The Denver City Council approved two more payouts to settle police brutality lawsuits last week, bringing the total amount of excessive force settlements this year to more than $1 million. As discussed in the lastest episode of the Denver Diatribe podcast, this includes $795,000 paid to Alexander Landau to resolve his claim of police brutality.
This got us thinking: what would we spend our cash money settlement on? Since taxpayers are footing the bill for DPD abuses, let's put those dollars back into the city in a positive way.
Here's how each of us in the pod would spend an imaginary police beat-down windfall of $500,000:
1) How about more pedestrian bridges? The Highlands Bridge over I-25 is a huge success for neighborhood walkers as well as businesses. John Dicker would donate his settlement money to build something similar over 1st Avenue in Cherry Creek. Not that he has a bleeding heart for the struggling proletarians of Cherry Creek, but the roadway separating the mall and Cherry Creek North is a bitch to cross. He would also consider donating his money to return normal hours to the Denver Public Library.
2) Podcast guest Noah Van Sciver would bring streetcars back to his beloved Colfax Avenue. The route could be called The Easy Sleazy.
3) Selfish co-host Josh Johnson would first pay to improve his crappy Capitol Hill apartment. Any remaining settlement money he would pay to provide wi-fi on all public transit in Denver.
4) Joel Warner of Westword would use his police brutality settlement money to build a public memorial in honor of... himself. Only this bronze or possibly marble statue would be fashioned as a confusing non-sequitur, such as a small boy riding a magical swan. The Joel Warner Police Brutality Memorial would feature a lengthy, carved biography of Joel Warner so that the memory of Joel Warner would live on in the minds of Denverites. Even though Joel Warner would still be alive. Or something like that. Whatever.
5) Everyone agreed that the best way to give back to Denver would be to donate the money to the Guardian Angels. This would be to provide the civilian street patrol with weapons, such as nunchucks, throwing stars and ornate fantasy swords. Also, the Guardian Angels would be armed with pooper scoopers to clean up all the sidewalk dog shit that Noah is always stepping in. Noah hates dogs, those filthy creatures.
How would you spend your police brutality settlement money? Leave a comment and listen to the full Denver Diatribe episode here.