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Lights Go On -- Part VIII -- Feeling Love Toward...

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Feeling love toward the magic of who I am
The creator and myself
feeling love toward myself
and how to love myself

Dear Self -- I want to see you
I want to see you as who you are
I have seen you through the eyes of need,
hormones and sex
you want freedom
no co-dependence
to be all of who you are
and still be loved by me
and not judged
any reaction is my reaction
my body is reacting:
that you're not going to love me as much
anything that is outside of me is me

I want you to explore your world in unconditional love

Shine light through these reactions:
I'm insecure
jealous
abandoned
I feel I've abandoned myself a long time ago
I'm the source of my love
I'm sorry I abandoned me
people can come and go
how often have I taken the time to love me
to feel love toward me?

I've taken plenty of time to beat myself up
in that place I have piled layer upon layer of abusing myself
and it all comes down to not seeing the magnificence and the miracle that I am

Great Spirit -- I've never been taught about the miracle that I am
and this is the tragedy
if there is a human tragedy this is it
to feel such love and sweetness toward my divine self --
my body,
the miracle of every cell,
every molecule in its ability to function...

Dear Cells -- how often do I look at you and feel what you're doing?
you completely work harmoniously
with all your brothers and sisters
to support my consciousness

it's as if you've all
pulled together as me to support my consciousness --
my intelligence
and you are doing a magnificent job

every one of you is magical
and I feel such love for what you've put up with all these years...
me and my ego
judging myself
comparing myself
feeling less than
these imprints have only made your job harder
more difficult -- harder
and I've gotten in your way

I never really saw you
I only saw you through the eyes of doubt
and this is what I've projected onto women
or onto myself in relationship to women
and this is the delusion I want to burn out
delusional feeling and thinking
self doubt
self mistrust
doubt of others
mistrust of others
it's all the same
I can feel you

I have made myself conscious enough
where I can look at myself objectively
and feel the doubt
and the depression
and the sadness
and the mistrust
and the anger
that I have been feeding
for such a long time

Leave me now

Great Spirit -- massage these layers loose
and all the exhaustion that goes with them
all the deadness
all the drain

it's like I've had this dark demon inside of me
its feeling of negativity
kind of pissed off
I want you to exorcise these demons out of me

I can feel you and you're not who I am
I'm tired of feeling I got dealt the short stick
when I am the most magnificent creature I know
I am absolutely beautiful
and this beauty is a feeling...

As I know this for myself
I know this for others too
no matter what they do

Great Spirit -- intensify this truth...

this rock in my stomach is the old doubt

Dear Doubt -- you've been an old familiar friend
what am I going to do with you?
maybe you need love too
maybe all of these dark places in me need love
and who better to love them than me
and there is so much to love
I can love all my reactions
my feelings of abandonment
feelings that I'm not good enough
even feelings of jealousy
and emptiness
I love you too
because this is my nature

I start with me
when I truly love me
and all of my shadow
then I can truly love you
and all of your shadow

This is the inner feeling of the universe
and when I open up to this feeling
I open up to the universe and all of its intelligence
and dear vibration, dear love,
burn out what's not you
right now

The other has worn me out, exhausted me
I want you to go after it and massage it loose
with light
the feeling of worn out
exhaustion
bring it all out from my bones
and melt it out of me now
even this is not who I am

I am amazing and everything that is not amazing in me
is not the truth of who I am
and it is amazing how much of this mistruth I have carried
and made real,
isn't it?

The truly amazing thing is that I can see it...
I have evolved to a place where I can see this now
and it is through this seeing that I feel my transformation
taking place

What I am talking about right now is the feminine aspect of God...
the intelligence of the universe
she is so beautiful in each one of us
and she takes her time so she doesn't miss a beat

I push past her when we have sex because I have a goal -- an orgasm

same as when I walk -- a destination

When I enjoy the rite of the moment with her

When I fully experience her in the moment

We arrive feeling joy, completely alive and integrated

Anytime I push I am always pushing past her and she cries out to be noticed. When I am present she does not cry out... she is happy... she is met within myself...
she is embraced, she is connected and I feel the truth of her.

And, when I truly love myself
I am not pushed by what my relationships do
because I am filled with the fullness of self contentment.

Thank you, Don Hanson, for your inspiration.

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