Writing "Beyond Blue": Keeping My End of the Bargain

I'm a tad over hearing about how depression and other mood disorders are yuppie diseases for folks with the time and resources to ruminate and obsess. I could do without all the advice on how to transform my thoughts into happy campers, even as I try every mindfulness strategy and cognitive-behavioral trick in the book. And I'd like to, one day, be able to tell family and friends the truth when they ask the predicable question, "How are you?"

We need to understand something important.

Depression kills.

It killed my godmother--my mom's younger sister--at the tender age of 43. It kills approximately 800,000 people across the globe every year. Suicide takes more lives than traffic accidents, lung disease, and AIDs, and it is the second leading cause of death in females aged 15 to 40. By 2020, depression is expected to be the second most debilitating disease worldwide.

But if you don't care about those stats, let me tell you this: Depression nearly killed me. For two years after the birth of my youngest child, I was a suicidal mess. The worst part about it? Unlike a cancer victim, I had to keep it all to myself. I wasn't able to utter a word to the outside world.

Because I had already been judged plenty.

Well-intentioned people said I wasn't eating organically, that I wasn't doing the right yoga, that I should be praying harder, and that my meditation attempts were lame. They told me to get over my childhood crap and move on, to buck up like the rest of the population. So I continued to fall into my cereal bowl every morning, to carry with me a paper bag for imminent panic attacks, to lock myself and my kids into the restroom of a Starbucks until my meltdown subsided, and to pull over onto the side of the road whenever I started to shake.

After trying 23 medication combinations, working with 7 psychiatrists, participating in two inpatient hospital psychiatric programs, and attempting every alternative therapy out there, I made a bargain with God.

"I will dedicate the rest of my life to helping people who suffer from mood disorders," I promised, "if I ever wake up and want to be alive."

Miraculously that day did come... the morning I woke up and thought about coffee.

So here I am. With my mission: to educate folks about mental illness and to offer support to those who, like myself, suffer from mood disorders.

That's why I wrote "Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes."

So that others might find a seed of hope in my story, and be able to hang on for one day longer. So that anyone who struggles with anxiety or depression--even in the slightest way--might find a companion in me, some consolation in the incredibly personal details of my story, and a bit of hope to lighten and often dark and lonely place.

It's about my end of the bargain.

 

Follow Therese Borchard on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thereseborchard

Comments

[JohnJeter]

Thank you. I lost one of my most intimate friends this year to suicide. From depression. Still haven't processed that. Too overwhelmed with a diagnosis of my own.

[MarcoDante]

I once had a friend tell me that I lived a charmed life. From the outside looking in, perhaps. While I think he was aware that I am somewhat challenged mentally, there was no way that he could ever comprehend the depths of my despair. I think many people get very good at hiding their disorder. But that comes with a toll. My life isn't necessarily better because I am open about my bipolar disorder, but it is a little easier to navigate when family and friends understand and can learn how to help, or to leave me alone, depending on the day. Thanks sharing your story and for educating others. While our disability has its disadvantages, I believe it also makes us better people, more interesting, more creative, sensitive and compassionate. And very often, as you've displayed, empathetic and eager to help.
Marco http://bipolarized.wordpress.com.

[Arithrianos]

As a depression survivor myself, it is clear that depression is a disease not a moral or lifestyle failing. When i was in the worst of it noone seemed to notice, noone tryed to get me help, and i did not want to help myself, i just wanted a guaranteed suicide. My depression was lifted off my shoulders completly by a mystical encounter with a spirit, so i can't really offer any therapy or meditaion, but i am so with you on the fact that it is not at all easy to deal with, what it takes i don't really know, but depression has a lot more causes than a bad childhood or bad food choices, there is also bad genes. Stay with whatever works for you, i wish you the best.

[judithdschwartz]

Thanks for this, from another author committed to getting the word out about the importance of grappling with depression/anxiety on its own terms. I actually became a therapist to try to cure a mood disorder I didn't want to acknowledge! (Big mistake...) I will write to you directly.

Judith D. Schwartz
Author of: The Therapist's New Clothes
Website: www.judithdschwartz.com

[Abe34]

Therese,

I clicked on living, I scrolled down, and there was your column. I needed to read this tonight. I advocate, provide support, education and promote a vision of recovery and empowerment for individuals and families affected by mental illness. I Love what I do. I graduated with a business degree and I ended up in a career far from what I ever dreamed of. My experience was so life altering, I can't imagine doing anything else.

Four years ago I found recovery. For the first time in my life I am living the life I want and have felt good for an extended amount of time. I slowly began to self disclose and be more open. I was actually kinda down tonight after a long day. I was just listening to soul asylum with my dog Ted and cat Bruno. I feel better and I plan to check out your book. Thanks.