Huffpost Comedy

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

The Hollywood Ham Headshot

Panicked Kate Gosselin Selling Four Children

Posted: Updated:

Fearing her family's recent ubiquitous tabloid presence will ultimately lead to their financial demise, mother of eight and TV bitch Kate Gosselin has begun taking measures to lower the Gosselin's cost of living.

She's selling half of her children.

It's unknown which of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 children will be put on the block, but Gosselin indicated she may have no problem parting with a few bad seeds.

"The twins clearly have run their course," said a blunt Gosselin, who conducted the interview at a salon getting her trademark 'I'm a Big Cunt' hairstyle. "They bring nothing to table. Especially that Madelyn. She's like a poor man's Cara."

Kate's husband Jon reportedly had no say in the decision, as he was at a barbecue with many attractive ladies in their 20s, telling stories about the time his wife ruined his life when she decided they should have more children.

"I hope she doesn't sell Aaden," said Jon, referring to the adorable sextuplet with glasses. "I kind of like that one. But whatever, at least this way we'll only have four kids. That's a normal amount for a family to have, right?"

Added Kate, upon hearing her husband's preference in the children: "If Jon wants Aaden, he can buy him like anyone else. Aaden's too Asian looking anyway. Alexis, however, almost looks like me. I'll keep her around."

When asked what she thought about Joel, Kate responded, "Which one is he?"

While buyers have been lining up for the endearing children, indications point to Buddy Valastro, aka the Cake Boss, taking an early lead in the bidding war.

"I'd love to have those fucking kids," said Valastro. "I'll put 'em in cakes."

-Dan Abramson,

Follow The Hollywood Ham on Twitter

Around the Web

News - Kate Gosselin Admits: "Everything's Falling Apart ...

News - COVER STORY: Kate Gosselin Fired 40 Staffers in 3 Months ...

Jon & Kate Gosselin face dark side of reality

Kate Gosselin: Tabloids Are Turning My Life Into Hell - TV News ...

Kate Gosselin -- Plus Two |

Kate Gosselin - omg! on Yahoo!