Back in the day, hot American summers meant a few things: the inevitability of camp, talking cans of vegetables, and ice cream trucks playing jaunty tunes. Every time that telltale song was heard, it stimulated a flurry of decision-making instantaneously: Do I get the Sonic the Hedgehog popsicle? Or a Choco Taco? Or maybe something even better -- if there is such a thing? Like it or not, there was a definite hierarchy to the offerings of any ice cream truck, and we've laid out the spread as obviously as a popsicle stick joke penned by a 6-year-old.
Offended? Surprised? Suddenly struck with potent nostalgia and need a place to be comforted by like-minded pop-cultural veterans of the '90s? Let us know in the comment section. And here they are, without further ado, from worst to best:
23. Scribbler
Oh, boy! A popsicle that reminds me of the inevitability of my return to school! No thanks, Popsicle lobby. Plus, they don't even actually write. Good for a simple pantomime joke and nothing more.
22. Spongebob Squarepants (and any other character)
In theory, these popsicles (the whole lot of them, from Sonic to Tweety to any one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but -- c'mon -- definitely Michaelangelo) would be at the top of the list. They assert that you're knowledgeable about pop culture, they taste relatively decent, and they're walking advertisements for Sega/Nickelodeon. But in practice, the gumball eyes are always grotesquely uneven, they all start to get as jowly as Mitch McConnell as they melt, and there's always the sobering realization that you're eating the flesh of your hero. Not cool.
21. Bubble Play
This is just a blood-red cherry baseball glove with a gumball in the middle. And it's gross.
CREDIT: Klondike
20. Klondike Bar
The epitome of a low-effort, classic ice cream treat. Literally, just vanilla coated with chocolate. Would you do anything for one? Probably not, since there are a lot of better things out there.
19. Screwball
It's kinda difficult to eat these, since the cone they come in is inedible, but the flavors are pretty good (strawberry, cherry, etc.), and there's a reward at the bottom in the form of a bubblegum ball or two. It teaches patience.
18. Ice Cream Sandwich
Meh.
17. Strawberry Shortcake
The Nature Valley bar of popsicles. The crunchy strawberry shortcake coating on these can be a bit dry, and is crumbly to the point of inconvenience. Still, the strawberry filling is delicious.
16. Sundae Cone
Tastes good but is also dreadfully boring -- it's a sundae. I can get one of these at any ice cream stand in America, and it'll be almost the same price for significantly better versions of the same ingredients.
CREDIT: Good Humor
15. Chocolate Eclair
Given a choice between the Chocolate Eclair and the Strawberry Shortcake, I'd say that any kid with any sense will choose the Chocolate Eclair every time. Chocolate filling? Looks like a big ol' frozen Crunch bar? I'll take it. Still crumbly, though.
14. Toasted Almond
The third and final Good Humor crunchy popsicle is a bit of a deep cut, but it's also their most solid offering due to its unconventional flavor -- almond and vanilla ice creams surrounded by cake and almond pieces. It actually feels kinda granola-y and is probably your hippie aunt's favorite.
13. Firecracker
The Firecracker represents a new wave of thinking in the popsicle world -- multiple fruit flavors in the same popsicle! In this case, cherry, lemon, patriotism, and blue raspberry, which are a solid combo...
12. Cyclone
... and then there's the Cyclone, which is a slightly elevated version of the Firecracker. Yeah, the layered look is cool, but c'mon -- a swirl?! This thing's fancy as hell, and the name is a lot more intimidating. Which counts for a lot in the popsicle world.
Follow Thrillist on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Thrillist
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.
