Two strangers meet, fall in love and marry. Both persons are never truly aware of the stranger within. Frequently during the process of divorce long hidden brutal character traits are revealed. Suppressed resentments, hurts, and fears are evidenced. They are met with avoidance, or confrontation. Past lovers, and partners now become combatants. Past intimacies are remembered with grief, sadness, and feelings of treachery. Distrust is a dominant feeling by both parents. Physical contact becomes repugnant, and only the most unavoidable communication takes place. Overwhelming sadness and despair are expressed with bitterness and hostility. Where are the children in this conflict -- this war zone? How and by whom are the children protected? What influence can the children have on the warring parties?
With divorce ending 50% of the marriages, we cannot ignore the immediate and long-term devastation that combative, self-serving parents often bring upon their children. In the light of the divorce epidemic I believe it is incumbent that all professionals involved in the process make parents aware of the combative and abusive behaviors that divorcing parents demonstrate to one another.
As a clinical and pediatric psychologist who has participated in many divorce proceedings, it is obvious that the declaration of the judge, "In the best interests of the child" holds little meaning for many parents. When divorce begins, all too often, parenting dies. Divorcing parents typically start the process firmly resolved to protect the needs of their child, but like many failed New Year's resolutions, the brutal realities of the divorce process leave children frightened and confused. Husband and wife become combatants, accompanied by attorneys, forensic accountants, and professional counselors all ready for battle. The results of such combat leave little regard for the best interests of the child. Caught in the crossfire, children resort to denial, lying, acting out, and engage in painful allegiances that cause even greater childhood distress and anguish. A typical example of the combat occurs when divorcing parents criticize their spouse in front of their children, despite the sensible and court mandate to avoid such behavior. Perhaps the parent simply needs to "let off steam," or to gain the child's allegiance, but what results is a confused, anxious and emotionally distraught child. An end to a marriage may be appropriate for a husband and wife, but parenting never ends.
Couples thinking of divorce, or in the process of divorce and those already divorced must be made aware of the numerous ways that they cause harm to their children, even while believing that the best interests of their child is being served.
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example: one parent promises a long wished for birthday gift. then does not send the gift. the other parent has every right to express their anger over a broken promise, and their child's disappointment. and tell the child what the other parent did was wrong and to ask the other parent to apoligize and acknowledge that it was wrong to make a promise and then break it.
the pattern of irresponsible behavior though no longer is directed at the ex-spouse, but they still have to deal with it, because the children have to deal with it.
My ex has spent years neglecting our children. When he does I tell them I'm sorry their feelings have been hurt, that they deserved better from their father and then we move on. Asking my ex or any ex who is irresponsible and insensitive for an apology is like carrying water to the ocean...you accomplish nothing more than extending the conflict which extends the child's discomfort.
http://divorcesupport.about.com
http://divorcedwomenonline.com
Paul Millars new book "The Best Interests of Children: An Evidence-Based Approach,” is perhaps the best, researched based review of the "Family" courts standard. Not surprisingly, Millar concludes the court has been failing, in significant fashion, it meeting that standard. Millar writes "“there appears to be a disconnect between the theoretical criterion of custody determinations - best interests - and what actually plays out in the context of the justice system.” and “we must abandon the claim that the court has been acting in children’s best interests."
If you want to claim "The Best Interest of the Child" has any definition in the court system..... there are a multitude of others ready to argue you have no basis in fact in your belief system.
Happy Thanksgiving.
The court may dictate how often you parent your child but it does not dictate HOW you parent your child. Parents who succeed at parenting well during divorce don't have to concern themselves with the court's definition of "best interest." Whether one does so or not is a personal choice, not a choice made by the courts.
http://divorcesupport.about.com
http://divorcedwomenonline.com
I have to ask if you even read what I wrote. There is a growing body of research which clearly states "best interest of the child" means nothing to the "family" court. For you to try and convince me of the nobility of the court in such an endeavor is wasted effort.
Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the "standard visitation" (i.e. every other weekend) given to "non-custodial parents" (fathers). It sounds it. So, as a father, if I parent my children well 4 days a month, I should be all a glitter about the "family" court system. That argument has no basis in logic.
Additionally, how many people, acting irresponsibly, are required to have a relationship characterized as "high conflict?" The answer is one.
As long as mothers are given a Maternal Veto, they are incentivized to create conflict... and the lawyer are all to happy to oblige.
We seem to have different opinions of the capabilities of Family Court.
The case of Kristin Ruggiero said a great deal about the review of "real life data" done in Family Court.
"She mocked him. She laughed at him. (She said) 'I took all your money, I took your daughter and now I am going to take your career'," Assistant County Attorney Jerome Blanchard said in court yesterday. He said Ruggiero's folly came because claims in criminal court had to be backed up -- unlike in family court where she made repeated claims about ex-husband's behavior. "Unfortunately for her, we're not in family court anymore," Blanchard said.
http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=Plotting+ex-wife+gets+7-14+years+in+jail&articleId=14addb23-2910-4e11-8279-d6466abd6fe5
That you espouse the family court actually examines "real life data, from every possible perspective" is interesting in that it comes to the same conclusion in the vast majority of cases. Lets at least be honest, if the case goes through the court system, and the mother is not abusive (alcohol, drugs, child), she is getting physical custody and the father will get "standard visitation" of every other weekend. That our process has allowed for such twisted logic to state that is in "the best interest of the child" is an arguement not based on logical reasoning.
Given the statistics around custody decisions, and the cookie cutter approach we pursue, why not a book entitled "Mom is Always the Best Parent."
Thanks for raising our awareness about how important it is for people in the midst of divorce to get help and support for their children. The emotions that get triggered in parents as a result of a divorce are so primitive that it is probably next to impossible for them not to spill over onto their children without professional help. Judges need to do more than mandate child support. They need to also mandate activities that are "In the best interest of the child" and will support moms and dads in their role of parents in the new social construction of their lives.
Dr. Lynn K. Jones
www.lynnkjones.com
Having primary placement of 3 children, I have tried to speak with my attorney (who has represented my financial interests very well) again and again about the father's public affair, drinking issues, parental alienation attempts, etc. Asking for 'no contact orders for significant others during the divorce process so that my children wouldn't be exposed to their father's girlfriends was denied. Asking for motions to address continued parenting guideline violations have been ignored -- because they are 'suggested' guidelines. Asking the court to appoint a child advocate who can address the 'Disneyland Dad' scenario has been laughed at. Unless children are physically beaten, I have come to believe that NOTHING can be done to help them.
If I wasn't in the profession of mental health care, I would not have one skill needed to navigate this damaging environment my children are currently living in. None of the professionals I've dealt with in 'family law' know anything at all about what 'is in the best interest of the child'.
One of the most important goals of any support system helping a reorganizing family is to support parents as they re-engage with their parenting duties. Pointing out to parents what is occurring is a start. Opportunities for skill building are also necessary for the parents behavior to change.
Claire N. Barnes, MA kidsturn@earthlink.net
Executive Director, Kids' Turn www.kidsturn.org