NEW YORK, NY -- He was a long-ball threat every time he slipped under the covers.
"Mickey was a lot of fun and a beautiful man, but Spiro was a beast. People used to say he looked like a burrowing animal in a business suit. He did, actually. But it was the intensity of his burrowing that made his love-making so satisfying."
Former Eastern Airlines flight attendant Martha Haines claims to have conducted simultaneous affairs with Richard Nixon's vice president, Spiro Agnew, and Yankee great Mickey Mantle. In his memoir, "In My Rear View Mirror" (which we recently finished after some 750 trips to the john, as the book was published in July 2007), veteran TV sports reporter Sal Marchiano writes that Haines bedded Mantle over an eight-year period in which she also carried on with Agnew during his White House years.
"Mick knew about Spiro, and while Spiro didn't know about Mick, Mick was obviously his favorite ballplayer," said Haines. "He knew everything there was to know about the guy, from his home run to strike-out ratio to every last deduction on his income tax returns over a six year span."
While the Mick was "fun company," it was the Veep who put up the big numbers.
"I know Mick was a great ballplayer, but to tell you the God's honest truth, he wasn't exactly a Hall of Fame performer in the sack -- he had a bad back, his knees were always acting up, on top of which he was fall-down drunk most of the time I knew him. With Mick it was all or nothing -- mostly nothing. Spiro was more consistent. Put it this way: his dingers didn't travel as far, but they were more plentiful."
According to Haines, Mantle, who referred to Agnew as "Spee-roo," pressed her to reveal details of their love making.
"Mickey wanted stats -- how big, how long, what he liked, where he liked it. One night he barreled into my hotel room with Whitey (Ford) and Billy (Martin). I'm thinking, oh no, not tonight. But Mickey just wanted me to entertain his Yankee buddies with stories of me administering to the needs of our Vice President. I remember Billy at one point asking if I'd ever get it on with President Nixon given the chance --'Billy, I said, not with your dick.' They all thought it was the funniest thing they ever heard."
While it's hard to imagine two more different human beings, apparently Mantle and the VP shared at least one trait: their liberal use of alliteration.
"Spiro used to get annoyed when I'd disappear into the bathroom to powder my nose: 'stop your pusillanimous pussyfooting.' Or he'd accuse me of 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondria' when it was that time of the month. Coming from anyone else it sounds just plain dumb, but coming from Spiro it was cute -- even the time he demanded I sit still and stop my nabobs from nattering -- I mean, I wasn't sure what part of my anatomy he was referring to, but how could you get angry at a guy who could come up with stuff like that at the drop of a hat."
Mantle's use of alliteration was a bit more home-spun.
"To this day I can hear Mickey's voice on the phone, his speech slurred from three too many martinis: "Peaches, I'm hornier than a horndog in heat.' He had a million expressions like that. Contrary to his reputation, he was a caring and affectionate man. It's just a shame he passed before they found a cure for erectile dysfunction."
When Agnew was forced to resign in October 1973, pleading "nolo contendre" to charges of illegal campaign contributions and kickbacks, the affair with the Vice President ended.
"I never heard from him again. Shortly after Mickey called to tell me it's over. He was sweet about it, but it hurt. But what really hurt was finding out that Spiro's cute expressions were actually written by his speech writers. I suppose the only thing worse is to find out that the penis in my mouth was actually Pat Buchanan's." (Note: Patrick Buchanan was one of Spiro Agnew's chief speech writers.)