HUFF-LAG SCARE!

I don't know about you, but reading the Huffington Post can be mentally and physically exhausting. I thought it was just me, but after talking to many other people - including assorted medical experts - I have found that even just a moderate exposure to the Huffpo can make you sick!

Scientists maintain we have two timekeeping centers in our brains. Research shows that after reading the blog, these "time centers" no longer match up - and your body's natural (circadian) rhythms are no longer in sync. In medical circles, this is called Huff Lag. And it occurs after reading particularly cumbersome entries in which their conclusions in no way validate the time and effort it took to actually read the posts.

"When you arrive at the end, you are disoriented, groggy and confused," says one expert. "Huff Lag is exactly like jet lag, except you haven't gone anywhere to get it."

In fact, intriguing although preliminary data suggests that reading just one Laurie David post - linking heat wave deaths to Global Warming - can create the same effect as CROSSING THREE TIME ZONES from west to east.

And just reading one long post by Cenk Uygar can disrupt circadian rhythms so dramatically, you may bleed from your ears.

So how do you continue reading the Huffpo, without succumbing to HuffLag?

TIP: 1: GET SOME SHUT-EYE!
If your patterns of wakefulness are disrupted by reading the Huffpo during the day, invest in some sleeping aids such as blindfolds, ear-plugs, neck-rests or pillows to help encourage sleep at night. “You will need one day of rest for every post you read, to regain normal circadian rhythms and energy levels,” Deepak Chopra might say, if you paid him.

TIP 2: BOTTLE UP!
The dry air found on the HuffPost has many consequences - the biggest being dehydration, which leads to headaches, sore throats and other flu-like symptoms. Drink water, not alcohol. ALTHOUGH you will be tempted to drink, the effects of booze are twice the norm after reading anything by Gene Stone. "It goes without saying that you should not drive after reading Hooman Majd."

BONUS TIP: a spray bottle filled with water, applied gently to the skin, can help maintain consciousness while reading Richard Bradley.

SPECIAL HUFFPO OFFER! Exclusive for huffpo readers! Access to prompt private medical treatment when suffering from a Huffpo-related illness! Huffpo Medical Insurance pays for hospital charges, out-patient, or in-patient treatment of any injury suffered from reading a post on the Huffpo. Monthly premium is minimal. For more information, post below! (Note to Jann Wenner: we do not pay for treatment to relieve symptoms associated with menopause or puberty.)

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COMMENTS

I still can't help but think that posts like this are the result of Bush's War on Iraq.

posted by jann wenner at July 26, 2005 2:14 pm