Yeah, I'm talking to YOU.
Don't look around like you don't know who I'm talking to, you goofball.
Yeah, you, the selfish dumbass who's just dumped two plastic lawn chairs, or milk crates or orange cones or whatever crap you have lying around your garage, onto the street in front of your home, to try to save that parking space.
It's OK, you say. Because you shoveled out that space all by your lil' ol' self!
Wow! Now it all makes sense to me, it's so transparently obvious now...
Boo-F@cking-Hoo! Cry me a river you pansy!
Let me slap some sense into your thick skull.
First, you do not, I repeat DO NOT, own the street--no matter how much snow you shoveled off the pavement.
The streets are owned by everyone. You, me, all the taxpayers. We pay for the streets via gas taxes and city vehicle stickers we purchase every year.
Street parking is first come, first serve. No matter the season, no matter the conditions, no matter if you happen to have your junk out on the street. No exceptions.
It's like standing in line, or waiting your turn. It's something you should have learned in kindergarten. It's a societal tradition that is so deep, so ingrained, it trumps this so-called Chicago tradition of using trash to save your parking spot.
I don't care if Mayor Daley and most of the alderman give you a smile and a wink and look the other way. They're a bunch of lilly-livered, frontal lobe-challenged sissies as well.
So unless you're old or sick or feeble, you have no excuse for being so pathetic.
Second, you're from Chicago. You live in the city. You're not some milquetoast suburbanite, who pulls into their three car, heated garage every evening. You live in a city where you have to park on the street. You're tough and strong, dammit!
Chicagoans used to be a brawny, hard scrabble bunch. Remember? Chicago is the "city of the big shoulders", Carl Sandburg says. People with character, strength and resolve. Individuals with a strong backbone and not a limp wrist. NOT a city of the fainthearted and weak spirit who are bothered by a little bit of snow shoveling.
What the hell happened? When did you go soft Chicago?
Have you been reduced from the "city of the big shoulders," to the city of "crappy lawn furniture on snowy streets"?
Third, it's not neighborly to hog a parking spot and throw a bunch of your personal flotsam and jetsam onto the street. It's unsightly, it's ugly, it's littering, it's uncool.
What happened to chivalry? What happened to a sense of community in our neighborhoods and on our blocks? Are you that self-centered, boorish and immature that you're gonna try to save that parking space with a folding chair? C'mon now!
So listen up nitwit! Here's what you're going to do.
You're going to take all that crap you left on the street and put it back in your yard or garage or basement or into a dumpster where it belongs.
Next, you're gong to take your show shovel and dig out ANOTHER space. That's what good neighbors do. That's how kind and considerate neighbors behave. That's how Chicago should act.
Now that you've reclaimed your self respect and manhood, you should feel better about yourself. Stand tall, stick your chest out and walk like you're from that big city called Chicago.
For the most up to date news, information, tips and advice on Chicago parking news, parking tickets and red light cameras, check out The Expired Meter.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.