THE BLOG

There's a Dude Like This in Every Coffee Shop in America

04/17/2014 11:02 am ET | Updated Jun 17, 2014

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CREDIT: Anthony Humphreys/Flickr: Kathleen Tyler Conklin

Coffee shops are like assholes: everyone's got one, and they're full of assholes. Wait... that's not right. But you know what is? This breakdown of the clothing, accessories, and habits of that one guy who's always driving baristas & other customers nuts at your local cafe.

Just LOOK at this guy:

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This hoser dresses himself carefully just to hog an outlet all damn day at local java joints across the country. Get familiar with the clothing & accessories that give him away, or be damned to endure him for eternity/the remainder of your coffee.

Espresso drinks you've never heard of: Sure, a cortado is basically just a half-sized macchiato. But if he ordered it like that, everyone wouldn't know that he lived in Spain after undergrad while he was "finding himself". So, yeah.

Thick-framed glasses: Are those even prescription? Wait... do they even have lenses?!

Desert boots: Despite never lacing them, these are the nicest shoes he owns. Everything is either beat-up sneakers or those rubber sandals that foreign dudes wear with capris. (He found those in Spain, too.)

Hand-rolled cigarettes: You're beginning to suspect his entire persona is imported from Europe.

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CREDIT: Anthony Humphreys; Flickr/Kathleen Conklin

Earbuds: When he's not conference-call whisper-screaming into that inline mic, these babies are blasting "Ho Hey!" by The Lumineers so loudly that you momentarily consider clapping along. Then you remember you've heard this song 74,758,362 times, and would rather get the clap than listen to it again. Ho... HEY!

Beanie: Regardless of season -- August? Sure! -- he's wearing one. Either it's a watch cap rolled up 3 inches above his ears like a condom, or it's a slouchy number that's barely clinging to the back of his head. You idly wonder if he stores food in the weird pouch that forms at the base of his neck.

Chambray shirt: Dress shirts are corporate, and he's no suit -- he's thinking of "launching his own thing" soon, which basically means he read a Fast Company article about micro-entrepreneurship, and is recently unemployed. Plus, if he ever actually works, it's always here. Somehow, you feel overdressed?

Purposely careless facial hair: Sorry, he "didn't have time for the whole routine" this morning. Even though he got here at 2 p.m., smelling like "a rustic whiskey still with subtle notes of tarragon". And his hair is "on the way to open casting for Tousled2Perfection", a made-up movie that sounded like a wayyyy better burn in your head.

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