PHILADELPHIA PA - Ira Einhorn, the 70's environmental and anti-war activist currently serving a life sentence for murdering a former girlfriend and keeping her mummified remains in a trunk in his closet before jumping bail and fleeing to Europe, has been hired as a columnist by the Philadelphia Inquirer.
Harold Jackson, The Inquirer's editorial page editor, feels Einhorn will compliment the paper's other recent hire, John Yoo. "John advocates and rationalizes policies that inevitably lead to dead bodies. Ira has expertise on what to do with those bodies. It's a no brainer."
Yoo, whose latest column was titled "If A President Wants To Stick A Beer Tap In Your Neck And Drink Your Spinal Fluid He Could", is part of the Inquirer's ongoing effort to hire conservative columnists. They include Kevin Ferris, winner of the prestigious 'Cavuto Flack Prize' for changing the font on GOP talking points before presenting them as his thoughts. As well as Rick Santorum, whose bimonthly 'On The Dog' column expounds on Santorum's incessant fear that gay activists will force a Basset Hound on him sexually.
While Einhorn has yet to pen a column, publisher Brian Tierney vigorously supports the move.
"What I liked about Ira Einhorn is he's a Philadelphian," Mr. Tierney said. "He lived in Powelton Village. He went to Penn. He's a very, very bright guy. Plus, he managed to hide in Europe for sixteen years and then avoid extradition for another four. That's something anyone who worked for Vice-President Cheney is bound to be interested in."