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Bush Demands That Iran Act Like Israel

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WASHINGTON--President Bush said today that the government of Iran could avoid continued economic sanctions and potential military conflict with the United States if, like Israel, they never admit having nuclear weapons.

Anonymous White House sources hailed the president's latest initiative as a very effective way of cutting down on his briefing material. "The President is extremely busy biking during the holiday season to avoid excess pounds", an aide confirmed, "so eliminating those seven or eight readin' minutes a day would not be unwelcome".

The aide cautioned however that Bush's offer was not a first step in redesigning his option table. "This president's table of options will continue to consist of threats, lies, bombs, and large clumps of coagulated blood".

Not everyone was pleased with the new diplomacy. At a hastily called press conference Joe Lieberman and Norman Podhoretz urged the president to show less sanity. "I'm troubled by this creeping perception of evenhandedness", said Lieberman, whose new book "Monotone Sanctimony" debuted this week in 48,987th place at Amazon.