Written by Suzanne Murray on CafeMom's blog, The Stir.
A while ago, I was thinking of adopting a child. When I told a friend, she asked, "But don't you want any of your own?" I was floored. Years later, a co-worker always referred to her friend's kid as "Lisa's adopted baby." That would be like saying, "Lisa's egg donor baby" or "Lisa's IVF baby" or "Lisa's got-drunk-and-forgot-to-use-a-condom baby." Grrrr.
I just don't get it. Even the press feels the need to distinguish between a couple's biological and adopted children: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have "three biological kids and three adopted kids." Why don't they just have six kids? I never did adopt (although I haven't ruled it out), but all of this drives me completely nuts. I can't imagine how such remarks affect someone who has adopted a child.
I know moms who conceived their children in all kinds of ways and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So, I asked one of my friends here at CafeMom who has adopted, JayGirlsMom (the very proud Baby Mama of 13-month-old JayLyn), if she could help us out. Here, she gives us five don'ts when speaking to someone who is considering adoption or who has already adopted.
1. Don't Tell Her Horror Stories
If someone is starting out in the adoption process, don't tell her about all the failed
adoptions you've heard about, read about or even been through yourself. "Congratulate her!" says JayGirlsMom. After all, when someone tells you she's pregnant, you don't warn her about miscarriage and all the other things that could go wrong. If something does go wrong during the adoption process, support them.
2. Don't Refer to the "Real" Mother
JayGirlsMom was at the social security office filing a name change for her daughter after the adoption had been finalized. The clerk asked, "Does her real mother have anything to do with her?' JaysGirlMom quickly responded, "Yup, I'm with her every day!"
3. Don't Ask if The Baby is "Hers"
"The other day while shopping with my daughter, I was asked by four people -- four people --while just in one store, if JayLyn was mine," says JayGirlsMom. "Yup. She's mine all right. All Mine! Why do people think it is their business to say that to a stranger?"
4. Don't Say, "Where is the Baby From?"
"Our daughter is Native American, Asian and Hispanic," says JayGirlsMom. "We are Caucasian. While out, people look at her and say, 'China?' She is from Iowa! Born Here! Adopted here! Just because she is not Caucasian that doesn't mean she was an international adoption. The United States is a culturally diverse country. In many domestic adoptions, the child has a different ethnic background than the parents."
5. Don't be Afraid to ask Genuine Questions
JayGirlsMom says, "I can only speak for myself, but I love to talk about our adoption if the person asks in a nice way. I just hate the rude sideways looks and blunt questions. All someone has to do is show an interest in our story and I love to share. I always figure they could be thinking about adoption and then I know they are really asking because they are scared about their own journey."
The bottom line: When you're talking to another mom, remember there are many ways of becoming a parent. Some women get pregnant the old-fashioned way, some use sperm donors, some use egg donors and some adopt (and there's a whole lot more that I'm leaving out). None of these ways is better than another -- a mom is a mom. Lord knows, years from now when you're trying to get your kid to brush her teeth or do her homework, you won't be thinking about how you conceived her.
As Bob Considine, a writer in Chicago once said, "I have four children. Two were adopted. I forget which two."
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.