05/10/2006 09:02 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Little George Seeks a Pen Pal in Iran

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

I'm answering your letter 'cause I saw your picture on the cover of Time Magazine. Time is part of the elite liberal media in my country that only report bad news about America, so I wasn't reading it. I get briefed by my staff. That way only I get the news I want. It makes this job much easier. You should try it.

Anyway, I saw the picture and I looked into your eyes, and at first I thought I saw the soul of an Evildoer. But it was only a picture, so I couldn't be sure. Usually I need to see a live person before I know if they're Good or Evil. And then, when I looked at the picture again, I thought maybe I was seeing Moral Clarity, and so I thought maybe this is a Good Man who just happened to get mixed up with the wrong Philosopher.

So I decided to write you. I'm The Decider, so I decided. I didn't tell Condi. I didn't even tell Laura--which could get me into real trouble--so I would appreciate it if you kept this letter to yourself.

Now, I know there are Evildoers in the Axis of Evil who think America is the Great Satan. I understand that. And I'm thinking maybe they've convinced you about that? But here's something I've learned since I've been the President, which is longer than you, so listen up: sometimes the first thing you think isn't true. Even if you have Moral Clarity you can be wrong about things. Like, when we invaded Iraq, I thought it was a real country like America or...or...England. I looked at the map and there it was, with borders and a capital city and a name and everything.

What was I supposed to think?

Come to find out that Iraq is divided into all these tribes and stuff. They should put asterisks next to some of these places, know what I mean!?

Uh, I'll explain about baseball later.

So, anyway, that's what can happen when you haven't been somewhere. You can get the wrong idea because of partial information. That's what I 've learned since I've been President. Here's what I'm thinking. Maybe something like that could be happening to you about America. If all you know about America is the Hollywood pornographers, baby murderers, and gays and lesbians undermining society's most sacred institutions--well, you might start thinking Satan. I can understand that. In fact, some of America's leading clerics-- think of them as Mullah Falwell and Mullah Robertson--they believe that God allowed 9/11 to happen to America as just punishment for those sins. They may not think of America as the Great Satan, but they definitely see Satan's influence over here and they hate it. So if that's all you know about America, you might too. I can understand that.

But here's the deal: that's not the real America. The real America hates that bad America as much as you do. And I represent the real America. That's why I don't need pointy-headed professors and so-called experts to tell meanything. I just look into my heart and then I know what's right. God speaks to me in my heart.

I'm thinking you might operate the same way. I'm thinking you might turn out to be my kind of guy. If you just made a little adjustment in your philosophy, and accepted Jesus as your personal savior, I'm betting we could work out all these oil and nuclear problems over a good pork barbeque in Crawford.

What do you think?

I've already got special nickname for you!

George W. Bush