If there are Gods, you can only hope that their ultimate plan is world socialism administered by evolutionist school boards under the command of Hugo Chavez. But in the meantime, anyone looking for a genuinely funny TV viewing experience has got to watch the 700 CLUB...a program unrivaled for nonstop laughs since the days when PTL's Jim Bakker was filling a corner of the swimming pool at Heritage USA with actual sand to give it the appearance of a beach, then hurriedly organizing a team of volunteers to shovel it out.
The first thing you learn when watching the 700 CLUB is that Jesus takes an inordinate interest in the Nasdaq Composite and achieving maximum shareholder value. The second thing you learn is the level of Pat Robertson's insanity.
When Pat is on Fox or Larry King, you can only gauge the desperate struggle he is waging with himself to appear lucid by the maniacally inappropriate laughter that bubbles out of him like a geyser of nuttiness marking the untapped well of dementia beneath. On the 700 CLUB, however, his terminal psychosis is given carte blanche.
You have to actually watch the 700 CLUB to hear Pat promo a guest thusly, "coming up...a lady who died, went to hell and came back...she's got quite a story to tell." And it wasn't even sweeps month!
Only on the 700 CLUB can you hear Pat's explanation for the possibility of extraterrestrial life. "The devil can disguise himself in many forms...if there is life on other planets it is demonic...there is no question that there are demons in outer space."
Only on the 700 CLUB can you see Pat forecast that the city of Orlando, because of its' support for Gay Pride Month, could be letting itself in for "terrorist bombs...earthquakes...tornadoes...and possibly a meteor." (Who, apart from someone standing directly under it, couldn't love the "possibly a meteor"; as if his loopy, heaven-watch computer was spitting out conflicting models.)
You've been warned. We always thought, as we came home drunk at 3 AM with a couple of 7-Eleven burritos, that THE PTL CLUB would be there to entertain us forever. Watch while there's still time.