This post is part of Breakthrough with Tony Robbins. A series featuring the empowering stories of individuals who have triumphed in the face of hardship and crisis.
My grandmother Billye, raised me to understand that "success is not a destination, it's a direction -- and that direction is forward." In 1981, my life was jolting forward via my success as a champion debater and former special education student.
Then it all changed with one sentence: "Your father's been murdered."
Even though I only spent one week every summer with him, I loved and admired him. He was a swashbuckling gadabout that saw the world, wrote for television shows and sent me postcards from exotic places -- far away from rural New Mexico where Billye and I lived on a farm. He was brutally murdered only a week before we would finally spend time together, sharing an apartment in Los Angeles while I attended Loyola Marymount University on a full scholarship.
When I got that news, everything I believed in was shattered -- especially my faith in God and my confidence as a person. I stopped being a winner and instantly became a victim. I slumbered my way through college, discovered drugs and rock and roll, and started to live the user-life of a person pursuing passion instead of purpose. Thirteen or so years drifted by as I blew opportunity after opportunity, disappointing Billye as well as my wife, Jacqueline.
Every day, brushing my teeth and connecting with myself in the mirror, I knew I was blowing it. I had chosen resentment and hate instead of forgiveness and understanding and I was paying the price. So was my wife and son.
I still loved Billye, I just didn't believe her teaching anymore, even though they had rescued me from the short bus and delivered me as a champion debater and senior class president. When dad got killed, everything changed, and I believed that I had been successful as a fluke, and that faith had no value in my life. One day in 1996, while driving home to Clovis NM from the Lubbock airport, I stopped to take a picture of the water tower in Sudan TX where Billye took possession of me for good. It wasn't the best time for her to adopt a little boy, but she loved me and wanted me to have a proper home. That picture changed my life -- it was a visualization of the second chance that we all get in life, whether we are five years old or thirty five.
Sitting in bed one night, it snapped in my psyche: You have a second chance in life, but the trick is to seize it, move on from your pain and point the car forward again. I decided that night that my wife and son deserved a champion, not a bitter man that couldn't let go of a random murder in San Francisco that involved my father. I decided at that moment to reacquaint myself with Billye's teachings -- based on the masters of motivation (Peale, Carnegie, Bristol and Maltz). I started to invest in my mind diet, practice gratitude and take control of my self-image. Through this practice, in less than one year, I was the same guy that rose to the top of the pile as an eighteen year old. Just in time for the opportunity of a lifetime: The internet.
In 1997, I interviewed for a job at Mark Cuban and Todd Wagner's AudioNet (which would later become broadcast.com). I started out as a sales rep, but through a series of personal victories rose to business development manager just as the world wide web took off. I leveraged what Billye taught me: Generosity is a wonder drug and positive thinking is rocket fuel. It helped me make vital connections and propel my career. After Yahoo! bought our company, I was offered a job running the think tank (ValueLab) and moved the family to Nothern California.
Staying in close touch with Billye and her 'masters of motivation,' I soared at the company, fueled by her plan for confident living. I gave my way to the top and in 2001 was awarded the role of Chief Solutions Officer at Yahoo! and a year later published the New York Times best seller Love Is The Killer App. When I look back on it now, I realized that my breakthrough was based on three simple steps:
- Notice the visual icon (the water tower) and let it replace the 'artifact of suffering' (my father's gravestone).
If you are moving sideways in life, you can turn it around too, and point yourself back forward. But you'll have to open your eyes, open your heart and go to the only place of recovery available to you. Home.
Tim Sanders is the award-winning author of 'Today We Are Rich: Harnessing the Power of Total Confidence'. You can learn more at TimSanders.com.