Advising the Candidates: Jeb Bush

04/21/2015 03:45 pm ET | Updated Jun 20, 2015

The Bush family loves to see themselves as adults. And they are. Privileged, self-absorbed, vile, treacherous, toadying, savage adults. The Bushes always punch down. No clan in the history of the Republic is less encumbered by principal, less responsive to economic misery, or less troubled with inflicting death. If the Bushes had a realistic coat of arms it would depict a rich banker sucking the ass of a richer banker sucking the ass of a billionaire.

Yet this gaggle of lickspittles for power, who view the American dream as a LinkedIn profile encompassing Nazis, The House Of Saud, and Dick Cheney, fully expect their 7th appearance in the last 10 GOP tickets. That their latest subservient spawn, John Ellis 'Jeb' Bush, is unironically running as his "own man" should occasion any journalist not named Halperin or Bruni to laugh themselves into a stupor. A Bush is to self-sufficiency what gangrene is to fitness modeling.

But, as the least thoughtful man ever to hold the presidency used to say, "make no mistake"... a Bush will tour any flag factory, define any freedom, and reinsert any feeding tube to grasp dominion over the hoi polloi.

So if we were advising Jeb Bush, it would be as follows:


No average American with a functioning brain stem wants your gene pool anywhere near the Oval Office ever again. But Americans love spectacle and you, Jeb, are part of a true reality freak show... the Kennebunkport Kardashians... Suck Dynasty... Iraq Road Bombers. Your family dynamic couldn't be more filled with warped psychodrama if the entire Bush/Walker line lived on the edge of a swamp and trapped nutria for spending money.

Enough with the "I love my dad," "I love my mom," "I love my brother" crap. Nobody cares. Nobody cares even a little bit. You're in your 60s. It's not endearing. It's creepy and sad and makes you look like Baby Huey.

Pledge to be the first President Bush to create a job.

During your stump speeches, have Paul Wolfowitz onstage in a dunk tank filled with mouse urine and give any Vet unlimited throws.

If you refer to Marvin or Neil realize that use of the word "unindicted" is not synonymous with altruism.

Vow to arrest your other brother for war crimes. The fact that this disinterested punk is now portrayed as some benign Bob Ross instead of the unhinged Goya who bathed the Middle East in Alizarin crimson is an obscenity. If he had a scintilla of self-awareness he would wander off like a penitent Van Gogh into a field of Crawford Bluebottles and never return.

Bottom line Jeb: You have lots of money and no qualms. It all comes down to how stupid the rest of us are.

Note: Back in the day on our radio show, we'd always take suggestions for the most truthful campaign songs. Here's ours for Jeb Bush... feel free to post yours in the comments.