watching Pit Boss and eating pad Thai), and another person (the non-English speaking girl at the Exxon station who I buy my cigarettes from) that while I understand the exact nature of my wrongs, I choose to ignore them in hopes I either win the lottery or marry-up.

Original: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Damsel's Adaptation: Is entirely ready to have a guy who looks even remotely like George Clooney remove all my clothes and fuck my defects (moral or otherwise) away.

Original: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Damsel's Adaptation: Humbly asking the guy at the Starbucks to remove the whipped topping I specifically asked him not to put on my Mocha Light Frappuccino (damn dude, I come in here every day at half past two and you still don't recognize my shit?)

Original: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Damsel's Adaptation: Fuck, this may take a while. Are footnotes acceptable?

Original: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Damsel's Adaptation: So sorry mom. Please forgive me pop. I know not what I do, I know not how to stop. Apologies to my teacher. Mea culpas to my boss. It could have been my hormones. But most likely was the sauce. Relieve me of my troubles. Release me from my sin. But if my tab is open. Get me to thy gin.

Original: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Damsel's Adaptation: So, what you're saying is, I shouldn't have told the toddler standing next to me and screaming on the Metro today, that if he didn't cease and desist immediately I would have to burn his teddy bear until he shat asbestos? Huh, my bad.

Original: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Damsel's Adaptation: The closest I ever got to reaching that higher plane was letting a guy with an oral fixation go down on me while I drank dirty martinis, ate a Five Guys burger, and listened to Zeppelin's Fourth Album. Does that count?

Original: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Damsel's Adaptation: The only thing I've ever tried to carry to alcoholics was another round.