THE BLOG
03/07/2013 04:26 pm ET Updated May 07, 2013

The 4.54 Billionth Annual Spring Awards

Oscar season may be over, folks, but another season, a much more exciting season, a season just as ripe for all our reviews, predictions, and criticism is just around the corner.

I'm talking of course about this year's 4.54 Billionth Annual Spring.

Yes, this year's Spring is shaping up to be quite a spectacle, quite a spectacle indeed. The excitement surrounding the three-month long event is absolutely palpable. As the equinox draws nearer, buzz continues to steadily grow. Although, it's always possible that this growing buzz is actually the sound of bees literally buzzing, this being their mating season.

It was just confirmed yesterday that Mother Nature will be returning as host, thus marking her 4.54 billionth consecutive turn as Master of Ceremonies. Critics have already begun to voice their complaints about such a predictable choice. Several have cited the success of last year's Winter as an example of how choosing a controversial host can work favorably. For those of you who didn't tune in, the less prestigious ceremony was hosted surprisingly well by the Abominable Snowman.

Nevertheless, all of the most intense excitement and debate has been directed toward the awards and their respective nominees. The same question is on everyone's minds: who will win?

So far, it looks like the most heated of these races will be the Cutest Baby Animal category, what with its 3,000 nominees. Last year's winner, Baby Chimp, was a shock to say the least, considering it was up against 43-time winner, Panda Cub. Many analysts are predicting that one of this year's nominees, the Pony, may prove to be another dark horse; it's outrageous non-nomination last year will likely drive a high amount of pity votes from the Academy.

The award for Best Meteorological Entity in a Supporting Role will likely go to the Cumulus Cloud for its unforgettable performance in the critically lauded Really Nice Breeze. However, some analysts believe the award should go to its cousin, Stratus Cloud, for its gritty performance in the less accessible Long Gloomy Thunderstorm. One analyst explained, "Really Nice Breeze was fun, wholesome entertainment, no doubt. But Thunderstorm went deeper. Stratus' performance sank into the audience, found our roots. In one way or another, it made us grow." It is important to note that this analyst happens to be a flower.

Meanwhile, Green is a lock for Most Abundant Color.

The nominees for Best Thing to Roll Around In include four-time winner Flower Bed as well as up-and-comer Mud Puddle. The underdog Mud Puddle's chances have definitely been bolstered by a relentless campaign from the Hippopotamus and Elephant communities, respectively.

The mood of the ceremony itself will certainly be dampened, like always, by the inevitable rain delay. However, the always stunning appearance afterwards by audience favorite, Mr. Rainbow, will surely bring some color back, as well as serve to remind all of us why he has never lost in the Best Optical Phenomenon category.

This year's ceremonies will also include a posthumous tribute to the late Galapagos Turtle. The Academy issued a statement that from here on out, a special "Galapagos Award" will be given to recently extinct organisms that "exemplify, like the Galapagos Turtle, complete awesomeness.

The Academy, by the way, is a group of very highly distinguished California Redwood Trees.

In a recent interview, Mother Nature stated that she has "a few tricks up her sleeve" this year and is intending to make this "the best Spring yet." As long as she doesn't fall prone to one of her violent mood swings, I'm sure it will be.

On a more unfortunate note, the entire ceremony will be sponsored, yet again, by allergies.

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