8 Ways To Affair-Proof Your Marriage
According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of "The Monogamy Myth," 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. In other words, the person who stays monogamous within her marriage is among a growing minority.
Twelve years into my marriage, I can appreciate that statistic. Eric and I are getting to the hard part, where the pressing responsibilities of raising kids and growing two careers could easily blow apart the vows we recited on our wedding day.
Because I want my marriage to stay on the happy side of the statistics, I've gathered these tips for how to make marriage affair-proof.
1. Nurture Safe Friendships.
This is the most important affair-preventer in my life. No marriage can give you everything. A husband is going to have interests that his wife will never care about like fishing, hunting, or golfing. So he's less likely to stray if he can find some good guy buddies with whom to fish, hunt, and golf.
2. Recognize the Drug.
Depressives and addicts are especially prone to affairs because of the head rush that comes with infatuation. The spikes in dopamine and norepinephrine we experience upon connecting with someone new fools us into thinking that the sexy man or attractive woman at the bar holds the key to our nirvana and the end to our problems. This is the same as, say, the high from cocaine. Recognizing that that rush is not real, meaningful, or lasting, can help a married person to "just say no."
3. Keep Dating.
I'm serious here. Visiting with your spouse with some regularity--just the two of you and no one else--will bring some very definite rewards to a marriage. By dating, you will learn how to talk to each other again.
In her book, "Mating in Captivity," Esther Perel urges a client to imagine her spouse as if she has just met him, to put him into that mysterious category again. This is really hard when you got a little one screaming, "Wipe me!" from the bathroom. However, when you can pull it off, I find her theory very effective.
4. Find a Creative Outlet.
People get lured into emotional and physical affairs because the infatuation provides an exciting, stimulating place where they are energized.
So to stay affair-proof, you have to find other sources of stimulation and excitement. For me, my blog is that outlet. I can't wait to log on each day to see what all of my dear readers have to say. When I get overwhelmed by the domestic chaos of our lives, Beyond Blue provides me that outlet where I can create something new, where I can run away, however temporarily, from the stress.
5. Hang Out with Happy Couples.
If you're hanging with a bunch of guys (or girls) that see nothing wrong with sleeping around, you are much more likely to do it yourself. The good news is that the opposite is also true. If you have a set of friends committed to their marriages, you will be less likely to cheat on your spouse.
6. Learn How to Fight.
Wait before saying something really ugly, and make sure you weren't tired or hungry, or in a stressful situation. I'm not saying that you can't confront your spouse if you're tired, hungry, or stressed, because then we'd live in a silent world. But, it's a good idea to recognize situations that tend to accelerate arguments.
7. Be Nice and Listen.
"Duh," you're saying to yourself. But think about it. This is the hardest part about marriage.
Listening. Keeping your mouth closed when the other person is talking.
In my conversations with men and women who have had affairs, the number one reason for pursuing the affair was this: "She listened to me. I mattered to him."
8. Remember These Tools.
Never forget that you have a toolbox of resources to draw on when you feel tempted by an extramarital affair. Here are some tools offered to me by those healing from affairs, insights to keep in mind when you feel that familiar head rush and are tempted to abandon logic for a thrill:
*Don't go there: Don't put yourself in a threatening situation. Skip the conference in Hawaii with the colleague who flirts with you. If you absolutely have to go, avoid all opportunities to be alone with him.
*You've got mail: When you don't know if your email crosses the line into appropriate language, send it to yourself first. Read it again, and ask yourself: would I feel comfortable showing this to my husband?*Dress with intentions: One woman told me that she saved her lingerie for her husband, and wore the ratty old underwear to the high-school reunion where she'd see a flame from the past.
*Talk about your spouse: A guy friend told me that whenever he is alone with a woman he finds attractive and things are getting uncomfortable, he'll start talking about his wife--what her hobbies are, and how much he loves her. It immediately kills the mood.
Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here.
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Bye, bye Valerie Jarrett.....
See Naazish YarKhan's Profile
Great ideas ! Add another one - emotional attachments are created online just as easily as they are off line. Watch your steps !
Should add one more- Have sex.
Let me fix that:
Have sex as much as both of you can stand!
and then have some more!
I just had the most excruciating urge to share some personal anecdote in the hopes that it would have resonance for the blogosphere. The anecdote would be pointless, of course, so instead I am offering up this meta-anecdote...
If you want to cheat, watch the paper trail. All the things made of paper...phone bills, credit card receipts, dollar bills, notes and schedules.
If you want to catch a cheat, watch the paper trail. All the things made of paper...phone bills, credit card receipts, dollar bills, notes and schedules.
lexicon
"...According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of "The Monogamy Myth," 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. In other words, the person who stays monogamous within her marriage is among a growing minority...."
I'm not really sure, but I think you actually meant "shrinking" minority?
Also, if 60 percent of males, and 40 percent of females, have affairs (assuming, of course, monogamous heterosexual relationships!), that means that approximately 50% of ALL married individuals are having affairs...and that's neither a majority nor a minority.
Actually, that's still a rather amazing number.
Sorry, my pedantic suppression medication got mis-calibrated. carry on!
lexicon
There are many many reasons for a marraige to fail. My first marriage did- but not because of cheating on either side. I am now engaged again and I have to honestly say that I cannot envision myself cheating or really even wanting to cheat on this person. Each situation is different. If you are SO tempted that you can't take a business trip with an attractive co-worker or have to wear raggy underwear to an event where you might see an old boyfriend... I'm sorry, but that is so weak and pathetic, I don't even think advice will help you. Maybe you should not have been married in the first place.
Before I married, I dated a lot. I did what I wanted with who I wanted and by the time I got married, I didn't feel a need to sleep with other people or adventure around. Now in my late 30s, I totally know what I want, know what makes me happy and I'm with someone who is super-compatble to giving me that. Why on earth would I want to stray when I'm so happy with what I have at home? People who never figure that out or don't feel that way shouldn't get married.
My husband and I are childhood sweethearts and have been married for 25 years this summer. We also have a child with disabilities, resulting in challenges in our household income because I had to leave full time work. Can you imagine the stress that puts on a marriage? Although I have always disdained people who cheat (and still do), I contemplated cheating myself at points in our marriage were we weren't communicating, but never did it, my husband did, however--whether out of stress, "the rush" or just having the opportunity , I don't know because I was pretty much caught up in our disabled daughter. At first I thought about poisoning his food and/.or divorcing him, but I have learned never to make major decisions in the heat of anger--you will regret it. The truth is, it can happen--even to those who think they could never do it--like me. My husband and I are now in marriage counseling because we both wanted to save our marriage. In a sense, we are starting over, because we did so much wrong earlier in our marriage. All I can say is if you want it to, love can cover all wounds. It's about how badly do you want it. We really wanted it, have learned from our mistakes and things are better than ever.
NFS, I think I read that divorce rates for parents of autistic children were 80%. I know you didn't say your child was autistic, but I imagine that statistic extends to other disabilities.
In other words, it is amazing to me that you are both able to work on your marriage and put so much in perspective.
Wow. Congratulations. Best of Luck!
Were it not for the fact that I was reading this on the Internet, I would think I had woken up and landed in the Victorian Era. I'm surprised that Rule #9 wasn't "Try not to talk too much when your husband arrives home from work - remember, he's had a busy day!"
I believe these suggestions are meant for both men and women, but Therese is writing from her own (a woman's) perspective.
fyi. none of those things will work. it is inevitable and all married couples need to realize it.
Not true. Far from true. It's sad you think that.
I'm not so naive to think it can't happen, but your pessimism is surprising.
why is pessimism surprising? it is reality. not everything is perfect in this world. we have starving people in america. not everything is baseball, hotdogs, apple pie and chevrolet.
FYI, you don't know what you are talking about. The only inevitable thing is stupid comments from people who think that their experience applies to everyone else. I'm sorry you needed to cheat on your spouse, but there is nothing inevitable about cheating.
hardly a stupid comment, but yours is. you can pretend that it doesn't happen, but you probably live in kansas. get real. we are in a recession too. good luck but you don't need it right?
I disagree with rule #1. If you don't have the same interests then you are not compatible and shouldn't be married.
As far as rule #6 goes, if you RESPECT one another, you won't say anything hurtful. If you don't respect each other, you shouldn't be married. Rule #7 is covered by respect also.
Marriage really doesn't need any rules IF you truly are meant for one another AND it is NOT hard work. I've been married for 20 years now. He is 2nd husband so I KNOW the difference between a good marriage and a bad one.
So... you honestly like EVERYTHING your partner does? Really? Somehow, I highly doubt that. Besides, same interests are nice here and there, but everything? I'd find that VERY boring.
Oh yeah, because I'm going to wait around for the perfect guy who shares my penchant for knitting, violent video games, collecting Precious Moment figurines and plaid accouterments.
You had me until Precious Moments. *sigh*
I agree that it would be more challenging if you don't share any interest and you're probably better off if you do share some interest. But I think it's unnecessary to have the same exact interest. Sometimes it's the difference in interests that keep things interesting. They remind you that you're 2 individual independent beings who nevertheless really like being with each other.
Actually, the best marriage material I've read lately says that common interests are much, much less important than what type of person you are.
They split people into a few groups. I loaned out the book and never got it back or I could look at the types.
Anyway, it turned out that my husband was one type---because he was smothered with love by his mother as a child, he could easily feel crowded.
I grew up with very little attention, so I craved it, and wanted cuddling, reassurance, a little hand-holding. He wasn't a caretaker at all, so this all made him seethe.
In other words, I found out we were the worst combination in types. Even though we had lots and lots in common. We could talk for hours as friends about a wide variety of subjects. But our needs for intimacy were very different.
I think the Obama's "Date night" is a fabulous example to married couples.
Date Night was a reality WAY before Obama was...Many couples including me didn't need him to "show" us how to have a happy marriage.
This article is great. My wife and I used many of these on a regular basis
The obama's are very public figures who are juggling raising their children very hands-on as well as careers they way that most of us do.
It's easy...just don't have kids. We have been happily married for years and that won't change anytime soon. You said, "This is really hard when you got a little one screaming, "Wipe me!" from the bathroom." But..it's pretty easy when you don't.
You do not HAVE TO have children...there is no rule. Allow yourself a lifetime of adult happiness, sexiness, and disposable income!
Yay! Another childfree individual!
I completely agree with you. My partner and I are both HAPPILY child free. We don't have the drama that couples with children have. I've seen it.
Incidentally, I've noticed a trend that mothers are more likely to call their husbands "@ssh0les" or other unsavory names than childfree women.
YAY! Someone else who calls it "child free" instead of child-less. My partner and I are also among the ranks of the child free. We don't need a sitter to do....anything!
Isn't it wonderful when strangers' posts help make you feel validated about your own life choices? I'm so glad for you!
Never Go to Bed Angry ...married 30 years Feb 10th :)
congrats. sounds like you are as much in love as in the beginning.
No - just haven't slept in weeks...
So...... I'm supposed to sleep on the couch?? Or are both of us supposed to sleep on something other than a bed??
The issue is that we humans are not designed to be totally monogamous. Its our nature. Frisky behavior has its consequences and anyone who does it has to accept that. But fundamentally monogamy is not in the genes. Some of us manage that and some don't. The facts are that most of us are not satisfied sexually. Studies have shown that the male and female sex drives are more similar than different.
as former cheaters, (with each other and not proud of it), my husband and i are very devoted and happy. we have learned from our previous marriage failures. the same ingredients will always make the same cake. these tips in this article are right on. a person who enters into a marriage isn't always equipped with the necessary skills or desire to invest in the marriage as a whole. our first few years together, before we got married, were sometimes brutal; we hadn't changed our selfish, stubborn ways of thinking.. we hurt each other a lot. we went to "forgivness counseling" and it changed our lives. we nurture our marriage because it means everything to us. temptation is always there. but love and trust and valueing your spouse and your marriage can overcome this. the tip about avoiding flirting co-workers, acquaintences is right on target. as is talking about your spouse to such a person. i am not bragging, i am simply attesting to the fact that there is a such thing as a happy, monogamous marriage. btw; if your marriage is good, solid and happy; good sex just follows.
Yeah, I don't think it's possible to have really great, joyful sex in a bad relationship. Sex starts to change when the relationship begins to deteriorate. The emotional element is missing--or else people act out some of their resentments.
Isn't maximizing the mutual happiness of the couple and the stability of the family unit the very purpose of getting married? How does monogamy actually further that goal? Most men who cheat say "but I love my wife, I don't want to hurt her." Maybe they're being honest--most of the time it's simply a matter of indulging an evolutionary appetite for sexual variety, hardly a desire to replace a beloved spouse! Where did our idea of monogamy come from? Certainly not the Old Testament, in which rich men could afford harems and only women were expected to have a single male partner. Times have changed since then, and we're better for it!
Monogamy is hardly a requisite for a loving, stable, happy partnership! Sure, it's a big step to let go of an also evolutionary impulse to jealousy, but through communication and trust, it can be done--and it can lead to wonderful places! If you and/or your partner have trouble staying "on the wagon," try rethinking the wagon! Read Tristan Taormino's wonderful book "Opening Up," featuring conversations and interviews with dozens of happy partners in a diverse variety of open relationship structures: http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X
P.S. -- Always practice safer sex! Use a condom and get screened for STI's at your regular checkup-- cheaters and alike!--with stats like we just read, and diseases like HIV and Hep C, it's so much better to be safe than sorry!
I love how have an open marriage seems to be the key to finding happiness. I can't even for a second imagine sharing my husband like that with anyone. To be honest any real happy couple couldn't. Open Marriages should be called band-aids because it is something people do to try and fix a deeper hurt in the marriage.
Open marriages are for weak couples that most likely shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I find that anyone that would suggest that anyone try it is quite frankly broken themselves. You can try and convince me otherwise but I have seen this wonderful fix it tool ruin 6 marriages over the last 10 years.
I've seen open marriages make it, but the level of pain in the family was terrible. Maybe it's different when the children aren't aware....I don't know. If the family is always looking the other way, the children grow up with an image of their mother as a martyr. They know she is hurting and can't do anything about it.
While I too don't plan on "sharing" my husband, I find your comment to be narrow.
I believe a healthy relationship is based on everyone involved being happy with the terms. Growing up, the ONLY healthy, loving marriage I was exposed to was an open one. And to an outsider, they look just like any other couple: a child and a dog to boot!
While I am sorry to hear of the woes your acquaintances have experienced, they certainly don't represent all those who choose that lifestyle.
Agree 100% with you.
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