Several years ago I made a two hour drive on a snowy winter day to Boston to hear a lecture on the creative life. I told a friend about my plan, and he said something I've never forgotten: "I wish I had that much enthusiasm about my life."
Recently I received an email from someone I didn't know, telling me about his efforts to be unique and eccentric and yet fit in as a typical American. His words burned with his passion to figure it all out. I felt like my friend of old: Wouldn't it be great to be so enthusiastic about life, to lose sleep over an issue of personal character?
I have the impression that many people see their lives as evolving, just spinning out in time. Things happen, and then other things happen. There is no intensity of reflection, no self-confrontation over failures and stupidities.
I see it all differently. I see the point in life to become more mature. That means to have more substance and bite, more character and understanding for having faced certain outcomes of ignorance. You make a big blunder, and you sentence yourself to months and years of sorting it out, until you are a person who won't make that blunder again. You've gone somewhere. You've become something.
When I read the statements of our politicians and business leaders, I'm often struck by this lack of soul-process by which they could become mature enough to lead. I see naive blindness and unprocessed behavior everywhere, as though one of the requirements for these positions is that you have never reflected on values or meaning. They seem to see no problem in floating bubbles of moral platitudes with no intention of ever taking them seriously. They broadside their opponents, routinely flouting the ad hominem principle (attacking the person rather than discussing the idea) instead of engaging in subtle, complex argument.
Self-awareness doesn't arrive on a golden cloud. It's an achievement won through pain and courage. It takes a strong heart to face certain weaknesses again and again until, through this practice of reflection, they become strengths.
Today people readily use the word "mindfulness" for the important process I'm describing. But I'm worried that mindfulness can be taken as a passive, painless, romanticized version of what is needed. Awareness comes from a battle, like the ferocious one described in the Bhagavad Gita or the battering sea-journey of the Odyssey. Both Jesus and the Buddha were tested mightily before they went out teaching. You don't find out who you are and act maturely from a restful weekend at the cottage.
When I first became a psychotherapist I had to face several unprocessed traits in me: a tendency toward sentimentality and some self-justified jealousy. I went through months of intense struggle sorting these things out, not just intellectually, but emotionally and as elements of character. I knew that I couldn't do the work if I didn't make some progress with this raw material of my soul.
That's how I see it: raw material. The politician who tries to make gains by vilifying his opponent or manipulating his constituency by telling them what he thinks they want to hear, is raw, unprocessed, immature, not ripe enough to hold the important position as a leader and representative of the community. We need more character from a leader than that. He has to show some signs of having sorted through the raw materials of the self so as to speak with courage and substance.
"Courage" often appears in public speaking as a bubble word: It floats easily and lightly but doesn't have the gravitas of the real thing. "Courage" means "heart" and involves the heart. To confront yourself, process the past and sort out your rough patches is not just an intellectual exercise but a real engagement requiring courage and tenacity.
Some of us therapists voluntarily or by rule go through months or years of therapy to prepare for our work. I can imagine every occupation having a similar requirement. You want to work at this bank? You'll need six months of guidance in self-examination. You want to be a doctor? You'll have to spend a year maturing your soul.
This is a pipe dream, of course, but we could at least teach our kids the art of courageous self-reflection. We could help them read the Bhagavad Gita and the Odyssey as models for their lives. We could help them reflect on moral conundrums and character issues that come up in every child's life.
The best way to ripen a nation's soul is to start with myself. I could stir the flames of self-questioning about who and what I am. I could take old bits of unconsciousness and habits of self-interest, place them in the alchemical crucible of reflection and work hard at transforming them into gold.
Leaders mirror the lives of the people. We get the leaders we deserve; they come from among us. To get good leadership, one by one, we have to take our lives seriously, subjecting them daily to the tough work of examination. One by one we could become a more mature nation, a people of soul, possessed of hard-won self-awareness, capable of the subtleties of world leadership.
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When I travel, especially to traditional indigenous communities, I see in the children a joy and playfulness common to children everywhere. But I also see a seriousness of intent about their soul, an ability to really focus with real concentration on natural events, and a deep-seated interest and concern in the words of their elders.
So, I suspect our educational model relies too heavily on schools, having forgotten what a culture of "received wisdom" looks like. Most parents aren't any longer sure what to actually teach their children beyond the slogans and easy answers they've come across randomly and latched onto.
So why should children listen to adults?
I see no other answer than the one you advocate for so eloquently. It seems to me that the actual "mechanism" by which "individual transformation" leads to "collective transformation" is the sustained interaction between the generations: We simply must make ourselves better people so that we can inspire younger people at a younger and younger age to take their souls seriously, to take nature (rather than just technology) as a teacher and beloved companion, and to seek out the counsel of elders they respect.
We have to make ourselves worthy of contributing to the collective transformation--a lifelong effort, indeed. The shape-shifting habit-mind of self-defeating thoughts, feelings, and memories does not give up without a fight.
Grateful For Your Own Contribution,
William
An excellent post, Thomas. I keep away from soul-related topics, because, unfortunately and predictably (in the US especially) they are suffused with the pablum of, at best, positive psychology or its assorted variations, or, at worst, New Age-ish gibberish that leads to navel-gazing that has nothing to do with psychological (and spiritual) growth.
Somehow we have forgotten -- and in this country, this "forgetfulness" has been purposely cultivated, in my opinion, as favorable to the culture of consumerism -- that there is no growth without a painful internal struggle which confronts us, as it should, with our shortcomings and limitations (and then some).
You say:
"Leaders mirror the lives of the people. We get the leaders we deserve; they come from among us. To get good leadership, one by one, we have to take our lives seriously, subjecting them daily to the tough work of examination. One by one we could become a more mature nation, a people of soul, possessed of hard-won self-awareness, capable of the subtleties of world leadership."
Amen. I'm your new fan.
Such thoughts, both yours and Thomases.
They do so spur me on to dig deeper.
Fanned and Faved
But it seems to me it happens less often through therapy - more often through life: sickness, divorce, bad turns, bereavement. Therapists seem as fallible as the rest of us.
What I found: Common people strive for betterment, want to do better, do right. Leaders want to lead - no personal growth there, most of the time.
Alexa Fleckenstein M.D., physician, author.
Empathy is the force, or one of the major ones, that propels us toward authentic growth, which, as you said, happens mainly through life's frustrations, obstacles, misfortunes and tragedies. Empathy, and the concomitant feelings of shame and guilt, both maligned in our culture, are necessary for the "maturing of the soul."
And yes, I agree that therapists are as fallible as the rest of us, but sometimes, thanks to serendipity more perhaps than anything else, they can help others take the next and necessary developmental step. It does happen. (Of course this also happens, and more often, during encounters with "ordinary" people whom we meet in various life's situations.)
I would add that these kinds of attacks and their more insidious kin, the passive-aggressive, yet in-your-face retort, has increased as well in both public and private life. Indeed some skewed notions about individual fun appear to be accepted as moot. As if to say, “Hey, if I get my jollies, gain attention, or make a profit, who cares how it affects anyone or anything else? I’m having fun, so who cares?” It seems every man is an island, he’s out to have a good time, and everything else be damned. This isn’t the entire picture of course, but it's alarmingly on the ascendant. Christopher Lasch saw this coming more than 30 years ago, and was wrongly accused of being partisan. Narcissism does not have a party affiliation, it's a virus.
There is certainly no shortage of “raw material” in me or out there. If only we committed to finding a way to make soul fuel out of it.
{{{fanned}}}
Right you are. It's highly unprofitable, this soul-maturing stuff. Naw, it's actually contrary to the teachings of the Gospel of Profit, and thus will not be embraced in our culture any time soon.
I grew up in an environment where within the family and the circle of friends frequent discussions about all aspects of life were regular and then I moved to the U.S ,after living 3o years in Europe, and suddenly I was confronted with a society of meaningless small talk.
I think this is partly due to the fact that people do not have time to entertain at home, you cannot have an interesting discussion in a restaurant when the waiter is constantly trying to turn over the table.
I found that partners were not able to speak about their feelings and past experiences, I found that different races could not communicate and that people of dissimilar political opinions were not able to discuss it out, only hate each other. Everybody calls each other a friend in this country, but in reality there is very little friendship.
I even found that therapists and counselors were avoiding to go in-depth and probably due to fear of being politically incorrect vitally important questions about religion, gender and race were avoided.
I am not familiar with your work, but I will check it out.
I would say that these differences between the US and Europe are deeply rooted in our cultures -- and economies. In the US, where profits rule, people are seen either as potential consumers/clients (= sources of profit), or competitors. Of course it's a generalization that does not apply to all, but one that becomes more vivid to me with every decade I spend in the US (I too am a transplant). This objectification leads to a soullessness on a massive scale and affects every aspect of our relationships with others. Why, we (as in, Americans) treat our own children as sources of profit, striving, or teaching them how to strive, for the maximum material success, starting with enrolling them in "the best" preschools (which must lead to "the best" -- highly competitive - colleges, jobs, etc.)
The preoccupation with material success and the competition behind it has blinded Americans to the tragic nature of human life -- and this has led to the withering of the soul that you (and Thomas, of course) describe.
I'd say that Europeans have been (luckily for them) less spoiled in this respect -- for one, their almost-endless wars, on their own soil, have taught them more humility and a sense of human limitations. That, in turn, has impressed on them a lesson on the importance of genuine and messy, but invaluable relationships with others that go beyond the superficial.
Yes, it is a different world altogether.
Liberal and conservative, Republican and Democrat, Tea Partier and progressive, on and on, are all synonymous with divide and conquer. You don't have to convince the ego-mind with its already strong sense of separation that these divisions are real, and it doesn't take a genius of a sociopath to manipulate people through the use of these false dichotomies.
I'm heartened however to see more and more people striving to live mindfully. I'm meeting more people who are beginning to realize the degree to which they've been manipulated. People are outright rejecting the fear porn. They are sensing that there really is a oneness, a unity to things, and that we are all brothers and sisters.
I'm hopeful, and hope-filled, that things will change.
Thank you for the reminder.
Regards
Kari Henley
For me, this says it all. Excellent post, thank you!
This is such a great post, the way you weave personal, family, community and national interests. Thank you.
Thank you.
I have read and been informed by your work,and deeply impacted by you, Dr. James Hillman and Robert Sardello. We are facing a world that is more and more devoid of an awareness of the soul and its process and of how we are shaped by it.
It's a thrill to see your writing here on the Living page and I hope you'll regularly grace this page with your gifts. In my own small way, I have been exploring the topic of the soul and its process over the past couple of months in my contributions here and on my personal blog and website: Rx For The Soul (www.judithrich.com). It's an honor to share this journey with you.
Many blessings
Judith Rich