I'm under no illusions that my own child behaves like a perfect angel when he goes over to friends' houses for play dates. I really am trying to raise a civilized child, and it's not easy. But man, sometimes when we host a playdate I can't help but wonder if some kids are actually being raised by wolves! Here are 12 kinds of kids we dread having over for a playdate. I just hope to God my son never does any of this when he's out of my sight.
The Kid Who Invites Himself Over: It's funny the first time, but every other day? STOP! Why hasn't this kid's parents taught him that it's impolite to invite yourself over to someone's house? If you want to play, why not invite my kid over to YOUR place?
The Kid Who Calls Too Early, Too Often: Saturday we had a kid calling for a play date before I'd had my coffee. I was busy and couldn't talk on the phone. (Text, people. TEXT.) By mid-afternoon I discovered he'd called 15 times. He also calls me in the middle of the day, like I don't have a job or anything.
The Kid Who Never Flushes: ANIMALS! I'll let a mellowing yellow slide. But if you've had a mother-loving bowel movement, you'd better flush that thing down or I will have a very embarrassing conversation with you the next time I see you. They always do it right before leaving, too.
The Kid Who Wants to Get My Kid in Trouble: I see you there, whispering into my child's innocent little ear and glancing over to see if I notice. You're not very subtle. I'm on to you.
The Hungry Kid: She asks for a snack every five minutes -- and inhales the stuff. You're running out of crackers and baby carrots. Don't they feed you at your house?
The Kid Who Abuses Your Pets: What kind of sociopath has your child befriended? The dog is not a toy. He is a valued member of our family! Leave him alone.
The Kid Who Says No: They want a snack, but they hate everything you offer. They want to do something, but they hate all of your suggestions.
The Kid Who Makes a Mess: Dumps all the toys out of drawers, scatters them all over the room, conveniently has to leave just as you're about to make everyone clean up. The worst version of this kid is the one who BREAKS YOUR KIDS' TOYS WITH IMPUNITY.
The Kid Who Doesn't Respect Your Home: This kid tracks in mud, wipes his grimy hands on your nice towels without washing them first, wants to hang out in your bedroom, wants to play on your iPhone.
The Kid Whose Eyes Are Bigger Than His Stomach: This kid is so hungry, can he have a really big glass of milk? Except then he takes two sips and he's done. Or one bite of yogurt, or one bite of an apple. And now you have to throw the whole thing out.
The Kid Who Is a Biohazard: This one has a runny nose and never uses a tissue. Instead, he uses his hand and then smears that hand all over everything. Thanks for the germ-ridden ectoplasm.
The Kid Who Hits: He hits everyone, kids, pets, even you. What a little angel!
What are your biggest play date pet peeves?
More from The Stir
25 All-Time Favorite Mommy Confessions
20 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman
What Really Changes When You Have a Second Baby
10 Things You Should Never Ever Say to a Divorcee