12 Ways To Recover From An Emotional Affair

Jimmy Carter isn't the only one with lust in his heart. I receive a handful of e-mails a day from my readers who are either stuck in an emotional affair or have ended one but are still extremely heartsick. How can I let go and move on? They ask me. I researched what the experts say on this topic and pulled from my own battle with obsessive thinking to come up with the following 12 steps to help folks recover from an emotional affair.

1. Distinguish romance from love.

In his book "We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love," Robert A. Johnson distinguishes human love from romantic love. When we yearn for a forbidden, passionate romance like in "The English Patient" or The Bridges of Madison County, we are often blinded to the beautiful, committed love that is with us in every day life, the "stirring-the-oatmeal" love. Johnson writes:

Stirring oatmeal is a humble act--not exciting or thrilling. But it symbolizes a relatedness that brings love down to earth. It represents a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night.

2. Schedule some obsessing.

As I wrote in my "15 Ways to Stop Obsessing," sometimes the best treatment for fantasies is to pencil them into your schedule. When you find yourself fantasizing about an intimate moment with the woman who has custody of your heart, don't yell at yourself, "Snap out of it!" Simply say, "Thought, I appreciate your coming, but I've scheduled you for 7 this evening, at which time you can totally distract me if you want."

3. Be accountable.

This technique is especially effective for Catholics whose first lessons on human morality involved scary confessions. Do I have to tell everything? What if he sends me to hell? Moreover, accountability has always worked for me because, as a stage-four people pleaser, I crave a good report card. So I better make sure I have a few people in my life passing out such reviews: my therapist, my doctor, my mentor Mike, my mom (she can still read my voice like a map, dang it), my twin sister, and my best friend. By giving them the skinny on what's really going on inside my margin for error decreases ten-fold.

4. Invest in your marriage.

The best way to prevent an affair is to invest in your marriage. And the best way to recover one is to invest in your marriage. It's a simple physics equation: the energy and time you supply to one relationship has to come from another one. That is, you can't build and nurture a true partnership if you're spreading intimacy over too many places.

After a violation of trust--and according to marriage expert Peggy Vaughan an affair is more about breaking trust than having sex--the best reconciler in a marriage are small acts of kindness. Because for most spouses, "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Contrition needs to be supported with evidence: backrubs, special dinners, cleaning toilets, a listening ear.

5. Replace it with something.

Whenever I grieve the loss of an important relationship in my life--whether it be a friendship that falls apart or a loved one who passes unexpectedly--I've found it helpful to immerse myself in a new project, or new challenge.

6. Stay with the loneliness.

I'm not a big fan of loneliness. Because that aching hole in your heart feels too much like the scary black chasm of depression. But they are different beasts. One can be treated, the other must be felt. Writes Henri Nouwen in "The Inner Voice of Love:"

When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take that loneliness away, if only for a moment. When you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing--to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away.

7. Outsmart the body.

A little biology lesson here. When you are infatuated with someone, your brain chemistry whispers lies into your ears that can have you doing really stupid stuff. The spike in dopamine and norepinephrine produced with heightened sexual tension might tell you that all your troubles would end if you only kissed the handsome guy you just friended on Facebook, or ran off with the barista that makes you a perfect cappuccino. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, author of "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love," explains why emotional affairs feel so good:

Love is a drug. The ventral tegmental area is a clump of cells that make dopamine, a natural stimulant, and sends it out to many brain regions [when one is in love]. ...It's the same region affected when you feel the rush of cocaine.

Thus, identifying the physiological components of infatuation can be a strong ally in fighting the war against infidelity.

8. Treat the addiction.

Categorizing an emotional affair as an addiction is helpful in two ways: first, it depersonalizes the experience, making it easier to let go of, and it also provides some tangible steps a person can take to kick her habit. Addictions induce a trance-like state that allows the addict to detach from the pain, guilt, and shame she feels. She buys into false and empty promises--a flawed sense of intimacy and fulfillment--until reality hits. Hard. And the addict is forever vulnerable to buying into this distorted vision, which is why recovery from emotional affair never ends, and involves one smart decision after another that fosters true intimacy.

9. Surround yourself with friends.

For a person who has just broken off an emotional affair, friends aren't optional. They are a life-support system. Safe friends are especially important if the relationship you are mourning formed at work, among mutual friends. You'll need to befriend colleagues who are not connected to him in any way, or hang out with your non-work friends, safe folks, until you feel strong enough to socialize with friends who might talk about or involve him.

10. Think with your new brain.

In his bestselling classic "Getting the Love You Want," Harville Hendrix distinguishes between our old or "reptilian" brain that is weighted down with unconscious baggage from our pasts and reacts automatically in fear, and our new brain: the "analytical, probing, questioning part of your mind that you think of as being 'you.'" Harville theroizes that when we get sucked into intense and damaging emotional relationships our old brain is holding the helm. It wants to recreate the pain of our past in order to heal the wounds.

So what we have to do is to squeeze some of the rational and cognitive skills of our newer brain into the old brain before the unguided driver gets us into too much trouble. This means to apply a little logic or to fill in the details of our love story. For example, imagine sharing a bathroom with the Facebook Romeo of yours. Yuck?

11. Write about it.

If you get the feeling your friends are quite over hearing about your emotional affair, try putting your emotions to the page. In a 2003 British Psychological Society study, results indicated that writing about emotions might even speed the healing of physical wounds. If journaling about pain can heal your knee scab, think about what writing might do for your broken heart.

12. Let yourself grieve.

A relationship without sex can be every bit as intense as one involving lingerie. A special connection between two kindred souls needs to be grieved just as a marriage or committed partnership.

In the case of an emotional affair, guilt can impede the grieving process. Since a person feels as though she is wrong to have had these feelings to begin with, she often won't allow a time of tears and loneliness that are necessary for healing. But just because the relationship happened outside of a committed relationship doesn't mean the heart isn't broken and needs to heal. So be as gentle with yourself as you would a friend who just ended a primary relationship.

***

Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here. You may also find her at www.thereseborchard.com.

Comments

[zukervati]

Like my beloved wife says, don't put yourself in that position and you won't have to worry about it - emotional abstinence, if you will. Besides, if I'm ever stupid enough to do it, she's promised to feed my cojones to our dog while I watch!

[cylindar]

Some very good advice. There is always a new love around the corner.

[JDM73]

I agree that people should allow the loneliness to wash through them after an emotional affair, but I would caution them against expecting that the pain will ever completely go away. Life is, in the final analysis, largely about sadness, disappointment, and dissatisfaction. The pains lessens over time, but we all have some kind of spiritual/emotional hole that can never be filled. Acknowledging that fact might help us avoid potentially disastrous situations in the future--or, at the very least, make our sadness a little easier to bear.

[ratstar]

i know it sounds outdated in this "me first" century. i'm the one who usually tells my friends that martyrs are not in vogue anymore; you'll only find them in monuments. i for one thought that the name of the game is to win at all costs.

however, as you mature, you realize that selfishness does not lead to fulfillment. if you haven't experienced this feeling, i won't argue with you. it doesn't come with the number of years you've lived. i've seen some very old people who are selfish, unsatisfied, and alone. it's not for me to judge them if that's how they want to live their lives.

my point is, coultersnemesis, people (both men and women) have affairs for various reasons, ranging from lust to love. for those who have loved, it's more difficult as they have to choose between spouse and lover. now, if the post did not make sense, i had to erase some paragraphs in between so i guess it seems like ideas jump here and there. i apologize if it rattled your understanding.

[SCboy]

An emotional affair is as dangerous as a physical affair. It is a very bad thing for one to involve themselves in. It leads to the same kind of lying and manipulative behavior seen in a physical affair, and oftentimes leads to a physical affair. No matter how the person rationalizes it, it is cheating. In many cases it destroys trust, always a bad thing.

[csavage]

Thanks for someone bringing up Carter's statement as a nonissue. It is a non-issue and, just maybe, if people had realized that a man married to one woman for decades admitting he had found other women to be attractive was better than a previously divorced man who liked to feign superiority, religious or otherwise, we might not be in the state we are now as a nation.
As for emotional affairs, your use as Carter as a reference cheapens your argument. My ex- was extremely attached to an ex-girlfriend. When she got married and broke off contact, my ex- responded by having his first affair. His first affair broke up with him when she found out we were still married. Flash forward 6 years (and, no, my ex- did not try to nurture our relationship or re-establish trust in the interim). My ex- has a relationship with a woman at work-I don't believe it was physical. She also gets married and I don't think my ex- was invited to the wedding. Cue affair #2. He's now married to affair #2. In terms of violation of trust, an emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical affair-maybe worse, because a physical affair may not involve a close connection. I could have cared less about my ex- reading Playboy or going to bachelor parties at strip clubs-his preference of emotional intimacy with another woman was what ended our marriage.

[bordergirl6]

I see a bad pattern in this guy. You were smart to leave him.

Sure, I have fantasies about men I either work with or know as aquaintances, but the difference is that I don't let that interfere with my emotions. I have been with my husband years, married for 1.5, but I love him more and more each day, him as well, and we ultimately respect each other. I have never found a man like that. I feel really lucky that he had some great people to look up to, like I did.

There have been a few times when we first got together that I was really tempted by another man, but I left that situation before I got myself in trouble. I told myself that I needed to trust myself better. I would never want to be hurt like that, so why would I want to put the love of my life in danger?

[cloudminder]

I found this article really unsatisfying- it is limited because it is highly feminine/mommy based, the writer also is approaching this from a religious base and her real area of interest is depression

I would recommend googling "emotional infidelity"

or visiting

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231

also, the list above is just really disappointing, basically it is saying subliminate , do busy work, worry about what others will think, play mind games with yourself - which is about as good as rubbing your tummy and patting your head at the same time- it does not deal with the issue as it directly affects your life.

also, I agree it starts off sounding antiquated by bringing up poor Jimmy Carter and that very tame little example......

[pickwickianmom]

Difference of opinion---always good, I think.

I thought the article was very good. I got over my awful divorce by doing some of the basic things mentioned in the article. Especially doing new things.

I had an attraction to someone once when I was married, and we moved away---hence, I was away from the person. The attraction died very quickly, and I was surprised I had ever secretly fantasized about it at all. It was very much a biological trick. That is a good thing to remember.

[cloudminder]

what you described you experienced is NOT the same thing as an emotional affair--

there is a significant difference

your experience sounds more like a crush, infatuation

I am not trying to say you are unsophisticated but I think you need to read up on the subject and understand the difference in degree, in interactions etc

[pickwickianmom]

Also.....what is wrong with looking at the situation from a feminine or mother viewpoint?

This marginalization of women and mothers is shortsighted. Female artists say they are "ghettoized" and I agree. Attacking the article on the basis of that fact is part of that narrow view.

[cloudminder]

i am not saying a feminine or mother viewpoint is "bad" per se

i am saying an article to resolve a problem in relationships where both female and male reside-- well, that requires looking at the issue from both gender perspectives

and the masculine and feminine are present in any relationship so this would also apply to same sex relationships

you are responding to posts here and your comments imo show that you are very sensitive and read as though you are really struggling and internalizing a lot - i hope you find some resolution

[imfedup]

I'm not getting the connection between lusting in your heart and an emotional affair. Wasn't Carter talking about being occasionally turned on by women other than his wife? That certainly doesn't constitute an affair of any kind, emotional or otherwise.

[OSA23]

'marriage laws are non-existent: men and women alike choose their mates and leave them as they please, without offense, jealousy, or anger.'

-bartolome de las casas, 'history of the indies'

prior to their genocide by columbus and the spaniards, the arawek tribe lived coummunally and were able to use their community as a continuous nurturing ground that enhanced the overall well-being of the arawek tribe. what has happened in contemporary, 'civilized' society would be a commodifying of the family and marriage until what remains are individuals leading dull, hollow lives seeking a spark that inspires and seeking a fire that nourish. from my personal experiences, i feel that if the situation can nurture and inspire then no harm can be done. we are not 'titles' as we are individuals seeking inspiration, arousals, and creative outlets for our minds, flesh, and spirits.

[pickwickianmom]

I wouldn't say my life was dull or hollow, thanks.

[KuanShiYin]

And what about the people who are being cheated on by the people having these emotional affairs? How do they recover? Shouldn't their feelings be taken into consideration? This article makes it seem as if it is normal and acceptable to engage in emotional cheating.

I beg to differ.

[IslandTom]

Emotions (and affairs) are not afflictions and therefore don't need any plan for "recovery". You recover from illness; you recover from addiction. But the pain of loss is part of life ... therefore no recovery needed !

[pickwickianmom]

Wow.
I needed a plan of recovery (some talk therapy and new interests and good friends) after a significant loss.

[ratstar]

some affairs just happen for the thrill of it.

and it so happens that sometimes you're already committed to someone and you meet another person who is much better suited to you.

you might be a logical, level-headed, ordinary person thinking that loving someone is a choice which must be worked at every day, and not the effect of the stars or the stimulation of a bunch of hormones, when one day you see someone and you realize that there is such a thing as compatibilty; that certain relationships just cannot be forced.

however, as he said, there are some people you just love, and some people you must love. the people in the must love category are those who have stood by you all those years, lived with your idiosyncrasies, built a family with you , and supported you when you had no money.

if you really care for someone, then you'll do what is best for them, and sometimes that means you'll have to let them go . it's natural to grieve for a while, but after this period of mourning, it's as if one day you jump our of bed after a long sleep, and you feel much refreshed, happy that you've met this person, happy that this person is somewhere alive in this world and doing his own thing, happy that you've got so many things ahead of you, happy that your patient spouse is still at your side. and you just go out there smiling.

[coultersnemesis]

WTF?

[Furby]

Oh right, the "I'm doing this for your own good" story. That one flies like a led stuffed turkey.

[stagebandman]

So, 34 years later, Jimmy Carter is still being held up as an example of a lustful man. Ms. Borchard, did you really have to make this reference? How can anyone outside of Playboy (where the interview took place) seriously continue to use that quote? It cheapens your story.

[SOLERSO68]

you might also want to consider that the sexual "love" relationship is not mandatory. After my ex and I took our long marriage off of life support and allowed it to die a natural death, I struggled with feeling like I had to find someone else. Part of it was the need to feel like I was keeping up, or that I was just supposed to. I dated , but i also did things i would never have done in a relationship; like spend a pile of MY money on something I alone wanted: an expensive American made guitar. Then i started learning to play it. this was some years ago and its taken me incredible places. I also have better freindships, with more people, and I dont miss be anchored to somemone else like saimese twins. I understand how much of "romantic" relationships are biological,and how much those relationship are there to soothe our own egos and self centered fears.

[Therese Borchard - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you all for your positive feedback and excellent insights! Therese

[Furby]

But we're just getting going. Wait I forgot the exclamation mark and the happy face! Can't find the happy face. Step no. 16, stop reading all those living sections, they'll just sink you deeper into depression. Go to your local bar, shoot some pool. Can't play? Doesn't matter, the guys around the table aren't checking out your technique :) Go girls, no time to brood.